Chapter 15
FIFTEEN
After Maren leaves for her book club, Jayden comes by, putting my new couch cover to good use. He was kind of surprised that I didn’t want to come by his house like I always do, and I was kind of relieved I’d have a break from dodging my favorite cat.
“So, tomorrow night you bust your mom,” he says, giving me a sideways glance. “And then hopefully all this drama will end for good. Have you figured out what you’re going to say to her?” He grabs a handful of salt-and-vinegar chips and shoves them in his mouth.
“Not really. I figured I’d judge the situation when it happens. I told Zach I’d like to talk to her on my own, otherwise it feels too mean.”
“I thought his name was Nicholas.” Jayden sweeps his curls off his forehead and narrows his eyes at me. “And you talked to your mom’s boyfriend about her Via Match connection? Didn’t you want to wait on that?”
I walked right into that one. I clear my throat. “Nicholas is Mom’s boyfriend and Zach is his son. We met at Hibiscus Beach Resort because we’re both trying to break up the relationship.”
“Wait. You were in on it together right from the beginning?” Jayden looks away, but not before I catch the sting behind his eyes. “We’ve talked about your stakeouts or missions or whatever how many times and you never thought to bring this Zach guy up?”
I’d be upset if he left a detail like that out of one of his stories. It seems deliberate. It was deliberate. “I thought I mentioned him. Sorry.”
Jayden swings his legs down and sits straight up. “Are we okay?”
I bristle at the question. His words seem to echo in the stunned silence that follows.
I didn’t know my confusion about us was that transparent.
So much for my new resolve to fix things.
This is getting tense quickly and all the feelings I talked myself out of are coming rushing to the surface again.
“Yes. We’re okay. Of course we’re okay. Why would you even ask that? ”
Jayden shakes his head slowly. “The last two weeks have been pretty weird. I’m sure you’ve noticed it too. You’re kind of distant all of a sudden and you’re acting like our life together isn’t good enough the way it is.”
I get up and put an arm around him, but his body is stiff against me.
“I’m sorry I was giving off that vibe. I feel bad.
Ever since my mom told me what’s happening with her, I guess I’ve been feeling disillusioned, and it made me evaluate some things and try to put stuff into perspective.
But that’s not fair to you. We should go away this weekend. Let’s get out and do something.”
Jayden sighs softly. “Yeah. Maybe not this weekend though. I’m kind of tired. I was hoping we could stay home and relax.”
“We do that every weekend.” I toss a pillow at him, trying to lighten the mood.
It always works with Maren, but he just bats it away and frowns.
“You were all up for a trip to Santa Monica,” I continue.
“You mentioned it a few days ago. Let’s just do it.
Be spontaneous for a change. We don’t want to always be doing the same thing. ”
Jayden sighs and shifts away from me, resting his elbow on the armrest. “This is exactly what I’m talking about.
A few weeks ago, you were so content, and now it seems like you’re trying to shake everything up.
Yeah, I wanted to go to Santa Monica—for a fun weekend getaway, not as some kind of desperate attempt to keep stuff with us interesting. What’s that about?”
“I don’t think I’m doing that but I also don’t think it’s bad to want to do things that are out of the ordinary.
Look . . . this feels too intense for a Wednesday night.
Let’s watch a comedy or something. Do you want to order linguine?
” I almost add, like we always do, but stop myself because I can sense a bitterness in my tone that I didn’t mean and I glance at Jayden to make sure he hasn’t caught it.
Sadly, it seems like he has. He stands and starts walking toward the door.
“I’m kind of tired,” he repeats, staring down at the carpet. “I’m going to head home for an early night.”
There’s a lump in my throat and I try to swallow around it. Jayden and I don’t argue very often and him just getting up and wanting to leave when we were going to spend time together . . . ? It’s totally unlike him.
“I thought we were going to hang out. I was thinking you could stay over.”
“All my stuff’s at my house and I have work tomorrow. And honestly? You’re talking to me in a passive-aggressive way and I think a break would be a good idea. It doesn’t seem like we’re on the same page with what we feel is going on with us right now.”
I spring to my feet and join him in the doorway, grabbing his hand and trying to lead him back to the couch. He doesn’t budge. “What do you mean ‘a break’?” I say. “Like, you want to break up with me?”
Jayden frowns, his shoulders sinking as he backs up to the wall.
“You’re jumping to that?” he says quietly.
“I never said anything about a breakup. I mean we should have a night where we spend time on our own since we’re arguing so much.
” He sighs and runs a hand along his face.
“Not everyone’s going to break up just because your parents did.
It’s fine that we’re not agreeing. Tomorrow’s a new day and I’m sure we’ll get along again. ”
I study his profile as he bends down to put on his shoes.
All of a sudden, this feeling settles in over me.
I picture us, decades in the future, still eating at Nova, still in the same careers, still having vanilla sex, because everything other than missionary is too pornographic—and a panicked feeling hits me.
Can I imagine ordering linguine from Nova once a week every week, watching the same types of movies for years and years?
The thought of it makes my insides twist in knots and an ache form behind my eyes.
“I think I do want a break,” I blurt, and I hear the words before I fully register that I’m the one who said them. “From us.”
Jayden freezes, hurt in his eyes. “You don’t mean that.”
What am I doing? I’m always the person who thinks everything out, painstakingly.
I weigh out options before I give anyone advice, and I hardly ever make big decisions like this without considering all the possible outcomes.
But this feels like something I need to do, and I feel sure of it in a way I haven’t felt before.
“I’m sorry,” I say. “But I do. You’re right that stuff has seemed different lately.
I’m sorry I was trying to deny it. Like I said, what happened with my parents is making me think about stuff and evaluate my life and I realize there are some changes I want to make. ”
Jayden tilts his head and squints at me. “Since you’re being so honest, why didn’t you mention that Zach person before? You never leave details like that out of your stories.”
I take a deep breath. “It’s because I have complicated feelings toward him. Maybe I’m just confused because of my parents. It might be nothing at all . . . but to be fair to you, I think I need time apart to make some choices.”
“Complicated feelings? What do you mean by that? Are you cheating on me?”
“No,” I say and then I get this feeling that I should lay it all out there and get everything off my chest now, so I don’t have this heavy weight on my shoulders. “But I was tempted. I didn’t act on it . . . but I had an urge to.”
Jayden’s dark eyes flash with a mix of hurt and anger. “Why didn’t you tell me that right away?”
“I should have. I’m really sorry.”
Jayden’s still crouched over, one hand still on his shoelace. He rubs his face. “I can’t believe this is happening. We’ve been together forever. We haven’t even been fighting. You’re going to regret this. You’re making a big mistake.”
“I probably am,” I say, but there’s this sensation in my body that emboldens me, and I feel like I’m finally saying something fully true to him. “But right now? It’s how I feel.”
“Lexi. Can I just stay? Maybe we can do what you suggested and watch that movie and order that food and just spend time without fighting, and things will just iron their way out.”
“No,” I say. “I want to be alone tonight. You said you’re tired and I’m tired too. I’m sorry.”
Jayden sighs again and shakes his head slowly like he’s having trouble processing what’s happening. “I didn’t realize this was going to happen. It wasn’t on my radar at all.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeat and wrap my arms around myself, hands trembling, because I am sorry for him. I’m not sorry for me, though, and that’s startling.
“You know it’s not too late for us to go back to exactly how we were, right? It’s not like you cheated. We can get past this. Maybe we could go to counseling?”
Part of me wants to agree to that, especially because he seems so hopeful, but I have this clarity that’s settling over me, telling me that all the little pangs I’ve been feeling lately—about not being satisfied with my job, not liking the routines of my life—all of those have been signs that I’ve been brushing off without really paying attention to them.
How long am I just going to keep settling for a life I don’t truly want?
Maren said what I need to do will come to me if I’m open to it and I think it just did.
“I don’t think it will help,” I answer honestly.
Jayden slowly stands and turns to open the door. He steps out into the hallway and before closing the door behind him, he gives me this sincere look I’ve never seen before, and I almost don’t recognize him. “I love you, Lexi.”
He walks a few paces, and I close the door and watch him through the peephole as he moves down the corridor, stopping every few seconds like he’s considering coming back and knocking on my door, but finally he steps into the elevator.
Tears spring to my eyes and stream down my face—not from sadness, but from shock.
I feel breathless, like the truth has knocked the wind out of me.
It’s the first time I’ve spoken from the deepest part of myself, said exactly what was in my heart, even knowing it would hurt someone else.
I care about Jayden, I really do, but I care about me too.
And right now, that has to matter more.
I lie under my fuzzy pink bedspread for what feels like hours, processing everything that just happened, pinching myself every now and then to remind myself that this is real life.
I just made a major life decision without working up to it.
I didn’t plan out what I was going to say, didn’t practice saying it in front of the mirror in the most diplomatic way I could muster.
I just spoke from my heart and felt proud of myself for doing it.
Now, I just need to keep the same energy alive when I convince Mom to leave Nicholas so we can get number two on Gia’s list back on track.
Thinking about Gia’s list makes me think that I need a list. A new list, for me, the new me. I find the notebook and purple pen and jot a few points down.
Lexi’s Nonnegotiable Checklist
Stay broken up with Jayden because that finally felt like the right choice to make.
Do NOT get into another relationship until you’re really sure that you’re strong in yourself and that it’s what you really want.
Rediscover all your favorites and redecorate, if necessary.
Instead of talking about quitting your job and finding something else, actually do it. Find a way to make that happen.
Live your life without depending on anyone else. (Practice self-pleasure!)
Set new boundaries with Gia after the wedding.
Write. And keep writing.
Looking over my list, I’m pretty excited about it.
I spend the next hour strategizing until my phone rings and my first thought is that it’s Jayden and that I have to stay strong to stick to my #1.
But it’s Maren, probably wanting to vent about the women at her book club who always vote to read the same types of “boring-ass stories.”
“You broke up with him?” she says incredulously after I update her. “I thought you were going to ask him to go on a trip, not shatter his heart into a zillion little pieces. Is this over the astrology thing? Maybe I shouldn’t have told you about that.”
“No, no, I just felt compelled at that moment. It was risky but I think it was the right thing to do.”
“So, are you going to hook up with Mr. Aries now?”
“No, it wasn’t about that. After tomorrow night, I don’t plan on ever seeing him again. What I did tonight was about me speaking my truth.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. But next time you’re with Zach and you feel that pull, realize that it’s stronger than the both of you. It’s compatibility at its finest.”
“And when I feel that pull, I’ll recognize that you think it’s astrology, and I’ll have the power to resist it because I recognize it for what it is,” I respond.
“I’m going to see him tomorrow, yes, but it’s going to be part of a mission .
. . an interaction for a specific purpose.
The end of Mom and Nicholas. They don’t even have a good ship name like my parents do.
My parents are Raeter. It sounds sleek, right?
But Mom and Nicholas? They’d be Racholas.
It sounds like a disease or a medicine.”
Maren sighs loudly. “How long have you been thinking about this, Lexi?”
I pause. “Not long.”
“You’re lying.”
“Maybe like ten minutes.”
“What’s your ship name with Zach?”
I bite my lip to stop a laugh from escaping. “I haven’t thought about that.”
“Liar.” There’s a long pause and then Maren clicks her tongue. “I’m waiiiiiting.” And she will. She will not quit when she’s onto someone.
“Okay . . . okay, you’ve got me. It’s Zexi. But I’m not planning on hooking up with him. I got out of a relationship a whole two hours ago. But I did spend a few seconds wondering about our name combo. You got me.”
“Zexi sounds a whole lot like sexy, wouldn’t you say?”
“Okay, back to my plan, Maren. Focus. I’ll have this whole thing sorted out before the wedding. I still have time.”
There’s another long pause on the line before Maren finally speaks. “Lexi?”
“Yes?”
“I’m an astrology wizard, not a psychic, but I have a feeling that you’re very, very wrong.”