Chapter Sixteen #3
More painful than when her parents kicked her out to fend for herself as a teenager. More painful than when things with Kevin imploded. More painful than the current upheaval in her business and having to start over from scratch.
Oh, shit. What had she done?
She walked back into the house, her thoughts whipping around at a dizzying pace. She didn’t know what to think, what to do. Everything was so complicated. And she was afraid she’d just made it infinitely worse.
“Everything okay, Mom?”
Alex looked up at her daughter, who was sitting cuddly close to Hannah on the couch. Girlfriend close. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” It didn’t even sound convincing to her own ears.
Em got up and came over, Alex’s tablet in her hand. “You don’t look so good.”
“Nick got some bad news.”
“Is that why he had to leave?”
“No. Well, yes. Kind of.”
“What happened?”
“His dad died.”
“Oh.” Em flinched and looked down to where she was rubbing her pink fuzzy-sock-covered toes on the carpet. She looked up suddenly, her eyes wide. “I should have told him I was sorry or something.”
Alex reached over and tucked a lock of hair that had escaped Em’s ponytail behind her ear. “Maybe you can call him later this weekend? Let him know that you’re thinking about him.”
Everything about this whole situation made her ache. Even though she couldn’t hug him, she could hug her daughter. She wrapped Em up in a tight embrace, gave her a squeeze.
Em squeezed back, for just a second, and then disentangled herself with a quick glance over her shoulder. Hannah was watching them, but the other girls were engrossed in the game.
“We ordered the pizza.” Em thrust the tablet into Alex’s hands. “The total was like eighty-eight dollars. I hope that’s okay?”
“Yeah, that’s fine, honey,” Alex said, and tried to smile. It felt forced and phony. “Oh, umm, Nick left this for you.” She handed the envelope to Em.
“Thanks.” Em scrunched up one side of her mouth. “Are you sure I didn’t do something wrong? With Nick, I mean?”
“Oh, baby, no.” Alex pulled Em in for another quick hug. “The stuff with Nick is between him and me. It has absolutely nothing to do with you.”
“Did you guys break up, or something? Is that why you’re not with him right now?”
“Yes. I mean, no.”
Em cocked her head and gave Alex her patented why-is-my-mother-so-dense looks, complete with pursed lips and slow blinks. God, Alex loved her so much. It was clear she wasn’t getting out of here without an explanation, however.
“We weren’t really dating, so we couldn’t actually break up.”
Em continued with her dense-mother look, but didn’t say anything.
The urge to defend herself welled up inside Alex, but she was not explaining her actions to her fourteen—no, fifteen—year old daughter.
She had her reasons for breaking things off with Nick.
Like she’d said, end of story. “Go and finish watching the game and come and get me when the pizza gets here.”
She kissed Em on the forehead and turned back toward the kitchen. After she paid for the pizza, she was probably going to head upstairs and take a nice, long bubble bath. Maybe she’d listen to an audio book to drown out her thoughts.
“This one has your name on it, Mom.”
She turned back around. Em held out an envelope. Alex hadn’t realized there were two of them.
“Thanks,” she said and took it. She wandered back into the kitchen and sat down at the table. The white envelope had her name across the front in Nick’s chicken scratch scrawl.
Part of her wanted to rip the envelope open and see what was inside. The other part of her was terrified to see what it contained. She opened it with trembling fingers.
Inside there was a card.
On the front of the card were two cartoon robots holding hands.
The phrase ‘you compute me’ was written above them.
It was silly and sweet and so bloody cute, her throat clogged.
That he would pick out something like it made her chest ache.
She knew, without a doubt, he’d never picked out something like this for anyone else in his life.
Don’t go there, don’t go there. Right. She couldn’t think about what that meant because she was afraid her heart would shatter into millions of tiny pieces, and she’d never be able to put it back together again.
Besides, if she thought too much about it, she was going to burst into tears. That was the last thing she wanted with a houseful of teenage girls. Once she escaped upstairs, she’d maybe let some of her emotions out. Preferably before they strangled her.
She opened the card and some papers slipped out and onto the table. Nick’s chicken scratch was the only writing in the otherwise blank card.
Alex,
I just wanted to thank you for everything you’ve done for me, both now and back when we were in high school.
You don’t know how much it means that you’ve always been willing to take a chance on me.
And when I’ve screwed things up, you’ve never judged me for it.
I’ll always be grateful for your kind and generous heart, even though most of the time I doubt I deserve it.
While I will always have fond memories of your little car, I hope this makes things easier and safer for you and Em.
Nick
PS (I know at this point you’re probably ready to tear all of this up because you have this idea in your head that you need to do everything yourself.
While I have no doubt you could take on the world and win, please reconsider.
After everything you’ve done for me, that you’ve given me, it’s the very least I can do.
I know we’re in no way even, but it makes me feel better to know I can give you this one small thing)
Tears welled in her eyes, spilled over. She brushed them away with the back of her hand. Tilted her head back, as if gravity would somehow stop them from falling. It took far too many seconds for the implications of the last part of his note to sink in. He couldn’t mean that he…?
She picked up the papers that had slipped out of the card. They were the title of a vehicle, transfer papers from the dealership, and insurance, all in her name.
It was basically a one stop new car purchase, where she didn’t have to leave the house.
She stared at the papers for a minute, her mind blank, except for the one single, solitary thought; he’d bought her a new car.
And then the implications of what that actually meant slammed into her. He bought her a new car.
She raced into the front hallway. There was a corkboard with flyers pinned to it hanging next to the door, and it had a row of hooks lining the bottom for keys.
Her and Em’s keys were hanging there, along with the keys to the clinic. And there, on the end, was a single key and key fob, one she didn’t recognize.
Changing her slippers for slip on shoes, she grabbed the key and headed outside again. When she got to the end of the walkway, she pushed the unlock button on the fob. Halfway down the block, the lights flashed on a dark SUV.
She hurried over to it. Up close, she realized it was dark grey and brand new. As in, this year’s model. She slipped into the driver’s seat. Nick’s spicy scent surrounded her. She swallowed back a sob.
The interior was beautiful, all sleek lines and leather seats. It was honestly the nicest thing anyone had ever given her. And he did it because he knew she needed a new car and he was afraid something was going to happen to her and Em in her old one.
Something splashed on her hand. She looked down.
It was a tear. She was crying, the tears sliding down her cheeks and dripping off her chin.
Nick’s card was still clutched in her hand.
It was still light enough outside that she could read it again.
Which didn’t help, because by the time she got to the end, she was sobbing.
How on earth could he think he didn’t deserve people being nice to him, just for the sake of being nice? Had no one ever just done something for him without expecting something in return? Did he really think he didn’t deserve kindness? Caring? Love?
Oh, God, oh, no. She tilted her head back against the head rest. He’d offered her his heart. When he’d asked if she only considered them friends, he was offering her his heart and she’d stomped on it.
She’d been so afraid of getting her own heart trampled, she’d used the whole clinic thing as a shield. A reason to get angry. She hadn’t seen what was right in front of her, had instead been the one to do the trampling.
The idea made her queasy, her stomach swaying back and forth so much she was afraid she was going to be sick.
Turning the car on—it purred to life so smoothly—she rolled down the window to let in some icy air. A couple of deep breaths settled her stomach. But it did nothing to help the way her body—and her soul—ached.
She loved Nick Sadler. And she’d made a terrible, terrible mistake letting him go.