Chapter 8
Hank
Why did I say yes to this? I stared at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. I’d just gotten back to the bunkhouse from putting together Jack’s basketball hoop, and I was trying to convince myself that going back there tonight was a good idea.
“What are you mumbling about?” Jeff knocked on the door. “You know there’s a line out here?”
“I’m almost finished,” I barked back. I needed to talk to boss man about putting in a second bathroom. This sharing with ten other guys was crazy. I ran the towel over my damp hair before wrapping it around my waist and opening the door.
Steam filtered out into the main room, and all the guys began grumbling. Some were irritated with having to wait, others were teasing me. “Got a hot date?” Johney chortled.
“Shut it!” I warned.
“We’ve all seen you sniffin’ around her?” Bo smirked. “Surprised you thought about going back down that road.” He gave me a knowing look. Bo’s been here almost as long as me. He remembers when Codie left, and what I went through. He was there taking to bottle out of my hand on several nights down at Tumbleweeds, the local bar.
“It’s not what you think,” I muttered as I pushed past everyone and made my way over to my bunk. I sat down and rested my elbows on my thighs. Bo was right on my heels.
“You sure you know what you’re doin’?” He lowered his voice.
“No.” I shook my head as I let it drop between my shoulders. I could feel beads of water running down my back. “I can’t freeze her out. Not after what happened. I can’t let that little boy grow up without a man in his life.” I grabbed at my hair and pulled.
“She left you, remember? She walked away with no note, no nothing and left you here wonderin’ what happened. You need to get your answers before you go runnin’ off that cliff you’re so intent on headin’ for. She owes you that.” He pointed to my forearm.
I glanced down at the ink. It was worn, but still legible. I traced it with my fingertip, the figure eight made out of our names. “You loved her enough to put her name on you. Does she respect you enough to give you answers?” Bo stood and stared me down. “Just sayin’.” He walked away, and I continued to trace the ink. Codie and I had gotten these as soon as she turned eighteen. We’d said that we’d always be together, forever. The infinity sign was supposed to remind us of this. All it reminded me of was a hurt that wouldn’t go away. I’d thought about having it removed over the years, but part of me couldn’t do it. It was the only tangible thing I had of us. If I got rid of it, it would be like we never happened.
It was a bright sunny day and the summer heat was baking us in the field. It didn’t seem to bother me as much today, because today was Codie’s eighteenth birthday. She was old enough that we didn’t have to hide anymore. We were going to go on a real date tonight, and just the idea of being seen out was enough to make me work extra hard.
As I tossed bales onto the trailer, I thought about snuggling up to her in the bed of my truck under the stars after we’d had a nice supper out. “You’re like a machine today.” Jeff laughed.
“He’s got a hot date.” Bo snickered. “Won’t tell us who it is, though.”
“Because it’s none of ya damn business.” I growled at the two of them. I didn’t need anyone telling boss man I was dating his daughter. I wanted to be the one to do that.
That night, Codie was waiting for me where the two drives meet between the bunkhouse and the big house. She was wearing a pretty, pink flowery dress. The fabric was so thin that her silhouette was visible. Her blonde hair was tied with a ribbon, and she’d painted her lips a deep rose color.
I’d just put on my best jeans and a gray t-shirt. The navy ball cap shadowed my face so she couldn’t tell I was starin’ until I got closer. “Happy Birthday.” I hopped out of my truck and reached for her hand. She smiled before jumping into my arms and wrapping herself around me.
“I love you!” tumbled from her lips before she pressed them to my mouth. I stumbled around the front of the truck and over to the passenger side, setting her on the bench seat before breaking the kiss. She nibbled her lower lip. “Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.” She grinned as her gaze traveled down my body.
“S’ok.” One side of my mouth turned up as my shoulders shook with a stifled chuckle. “I was thinkin’ we’d get somethin’ to eat and see where the night takes us.” I braced my hand above her on the roof of the truck.
She nodded as she turned to pull her legs into the truck, her brown cowboy boots bumping my legs in the process.
I remember that night like it was yesterday. We’d had dinner, and while we made out in the back of my truck, Codie got the bright idea that we should get matching tattoos. I was so lovestruck and infatuated with her that I’d have done pretty much anything she asked back then. I probably still would, but I’d think it through more now.
I ran the pad of my thumb over the black ink. I wondered if she’d kept hers too, and how she’d explained it to her husband. I shook the thought from my head, and quickly pulled on some clean clothes. I needed to get back over there for movie night before Jack started to worry that I wasn’t coming.
“Have fun,” Johney called to my back as I shoved open the door. I lifted my arm over my head and flipped him the bird before turning on the path that led to the guesthouse.
*****
I could hear laughter coming from inside as I approached. I stood there by the door, trying to decide if I wanted to back out of this. I could pretend I forgot and go right back to the bunkhouse for poker night. I lifted my hand to knock just as the door flew open.
“You’re late.” Jack scrunched his nose as he looked up at me, not wearing jammies. His eyes slowly scanned my legs.
“I didn’t know I was supposed to wear jammies—” I shrugged “—and I needed a shower. I was all sweaty from fixing the hoop.” I pointed behind me.
“That’s ok.” He stepped back and held the door open.
When I came inside, the TV was paused and the screen for Disney+ was showing. I could hear Codie in the kitchen, and Jack bounced over to the couch. “No girlie movie, I promise.” He laughed.
“What’d ya pick, then?” I sat down beside him.
“Inside Out.” He clapped happily.
“He’s seen this like a hundred times.” Codie laughed lightly as she rounded the couch, carrying a giant bowl of popcorn. “I’ll be right back.” She handed the bowl to Jack.
“I’ll sit in the middle so we can all reach.” He kicked his feet as he slid back against the cushions. “Can I have a Coke?” he shouted.
“Already got that.” Codie rounded the corner carrying three sodas. A Coke for Jack and a diet for herself and me. “I have beer if you want that instead. I usually just have soda for movie night.”
“Diet Coke is fine.” I took the soda from her and cracked it open before settling back against the couch. “So this is a weekly thing.” I glanced over at Jack. He was happily munching on popcorn and slurping soda.
“Mmm hmm.” He nodded. “Shh! It’s starting.” He pointed at the TV.
I whispered, “Sorry,” and grabbed a handful of popcorn. Just like Codie had predicted, Jake fell asleep halfway through the movie. He was slumped between us, and his head rested on her shoulder. We watched the remainder of the movie, each of us glancing at Jack every few minutes. When the credits rolled, Codie extracted the popcorn bowl from his hands, and I lifted him in my arms and carried him to his bed. I knew he was probably too old for that, but it wasn’t that big of a deal to me. The hay bales I throw each day made Jack feel weightless.
“Thanks for that.” Codie was putting things away in the kitchen. She’d already folded the blankets we’d had out and straightened up the family room.
“It’s no problem. Next time, I’ll wear jammies.” I pointed to her Snoopy PJ pants.
“Next time?” She eyed me as if I’d overstepped.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean that.” I released a frustrated breath. I stood there watching her move about the kitchen as if we hadn’t just sat three feet from each other for several hours and both felt the tension in the air. “Can we talk for a minute?” I crossed my arms over my chest and leaned against the counter. She didn’t look up or stop moving. “Please?” I reached out and wrapped my fingers around her wrist. She froze, looked away from me, and then gave in and nodded.
“Let’s go out back.” I motioned to the small back porch. She laid down the dish rag she was wiping the counter with and I let her go in front of me. She paused at the back door to listen; I’m guessing to make sure Jack was still asleep and then opened it to step outside.
I paced over the bricks, trying to form complete thoughts in my head. There was so much I wanted to know, but the last time we talked I sent her running. “What is it you want to talk about?” She sat down on the rocking chair in the corner.
“Us.” I swallowed. That was the simplest way to put it.
“There is no ‘us’.” She stood back up and crossed her arms.
“We might not be together, but there is always gonna be an us, Codie.” My voice dropped; this was so much harder than I thought it would be. “Why did you leave?” I leaned against the house and stared at her. Her blonde hair was hanging down her back in loose waves, her skin was tanned, and she looked the same as the day she left, only now she had a few more lines on her face. Her figure had filled out, so she was now more woman and less girl. “I think you owe me that much. Answer me this: was it your choice?”
“That’s not fair!” She scowled. “You knew how hard it was for me.” She turned away and faced the trees.
“I did know what staying meant, but I also thought that you loved me. I thought this meant something.” I marched over, standing right behind her and stuck my forearm out, revealing the tattoo. The moonlight caused my skin to glow, and I heard her gasp. “That’s right. I still have it. I ask myself why all the time, but I can’t erase you.” I was trying with all my might to hold onto my temper. I needed her to talk to me, not run again.
“If I stayed, I wouldn’t have had the chance to run this place. Daddy told me it was the farm, or you. He wanted to me to go to college and make something of myself. He wanted me to live outside the fence here and see the world.” A single tear made its way down her cheek, and she swiped it away. “I wasn’t trying to hurt you,” she murmured.
“You thought leaving with no explanation, no phone call or letters, no contact whatsoever would be better? Do you have any idea what I went through? I almost ruined my life for you. I loved you. I wanted to marry you. I was ready to walk away from this place and try to go at it on my own, for you!” I grabbed her shoulders and turned her to face me.
“I’m sorry.” She sniffed.
“Sorry? You were an adult. Instead of standing up for what you wanted, you let them all tell you what to do.” I flung my arms up in the air. “I spent weeks drinking myself into oblivion, asking myself what I did to make you leave. Then I find out that you married a guy you only knew for six months.”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” She peered up at me. Pain reflected in her eyes as she watched me. I was angry, hurt, but most of all disappointed that she didn’t stand up to them.
“It’s doesn’t matter now. It’s too late.” My shoulders dropped as the tension began to leave my body. I’d waited so long for her to admit to this, and now I felt like I didn’t have it in me to argue my point.
“Too late for what?” She rubbed her arms to ward off the chill in the air.
“Too late for us. I see the way you look at me. I see the way you hold yourself back. You won’t give yourself permission to feel what you used to. I don’t know if it’s fear, or loyalty, or your dad again. I just know that all of it is still there, but you stifle it.” I moved so close to her we were almost touching. Her breath hitched and she fisted her hands at her sides.
“Do you?” She looked up at me, blinking her tear-filled eyes.
“Do I what?” The moonlight caused a shadow to fall over us as the trees blew in the night breeze.
“Still feel it?” she whispered.
“Yes,” I growled as I stepped closer, cupped her jaw with both hands, and pressed my lips to hers. She melted into my chest, and I wrapped her in my arms, taking back all the kisses I’d missed over the years. I needed her to let go and feel again.