Chapter 9
Dakota
The spark that I’d been dousing with cold water roared to life. It started like a small ember, warming me slowly on the inside. It flickered into a flame that craved the fuel our kiss was giving it. Heat crawled over every inch of skin in remembrance of what I used to feel for him. He tilted his head as he licked at the seam of my lips. My arms moved to wrap around his neck, fisting the hair at the nape of his neck. He grunted when I tugged at it, and then in the blink of an eye he stepped back, breaking all contact.
“Fuck!” he hissed and then growled as he ran his hands through his hair. He leaned against the railing of the porch, and then pounded it with his fists.
Tears rushed to the surface, and then anger. “What was that?” I gasped.
“A mistake. I shouldn’t have come here tonight.” He voice was barely a whisper. “Every part of me was saying to stay away.”
“Then why didn’t you?! I don’t know what you want from me, and I can’t do this.” I started to pace. I’d been fighting the way I felt for days. I’d been trying to be the bigger person and pretend that it wasn’t painful to see him every day, and now this.
“I want to not want you.” He turned, his eyes shimmering. He sniffed as if he were trying to not let his feelings show. “You wrecked me, and now it’s like I’m ready to let you do it again. What happens the next time he tells you no? You gonna stand up to him?” His voice was getting louder, and I pointed to the house, reminding him that my son was sleeping inside.
“It’s not about what I want anymore. It’s about him. I came back for him.” I released a deep sigh as I sat in a chair. “I’m not a kid anymore. My father isn’t going to dictate who I’m with.” I leaned forward, holding my head in my hands. It was spinning at this point, and I wasn’t sure what I wanted. I knew I still had feelings for Hank though, and I knew I needed to figure out what I was going to do with that.
“Would you have come back if you didn’t have Jack?” Hank stopped pacing right in front of me. “If you were single and didn’t have him, would you have come back to take over the farm?”
I slowly lifted my head, letting my eyes meet his. “I don’t know.” I was trying to be honest, but seeing his reaction told me he didn’t expect that answer. “I’ve been gone so long, I don’t know if I’d come back not knowing what’s here. Just trying to be upfront.” I shrugged. “I’ve been hurting too, ya know.” I sprung to my feet. “Leaving here was hard for me. Marrying someone else was hard. I’d been planning our wedding since I was seventeen. Having all that taken away was hard, but I moved on because I had to.”
The swirl of emotions that crossed Hank’s face said that I was losing this battle, and he didn’t believe anything I was saying. “Do you know what it’s like to love two people? I loved Alex, but I was in love with you. You weren’t around, so it was easy for me to push you out of my head. If I’d stayed, no one would have been able to fit in my heart because you filled it.” I moved closer and rolled up my sleeve. “I still have mine, too.”
He glanced down, held my wrist with one hand, and traced the infinity sign with the index finger of his other hand. “I always wondered about this,” he murmured.
“I couldn’t get rid of it either. It’s a part of my past.” I pulled my wrist from his grasp.
“So what are we doing here, because I can’t continue to pretend that I don’t feel somethin’ when I see you.” He crossed his arms over his chest.
My head was at war with my heart. Could I go back there and let him consume me because that’s what would happen. I was so head over heels in love with him that most days I didn’t know which way was up. “I don’t know.”
“That’s not good enough, Codie. You’re an adult. I’m an adult. We have feelings for each other. Why not try?”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet,” I muttered as I looked away. It was a cop out, but I didn’t know what else to say.
“Bullshit!” he growled. “You just let me put my tongue in your mouth. Whether you wanna believe it or not, you’re ready.” He stepped in front of me, cupping my face in his hands once more. “Go on a date with me, a real date where I come and pick you up, not one where we meet at the end of the drive to avoid getting caught.” He bent his knees, so we’d be eye level.
“What about Jack?” I was running out of reasons to say no.
“Ask your mom or one of your sisters to babysit. I’m not gonna hide us this time around. I’m gonna tell everyone that you’re my girl.” His eyes darted across my face. “Say yes.”
“Ok, yes, but not tomorrow. I need to talk to Jack about this. I’ve haven’t been out with anyone since Alex passed. He’s not going to understand.”
“Saturday, then. We’ll get dinner and talk.” He stood up and pressed a kiss to the top of my head. “There’s so much I want to talk about,” he murmured against my hair. “So much I wanna know.”
*****
Dakota
“Mom? Can I just sleep in the big house tonight? Grandma said it was ok.” Jack flopped down on my bed. Hank was taking me out tonight, and my mom was watching Jack.
“If you really want to.” I smiled as I pulled out a dress and appraised it.
“Not that one—” Jack wrinkled his nose “—the pink one.” He grinned. “You look really pretty in pink.” He nodded matter-of-factly.
“You think so?” I reached for the pink dress with the little blue flowers on it.
“Daddy always said pink was your color.” Jack’s smile dropped and a lost look replaced it. “I mean, I like the pink,” he stammered.
“Jack.” I sighed as I tossed the dress to the side and sat down beside him. “Is this weird for you? If you didn’t mean what you said the other day, it’s ok. I can stay home.” I rubbed the top of his head.
“No, I want you to go. It’s just… we never talk about Dad, and I don’t wanna make you sad, but I feel like we’re forgetting him.” His lip quivered and he wiped at his eyes.
“We can talk about Dad whenever you want. This isn’t going to change who your dad is.” I opened my arms, and he crawled into my lap. Jack hadn’t wanted to cuddle much as he’d gotten older, but there were days that I could tell he just needed it. “Dad and I loved each other very much, and I am sad that he isn’t here anymore, but Dad would want us to be happy. He’s the one who made me promise to move back here.” I hugged him tight. “You can always talk to me about anything.”
“I know. Do you think we could all go out together sometime?” He grinned up at me.
“How about we go do something fun next weekend? You think of something you’d want to do, and we’ll ask Hank if he wants to join us.”
“Ok.” He climbed down and rushed out of the room.
“Where are you going?” I called after him.
“To pack my stuff for Grandma’s,” he shouted back.
“Don’t forget your toothbrush!” I heard a loud sigh and I couldn’t help but laugh. I turned back to the pink dress and stared at it for a moment. Alex always did like it when I wore pink, but tonight wasn’t about him, it was about me. After overthinking it, I decided to go with a light green one. It had pink flowers, so it was a compromise.
I left my hair down and went light on my makeup. It was still pretty hot out, and I didn’t want to risk sweating it all off. I had a full-length mirror in my room, and I was admiring my reflection when I heard Jack shout a ‘bye’ and the door slammed. My mom must have come over to pick him up. I peered out the window to see them walking back toward the big house. She was carrying his overnight bag and he was chattering away. I went over to the closet and dug deep into the back. I pulled out a tattered box and lifted the lid. Inside was a worn pair of brown boots. I haven’t worn these since I left, but part of me was feeling some nostalgia tonight. I lifted them from the box and slipped them on. They still fit comfortably, and I smiled as I strutted across the room. When there was another knock at the door, my chest seized with nerves. “Just a minute!” I yelled as I shoved the box back in the closet. I grabbed my purse and ran to the door.
Before opening it, I ran my fingers through my hair one last time and smacked my lips together. As my fingers wrapped around the knob, there was another knock. “You gonna open the door?” Hank’s deep voice laughed from the other side.
I slowly opened it a crack and peered around the door. “I’m not sure I should,” I teased. My eyes blinked against the bright sun. I couldn’t really make out what he looked like, it was just a shadow of him and the sun.
“If you don’t open the door, we can’t go out, and if you can’t go out, then I can’t bring you home and kiss you goodnight. So, open the door.” He chuckled.
“Since you put it that way…” I opened the door, revealing myself.
“Damn!” he hissed under his breath. “You’re like fine wine. Just get better with age.”
“Is that supposed to be a pickup line?” I laughed as I shook my head. “Because you need help if it was.” He moved closer and his tall frame blocked the bright sun so I could really see him. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a light blue button-down. His dark hair was tucked neatly under his cowboy hat, and like me, he had on his boots. He smelled woodsy, and I just wanted to bury my face in his neck and stay there all night.
He removed his hat and bowed slightly. “I’m sorry, miss, but you look absolutely breathtaking tonight.” He placed his hat back on his head, tipped it to the side, and gave me a lopsided smile. “Was that better?”
“You’re getting there.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes as I grabbed my purse and stepped outside. After locking up, he offered me his arm and walked me to his truck. My feet faltered as we approached the tan Ford. It was the same truck he had all those years ago. “You still drive this,” I whispered.
“It still runs great.” He opened the passenger door for me. I climbed in, and he went around to the driver’s side. The déjà vu washed over me as we pulled out onto the main road and turned to head into town.
*****
It took about a half hour before we made it to the city limits of Myers. “There’s a new place right at the end of Main Street I thought we’d try. They just opened about a month ago.” He pulled over and parked on the street. Patrons were out walking along the sidewalks going in and out of the local shops. Green and white-striped awnings adorned each storefront, and a few shop owners had displays on the sidewalks.
“This place hasn’t changed my entire life,” I mused as we got out of the truck.
“I kinda like that about it.” Hank came around and took my hand in his, entwining our fingers. “Sometimes sameness offers comfort. It’s nice knowing that it will always be here.” He lifted my hand and kissed the back of it. “Remember when we went in there?” He pointed across the way to the jewelry shop. We’d looked at diamonds in there with the dream of one day getting one. “We realized real quick that we couldn’t afford much in there.”
“Yeah.” I laughed lightly as I toyed with the ring on my left hand. I still hadn’t taken it off, and I wondered if Hank had noticed. Guilt started to creep up, but I pushed it away. Baby steps. If Hank really meant what he said, he’d be patient.
“Here we are.” He turned to enter The Painted Pig. “This is supposed to be the best BBQ in the state.” He pointed to a banner that hung in the entry, boasting about award-winning BBQ. “They used to be a food truck and decided to open up a restaurant. Your daddy has been talking about this place since he came here.”
There was sign up that stated for patrons to seat themselves and a server would be with them. It was rustic inside: large wooden booths and tables scattered about, dim lighting with mounts of different animals on the walls. The décor made the place look like an oversized cabin. The servers were dressed in jeans with red checked shirts, and I couldn’t help but laugh when one came out of the kitchen and looked just like Paul Bunyan. Menus were already on the tables, so Hank handed me one, and I began scanning it. “This BBQ for two looks promising.” I pointed to the sharable section at the bottom.
“We can get whatever you want. Jeff has been making lunch this week to give your mom a break, and he can’t cook.” Hank curled his lip. “Dirt tastes better than his cooking.”
“Let’s get this then, and we can each pick a few sides.” I flipped over the menu and looked at the list of choices. Everything sounded good, and my stomach growled, announcing how hungry I was. “I didn’t eat lunch today.” I grimaced when Hank turned questioning eyes in my direction.
“We need to get you fed then.” He motioned to flag down a server. A young girl came over and we ordered the BBQ for two meal with cornbread, okra, and pinto beans. After she left, we sipped our sweet tea and fumbled for conversation. After the way we’d left things, I wasn’t sure what to say and Hank seemed to feel the same way.
“You said you wanted to talk…” I clasped my hands in front of me on the table. “You can go first.”
“I guess my first question is, do I have a chance here, or am I wasting my time?”