Chapter 12
It was a few minutes later when John-Michael went to check on Ethan.
"He's out like a light," he said when he got back.
I was still standing in the kitchen, and he came over to me. "Do we need to be quiet?" I asked.
He shook his head. "No, he can't hear anything from in there. I'll put on music or the TV while I'm cleaning up, and he sleeps through it all."
"What's on your cleaning playlist?"
"I listen to different stuff every time."
"Do you dance when you're by yourself?" I asked, picturing it happening like a scene from a movie.
"No," he said, laughing at the thought. "No dancing."
"No dancing?"
"No. I do like music, but no."
"Aw, man. Dancing is amazing."
"I don't listen to dance music."
"All music is dance music. What do you listen to? Like, if I opened your music app and pressed play, what would come out of your phone?"
"My Spotify? A soul mix, I think. I have a few different mixes. Indie, rock, soul, folk. Mostly rock, I guess, but soul's what's playing now. I was listening to it earlier today. "
"Soul? That's extremely danceable."
"Not like you dance."
"What's that supposed to mean? How do you think I dance?"
"I've seen your work," he said. "Your photos. It's sweaty-on-the-dancefloor stuff. Lights flashing and whatnot."
"Yeah, but that doesn't change the fact that you can dance to soul. You can easily dance to soul."
"Well, I've never tried. I just listen with my ears."
I squinted at him. "Not even your shoulders?"
"Not really."
My squint grew more exaggerated, and he let out a little laugh.
"Let's dance." I said with an easy smile.
"What? No."
"Are you not feeling up to it? Are you still sick?"
"No, no, it's not about that."
"Are you intimidated because of my job?"
"Yes. I've seen your social media. I've seen you dance."
I put up my hands in a gesture of surrender. "I am a big advocate for dancing of any kind. There are two scenarios here. You could put on some music, and we can share a three-minute dance together, me leading, you won't have to do a thing. Or, the second scenario is that we don't dance at all. I actually should probably let you get back to your evening since you have catching up to do this week. "
"You're saying it's either dance, or you leave?"
"I guess I was saying that, but now that you mention it, I don't have to leave if you don't want to dance. Those scenarios are invalid, I guess."
"Well, you went to all the trouble to make them up. You even called them scenarios."
I laughed. "What are you saying right now? Are you saying you want to dance?"
"I don't want to, but you did go to all the trouble of trying to talk me into it."
"That's because it's good for you. Dancing makes you feel good. I'm trying to give you life advice."
"Well if it's life advice, I guess it's only right for me to explore it."
I smiled. "Are you asking me to dance? Is that what's going on here?"
"I think I will try it for a few seconds or one minute."
"With me?" I asked, putting a hand to my chest.
"Not by myself," he said, making me smile.
"Go press play on whatever you have on your phone, and I'll dance for a few seconds or one minute with you. I promise you'll have fun."
John-Michael walked into the living room and turned on a stereo unit. I heard speakers come to life with a hiss. He stared down at his phone.
"I'm not playing this. It's something Ethan was playing, something from a cartoon. I'll put on the soul playlist that was on earlier. It's one the app put together, so I'm not sure what's on it. "
He pushed a button and a soft, catchy tune started.
Darling you send me… was the first line and I smiled and began softly bobbing my head instantly.
He set down his phone.
"Who is this?" I asked.
"Sam Cooke. I looked at the title just now."
"This is good."
I stood in the middle of the living room and offered him my hand, and he smiled and walked over toward me. It was too slow to really boogey, and too fast to slow dance. It was a perfect song for us to stand in a loose waltz pose and gently sway together.
I led him, but he didn't need it. I could feel that he had good rhythm because he was right with me as I moved. For the first few seconds, I was concentrating on dancing, keeping the beat, and making sure I found the pocket with my movements.
It took me a moment to settle down and realize that I was touching him in about five different places. One arm was wrapped around him and the other was in his hand. I stood close enough that my body brushed his in other places, too.
Goodness, gracious, John-Michael Kennedy was the best dance partner I ever had. I touched him lightly, but my senses were hyper-aware, and I felt tingling goodness all over my body. I was a seasoned dancer and my body found the beat even when my mind and heart became focused on the man in front of me.
We moved for a while, falling into a gentle rhythmic motion as the song played. It was the most fun I ever had dancing, and that was saying a lot. My body and mind were at peace and fulfilled in that moment as I swayed in his arms.
"It's playing again," I said once the song was playing for the second time. Maybe it was the third. It was on repeat. I was relieved because I didn't want the next song to ruin the moment.
"Ethan had that other song on repeat."
We swayed for another moment, holding onto each other lightly as we moved.
"You're a pro at this," I said, thinking he would want to wrap it up.
"I'm not a pro, but I'm not hating it."
"You're not?" I asked looking at him.
"No."
"Because you're a good dancer. I can feel that."
We swayed to the beat of the song and his midnight eyes stared straight into mine. I was on fire where he touched me. I could hardly remember to breathe. I could see that he was attracted to me, and it was one of the better moments of my life.
But it was only a moment.
The state of bliss was short-lived because a wave of guilt and regret came crashing over me. It felt like the wave left destruction—like it made a gap between John-Michael and myself .
"Is everything okay?" he asked, seeing my face shift.
"I-it's just that I'm…" I stopped dancing, looking at him. "I wish I could feel like I deserve this moment right now. I'm not trying to be dramatic or drag you into anything, but I'm just… I went out this weekend. Nothing happened. I made it home safely and everything. But my brothers were mad, and my parents were too, and I…"
I broke contact with him, stepping back and standing still in front of him. "I'm not as good of a person as you thought I was. I know I mentioned not partying anymore… but I didn't even make it three weeks without… I do want you to know that I would have never done that if I knew I was coming to hang out with you and E. I hadn't heard from you, and I didn't know I'd be coming over here or anything. I went out with my friends. I didn't want it to be under false pretenses. I didn't want to make you think I'm something that I'm not. I'm not as good of a person as I want to be. The thing is… I would love… I'm sorry. I just wanted to try to be open and honest with you."
He hesitated, looking at me thoughtfully.
"Were you with someone?"
"What? No. When?"
"This weekend. Were you with someone?"
"No. "
He took a deep breath. "Well, I feel like at this point, your choices are your own, and we can just feel it out."
"I just feel sorry about it. I just wanted to be honest since I didn't know how you were feeling."
"I enjoyed that dance. That's how I feel right now."
My heart began to beat faster when he said that. I felt like he was willing to forgive me. "You enjoyed it? Do you want to dance more? To a different song, maybe? This is the third or fourth time this one played."
"I could get this one off repeat and try one more," he said.
"I would love that," I said, smiling and feeling relieved that he still wanted to be near me.
He grabbed his phone and pushed a button. "I’m just taking it off of repeat and playing the next song. Midnight Train to Georgia," he added, looking at the title before he put his phone down.
I smiled, hearing the music. "I know this song," I said. "I recognized it right when it came on."
"Is this an okay song to dance to?" he asked, coming over to me.
I nodded and took hold of him, moving to the beat. "Any song is good to dance to," I said, sliding in next to him and twirling around a little. I was good at finding the beat, and I easily moved in a fluid motion that switched direction in time with the music. My body melded to him in the way that I would meld to any dance partner. Okay, maybe this was a little more than that. Our contact was light, though, and it was a friendly dance.
I didn't know what he was feeling, but as for me, I did my best to concentrate on dancing and not the burning electric sensation that happened in the places where my body touched his.
The song ended and another one started. It wasn't one I recognized, and I didn't really care. It was a slower one, and I stepped closer to him, leaning into him lightly and resting my head on the front of his chest, near his shoulder.
We slow danced. We didn’t say a word, we just held each other and swayed for an entire song. I had never been so attracted to a man or so affected by a dance in my life. That dance gave me time to feel and appreciate the electric sensation. His movements were perfect, his skin was perfect, and the tension was so thick that you could cut it with a knife—at least it was on my end. The song finished and a faster one came on, drawing me from the dazed state.
I pulled away and smiled at him. "That was fun," I said. "See?"
"Yeah, I do see," he said with a grin.