Chapter 13
A month later
"Why didn't you go to Atlanta? You should have been there. Exciting things happened." It was the first thing my friend, Jonathan, said to me when we met up that day. He was sitting at a table in a coffee shop, waiting for me, and he stood to hug me when I walked up. His hair was green today—it changed all the time.
"I worked with my brothers on Friday, and then I babysat on Saturday," I said, answering his question.
"You babysat?" he asked, looking at me like he was stunned. "Again? That's like the fifth time you've done that lately. Who is this baby? Did Phillip have a kid?"
"No."
"Salem?"
"No, he's not my nephew. He's just a friend's kid."
"Well, you missed it Saturday night. Freaking Deadpan was there. He played for two hours."
"Oh, whoa, I didn't know he was going."
"No one did. It was a surprise appearance. Isn't that amazing?"
"Yeah, it is," I said, thinking about it .
"You don't look like you're freaking out about it."
"Why would I freak out? Hang on they called my name for my coffee."
I left Jonathan and walked over to the counter to pick up my coffee.
Jonathan was staring at me when I returned with the paper cup in my hand.
"You should be freaking out about Deadpan because he was asking about you!" His eyes were bulging out of his head, and he stared at me like he had been waiting all day to tell me that one thing.
"He asked Neon and Tanner where you were, and they came and asked me. Deadpan asked about you, Shy! That's insane. He said he was hoping you were there, that he wanted you to take his picture!"
"I'm sure I'll run into him again. I'll take his picture sometime."
"How are you being so rude about Deadpan?"
"Rude?" I asked, smiling.
"Yes. I thought you would be screaming right now. From happiness. I thought you would hug me and tell me I'm the best for delivering you this news. It's Deadpan, Shy. Nick Butler? The DJ?"
"That's really cool," I said, smiling. "I’m not not freaking out. I'm happy. I think it's cool that he asked about me."
I got settled into my seat.
"What'd you get?"
"Lavender," I said .
"You're so weird."
"It's delicious."
"It's like soap. Don't put it near my coffee. So why did you stay back this weekend? And why are your brothers being so hard on you? I'm the one who had the accident."
"It's my car. They saved me thousands of dollars. And they helped you, too. Your sentence would have been a lot worse."
"I know, and I'm thankful, but geez, how long are they going to make you work? That's not cool."
"This Friday is my last day doing construction, and even then, I don't mind. It's the least I can do."
"I know they helped you out. But they're taking it a little too far, especially with the babysitting."
"No, it's for someone else."
He stared at me, looking completely dumbfounded.
"What?" I said.
"What the heck are you doing babysitting when you need to be in Atlanta? Deadpan, Shy! I really hope you're going to the party this weekend."
"I wasn't planning on it."
"Girl, what is your problem?" he asked, staring at me with wide eyes and an over-exaggerated expression. "Seriously, are you depressed or something?"
"No."
"What is it? Why aren't you going out?"
"I’m a little into the guy with the kid. "
"Y-you, oh, the dad? You have a crush on the kid's dad? You bad girl. Are you trying to be a mistress?" He looked at me with a dangerous smile, teasing me, as if he was okay with the idea as long as I didn't get caught.
"No, she's dead."
"Oh, whoa, the kid's mom?"
"Ethan, yes."
"Ethan is the kid?"
"Yes."
"And you have a thing for his dad?"
"Yes. We're getting to know each other. We're taking it really slow."
"What's that mean? Does he have another girlfriend or something?"
"No. Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because you said you were taking it slow like it wasn't your idea. Why would he want to take it so slow with you? Is he Amish?"
"No."
"No kissing?"
"No."
A shocked expression covered his face.
"He's got a kid," I said. "He has to be careful."
"So, it is him who wants to take it slow and not you?"
"I guess so."
"You shouldn't put up with that. You've got Deadpan asking about you at parties, Shy. "
"We're both fine with taking it slow. We've had moments. We've been getting to know each other for the last month, and we've definitely had tense moments. Uh—" I started to say something but then I stopped myself, getting out only a grunt.
"What?" he asked, knowing I was about to say something.
"Nothing. I was going to say that I kissed him in my sleep a month ago, but I think it was probably a dream."
"You might've kissed him? Were you trippin'?"
"No, I was sleeping. I was dreaming that I kissed him, and I think I might have done it in real life. It felt real."
"If it was real it would have happened again since then."
"No, because the next time I saw him, I had to go and mess it up. It was the weekend we went to the party in that warehouse. I slept in my car that morning, and my family freaked out. I saw John-Michael the next day, and I was feeling all guilty so I confessed, and now we're not kissing."
"You confessed to what? We didn't do anything that weekend. What would you be confessing to?"
"To going out."
"To going out? Is he a control freak or something?"
"No, but his last wife died in a car accident."
"How old is this guy?" he asked.
"He's only like four years older than me. "
"How long has he been stringing you along? For the last month? Is that why you fell off the face of the earth?"
"I didn't, but yes. We hang out a few times a week, and I've still got school and everything."
"And how long are you going to take part in this one-sided relationship?"
"It's not one-sided. He's great."
"He won't kiss you."
"It's not that he won't. Yeah, I guess he won't. I don't know. We're taking it slow, and honestly, Ethan's always around."
"Mark my words girl, you have no idea right now, but this is a blessing in disguise. I think you should hang up this whole idea. You might think you want this guy right now, but I'm telling you, you don't know what you're in for if he's got a kid. That is a life-changer. A kid? That would make you a mom. Uh-uh. That's something you do not want to sign up for."
"What if I do?"
He stared at me "A child, Shy? A human child? You can't tell me you're serious. You're Shy. You don't even give guys the time of day. That's what you have me for, remember? I'm your buffer on the dancefloor, and I feel like I need to be it now, honestly, girl."
"No, you don't. He's a good guy."
"Uhh, he annoys me already," Jonathan said, rolling his eyes and taking a sip of his coffee .
I smiled at him and pretended to be easygoing about it, but I wanted to stick up for John-Michael.
"Where do you even know this guy from?"
"My brothers did some work for his parents. And he teaches at my school."
"He teaches at State?"
"Yes."
He rolled his eyes and let out a huff. "You-do-you, queen, but I don't like it. I don't like anything about it. You can't hook up with a teacher who has a kid. There's like nothing more opposite of an ideal situation for you than that. It's so unbelievably opposite of what you need that I almost feel like you're joking right now."
"I'm not," I said, smiling at how dramatic and disbelieving he was.
I could appreciate that Jonathan would want to be protective of me, and I could also understand how, on paper, it would seem like John-Michael wasn't right for me. But that wasn't true, and I didn't need protecting. At least I didn't think I did. That conversation made me set it in my heart to talk to John-Michael and try to get a read on what he was feeling.
***
That happened a couple of hours later.
I spent an hour with Jonathan, and then I drove straight to campus. I sat on a park bench, thinking and trying to decide my next move.
I sent a text to John-Michael .
Me:
Are you still on campus?
I heard back from him within a minute.
John-Michael:
Yes. About to teach. Done in 1hr. You okay?
Me:
Yes, all good. I'm on campus. I'll walk over and see you when your class gets out. No rush.
He liked my message, and I put my phone in my bag. I hung out there for fifteen minutes or so before walking toward the building where he was teaching. I spent some time exploring the adjacent block because it was a nice, cool day.
His door was open, and I could hear him teaching when I made my way into his building. I waited for him down the hall. I was only there for five minutes or so when I saw a flood of people exiting the room.
I went back toward his classroom to check. He was still talking when I got there, but I could tell that he was in a different position, one closer to the door. He was in the middle of a conversation, and I backed away again, waiting in the hallway.
A minute later, two people, a guy and a girl, walked out of the classroom. I gave it a few seconds before I moved inside. I wanted to make sure he was finished with his class. He was alone in the room and he was walking away, heading away from the door.
"Hello?" I said seeing the backside of him as he crossed the room, heading away from the door. He glanced over his shoulder, already smiling.
"Heyy, Sadie." He smiled, and I went into the room, approaching him. I wanted to hug him, we had been known to hug as a greeting, but I wasn't sure if I should do it there. I stood back, maintaining distance, smiling at him.
"I was just about to text you and tell you I was finished. What are you doing? You don't have class this afternoon, do you?"
"No, I, I was having coffee with Jonathan. I wasn't that far from campus, so I came over here."
"Jonathan?"
"Yeah, I was, it's no big deal, really, but I was talking to him, and some of the things we were saying made me want to ask you a few things, so I came by here."
He tilted his head at me, looking cautious and curious. "Ask away."
"No, I, I, I'm sorry. I don't know. I came here thinking it would be easy to talk to you about stuff, but it's hard. Maybe I want to change my mind and just say hi. Hello, JJ. How are you?"
"Please tell me what you came here to say," he said. "That's no good to leave me hanging like that. You know that would drive me crazy. Just say it." He leveled me with a sincere expression, and I blinked, feeling nervous.
"Jonathan had asked me why I didn't go to Atlanta this last weekend, and I was thinking about that. We got to talking, and the whole conversation brought me back to that night when you and I danced to that song at your house."
"Sam Cooke."
"Yes. I think that moment where I spilled my guts about going out, I think that sort of stopped something that… anyway, I was just thinking about that earlier. Not just then, but we've had a few other moments in the last month when I thought something might happen, but it never happens."
I had a feeling that I wanted to keep talking and keep babbling, but I stopped myself, leaving it at that. I stared at him.
"I thought you brought that up as a warning to me. I took it as you needing space. I know, and I'm aware of the times when we've had moments during the last month. I was… waiting. I just sort of thought you wanted me to give you space."
"You thought that?"
"Do you want space?"
"I mean, I, I definitely, no."
John-Michael was so wholesomely gorgeous that it made me nervous to say things like that to him. But I needed to put myself out there. I had been waiting for him to touch me for what seemed like forever. I had been on my best behavior in my personal life. I was there, putting myself on the line, and I had no idea what he was going to say. He glanced upward, over my shoulder, and then back at me.
"I'm teaching adjunct here, which means I don't have an office. I'm also relatively sure there are cameras in this classroom, and I probably should try to control myself in this moment."
I smiled at him. "Yeah, cameras," I said, my heart pounding that he would even mention that.
"I am, however, happy about getting closer to you the next time we're alone."
I smiled. "I would like that."
"My son will repeat everything he sees."
"I know."
"If anything happens in front of him, my sisters and mother, and the lady at the grocery store will all know about it."
"I know."
"That would complicate things for you, so we should still be discreet."
"Okay, but how would it complicate things for me?"
"If he sees us and repeats what he saw, my mom and sisters will want to ask all sorts of questions."
"I'm good at answering questions," I said, feeling confident and in a hurry for him to start having feelings for me.
He smiled. "There is one last thing," he said .
"I knew it."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"I knew there was stuff stopping you," I said. "I could feel things stop between us that night."
He sighed, stalling, looking for the right words to say. "I like you so much that I am barely holding it together, Sadie. I'm shaking. I've been thinking you need space this whole time. I thought that was what the warning was about. I won't lie, the Shy thing freaks me out. And it's not that I'm trying to control you or make you quit something you love, but I've seen you dancing, and I've seen the atmosphere at those things. Dudes are all over you, and I'm sorry, but not everyone's motives are good. I feel like I would want to fight dudes constantly if we started—"
He cut off and I said, "If we started what?"
He sighed. "Once I kiss you, I might not want anyone else to."