13. CHAPTER THIRTEEN
I’m cold. Colder than I should be.
I can feel the warm air hitting the back of my neck from the air-conditioning vent above me, but I’m shivering inside my chest like I’m outside in the snow… I think.
Or maybe I’m just thinking about Andy and wishing someone had been there for me at my lowest point. Or, more accurately, I’d allowed myself to be helped.
I’m not a victim, and no one has ever seen how weak I can be. Not anyone who I wouldn’t kill if I saw them again. And I’m not talking about my father. Sometimes I’m scared I’ll look up from my computer, see Josh’s face, and snap. And there’s nothing anyone will be able to do to stop me…
I… I want Jesse back. He makes me calm.
He makes me want to drop the act and show him behind the curtain. No more duplicity.
But I’m hardwired and I can’t reach my reset button.
And what makes me think I deserve him, anyway?
He’s perfection. I know nothing about him, but I know that much.
I need him back.
I need his anxious energy. I can counter against it.
I need his gall, no matter how practiced it may be, because I can test his limits. The more I dig, the more I uncover, and the deeper into him I can fall.
I told him I wouldn’t break, but the binds holding me together are like gossamer. One swipe of that tongue across his bottom lip and I’ll fall to my knees…
I smirk, looking up from Instagram and Jesse’s private account. The one I’ve been staring at for the past five minutes, squinting at his profile picture and wishing I had the balls to follow him. Except that would mean him knowing how much I’m thinking about him. How much I want him, even though that’s exactly what I’m trying to prove.
“Well, well, well. What do we have here?” Tall, gruff, and so bi-racially handsome it’s sickening. Saxon, one of Jesse’s friends and fellow new recruit, has decided to flaunt the staff rules and walk freely around the resort.
“What the hell do you want, Kai?”
“Should I not be the one asking you that?” Uncrossing my arms, I lean forward on the counter to study as much of him as I can see. “A little more put together than the last time I saw you.”
The guy’s a complete dick. Asshat vibes on full power. Just the kind of guy I can picture being friends with Josh in high school. Good at everything, afraid of nothing, with an ego that allows him to dish out his opinions like they’re what everyone needs to hear even though they never asked for it.
“Feeling’s mutual.” His eyes crease and he matches my attitude. Note for note. “Much less like a total slob.”
He has several inches on me, but I raise my chin and bite my bottom lip. I drag my eyes down to his chest and back up to meet his without actually focusing on anything. “I aim to please.”
“Surely that hair color isn’t regulation,” he counters, leaning his forearms on the marble in front of him.
“You’ll find out soon enough that it’s not what you know, it’s who you know. Or… more correctly… who you do , that counts around here.” I push the tip of my tongue against the outside corner of my lips. But he still doesn’t budge, and I hate how much I respect him for it.
Cocky, and perhaps liking the attention a little too much, Saxon taps the please press if the desk is unattended buzzer, and stares at me with a look that says he could eat me whole if he wanted to. And I believe it. But showing weakness isn’t an option, so I shrug him off and slump into the corner like it’s his own time he’s wasting.
“I’ve still got five mini—” Jesse freezes mid-sentence.
“Calm down, bruv,” Saxon beams with self-satisfaction. “No one knows I’m here.”
Jesse scurries forward, his skittish energy giving me strength. “Come on, Sax. It’s my first shift. I’m sorry we went out last night without you, but there’s no reason to pull a Saxon right now.”
Ignoring him, Saxon beckons me with a wave of his hand. “How’s my little guy doing so far?”
I’m still no closer to enjoying his company, but if Saxon likes seeing Jesse squirm, I can at least get on board. “Well, now that you mention it,” I start, wrapping my arm around his shoulders and pulling him to my side. “He’s about as useless as tits on a bull, but I think I’ll keep him around anyway. You know, for comic relief.”
With a—dare I say— respectful nod, Saxon rubs his hands along the counter and changes his tune. “Don’t suppose you can access the ski instructor’s schedules?”
“Unfortunately, I can’t. But the concierge can,” I reply, still analyzing each of Saxon’s moves as I walk in front of the correct computer. “What exactly can I help you with, sir?” I ask, making a point of loudly hitting the enter button.
“Please, Sax. Just leave. I’ll message you when I’m finished. We can go for a beer—”
“I hope that’s an open invitation, Jean. ”
My eyes remain on the computer screen, but Saxon’s face is so animated I can follow its narrative from smirk, to bulging eyes, to furled brow, and finally to his acceptance that Jesse isn’t going to react to what he clearly knows is a sore point. “Just, ah, wanna know the general vicinity of where to find Romeo… If you don’t mind.”
With a jerk of my head, I invite Jesse closer. From the collection of dropdown boxes, I select ‘Private Tutoring’, ‘Skiing and Snowboarding’, and finally enter today’s date. Humming with a puzzled look, I pretend like the task is much more difficult than it is.
Eventually, I click on ‘Romeo Estrada’, because how many other Romeos are there gonna be?
“He’s on the bunny hills with some retirees till one. Then, a half-hour private lesson at three. And… then he’s done for the day.”
“You’re fucking kidding me?” Jesse’s body jerks in aggravation and moves to my opposite side. Brushing my hand away, he reaches around me to scroll through Romeo’s schedule for the rest of the week. And I’m not sure if this is payback or if the cherub is just that na?ve, but now I’m in the same position I had him in earlier.
“You called it, Sax. He’s only working three hours today. He’s living the easy life while we slave away. The bastard.”
“You’re a slave?” I ask suggestively, looking sideways at Jesse.
“The best, baby.”
Oh, that’s definitely not na?ve.
“Are you two gonna start necking on?”
“You can have a private show later if you want, sweet thing.”
“Romeo and I do like to watch.”
“Well, I love entertaining.”
“Can’t wait for tonight, then,” Saxon facetiously dismisses our rally like he’s grown bored with it. “What’s the best way to the mountain?”
“Shuttle.” I rock my hip to the sweet sound of Jesse’s shaky breath. “There’s another one at twelve. Right out the front.”
“Cheers. I’ll leave you two lovebirds to it then.” Rolling his eyes, Saxon reaches over the counter and pinches Jesse on the cheek. Startled, he jumps fully behind me.
“Weirdo.” Saxon shakes his head before offering us a brazen wave and sauntering through the vast lobby to the front doors.
“Were you being bold or just indiscreetly unaware?” I ask Jesse, slack-jawed and proud. “There’s no way he didn’t see that.”
“Don’t care… Do you?”
“Not in the slightest.” But I’m certain you care more than you’re even willing to admit to yourself. “Aren’t you worried about what he might think?”
“Nup.” That’s a bold faced lie, but his denial is so goddamn addictive.
“Guess we’ll see tonight then.”
“Are you actually planning on tagging along?” he asks, meeting my gaze like he doesn’t give a shit.
“You bet. I can’t wait to tease you in front of your friends.”
“Bring it on,” he discounts my threat. “But just so you know, I’m never gonna make the first move. So unless you intend on growing some balls, I’d suggest you get better acquainted with your right hand… Enjoy your lunch break.”