40. CHAPTER FORTY
I’m buzzed for the first time in years.
I lost count of the number of times I knocked myself out with cheap spirits when I was alone in the shed, but this is the first time since the night I almost died that I’ve let myself go around other people.
Once upon a time, I’d be too embarrassed to admit that four-and-a-half beers are all it takes to have me feeling this way, but fuck it. I don’t care anymore. I need this as much as Jesse and Romeo are pretending they don’t.
Would I let myself loose anywhere else?
No.
Not anywhere in the entire fucking world, except here.
It didn’t slip my attention that Jesse and Romeo stopped drinking more than half an hour ago. I also know this joint like I know every single line of ink on my body. I know where the cameras are, and I know Bevan will have his eyes on everything in 52 Degrees North tonight because we’re gonna be there. And I know Nate, and even Wesley—the new barman—are both on hand if needed, because, if I’ve learned anything from the past two months, it's what real family is. And a real family has your back. Even if you’re in the wrong, they’re there for you when it counts.
Fucking Saxon… I swear to high Christ that man is the Devil incarnate.
How he managed to get out of the country without being arrested on attempted murder charges is still beyond me. But he did, and Andy is safe with him in London. I miss that psychotic little bitch, but being on the other side of the planet is the best thing for her.
I just wish I had this kind of support around me nine years ago.
Fuck Mom and Dad, fuck my hometown, and even fuck Millie and the other girls. Sure, they stayed by my side, but if I’d actually gone through with reporting it, would they have stayed then? Or would being besties with the school’s social pariah have been too much for them?
Honestly, I don’t know.
But what I do know, is that I don’t have to guess with this lot.
If having Jesse with me every step of the way isn’t enough, Romeo will come running at the drop of a hat. Nate is just a phone call away. Hell, Cleo has a solid right hook should trouble arise. And Kendall would probably even grab her snowboard and start lopping off heads if need be.
It’s intense, and my imposter syndrome is getting a workout, but it also makes me feel giddy, in that euphoric, pinch-me kinda way. Almost like it’s a dream.
But it’s not.
I know it’s not.
Because my dreams are only ever bad.
And I haven’t had one since the night Andy and Saxon ran away.
When I woke up the next morning, Jesse was in my bed, and he never left. I couldn’t let him go.
But things have stagnated.
And it’s my fault.
Saxon and Jesse are more than just best friends. They’re brothers who’ve been virtually inseparable for the past fourteen years. So when your kin flees the country in a blaze of stupidity, the last thing you need is someone asking, hey, how much longer do you think you’re gonna need before you’ll let me fuck you?
But that’s just the start of it.
In the beginning, it was just about giving Jesse the time he needed, but the longer time dragged on, the more not having Andy around affected me. Cleo is great, but I know there’s still something she’s hiding from us all. So losing Andy left a gaping hole in my chest that can’t seem to be filled, though it’s not through lack of trying. But trauma bonds people. It brings a sense of comfort that there’s someone else close who you never have to explain yourself to. You can be a piece of shit, burn everything to the ground, and they’ll understand why you did it every step of the way without ever saying a word. It’s why Jesse is so close with Sax and Romi. A shared pain linked them to each other, and come rain or shine, nothing will ever tear them apart.
So that’s why I’ve not asked Jess for anything.
I’ve not pushed. I’ve not suggested.
Because if there’s a hole in my chest, half of his body must be missing.
But…
Enough is enough. We can mourn, and we can hurt, but we’re allowed to have fun, too. They didn’t die. They’re living it up in a three-story London terrace. And you can’t tell me Saxon didn’t start marking his territory the second they landed.
Goddamn, I sign. I wanna do that too.
It’s all I’ve thought about lately.
I think I’ve sucked Jesse’s dick just about everywhere I can think of.
Hell, if he told me he was ready for it while we’re at work, I may just end up in prison for indecent exposure cause the likelihood of me bending him over the desk and taking him right then and there is pretty fucking high.
So tonight I’m gonna get things back on track. I’m not expecting anything right away, but this is the longest I’ve ever gone without having sex since Millie let herself in my shed the first time.
Shit . Just thinking about it is getting me worked up.
I’m lucky it’s so cold out here.
I’m glad I didn’t bring my jacket.
Thank fuck it’s January in Alberta, and my body can’t spare the blood it will take to make my dick hard.
Wait. No. How are we here already?
Cleo leads the way, tits first, into the hotel’s main foyer.
Letting everyone else enter first, I wait back and see the bellboy’s eyes land on her chest and not move until I cough. He stares straight at me, mortified—poor kid. He’s only male, and Cleo’s tits could be classed as a weapon of mass destruction if used correctly.
“You need to watch it or you’re gonna take someone’s eyes out with those.” Romeo spins towards Cleo and points straight at her nipples with both hands.
Beside me, I sense Kendall’s pace falter, and I watch from the corner of my eye as she looks down at her own chest.
“Lookin’ hot tonight, Ken.” I glare at Romeo, who hadn’t missed when I flung my arm around her shoulders. “Those pants are doing things to me.”
Kendall bats my chest with a bashful giggle, and Romeo swallows the words in his throat. He knows where he went wrong and he needs to learn how to do better.
“My man does not tell a lie.” Jesse’s arm wraps around Kendall’s waist and the three of us follow behind Cleo and Romeo—whose hands are now in his pockets and his head is straight forward. “It’s usually a lot sexier to leave something to the imagination.”
Turning, Cleo’s heels click backward against the marble tiles of the foyer as she gives Jesse a wry grin. But she’s not mad. She knew what she was doing when she picked that dress to wear. And I know she loves Kendall and would never actually try to take Romeo from her.
Doing a little skip so she’s facing forward again, Cleo sidesteps toward Romeo, grabs his forearm, and hugs it to her chest.
His back goes stiff as a board as she stares up at him, but—props to the man—he doesn’t look back down at her and continues to lead the way to 52 Degrees.
“Don’t sweat it.” I hear Jesse whisper. “He’s only got eyes for you.”
“I know—” Kendall gasps, claps her hands over her mouth, and Jesse and I watch her face redden to match her hair in real time. I’m not sure whose decision it was to keep their relationship a secret, but I do know for certain that the longer their denial goes on, the more entertaining it is for me and Jess. “No-no-no! That’s not what I mean,” she insists, waving her hands frantically. “It’s just… Cleo. She’s a little full-on sometimes. That’s all. You know?”
“Whatever you say, hot stuff.” I hold out my hand to her, and when she takes it, I spin her ballroom style so she’s back between me and Jesse again. “But when you’re ready to admit it out loud, I’m all ears.”
Kendall’s head falls into her hands. “Please stop.”
“Nope. I wanna know what he looks like under those clothes. And I trust your details better than Cleo’s.”
“You could just ask me,” Jesse says with such indifference it would be comical if you didn’t understand our relationship.
“Sorry, Pretty Boy, but I don’t trust you either. Platonic friends and all.”
“Why don’t you just wait until the weather is warmer and he’s in the pool?”
Oh Kendall, my Kendall… Sweetheart. “God, you just get cuter by the minute… No, hun, I’m talking lower.”
Jesse shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose when I point to my crotch, and Kendall’s eyes nearly pop out of her head. “I’ve seen that too.”
“Showers don’t count. I need to know if he’s a grower or a shower.”
“He’s both.”
“I thought I was your first.”
“My first one on one.”
Kendall rubbernecks between us as Jesse and I volley above her head.
I couldn’t give a fuck what Romeo’s dick looks like, but Kendall’s whole body is turning red, and thinking about Jesse naked is making me too self-indulgent to stop.
“You’re full of surprises, Baby. Was Saxon there too?”
“Sometimes. But because he’s not too good at sharing, it was usually just the two of us… Plus one or two girls.”
Well, fuck me. Turns out my boyfriend is a freak.
“Tell me about Sax then.”
“Grower.”
“So all three of you are packing?”
“Yep… That’s why we let you hang out with us. Only big dicks allowed.”
I’m pretty sure Kendall is biting her finger, but I’m not taking my eyes off Jesse to find out.
“Cool it with your foul mouth, Jess. You’re corrupting poor Kenny.”
“Isn’t it best we prepare her for what’s coming? Or… perhaps she already knows?”
“You do have a point. Where does Romeo rank in the big dick club?”
“Number one.” Jesse shrugs like Kendall already knows the answer, and walks off to where Romeo and Cleo are waiting by the club entrance. Looking back at me, he shifts his focus to Kendall and winks—and I think I like him even more for it.
“You know…” I hold my words until Kendall and I are alone in the corridor outside the doors. “If you haven’t already gone for a ride, when you are ready, I suggest not eating the day of.”
“W-why?” she stutters, looking up at me with eyes as wide as saucers.
I shrug and start walking backward away from her. “Because that monster is gonna fuck you so deep, anything you ate will come spewing back out your mouth.”
Laughing to myself as I step inside 52 Degrees, Will—the bouncer—greets me with a jerk of his chin. “Where’s Kendall?”
“Just catching her breath.”
The look Romeo gives me as he pushes past is priceless.
“What did you say to her?” Jesse’s eyes roll so hard I can hear it in his voice.
I grab his hand. “Nothing you haven’t already thought… This way.”
“You really should come with a warning.”
I can only just make out Jesse’s words over whichever R’n’B song is blaring in the club, and I tug him closer to my side as we approach the VIP booth next to the bar. Unclipping the rope so Cleo can take a seat, I back Jesse up against the table.
“See. That’s why you’d make a perfect Dom.”
He crosses his arms and leans back against the table. “Why’s that?”
“Because you always look out for me.”
Light from the bar shadows the left side of his face, but I still see his smirk and the spark in his eye. “Sounds like what you really want is a father.”
“Fuck fathers.” I step closer and lean my hands on either side of his hips. “What I want. Is a daddy.”
“You do realize how ridiculous that sounds when you insist on calling me Pretty Boy every thirty seconds.”
To respond or not to respond?
Simply blinking from Jesse’s eyes to his lips and back again as my tongue pushes purposefully into the corner of my mouth isn’t going to be enough this time.
“How about Pretty Boy in the streets, Daddy in the sheets?”
Jesse’s tongue darts out to wet his lower lip. And though I can tell it’s more out of nerves than enticement, it doesn’t mean the effect isn’t the same. Because I still want his tongue and fingers in my mouth, and his hand around my throat as I fuck him.
I press my dick against his. “Do you think you can do that for me, My Pretty Boy? ”
Jesse’s thighs squeeze around my right leg. “Do you think you can handle being told what to do when it comes to…” His eyes break away from mine and journey to my chest. His arms unfold, and when his hands are pressed against my pecs, his gaze travels back to meet mine. “Do you think you’ll be able to do as you’re told the whole time?”
“Do you think I can’t control myself?”
I swear the freckles on Jesse’s nose darken three shades.
“I don’t want you to control yourself.” His hands tug my shirt out from my pants and his fingers tickle my stomach. “That’s the point.”
Air hisses past my teeth as I inhale. “Watch yourself, or I might have to take you right here in front of everyone.”
“Even though your daddy wants to wait till you’re back in his room?” His face twitches, and I can tell the word doesn’t feel right on his tongue. But goddamn, I fucking loved hearing it.
I expel all my frustrations in a drawn outbreath, and lean my forehead against Jesse’s. “Don’t tease me.”
“Who says I’m teasing you?”
My head shoots up, and I’m instantly searching his eyes for even the tiniest hint of deception.
One of Jesse’s hands grips my belt and the other rises to my throat. The tips of his fingers dig into the sides of my neck, his palm pushes against my Adam’s apple with just the right amount of pressure—exactly how I like it. “I’m not teasing.”
“No more drinks.” The words are tumbling out of my mouth before I can slow them down. But Jesse can see I’ve lost my cool as his hand slides from my neck, down my chest, and around my side to rest against my lower back. “I don’t want anything to blur the memory.”
“Me either.”
I try to take a step back, but my resolve is so weakened I barely move against Jesse’s hold on me. “I’m not gonna make it.”
His fingers slink further beneath my belt. "Good things come to those who wait, remember?”
This is pure agony, but I deserve every second of it for what I put Jesse through in the beginning. All the back and forth. The games. The wondering. But still, I’m only human.
“I’ve already waited two months… I’m used to fucking on the first night.”
“I know. Me too. But it’ll be worth the wait.”
“Jesus Christ,” I pant out, running my fingers up through Jesse’s hair until I’m holding the sides of his head. “I can’t wait to know how you feel.”