42. CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
My bedroom door closes and I sit up—my muscles tightening as I wince.
I’m not in pain. It doesn’t hurt. It’s just… well… I’ve never been fucked in the ass before.
I guess uncomfortable is appropriate.
Tender?
Whatever. I’m fine.
Reaching up, I tear the hairband from my hair. Shaking my head furiously, I scratch my scalp and head straight for the bathroom. Cupping my hands under the tap, I douse my hair with water and smooth it back.
This is the shit that actually hurts.
I’ve never worn my hair up so much in my life. I honestly don’t know how girls do it. But I do it for Kai and the attention he gives me when my neck is bare.
Usually, I take it out when I go to bed, but my lights were out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Teeth and hair brushed, I wade through the piles of clothes on my bedroom floor. I kick at one to gain access to the wardrobe and the fresh shirt Kai ironed for me. He’s practically my wifey at this point. He hangs up his favorite clothes of mine and tidies the bathroom. He straightens the desk and makes the bed but draws the line at sorting through the piles. Of course, I never asked to do any of it, so I think it’s out of love. Or he’s sick of me wearing a creased uniform to work. You decide.
Shirt in hand, I smirk at what I’ve unwittingly revealed from the pile.
Emerald green—and if I’m being truthful, far too small for me now—my Lancaster Prep Senior jersey is staring up at me.
Tossing my shirt on the bed, I pick up my jersey and run my fingers over the school emblem embroidered in maroon and black. Turning it over, I laugh at the personalized name on the back; ‘LLJJ’. Saxon wishes it was his genius, but it was all Romeo. Little Lord Jean-Jesse . Fuck, he thought he was hot shit when he came up with that.
I’d managed to keep my family life away from him and Saxon until my grandparents sent their housekeeper to collect me for Easter break because Mum and Dad were already in France. As soon as she uttered the words ‘Lord Kendrick’, my heart sank through the floor.
I wasn’t ashamed of my name or my family—not really. But Sax, Romi, and I had made a point of steering clear of the haughty, posh pricks that went to our school who thought they could rule over everyone else because they just so happened to be birthed from a lofty vagina. I wasn’t like them. I never wanted to be like them. And I was terrified that I’d lose the only real friends I’d ever known because of it.
Unluckily, instead of it being an issue for them, it became a real fucking struggle for me. Every bellend was calling me ‘LL Double-J’ like I should have been an extra on the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air a week into the next term.
I run my fingers over the letters.
Kai has asked me what it means.
‘Ladies Love JJ’ had worked at the time. He laughed it off like I’m a complete idiot—which I am. I should have just told him the truth.
I still should tell him the truth, but thoughts of it leave me simmering with intrinsic self-hatred because what have I ever done to deserve it?
How do I look him in the eye, knowing what he’s been through, and say, oh, by the way, I’m technically British royalty . I can have anything in the entire world. I may as well just cut to the chase and say, bad luck, chump. You sure got the short straw. Sorry, your dad’s a dick and your mum’s a cunt. Oh, and you know all that other shit you’ve been through that messed you up mentally and ruined your life? Yeah, well, I’ve got no idea what any of that feels like. But I hope some money and expensive gifts can help you forget about it.
But… I love the guy. And if I ever tell him, I expect to hear it back. And I won’t deserve it unless he knows everything.
And whenever anyone finds out, they don’t see me anymore. They see a title, an estate, an inheritance, and a bank balance with more zeros than they can count. To hell with my degree from UCL that I got through my own hard work. They don’t just give out places willy-nilly. I put in four years of hard graft to graduate with honors, but nah, forget that. You’re gonna be a Baron unless your uncle has an illegitimate son out there somewhere. Why don’t you just kick back, relax, and get yourself a reality show?
To hell with the damn patriarchal system. Just give it to my cousin. She’ll make a better representative, anyway. She’s already married, and it’s not to a member of the same sex…
Fuck.
There, I said it.
The reason I can’t tell Kai is because of Kai.
Systemic homophobia runs deep in my world, and I’m not prepared to put him in a corner.
But how is what I’m doing any different?
Jesus Christ, Jesse, you selfish son of a bitch! You’ve fallen in love with a man—who you know is falling in love with you, too—and you know this relationship can’t exist back home.
I toss my jersey, flop onto my bed, and scream into my pillow.
I really should stop this.
But I can’t.
This is the only truly selfish thing I’ve ever done, and nothing has ever felt so right.
Hearing Kai’s door close, I jump to my feet and grab my work khakis. By the time he’s letting himself back into my room, I’m tugging them up over my backside.
“Here,” he says, throwing a strip of pills at me.
“I already told you. I’m fine.” I toss the ibuprofen onto my bed. Turning back to him, I chuckle at his dubious stare. “Seriously. It’s not a dig at your size or skill, I promise.”
“Cleo complained the day after.”
“But Cleo’s a whiny little bitch.”
Kai shrugs, it’s true , and picks up my shirt from my bed and hands it to me. “I didn’t iron this for you to just toss it around.”
“Ooh, I love it when you get domestic.”
“If I was domestic, this shit heap you call a room wouldn’t be a shit heap anymore.”
“It’s one of my quirks you’re just gonna have to learn to live with. And if it becomes too much of a problem, you can take it up with Lancaster College I look him square in the eyes. “I’m not a slob. I have an untidy room. But I always look amazing.”
Kai holds on to his stern expression for several seconds before his bottom lip is sucked between his teeth. He looks down at my still loose tie and untucked shirt, then back up to my neck and the hair partially obscuring it. “Lancaster sounds like an expensive school.”
I slide my hands off his shoulders and tuck in my shirt. “Being able to ship your kids off for months at a time does come at a price.”
“What kind of price?” Kai’s voice is soft but prying, and I know I should just take the opportunity to tell him everything, but—
“I dunno. I never paid the bills.”
“Have you ever paid any bills?”
Partway through doing up my belt, my head shoots up. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean, Kai?”
“Nothing. I just—”
“I’m here working, aren’t I? And I’ve taken no days off.”
“How do you buy a Burberry scarf on minimum wage?”
I tense up, but try to override it by taking my coat from the back of the desk chair and putting it on.
“And a Tom Ford coat.”
That one had some bite to it.
“I have a feeling this has nothing to do with my clothes.”
Taking a deep breath, Kai cracks his neck from side to side. “It has nothing to do with anything.”
“Why don’t I believe you?”
With a softer face, he steps toward me and takes my hand. “I just wanna know what I’m in for when I come to visit.”
My expression twists. “Visit?”
“Do you not want me to?”
Fuck no!
Of course, I don’t want you to visit. I want you with me every damn day.
Fuck!
There’s no way I can end this.
There’s no way I can ever say goodbye to him.
I smile as my lips start moving. “I live with Sax and Romi in London. It’s just a regular share house situation. You know all this. Just like you already know our families have money. And I’d hope by now that you’ve realized it’s not all we’re about.”
“I know.” Head bowed, he puts my hands around his waist, then his own run over the wool on my coat sleeves. “But Andy’s there too. So it won’t be the same when you go back.”
“Guess we’ll just have to get our own place, then.”
I know I shouldn’t have said that, but the words sound so good.
“Really?”
Kai’s eyes are so full of hope, like I’m a goddamn superhero, and I just want to say ‘yes’ to him a thousand times. Or however many it takes for him to believe me. But life in London is one thing and my birthright is a whole other gigantic, overwhelming kettle of fish. So I just tug him closer.
“That’s ten months away, Babe. You might not be able to stand the sight of me by then.”
“No hope of that happening.” Kai’s smolder is back and that damn tongue of his is poking against his lips.
“We’re gonna be late for work,” I warn, but make no attempt to move.
“You’re gonna be the death of me, you know that?” He leans in until I can feel his breath on my skin.
“I’m pretty sure you died the second you saw me.”
I can already feel Kai sucking on my tongue and bottom lip before he even makes contact. And the swell of lust in my stomach has me desperate to be back on my bed; naked and on all fours.
“No, Kai!” My voice is low and dark, like a promise. And his eyes twinkle with the same lust that’s inside me at hearing his name spoken like that.
“You just wait till work’s over.”
“Yeah-yeah, whatever buddy,” I say dryly as I push away—trying to convince myself as I head towards the door. “We have to get through the next eight hours first.”
Pulling on my Chelsea boots, I tap my toe on the floor to adjust the right foot, then open the door. “C’mon, lover boy. I dare you to keep your hands off me all shift.”
“How is that a fair dare?” Kai moans, shoulders slumped, and head back in a full-blown tantrum stance.
“Whoever said dares have to be fair? Isn’t that kinda the point?”
Pressing the button in on the back of the handle, I pull my door closed and shove Kai in the back to straighten him up.
“But you’re meant to want to make me happy,” he grumbles, wrapping his arms around my right one and resting his chin on my shoulder.
“I’m gonna start calling you Baby Girl.”
“What do you expect after what you let me do last night? Those faces… Those noises… I’m never letting you go.”