43. CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
The reception door flings open so fast the handle bashes against the wall.
Jesse jumps, but I’ve been expecting a visit like this. It was only a matter of time.
“What the fuck did you pricks get up to last night?”
“Woah-woah-woah!” Calmly, I push up from the blind corner and square off with our intruder. “I suggest you calm down, Alma. What if there’d been guests?”
“Do you think I’d be stupid enough to not check the camera first?” she hisses back and I’m slapped in the face with the stench of alcohol. It’s strong. Spirits mixed with beer. Her eyes are struggling to stay focused as she tries with all she has to concentrate on everything she has to say.
“I’m not sure, Al. You seem pretty fired up. You don’t tend to use your brain when you’re this emotional.” Staring down at Alma, I’m reminded of how much of a powerhouse she is. She’s strong, rigid, and persistent as hell.
“If I wanted feedback on my emotional state, I’d have asked for it. Now answer my question.”
“God, you talk to me like shit sometimes.” Shaking my head, I turn from her and stand beside Jesse. “In case you haven’t noticed, we aren’t hungover. Weren’t late this morning either. Both here bright and perky at seven am.”
Alma’s jaw quivers just enough for me to notice.
I hate seeing her like this, but it’s also a confrontation that’s been two months in the making. And now that Andy’s gone, all her attention is back on me.
“We were back at midnight too, if you must know.”
Taking a step closer, Alma’s eyes drift to Jesse and she stops—intoxication rendering her unable to hide the malicious glare she’s giving him.
“It’s just like last time. I’ve been running around all morning trying to sort shit out.”
“You sure about that, Al? It smells like you’ve been quietly seething in a corner.”
“Yes, I’m fucking sure. Cleo is MIA, Nate isn’t answering my calls, and Kendall threw up on a client’s skis!”
“Not quite sure how that’s my problem. Especially Nate, considering he doesn’t work till tonight. Why should he answer his phone?”
“But-said-you.” Alma stumbles over her words and pounds her fist against her thigh. “You said you’d be responsible.”
“Excuse me?” I can feel a pulsing through my temples as I clench my teeth together. “Why the hell is it my responsibility to hold their hands? They’re all adults. We were responsible. We behaved exactly like we said we would.”
“We-we-we,” Alma mocks, rocking her head from side to side. “All you ever talk about is we! ”
“I can’t help but feel personally attacked, if I’m being honest.” Jesse tosses his phone into the shit drawer and slams it shut. Returning to my side, he crosses his arms over his chest, and the air of possessive disdain radiating off him towards Alma has me fighting against the urge to drop to the ground and suck him dry right in front of her. “I don’t actually think last night has anything to do with it… Does it, Alma?”
Of course, it doesn’t. All three of us know exactly why she’s here.
“What are you talking about? Why else would I be here? Because of you—” She waves her hand in Jesse’s direction with a cavalier dismissiveness that I know she’s spent hours practicing. “Kai convinced me to—”
“Convinced?” My voice raises and I don’t care if they can hear me in the cafe just off of reception. “I mentioned in passing that we could all use a night out and you volunteered the club!”
Caught in her lie, Alma’s eyes widen, but she stands her ground.
“So, all that follow-the-rules bullshit you were going on about last night was part of the act, then?” Jesse asks, but we all know it’s rhetorical.
“I… I…” she falters.
“Should quit drinking alone in the dark?”
“Fuck you, Kai.” She’s losing her cool.
“What’s your problem with Jesse?”
“I don’t have one.”
Bullshit!
The man on the moon can see it. And I assume she’s trying to get him fired, but hit the bottle a little too hard after the beers we so kindly gave her last night.
“Your jealousy is showing.”
“I think she’s in love with you, Kai.”
“I am not!”
Leaving my side, Jesse steps to her. “So why were you tidying his room and putting him back to bed when he had night terrors?”
His words are like a knife to my chest, then my guts, then a slash across my neck from ear to ear. “What?” I knew I wasn’t crazy, but the thought of her coming into my room… It just doesn’t make sense. “Why would you do that, Alma?” My hands shake and my eyes sting with rising tears.
“I didn’t want you to—”
“Fuck.” My voice is feeble at best as I stumble back into the corner.
Every breath draws the walls in closer until it feels like I’m suffocating.
I clench into the fabric of my shirt and wring it in my hands to try to stop their shaking.
Never. Never did I ever expect that she’d abuse her power.
When I’m alone. Sleeping. Completely vulnerable. She’d let herself into my room?
I don’t know what she did. Could have done. What she wanted to do.
“How long? How many times?” I mutter.
“Babe, it’s okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I snap—pushing away the hands that touched me only for my eyes to focus on Jesse’s face. “I’m sorry,” I mumble quickly. “I’m not mad at you, but…”
Looking into his eyes, the walls stop pulsing.
My breathing slows, and I find my strength.
“I’m fucking pissed.”
I step around Jesse.
“You know everything. Everything! And you do that shit to me? You were the first friend I ever told.”
“Friend? Is that all I ever was to you?”
“How many fucking times? I never promised you anything else!”
“But you kept coming back.”
“Just cause I was tired of meaningless sex didn’t mean I wanted a relationship. I liked you, I told you that, but I never agreed to anything more. Jesus!”
“So what do you call this, then?” She dares to demand—pointing between Jesse and me.
“A relationship!” I yell back at her. Alma opens her mouth, but I’m not done yet. “Jesse never lied to me. He took his time, respected my boundaries. He knew my story before we ever hooked up. He’s been by my side with me, not trying to control me.”
“I never tried to control you.”
“I don’t wanna hear it, Alma! I’m done with you!”
“Done with me?”
“Done!”
“Alright, who wants first—”
Esther stands awkwardly between Jesse, Alma, and me—her eyes shooting back and forth between us. The tension around her growing by the second. “Ah… Someone not happy with the new couple?” she jokes dryly, closing the door and leaning against it.
The silence that follows feels like an eternity.
Fury rages within me as Alma stares back, trying to match my ferocity. And the only thing stopping me from going full psycho and tearing the place apart is Jesse. Just being here. Being near.
My tongue rolls around my mouth and my teeth start chattering.
The prickle of irritation pounds in my chest.
His hand. I need his hand.
His fingers.
His mouth.
He sighs, “I’d say you’re right, Esther… Look, Kai, you take the first break. Alma, go and get everything off your chest. Call me a prick as many times as you like, but just know it won’t change a thing or make you feel any better.”
No!
That’s not gonna happen.
I’ve already wasted too much of my energy on this shit.
Reaching out to Jesse, I grab a fistful of his shirt and tie and yank him towards me. His lips curl and his eyes sparkle as I show Alma just how much of my time I’m willing to give her.
As soon as our lips touch, Jesse’s tongue is pushing down against mine, then up against the roof of my mouth. He fights with me. Makes me work just enough for what I need before surrendering and letting me take over. To relax.
The calm that washes over me almost has me collapsing in his arms.
I’m free again. Free from the pain and the anger that have followed me around since I was old enough to realize how shit my life was.
He’s my rock and my lighthouse.
The only man who’s never lied to me. So why the hell can’t he tell me the whole truth, too?
Jesse pulls back, and I draw his breath in through my nose.
His hand cups my jaw, and he hooks his thumb over my bottom teeth.
My eyes shut, my lips close around him, and I start gently sucking.
“On second thought. We’re going on break together today. And Alma… You can fuck right off.”
A shiver runs up my spine and I bite down on his thumb.
I guess that’s why he doesn’t tell me.
He already knows I’ll follow him anywhere.
“Are you alright?”
His hands are so warm against my face.
“Kai. Please answer me.”
His thumb tastes salty. More than usual.
It’s nice.
“Babe?”
His voice is like cotton wool wrapping me up. Protecting me.
Fighting for me.
Is this what it feels like to be loved?
Not a one sided love, but a true, once in a lifetime—I’ll let you have the door floating in the icy Atlantic while I freeze to death—kind of love.
His freckles and those gorgeous green eyes get closer until I can feel the heat of his nose radiating against the tip of mine.
“Are you with me, Kai?” he asks gently, and I suck down his words and kiss him.
He kisses me back. Softly. Like a promise more than anything.
Like he knows he has a whole world he needs to introduce me to.
“Thank you.” My lips move against his because I don’t want to pull away.
“What for?”
“For wanting me. Even when stuff like this keeps happening.”
The slightest shake of my head in his hands has me opening my eyes.
“I’ll deal with shit like this every day if it means I get to have you every night.”
My eyes burn like I haven’t blinked in ages, and to be honest, I’m not sure how long I’ve been staring at Jesse because the grip he currently has on my soul is occupying every fiber of my being.
I’m completely lost.
A stranger in a strange land.
I don’t know words as sweet as those. Not how to put them together, at least.
I’ve never needed to.
Emotions are hard to decipher when all I’ve ever known is hate, fear, and self-destruction.
But I want to make Jesse feel as good as he’s made me.
I reach for his belt.
“What are you doing?” He jolts back.
I close the gap he created and try again.
“Stop it.” He slaps my hand away.
My hands land on his chest, then slide to his waist. “Just let me.”
“No. Are you mental? We’re in the fucking staff room.”
“Let’s go back to your room, then.”
“No.” He grabs my wrists. His expression is confused and almost outraged and I don’t understand why he won’t just let me do this for him. “Why are you being like this?”
“Like what?”
“Like this.” He tosses my hands away and steps to the side. “So pushy… We just had a fight with Alma and your first thought is to drop to your knees.”
My forehead creases.
What doesn’t he understand?
“I just wanna make you feel good, too.”
“I do feel good, Kai.”
“But I didn’t do anything.”
“Are you fucking serious?”
I wouldn’t have said it if I wasn’t. “That’s how I make people feel good.”
“God. What the fuck have they done to you?” Jesse grabs the sides of my head and holds me firm. “You are enough, Kai. Just as you are. Just standing here breathing. You chose me, out of everyone you’ve ever met. Do you have any idea how amazing that makes me feel?”
I’m like a statue, virtually lifeless in his hands. I understand his words, but they’re just so hard to believe.
Words were never enough.
I hate you was always followed up by a slap, a concussion, or a broken something.
Words were always empty.
I love you —no matter how rare it was said—didn’t prove a damn thing to me. It only ever made the person saying them feel better. My mother—fuck her—only ever used those three words as an excuse. As a lie to herself, and anyone outside of our house who might question my bruises. But we both know she only ever loved one person.
Actions. They’re what matters.
They can hurt, but can also feel incredible.
They’re the only true indications of how a person feels about you. And I think this thing I’m feeling might be love. Or at least the closest thing I’ve ever come to it.
It’s not just a desire to protect like with Andy. To trade witty remarks like with Cleo and Saxon. Or to even have a beer and not talk about anything at all like I know I can do with Romeo. It’s all of those things. And being able to be a complete shitshow of a person who’s learning how to love one minute at a time because they’re just that fucked up.
“Are you ever gonna believe me, Kai?”
“I want to.” My dry eyes blink and a fine line of water wells, but not enough to form tears.
“You’re everything I need. Just… Just knowing that you’re there. That’s all I need.”
“But I wanna show you.”
“When we met, you couldn’t even walk into my room. Now I have a key to yours. You know how big of a deal it was to trust me with that, so how can you not see that it means more to me than—makes me feel better than—anything I’ve ever done?”
“It’s just a key.”
Jesse shakes my head. “Are you even listening? It’s not about the key, it’s about what it means. What it all means. Us showering together, spending the night together. You feeling comfortable enough when you’re around me to get drunk… All that means so much to me, Kai.”
“Okay.”
I think I spoke it. I know my lips moved, but I’m not sure if any sound came out.
“ Huh, ” Jesse sighs. “You’re gonna be the death of me… Do you really think last night would have happened if you didn’t make me feel special every single day?”
“Am I not a burden, though?”
“Sometimes,” he snickers. “But it’s all part of the big ball of mischief that you are. And… I like taking care of you. I like that you need me.”
“And what about—”
“I swear to god, if you say anything even remotely sexual, I’ll put a padlock on my pants until you get it through your thick skull that all that is just the icing on the cake.”
I wrap my lips around my teeth and close my mouth tight.
He grins. “You’ve got such a one-track mind.”
“And you don’t?”
“Clearly not,” he huffs with a smile. “Where have you been for the past five minutes?”
“Do you love me?”
I don’t know why I asked that.
I’m already trying to escape Jesse’s hold, but he won’t let me budge.
“If you only hear one thing I’ve said today, make sure it’s this…”
His head bows and his eyes almost darken as they stare up at me.
“It’s clear that you don’t understand just how important you are to me…”
The depth of Jesse’s tone is even more commanding than when he was wringing my neck in the early hours of this morning.
“So trust me when I say this… I’d fucking kill for you, Kai.”