Chapter 10 Getting Real
Getting Real
Jake
“Mmm, Jake, this is delicious.”
I can’t help grinning at Holly’s praise, and the fact that she’s already had two helpings of my lasagna and is working on her third. At least she’s not shy when she eats, and damn, is her happiness a sight to behold.
“I still can’t believe you made this,” she continues, cutting another bite. “This is like ambrosia of the gods territory good.”
I chuckle at her assessment. “I’m glad you like it.”
“I love it,” she says seriously.
I don’t miss the little groan of delight as she takes another bite, and have to surreptitiously adjust myself beneath the table. She’s killing me with those little sounds of pleasure she’s been making as she eats, and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Well, I might change the fact that we’re sitting across the table from each other rather than being in another position together, but one thing at a time.
That she came over at all is huge, especially since I just sprang the invitation on her. I’d like to say I don’t know what got into me, but that’s not true.
“I’ve missed you,” I tell her honestly. We’ve chatted about all sorts of things, but not this, not yet. “I know we just met, but after seeing you every day this week, it felt strange not seeing you yesterday and today.”
She nods, reaching for her water. “I feel the same way.”
My heart rate speeds up at her admission, and I resist the urge to reach across the table and take her hand when she sets her glass back down.
“It’s weird though, right?” she says, her brows furrowing slightly. “I mean, we just met a few days ago, and here we are. I can’t believe I actually came over to your house.”
“I’m glad you did.” Unable to help myself any longer, I reach across the table after all, gently slipping my fingers around hers. “I love spending time with you, Holly, and I’m glad we can share this meal together.”
I’d love to share so much more with her, but I don’t want to freak her out by saying that right now. So, I gaze into those beautiful green eyes instead, silently willing her to understand. Hoping she can see the love and respect I have for her in my face.
We’ve spent most of the meal talking about easier things—my training, her weekend. After spending so much time with her this week, being so careful not to spook her, I’m glad to finally have it out in the open in words that I enjoy her company.
More than enjoy it. She’s rapidly become my whole world.
She gives me a soft smile, repositioning our hands so they’re clasped more fully, and I let out a breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding.
“I’m glad too,” she says quietly. “Thank you for inviting me. And thank you for everything this week, Jake. Really.”
I smile back. “It’s my pleasure. Anything for you.”
I know how sappy that probably sounds, and I don’t give a damn. It’s the God’s honest truth. I’d do anything for this woman.
As that reality settles in deeper, I give her hand a little squeeze.
We sit like that in silence for a few moments, holding hands across the table and gazing into each other.
I feel a shift in the air as something builds between us.
Something vital and electric. Rather than try to name it or minimize or explain it away, I lean into it and glide my thumb along her soft skin.
She inhales audibly, but doesn’t tense. In fact, she softens, her entire body leaning in toward mine.
“You’re so beautiful,” I murmur after a moment. “So precious and incredible, Holly.”
She gives me a radiant smile, basking in my praise, so I keep it up, telling her everything I love about her, from her beautiful heart and courageous spirit to her incredible generosity and creativity, right along with her gorgeous body and stunning smile.
“I love everything about you,” I tell her honestly. The charge in the air is palpable now, a frisson on my skin, a warmth in my blood and bones.
“I’m really bad at this, Jake,” she whispers after a moment. “But I don’t want to be. I want…” Her voice trails off as tears pool in her eyes, and all I can think about is comforting her.
“I’d like to hug you, Holly,” I say when she doesn’t continue. “Is that okay with you?”
She nods, blinking back her tears, and I’m there for her in an instant, moving around the table and crouching to her level, wrapping my arms around her. She hugs me back, her tears flowing now. I hate that she’s crying, but damn, it feels so right holding her close like this.
“I’ve got you, Hols,” I soothe, gliding a palm along her back and loving the fact that I’ve just given her a nickname. “You’re safe with me,” I remind her. “We can take whatever pace you need. You’re safe. Let go, sweetheart. I’ve got you.”
“Please don’t call me that,” she chokes out, the pain in her voice piercing my heart and putting my protective instincts on alert. “Sweetheart is what he—” She shakes her head against my shoulder and whispers, “I can’t, Jake.”
More tears come in a torrent, her body shaking with her sobs, and I hold her closer, determined to be her rock and fortress through the storm she’s obviously experiencing.
“I’ve got you, Holly,” I vow aloud, determined to help her feel safe.
She cries for several minutes, and I remain steadfast, holding her the entire time, saying soothing things to her, avoiding using the word sweetheart since it’s apparent the asshole who hurt her used that word. I’ll strike it from my vocabulary.
Anything for her.
Eventually, she calms, and I reposition so I can lift her. She goes with it, wrapping her arms around my neck and her legs around my body, letting me carry her. I take us into the living room, still speaking softly to her, and settle us on the couch opposite the fireplace with her in my lap.
Holly nestles into my chest, her head resting under mine, and I love the scent of her shampoo. Something fruity I can’t quite identify, but it makes me think of pomegranates and almond croissants.
“I’m sorry,” she says softly after a minute. “I don’t—”
“I’ve got you,” I reiterate. “I’m not afraid of a few tears.”
She sniffles, but she’s stopped crying, from what I can tell. Her body isn’t quaking any more, and that’s a good thing. I tell her so, and she snuggles closer, tucking her arms under mine.
I let her do what she needs to, relishing every micro-movement, every shared breath, and the way she’s seeking comfort in my embrace.
I don’t know what initially set her off, or why she started crying, but that she’s cuddled up to me right now lets me know it’s probably not from something I did, even calling her ’sweetheart’ when I didn’t know she hated that term.
Still, I want to make damn sure, because if any of her tears are because of me, I need to fix that.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I ask, running my palm along her spine in a soothing rhythm.
She uncurls herself from my chest and leans back in my arms to gaze at me. I flatten my hand along her lower back, returning her gaze unflinchingly, wanting her to see that I’m all in here with her.
“I’ve got you,” I remind her. “You can tell me anything. I promise.”
“You’re just so… sweet,” she says haltingly.
Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but honestly, I’m just happy she’s not crying anymore.
But sweet?
Ouch. I don’t think that’s what I want to be known for. Not with her, anyway.
“Sweet,” I repeat slowly when she doesn’t say anything else.
Yeah, still not a fan of that one.
“It’s a compliment,” she says softly. “I’m not used to men being sweet.
Or kind. Or…” She shakes her head, shifting her focus to the end table beside the couch.
“There’s always been something nefarious wrapped in the silken words.
Love bombing. Presents and experiences as a kind of reparation for awful behavior.
Sometimes, it’s hard to trust this.” Her eyes find mine again. “Us.”
That word hits me right in the gut, that bone-deep knowing I’ve had since the moment I first saw her settling deeper and gaining weight, grounding me in this moment. Grounding our future.
Us.
“I like that word,” I share. “I want us to be an ‘us’, Holly. But we don’t have to rush this. I’m not going anywhere. We don’t have to rush anything. I get that you’ve been hurt before. Hell, I have too.”
I tell her about how I’d married my high school sweetheart right before I left for basic training.
How it had seemed like the right thing at the time, the next logical step in our relationship.
How I’d thought I’d loved her, and how she’d left me for someone else less than two years later while I was deployed.
“Trust is something that is earned,” I share. “I don’t expect you to trust me overnight, especially with everything you’ve been through. But I hope you’ll give me the opportunity to earn your trust, Holly. I hope you’ll let me love you like you deserve to be loved.”
“Love?” she chokes out, her eyes bright with unshed tears.
I nod, smoothing her hair behind her ear with my fingertips. “I know it seems fast, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I’ve lived a lot of life, and I know what love is.”
“Like your ex-wife?” The confusion in her voice guts me, but I can see why she’d ask that.
“My first marriage wasn’t out of love, Holly.
It was out of convenience, maybe even a sense of obligation, but I didn’t see it that way at the time.
Neither of us did. At the end of the day, we were just two kids playing at being grownups.
Friends who should have stayed friends. I thought I loved her, and I did, but not in a mature way. Not in a forever way.”
She gasps, tensing, and I know I’ve stepped in it with her again.
“I’m not asking you for forever right now, Holly.
” Though Lord knows I want to. She’s not ready for that though, not yet.
Not by a long mile, unfortunately. “I’m asking for the chance to let this thing that’s wanting to grow between us unfurl and blossom.
That can take however long it takes, and look however it needs to. ”
“I’m scared,” she admits softly. “I want you, Jake. I want to be with you, and I’m also scared to let myself have you. To trust this. Trust you.”
Her words undo me. The raw honesty in her voice, the heartache and longing. I want to soothe all of it. Kiss it away.
“God, I want to kiss you right now,” I breathe. “You’re so damn brave, Holly. I hate that you’ve been hurt before, and I get that’s made you scared. But believe me, babe, I’m nothing like your ex, and have no intention of doing that to you.”
There’s a furrow between her blonde brows as she nods, and I wish I could caress it away, but I don’t want to spook her.
The fact that she hasn’t pulled away from me is huge, and it’s not lost on me that she’s still sitting astride my lap, letting me touch her and rest my palm against her lower back.
Her mind may still be struggling with the idea of us, but her body has already decided, and I take comfort in that knowledge.
“Goddess,” she whispers, and I chuckle.
I’ve heard her say that before and have deduced that she’s probably referencing some kind of Earth Mother archetype, which is cute as hell, and completely suits her. I take it in a different direction though, not interested in talking theology right now.
“You are.”
She cocks her head to the side, giving me a confused look.
“You’re my goddess, Holly. A gift from the divine that I want to worship every day, however you’ll let me.”
Zander would give me such shit if he heard me talking like this, but I can’t help it. It’s the truth. I bow to her beauty, her heart, her light. She’s the sun I didn’t know I needed. My true North.
“Something recalibrated in me the first time I saw you,” I share. “I knew we were meant to be in each other’s lives, and—”
“I knew too,” she says quickly, cutting me off. “I didn’t want to believe it, though. Didn’t want—” Her voice is soft, like she’s sharing a secret. “It’s terrifying, Jake.”
“I know.” I cup her cheek, grateful that she doesn’t pull away. “But you don’t have to be afraid anymore. Not with me. Not ever.”
She nods slowly, her countenance softening.
“I… Can we…” she shakes her head, her tongue darting out to moisten her lips, and I give her space to form her thoughts.
I know this has all been a lot for her. Given her past, it may just all be too much too soon, but I’m willing to give her all the time she needs to process. All the support I can give her, even if it means stepping back a little. I hope that’s not what she wants, but if it is, I’ll give it to her.
“Anything for you,” I remind her softly.
And that’s the damn truth. No matter what it costs me, she’s my priority now. Her well-being, her health, her happiness. Her heart.
“Will you kiss me?”
Her question surprises me, but I comply immediately, cupping her face in my hands and gazing into her beautiful eyes.
“I’d love to.”
I lean in, brushing my lips to hers slowly, keenly aware that she might pull away at any moment, and wanting her to feel safe to do that if she needs to.
Again, she surprises me, leaning into my touch rather than away from it, opening her petal-soft lips for me, welcoming me in.
I follow the invitation, deepening things, and as she slips her fingers along my nape and into my hair, our gentle exploration turns to something else.
That electric sensation is back, dancing through my body, making my skin feel alive with its currents.
Holly makes a little sound of pleasure in the back of her throat as she cants her head, changing our angle, and I go with it, following her lead and then taking over again as she surrenders to me.
There’s something incredible in this kiss.
Something more than I’d imagined before. Something soul-shaking.
I don’t have to name it to know its truth. This right here? It’s heaven.
When we come up for air, all I can see is Holly. Her beautiful face inches from my own, resplendent with happiness.
“My little goddess,” I praise, running the pad of my thumb along her bottom lip. “I could kiss you all day.”
She beams at me, softening even more. “Yes, please.”
Her open consent sends a thrill through me, and as I cup the back of her neck and kiss her again, my heart soars.
That she’s open to this, inviting it even, is huge, and unlocks something in me deep in my core. Something primal and vital. The urge to protect and nurture has always been there, but it’s deeper now. More somehow. All because of this incredible woman.
My Holly.
She’s everything to me, and I want to give everything to her.
I plan to spend the rest of my life doing just that if she’ll let me. However long we have, and however long it takes.
Hell, forever isn’t even long enough, but I’ll take it.
Anything for her.