64. Hawk
“You sure about this?” Charlie asked, turning the engine off as we parked in the empty school parking lot. The sun was starting to set behind the trees across the lake, the long shadows stretching across the water like gripping claws. Having spent the vast majority of my life in SoCal, where there were basically palm trees and high rises, being in the thickly forested Minnesota woodlands was making me itchy. The area was beautiful, but everywhere I looked, I seemed to be surrounded by huge swaths of nothingness. Trees and fields as far as the eye could see.
It was creeping me out. I was used to the noise and craziness of the city. This small-town shit was like nothing I had ever known; I didn’t understand how people handled it.
“Of course I’m not sure,” I replied, unbuckling my seat belt and reaching for the door. “But I’m still doin’ it.”
“We should just get her mother.”
“How would you like me to do that, Charlie?” I asked, turning to him. “You have her number?”
“You know I could get it.”
I did. Charlie could get anything I asked him to.
But there was still something inside me that was telling me I needed to be the one to talk to Cooper. I should be the one to explain my absence for the last fifteen years and answer any questions she might have. I wasn’t sure if Wren would agree with me, but my gut was telling me this was what I should be doing.
“I got it, Chuck,” I said, exiting the vehicle. “It’ll be alright.”
Closing the door, I picked my way across the rough grass, dodging logs and stumps while heading for the water’s edge. The school had a big rack containing a number of canoes in a fenced off area, and beyond that, some sort of storage shed that was locked up tight. I looked left and right, then figured that farther from people was better, and started walking in the direction that took me farther from the school. Once I passed the shed, the grassy area narrowed, forcing me deeper into the trees as I tried to keep the lake in sight.
I had only been walking for about three minutes when I found her, her small form seated on the ground, back against a tree trunk as she stared out over the water, a pair of headphones plugged into her ears.
She looked so lost, her knees pulled up to her chest tightly, as if she was trying to make herself smaller, to go unnoticed, and I hated that.
Cooper should be as bold and outrageous as she pleased, not hiding away in the woods, morose and alone.
I approached slowly, letting myself be seen well before I reached her so I didn’t startle her. When she noticed me, I was offered another of her eye rolls, and this time, I let myself smile.
When she didn’t get up and leave, I simply sat down, settling beside her and looking out over the lake as the sun continued to sink.
I knew she was waiting me out, wanting me to be the first to speak so that she could react, but I was prepared to be patient. After about five minutes, she finally tugged the headphones out, the heavy drums and guitar piquing my interest before she thumbed her phone and killed the music.
“Did she send you?”
“No,” I replied honestly. “She actually freaked out and told me to leave before rushing off to see if you went to church.”
Cooper snorted.
“I bet Pastor Groves is gonna love that conversation,” she snarked. “He already hates me. Can’t imagine what he’ll think if he believes I’m a teenage runaway.”
“Hates you? How the hell could anyone hate you? You’re awesome.”
“You don’t even know me,” she ground out, hugging her knees even tighter, her words striking me right in the chest.
“You’re right. I don’t. But I’d like to.”
“Why now?” she asked, getting straight to the point. “You had years to come see me. To get to know me. But you didn’t.”
“Cooper,” I said, my mind whirling with all the things I wanted to say and trying to pick the one that I thought Wren would actually approve of. “I’ll be honest with you. There’s a lot of stuff that has happened since the night I met your mom.”
“The night?” she gasped, gaping at me. “I am the product of a one-night stand?”
Fuck.
“Uh, I mean...”
“Oh, my god,” she whined, picking up her phone and typing rapidly. “This is insane.”
“Listen, Cooper,” I tried again. “I want to be as honest with you as I can, but I need to talk to you about something important first.” She paused her rapid typing, looking at me with suspicion. “My life is a bit, uh, crazy. There are some things you need to know, and I promise I’ll tell you everything, but it’s going to be important that you can keep our private lives private.”
“Right,” she huffed, sounding like she didn’t believe a word I was saying.
“You might hear some stuff about me, things I did or said in the past—”
“You mean that you’re a famous rock star?”
I stared at her, dumbfounded.
“Yeah, I know all about you, Hawk Jameson, lead singer for Black Kite.”
“Okay. Wow.”
“I also know how you were married to a woman who cheated with your bass player, and the whole thing came out at the Grammys after party five years ago.”
“Cooper, I think—”
“And how you were once arrested for public intoxication and assault after punching a photographer in Las Vegas. And that you’ve been to rehab a bunch of times. And that one time, you—”
“Alright,” I cut in, stopping her as she laid out all my greatest hits. “That’s more than enough. How did you even learn all that shi—uh, stuff?”
“I googled you,” she offered with an easy shrug.
“You were able to learn all that today? Just from Google?”
“No. I’ve been googling you for years.”
Years? Now that had me pausing.
“Cooper, how long have you known that I’m your dad?”
“Almost three years,” she said plainly, and I blinked.
“Does your mom know that you’ve known for so long?”
“I didn’t want to tell her,” she said, her gaze going to the lake. “She always got sad whenever I asked her about my dad, so eventually I just stopped asking.”
I hated that. Hated that Wren and Cooper had felt any sadness because of me, but as I stared at Cooper while she stared at the lake, I was also so goddamn proud. She was such a strong kid, resilient and brave.
Like her mom.
“It was Christmas,” she continued, still not looking at me. “I was being nosy, wanting to see if I could find my presents before Mom wrapped them.” She spoke quietly, like she was lost in the memory, her mind taking her back to that moment, and I clenched my fists as I listened. “I was digging around in her closet when I found the folder. It wasn’t labeled, but it was full of papers with fancy company names on them. I wouldn’t have looked further, but when I saw Mom’s name, I got curious. So I kept reading.”
She blinked, her forehead wrinkling in pain and confusion.
“The papers were confusing, lots of words that I didn’t understand, but the one thing I kept seeing over and over was ‘the child.’ The client holds no financial responsibility for the child. The client will have no contact with the child. Over and over again. Page after page of all the things the child wouldn’t get.”
Fucking hell. My chest burned with shame, but I said nothing, wanting to make sure that Cooper said her piece.
“I didn’t understand it. Didn’t even really know what I was looking at until I got to the last page and saw that Mom had signed her name at the bottom.” Cooper took a deep breath, her ribs expanding even as she wrapped her arms around herself, like she was trying desperately to hold herself together. “Right next to yours.”
I swallowed, unsure of what to tell her. I never saw the fucking papers she was referring to, but any denial I might have offered her would only seem weak and pathetic.
There was just so much she didn’t know. So much that even Wren didn’t know, and I wasn’t sure where to even start. Sitting there, staring out at a lake painted with the setting sun, I realized I had never felt like such a complete and utter failure in my entire life.
Until Cooper spoke again, her words cutting like a knife.
“Why didn’t you want me?”