Chapter 16 #3
Several hours later, once I’m standing in my driveway, I realize my porch light is still on from last week.
The skies are dark, and I’m ready to take a shower and crawl into bed, and forget this week ever happened.
And find a new pharmacy that delivers because I don’t even want to see Craig’s face again.
Dean gets out of the van and rolls my suitcase around to me.
“So. This is it,” I say, looking at my feet. A week ago, we were strangers. Then we weren’t. And now strangers are all we’ll be again. “Good luck in Allagash.” I whisper.
“Look, Madeline,” Dean’s eyes meet mine for the first time in days.
They sparkle with something wayward, even in the darkness, even after everything.
“You’re going to be okay. Even without me.
” I want to say that I won’t, that I don’t care about anything else if he’s not here.
That I’m in love with him. That he doesn’t get it, I need him.
But I know that’s not the truth.
I’ll go on living. I’ll go on to see the other side of this.
I always do the follow through. I’m always on the up and up.
Maybe I’ll meet my prince charming with a huge penis.
Maybe I’ll fly and move to Hawaii and live on the beach and drink fancy drinks out of pineapples and coconuts and if I do, whether he’ll ever know.
“Drive safe.” I tell him.
He ducks back into the van, and I climb up my porch, lugging the suitcase behind me, as the van starts rumbling again. From the top step, I watch Dean pull out of the driveway in one swift maneuver and disappear down the road.
What am I going to do now? I can’t just go back to normal. I can’t just pretend this week never happened to me. Forget everything with Craig and the pharmacy, I was in love. I was in love. For the first time since Andy died.
And I didn’t even fight for it. I let him drive away in a busted-up minivan.
I hold my face in my hands, wondering if this was the last time I’d ever see him.
Angry at myself, I pick up a week’s worth of newspapers from the floor of the porch, fresh tears falling down my cheeks that are sore from the cold.
I’m so angry about how quickly things change, I throw all the newspapers down the steps in a flurry and turn towards the door, bonking my head on the hardwood.
I let myself in the house, and flip on the switch, and a dim yellow light illuminates a cold, dusty living room just the way I left it.
Dropping my tote bag and coat on the floor, abandoning the suitcase by the doorway, and I sit down on the sofa.
The rumble of the radiator startles me, and I kick myself for forgetting to turn the heat off while I was away.
Closing my eyes, darkness enveloping my mind, I let the events of this week really sink in. Everything leads back to him. When the sun comes up tomorrow morning, it’s him I’m going to be missing. I’m not sure how much time passes, but when I open my eyes again, it’s snowing.
A flash of light from a passing car bounces across the wall. The rumble of an engine comes closer and closer until I can hear it without straining, even sitting in my living room, and I wonder who is out this late.
I peek out the window through the thin curtains, and dusted in snow, it’s a minivan.
Dean.
I rush to the door, and peering through the decorative glass on the door, I watch him exit the truck and stand in the driveway. I don’t know how long he stands there or how long I watch him, but snow collects in his hair and on his jacket.
Finally, I build up the courage to open the door and let him see me standing there.
“What are you doing back here? It’s going to be so late by the time you get back.” I call out.
“I’m about to do something really hard for me,” He says, finally climbing the steps to my porch. “Please forgive me.”
“Huh?” I don’t understand as he comes closer, taking my cold hands into his as he makes his way up the steps. I try to pull my hands away, but he just holds them tighter.
“Madeline. Listen. I’m really sorry for this. But please just listen before saying or doing anything.”
“All right,” I stop fighting his grip and listen.
“I was never good at admitting what I need. After my dad died, I never thought I could have something like this. I’m sorry it took me until I almost left you to admit I need you.”
“I’m—”
“Let me keep going. I want you. I know I shouldn’t be asking this, but I can’t leave you, so I’m asking you to come with me,” He says, his voice shaking.
“You want me to come with you? To Allagash?” I ask.
“Yes, to Allagash. I know this is a lot.”
“How?” I sputter. “Like, come with you, come with you?”
“Yes. To move with me to Allagash. You can think about it for as long as you need.”
I don’t have to think twice. “Okay. Yes, I’ll come with you.”
“What about… What about your house?”
“I don’t care. I’m in love with you.. The house is just a place,” I say. “I can be anywhere. All I care about is that I’m with you. I’ll be with you if you let me.”
“Oh, Madeline.” Dean sweeps me into a tight embrace. “I’m in love with you too.”
Love is made for you, if you let it.