20. Summer
Chapter Twenty
Summer
M y body feels wrong. It aches in such an unfamiliar way, and there are various points where my skin throbs lightly.
The nightmare clings to me. He wasn’t there last night, so the torture persisted, and for some reason, I felt like I deserved it more than normal.
Alice’s warm body presses up against mine, and I am burning up.
When I shift, a deep ache throbs between my legs.
My eyes blink open, and I frown as the memory floods my consciousness. Max’s hands, lips, and teeth were everywhere. Every inch of skin he touched burns, and the claws of guilt slash down my spine.
What did I do? What did I do?
My phone pings on the dresser, interrupting my spiral. I haven’t checked it since I charged it, but knowing it might be one of the Morningstars, I pick it up. My stomach sinks further when I see the message.
Unknown
What is it, little fae?
The cursor blinks at me, waiting for me to reply, and I consider not doing so. I desperately want to turn it off, to let it die and never use a phone again, but I promised Farrah. Even if I got rid of it or changed the number, he’d find me, and I know it.
Summer
Leave me alone.
I know it is futile, but I live with the hope that one day it’ll stick, that he’ll listen to my wishes and leave me alone.
Unknown
You seem troubled.
I look around, not sure what I’m expecting to see, but it alarms me that the instinct I had last year, the one that told me I was being watched, is absent. I feel blind without that sense, as if my survivability is compromised.
Instead of replying, I climb out of bed and change into my yoga pants and sports bra. The run yesterday helped, and while I’m even more messed up today, there’s no reason it wouldn’t still help. Plus, it will keep me from screaming abuse at the stranger, even if he deserves it.
My lungs burn as I pull in oxygen, and my legs feel like lead, but I push on.
Not only am I feeling the effects of yesterday’s run, but also last night’s more intimate activities.
The insides of my thighs ache after being wrapped around Max so tightly.
I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the images that flash through my mind.
Unfortunately, it seems the memory will not be denied, and I clearly remember how green his eyes were, how his muscles rippled as he fought for control, how he hammered into?—
Fuck no. Stop.
I turn and start running back toward home. I’m only midway through my loop, but this isn’t clearing my head, not at all. If anything, the memories are worse than when I woke up.
Alice is still sleeping when I get home, so I quietly walk through my room to the bathroom. I emerge from my shower just as she is waking up. She blinks at me, still half-clouded by the haze of dreams.
“Sum?” she asks, her words muffled by a yawn.
“Hi,” I say, towel-drying my hair.
“What are you doing up?” she asks, rubbing her eyes .
“I went for a run.”
“Gross,” she says, and while her expression is one of disgust, her eyes shine with something akin to pride.
Alice watches me with cautious optimism as I start to braid my hair into French braids. This is the most she’s seen me care for myself in months, and I can tell she’s relieved.
“Classes today?” she asks.
I nod after a moment of hesitation. I’m not sure how I will do, being surrounded by people who know all my shit. Once again I will be the weirdo, and this time I won’t have Connor to balance me out. He was the reason people began to accept me.
Alice climbs out of bed and wraps her arms around my waist, looking at me.
“No going backwards,” she repeats the words she voiced last night.
I barely remember getting home, but not because I was drunk.
As much as I wish that were the reason, I was sober the second Max started touching me.
I don’t remember much of my run back to the house, but Alice’s words ring clear as glass through my mind.
She squeezes me, bringing me back to the present, and I nod.
“Love you,” she says, looking at me.
“Love you too.”
She watches me for a long moment, obviously deciding if I’m in a good enough place that she can leave me alone. On the worst days, she wouldn’t, not even for a second. She must see something that reassures her because she eventually pulls back and leaves my room to get dressed.
I sit on the bed, the movement drawing attention to that ache at my core again.
I wish I could pretend it is unpleasant, but it’s not, and each time pleasure trips through me, it elevates my guilt.
Alice breezes back into my room, interrupting my twisting thoughts as they spiral around my betrayal.
She’s still buttoning her shirt, but she could obviously sense that I need her.
“Ready?” she asks, something in her eyes softening.
I know it’s not what she really wants to ask, but we both know if she asks what she really wants to know, ?it’ll just make it worse.
I’m not strong enough to voice my feelings yet.
Alice grasps my hand and pulls me to my feet. “Come on. We got this.”
I exhale heavily and nod, holding on to her hand as if it is the only thing keeping me anchored to the earth.
Alice grabs a pastry and hands it to me on the way out the door.
My stomach curdles at the mere thought of food, but I pick at it as we walk across campus.
This isn’t just a lack of appetite, but pure nerves.
I am reluctant to face my peers and deal with the wrongness of being in this space without Connor.
Add to that what happened last night, and all these emotions are coalescing into a pool of deep discomfort.
Alice and I are about to step into my first class, but I stop, remembering my promise. She looks at me, confusion and concern warring on her face. “I need to go see the headmaster,” I say, squeezing her hand in reassurance.
“I’ll walk you there,” she says immediately.
“We have different classes anyway. It’s fine,” I say, shaking my head. She has been making more of an effort in her classes this year, and I don’t want her to be late.
She hesitates and pulls me away from the door as a couple of students squeeze past us.
“Please let me.” The sound of concern in her voice makes it very difficult to say no, so I relent, and we wordlessly walk to the headmaster’s office.
She stops outside his terrifying door and smiles at me. “You’re good?” she asks.
“I am,” I assure her.
She hesitates for another moment. I can tell she’s trying to decide if she should just come in with me, but there must be a part of her that knows I need to do this alone.
She pulls me into a tight hug before heading off to her class, and I can see that she’s practically forcing herself to leave me.
I take a breath before I knock on his door. He invites me in, his deep voice sending shivers down my spine.
He looks up when I close the door behind me. “Miss Tuatha De Daanan, you’ve returned,” he says, gesturing to the chair in front of him, and I sit down. He obviously wasn’t entirely convinced that I would actually show up this morning.
“Yes, sir. Or at least, I think so.” I hate how unsure I sound. My confidence may be shot, but I don’t want him to see the true extent.
“You think so?” he asks, tilting his head.
“My engagement ring?” I ask, looking past him and changing the subject. I’m not in the mood for a lecture or even a well-meaning discussion about what is best for me .
I feel his intense silver eyes on me, but then he looks away. He opens one of his desk drawers, and only then do I look at him. He pulls out the small ring, and the stones catch the light. I feel myself stop breathing as my heart shatters .
“I had it cleaned,” the headmaster says as he places it on the desk between us, the shining gold stark against the dark wood.
My hand trembles as I reach for it, and the second my fingers brush against the cool gold, a sob rips from my throat.
I cheated. I cheated on Connor. My love. My fiancé.
My fingers curl around the ring, and I cradle it against my chest. It feels heavy in my hand, weighed down by the burden of my betrayal and the sorrow of losing Connor.
I tighten my grip on the small gold circle that was supposed to be the symbol of our love.
The diamonds dig sharply into my palm as the memory of Connor and me sitting on the couch sears through my mind.
Those words dropped from his lips, and I know that if they had come from anyone else, I would have bolted for the trees.
But they came from Connor, my perfect Connor.
“Marry me,” he says.
My breath catches as his words form in the air between us.
“Miss Tuatha De Daanan?” The headmaster’s deep voice pulls me from the memory, smashing it to pieces all around me.
My stomach twists anxiously when I look up to meet his silvery gaze, and only then do I feel the tear forging a cool path down my cheek.
“You have suppressed your powers again,” he says. He’s watching me, tracking that tear, watching as it drips off my chin to land on my blouse. “You’re going to hurt someone if you continue on like this.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lie.
My power is raging within me, desperate to be used, to be channeled, to harm, to kill.
The darkness swirls in waves and crescendos, running rampant through me, though it is still trapped, smothered by my grief, by my unwillingness to bend to it. But maybe I should?.?.?.
The headmaster keeps his eyes on me, but the air shifts in his office.
Dark, delicious power slithers over my skin, and my eyes almost roll at the feel of it.
His power pulls mine to the surface, and it’s desperate to escape, but I clench my fists tighter, struggling to maintain my last shred of control.
My power surges within me, like my anger, but this is even harder to resist.
He draws back a little, and I have to resist the urge to ask him not to. I want to beg him to keep it out and allow it to continue to flow around me, but when I look at him, his eyes are dark. I know he’s trying to provoke some kind of reaction from me, but what ?
Suddenly, I’m shrouded in even more power, but this time, my own responds by exploding out of me. Every muscle in my body flexes, and the force of it rips a cry from my throat before everything goes silent. My chest heaves as I gulp down air, and there is a faint ringing in my ears.
When my eyes finally clear, I see the devastation I’ve caused.
His office is now in complete ruin. The papers that were on his desk are now confetti, fluttering through the air.
A massive hole is all that remains of the window and part of the floor.
The artifacts all hum with their own shields, but the shelves they were on were not so lucky.
They are all now burnt and broken, their pieces nothing more than ash on the floor.
The headmaster flickers in front of me as he drops his shield. The force of my power had shoved him a single step back.
Fuck.
I lurch to my feet and bolt out of what remains of his office, leaving my bag behind.
The only thing I have is the ring, the diamonds still cutting into my palm.
Running all the way home, I head straight for my room.
I am covered in cuts and soot, but I can’t bring myself to care as I crawl into my bed.
I don’t have the capacity to process that explosion while my power roils inside me, demanding to be used again.
It is taking all I have to contain it, and all I can think about is the ring.
My fingers ache as I open my hand and look at the ring.
Blood now stains the metal and stone from where the diamonds cut into my palm.
Was it always this heavy? No. Not when I deserved it, although I never truly deserved it.
Connor thought I did, and that was enough.
But now he’s dead, and I am left with this beautiful symbol of?. .?. pain.
Alice climbs into bed a while later, but I barely acknowledge her. I just continue to stare at the ring. The memories have been replaying over and over in my mind since I touched it, and with every passing second, they grow more and more painful.
“Hi,” Alice says, and I can feel her warm brown eyes on me. “The headmaster?”
“I blew up his office,” I say, my voice broken.
“Damn.” She follows my gaze to the ring, still sitting in my palm, and she brushes her fingers over it. “I know.”
“I never deserved it. I never deserved him. ”
“Shhh,” Alice soothes me, pulling me tighter against her body. I close my fingers around the ring again. “That’s not true.”
I sob. “I slept with Max.”
“Again?” Alice asks. There is surprise in her voice, but no judgment.
“No.”
“Oh,” she says, but I can’t place her tone. “I wouldn’t have judged if you had.”
“I cheated on Connor,” I say between broken sobs.
“No.” Alice cups my cheek. “No you didn’t. He’s gone.”
He’s gone.
I shake my head. “No. He’s?.?.?. He can’t be. He was so good, Alice.”
“He was, and he did what was needed.”
I shake my head. “It should have been me.”
“No,” Alice says, her voice firm. “Connor wouldn’t have allowed that.”
“He was so good,” I repeat. “And I’m?—”
“You’re you, and you are deserving,” Alice interrupts. “Connor is gone, but you are not, and it is so selfish for me to ask this of you, but?.?.?. I need to ask you to live. Beg you to live.”
I whimper, the pain somehow worse now.
“I know you don’t want to, but—” Her voice cracks. “I need you, Summer.”
“He was everything that was good about me. He and you, and now he’s gone.”
Alice shakes her head. “He’s still a part of you. You remember how it was before? He softened you to love. To affection.”
“I miss him,” I say on a soft sob.
“I know.”
I open my hand again and look down at the ring, the now-tainted ring. “She took it from me.” I shudder at the memory of seeing it on her finger, watching her admire it. “Wore it as she tortured me. Wore it as she -murdered—” The words get stuck in my throat, too awful to speak out loud.
Alice closes my hand again, looking at me. “And you are fucking reclaiming it.”