Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sadie
The summer passed quickly, as it always does, and soon we were preparing for the last party before the new school year began.
I had found myself thinking more and more about Harrison lately and realized I couldn’t enjoy the party because I was looking for him to arrive.
After dinner was served and he still hadn’t gotten there, I knew he probably wasn’t coming.
I should be happy. Relieved. Able to relax.
Instead? I was… disappointed. What the hell is wrong with me?
I stood around the edges of the party, not really interacting.
There were a ton of people there, and I didn’t think Melinda and Drake really noticed that I wasn’t giving it my all.
As long as I was there to show my support, I thought that was all that really mattered.
As soon as I could, I said my goodbyes.
But then I sat in my car for a while, unsure of what to do.
I didn’t want to go home. And I couldn’t quit thinking about Harrison.
Why hadn’t he come today? Was it because of how cold I was to him at some of the events?
I winced. He was the best man. He should feel able to come and support Drake without worrying that someone was going to treat him badly.
A small voice in my head reminded me of how badly he’d treated me.
I blew out a breath. It was years ago. I was twenty-seven years old now, a grown woman with a career I loved, loyal friends, a loving family, and more.
I had done what I’d planned on. I came back to Indigo Falls and was working at my former high school as an English teacher and cheerleading coach. It was everything I’d ever wanted.
Except Harrison wasn’t a part of it.
I leaned my head on my steering wheel. Why couldn’t I get over him?
His betrayal was the worst thing that had ever happened to me.
It had been so public, so brutal… there was no coming back from that.
So why did my heart beat faster every time I saw him?
Why did my skin tingle whenever he touched me?
“What is wrong with me?” I growled at myself.
This was ridiculous. I’d just go home and work on lesson plans for the first of the school year or something.
But as I pulled out of the parking lot, I took a left instead of a right.
And then I kept taking turns that were taking me someplace very familiar. A dangerous place.
But it felt necessary.
I got out of my car at the back of the trail that led to lookout point.
I didn’t want anyone to see my car and know I was here.
Yet another joy of living in a small town, I thought wryly.
Everyone knew what I drove and everyone would know the history of this place.
They’d remember what it meant to Harrison and me.
At least everyone I went to school with would.
So, I took off my heels and walked up the back trail.
It was much harder than the side trail I was used to, and I was a little out of breath when I finally reached the top.
My daily jog didn’t include a lot of hills.
I kicked at acorns and looked around. The leaves were still full and green.
It would be another couple of months or so before they started changing colors.
Fall was my favorite time of year. It always had been.
I had decided long ago not to let what happened affect how I felt about fall, cheering, football, the excitement surrounding a new school year, or anything related to the time of year I loved so much.
I just wished I’d been able to keep it from affecting how I felt about myself, relationships, trust, and loyalty.
I looked up at the sky as I walked closer to the lookout. It was dark, and I smiled. The sky was full of stars. It would be a good place to sit and think once I reached lookout point.
I was almost there. I rounded the corner and saw our tree.
Suddenly, I stopped. Someone was standing on the other side of the tree. I sucked in a breath as I realized it was Harrison.
He was running his fingers over the initials he’d carved into the tree before we left for college.
I didn’t let myself think about that too hard as I slowly backed away.
I didn’t want him to see me here. I had almost made my escape when I stepped on a dry twig.
The sound it made was ridiculously loud for the size it was. It sounded like a gunshot.
Harrison looked up and our eyes locked. We stared at each other for a moment. I didn’t want to acknowledge why I was here. That I had come to sit and think, to contemplate everything that had happened between us.
“Trying to make your escape?” he gave me that crooked grin, the one that had always made me feel warm all over.
I was caught. I might as well admit it. “Yeah. I didn’t think I’d find you here. Obviously.”
He looked at me. “Why would that be obvious?”
I blinked. “Um… a few reasons. You don’t live here anymore.
You weren’t at the party, so there’s not a reason for you to be in town.
And…” to my absolute horror, I felt tears welling up in my eyes.
I cleared my throat quickly and tried to cover it up, thankful it was dark.
“And this place wouldn’t mean anything to you anymore. If it ever really did to begin with.”
He looked at the ground, hands in his pockets, and was silent so long, I thought he might not say anything else to me.
Then he looked up, and the hurt and pain on his face were clear.
“Do you really think that? You think our whole relationship was a lie? That we went from eighth grade all the way through freshman year of college together, but I didn’t love you? That I was just pretending somehow?”
It was my turn to go quiet. Dozens of thoughts cycled through my brain.
“I don’t know, Harrison,” I said, finally.
“I thought I knew you better than anyone else. I felt closer to you than my parents, my sisters and brother, friends I’ve known since pre-K…
just everyone. I never in a million years would have thought you would change so drastically.
Or that you could hurt me like you did.” I walked closer without thinking.
“So, yeah. I think our entire relationship might have meant something to me that you never really felt. That our love was one-sided. To see you standing here,” I gestured to our tree, “is incredibly confusing.”
He turned back to the tree, tracing over our initials again.
“Our love was not one-sided. You meant everything to me. I still can’t believe I threw us away like I did.
Or that I treated you like you weren’t the most important person in my life.
” He stared at the tree before turning and watching me.
“I came in town for the party, but I just couldn’t bring myself to go.
I felt like I might be hurting you all over again just by being at all of these events.
And I don’t ever want to hurt you again. ” He glanced at me.
“I didn’t feel like going to see my parents. I’ve actually been wanting to come up here for a while. I thought it would hurt too much, but I think it’s helping me.” He smiled. “I can’t help but think of the good times. This place holds only good memories for me. Is it that way for you, too?”
I flushed like a teenager thinking of all the times we’d made love under that tree.
We’d had our first kiss under that tree.
We’d lost our virginity under that tree.
We’d even fallen asleep here often and had to sneak back into our houses in the early morning light before our parents realized we hadn’t come home the night before.
“Mainly,” I said softly, thinking of the one bad memory I had of lookout point.
He turned his head sharply. “Mainly? You have memories that aren’t good here?”
I could tell immediately that he was thinking I’d brought other guys to our spot after everything fell apart. “Just one.”
Somehow, we’d both ended up right at our normal spot. I sat down beside him, having to work to not cuddle into his side and lay my head on his shoulder like I’d always done. I leaned back against the tree instead, wrapping my arms around my legs and putting my head on my knees.
“Care to tell me about it?”
I looked at him from the side. “It’s sad. You sure you want to hear it?”
He nodded, looking straight ahead.
“The December I came home after fall semester sophomore year, I came up here. I sat here for hours just thinking about everything. How unfair the breakup had been, how mad I was, how hurt I was, how much I hated you.”
He winced slightly.
“But,” I sighed, “the thing that made me cry—that I couldn’t stop crying about—was that as much as I hated you, I couldn’t seem to stop loving you. I think that hurt the worst. It was like my own heart was betraying me.”
I could tell he wanted to say something, to try to comfort me, but he seemed to know there wasn’t anything he could do to make it better.
“I sat here for hours. I turned my phone off. I didn’t want anyone to find me.
I just wanted to be by myself and think everything through.
Finally, I did something that made me feel better, took one last look around, and left.
” I rubbed my hand over the bark of our tree.
“I thought I’d never come back here.” I didn’t confess that I’d come up here the night before Drake and Melinda’s engagement party.