Chapter Twenty-Seven #2
“I didn’t think I would, either,” he said.
“I came and had a day like the one you’re talking about, too.
It was after I’d broken my leg. After no one cared about me on campus anymore and my head shrank back down to normal size.
I had finally regained myself and some perspective and realized how badly I’d blown up my life.
I came up here and vowed to do better. To be a better person.
And I wanted to do anything I could to make it up to you, but I didn’t know how to do that.
” He turned his head slightly to look at me.
“That’s when I started therapy. My mom had suggested it, and I decided it was the right thing to do. ”
“And what did the therapist say you could do to make it up to me?”
“Not much. He said I could give you a true apology, accept full responsibility, and let you ask any and all questions you had about the things I’d done.
And that I had to be honest. He said I could give you a way to contact me, but that the choice would need to be yours as to whether you ever wanted to see me again or not.
Then he said I needed to leave you alone. ”
I smirked. “I guess you were coming to do all of that when you came by the house that time, and I kicked you out.”
He nodded, absentmindedly picking up acorns and throwing them over the drop off.
“I told him what happened, and he said that I had to leave you alone. That my parents were in town and if you ever wanted to find me, you could. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done, but he was right.
I’d hurt you too much. There was no way you could ever look at me without remembering every horrible thing I’d done. ”
I was quiet for a while, just listening to the soft sounds of a late summer evening.
The tree frogs were still active. I loved their soothing, distinctive song.
I could hear crickets, too, and the wind gently blowing the tall grass that bordered the maintained area of lookout point.
There was even the occasional mournful hoot of an owl.
I closed my eyes as I leaned on the tree.
I would never have thought I could feel this relaxed sitting next to Harrison and leaning on our tree.
But I was so at peace, I thought I could go to sleep.
“What was the thing you did that made you feel better?”
I slowly opened my eyes, my eyelids heavy. “What?”
“You said you did something that made you feel better before you left lookout point that day. What was it?”
I didn’t want to tell him. I shouldn’t care, but for some reason I did. I knew how long and hard he’d worked to earn the money to buy me that ring. I didn’t want to confess what I’d done.
“I stood at the edge of the lookout, leaned over the railing a little, and screamed how much I hated you, hated Aubrey, hated that whole damn college… and some more choice words. And I took off that ring you gave me for high school graduation. The one you said meant we’d be together forever.
I threw it as hard as I could and watched the sun glint off the gold as it flew through the air. ”
He looked sad. “I wondered where it went, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask why you weren’t wearing it.”
“That’s good. I would’ve given you an earful.
Anyway, it was cathartic. After I did that, I felt lighter.
Like I could leave and start over with a clean slate.
I could go to a new college where no one knew me as #SorrySadie, and I could just be me again.
After that, I started to heal. It was a long process, but I’ve come a long way. ”
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m so fucking sorry. I took the best thing in my life and broke it. I tossed real gold aside for fool’s gold.”
“What?”
“You. You’re the most beautiful, sweetest, most loyal person I know.
You’re golden. Our relationship was golden.
But I passed it all up for some fake, overly made-up jersey chaser.
She was the sparkly fool’s gold that distracted me.
I made the worst choices for a couple of years. And they’re still affecting me.”
“That makes me think of the Robert Frost poem.”
He side-eyed me. “Okay, English teacher. You act like I just know the one you’re talking about.”
“‘Nothing Gold Can Stay.’”
He nodded. “I do actually remember that one. It always makes me think of The Outsiders. You know, how they keep telling Ponyboy to ‘stay gold’?”
“Look at you pulling out a literary reference,” I laughed. “That’s great you remember that. They teach it in eighth grade now instead of ninth when we had it.”
“I always liked English. I just knew business was a more practical major for me. What with Dad having the car dealerships and all.” He picked up a few more acorns, preparing to launch them one by one over the railing of lookout point.
“But back to that quote. I see how it fits our situation. Hell, everyone even called us the golden couple.”
“And I guess that sums it up,” I said. “We burned bright and hot like gold. It couldn’t last. It was never going to last.” I stood up and brushed myself off. “Nothing gold can stay,” I murmured softly.
“You leaving?”
I nodded. “Look, don’t skip Melinda and Drake’s events because of me. I can handle this, okay? And Drake deserves to have his best friend around him during this time.”
“If you’re sure.” He stood up, too, and suddenly he was too close. I could feel the warmth of his body radiating off him. His minty breath was warm on my face. And his smell. It was the same as it had always been. Outdoorsy, salty, piney, and a hint of citrus. I breathed it in, unashamed for once.
He did the same. “You smell so good. Just like you always did.” He pushed a lock of hair behind my ear and stared into my eyes.
“Lavender and lemon,” he whispered, his eyes dropping to my lips.
He moved slightly closer, until our lips were only centimeters apart.
I felt myself starting to lean towards him, drawn in by memories and an attraction that just wouldn’t die.
The hoot of an owl in the branches above us brought me out of my trance.
I startled and stepped back. My foot landed awkwardly on a tree root, and if he hadn’t reached out and caught me around the waist, I would have fallen.
For just a minute we stood there, his big hands burning through the thin material of my dress until it felt as if he was touching me naked. Then I recovered.
“Well,” I said, extricating myself. “See you at the next shower or whatever.”
He didn’t say anything, just watched me go. When I’d made it almost to the edge of the downhill trail, he called out to me. I turned and he held up a hand in farewell.
I waved back, turned, and left him behind me.