13. Chapter 12
Chapter 12
Katherine
“ K atherine, you look insane! That dress is fucking amazing!” Maddie practically yells at me as I walk into The Sydney Siren, the bar she told me to come to tonight. It’s busier than I thought it would be, so I’m glad she came to meet me at the door.
I could have told James it was a girls’ night but there would be absolutely no fun in that. The fun was watching his face when I stepped out in this ridiculous dress and then told him I knew he’s been following my dates. Now that, I should have got a picture of. The guy looked like I’d tried to proposition him and then slapped him, it was wonderful leaving him speechless. I had been debating calling him out on it and I think my new found confidence from the way he was looking at me just pushed me over the edge.
When Maddie texted me this morning, inviting me to girls’ night with some of her friends, I had been pretty unsure. New people, new places, two of my literally least favourite things in the world. But anxiety is funny sometimes. Today was a good day and I woke up feeling like all the things I normally think are going to kill me, won't. Anxiety is a confusing mistress.
My mind wanders back to the conversation I had with my mom a couple of days ago. We talked on the phone after she’d had a difficult shift and all I had to tell her about was the shop. She asked me about friends and I could only really talk about Maddie. It made me realize since I’ve been here all I’ve done is work, read and be pissed off with James. This was meant to be my big adventure, something I’d look back on and say yeah I did that, all on my own. But it hasn’t been that, I want to meet my soulmate more than anything and I want to be able to say I did stuff on the way.
It’s a very new idea for me so I found the list I originally made months ago and added a few new things.
It’s not exactly groundbreaking and the last one is pretty out there for me but if I can tick them all off it’s definitely something I can be proud of.
“Thank you,” I tell her, squeezing her in a hug. She takes my hand and leads me over to a booth along one of the sides of the room.
The bar didn’t really look like much on the outside. But inside, it’s kinda crazy. My eyes take a minute to take it all in as I’m pulled across the space. To call it solely a bar wouldn’t be quite right. The bar itself is definitely the main focal point of the space, running along the back wall, it’s higher than the rest of the room. Tall shelves run along the wall behind it covered in different bottles of what I can only assume are fancy spirits, with fairy lights woven in-between.
There’s a few tall tables near it, mostly taken up by men who look like they would rather be anywhere else. I imagine they’re boyfriends being dragged along, or guys trying to look too cool.
Running right through the middle of the room is a dance floor, with disco balls hanging above making the floor glitter. Either side of it are booths with big round tables and plush comfy looking seats.
“Everyone, this is Katherine.” Maddie beams at the group in front of me. Thankfully, there’s only four other girls and they all smile back at me warmly, melting the last bits of worry I was holding on to about coming out tonight.
Maddie slides into one side of the booth patting the space next to her for me to do the same. “I already got you a cocktail when I went up last, thought you might need it. I know you were on the close with James today.” She hands me a pink sparkly drink that smells of bubble gum and I take a long sip from the straw, happy when the strong taste of vodka burns my throat on the way down.
“Maddie was just telling us you’re from New York, must be amazing to live there,” a girl across from the table tells me, raising her voice to be heard over the music and people. She’s just as beautiful as Maddie, with her glowing sun kissed skin and sea salt curly hair. Come to think of it, all the girls round the table are crazy beautiful, I find myself wiping my hands down my thighs. Nervous settling down in my gut again .
“Yeah it’s great, but I think you guys have got it beat,” I say smiling back at her.
My mind goes blank as I watch them all talk back and forth, pulling me into conversation as best as they can in the midst of it all. The confidence I walked in with seems to have caught a ride home without me so I take to the next best thing, liquid confidence.
The cocktail doesn’t last long once I’ve decided this. Soon, Maddie squeezes my forearm bringing me back to the room. “Want another?” she asks, lifting her own empty glass and laughing.
“Yes,” I say without hesitation, lifting myself out of the booth and holding a hand out for her to get up too. She doesn’t let go of it as we weave across the room navigating a busy bar area before finding a little space on the bar to wait to be served.
Once we reach a spot that isn’t too crowded, she turns to me, her eyes studying my face but her own looking worried. “Is everything okay? You’re really quiet.” Shit.
“Oh, yeah. I’m fine, just tired, nothing to worry about.” I’ve gotten good at fake smiles over the years, one only a very few people can see through.
I knew my anxiety still had its claws deep in me but I hoped I’d been hiding the wounds a lot better than this. I’d come to the realisation a long time ago it wouldn’t be something that wouldn’t go away. It was a part of me, part of my character, something I’d have to learn to live with rather than something I had to fight, because god, was that exhausting. I had to learn its patterns and warning signs. I had to learn ways to make it as small as possible and not add to the big ball of rubber bands collecting in my chest, waiting to snap under pressure. It worked, I learned techniques to help stop it before it got out of hand, I learned ways to calm myself.
But even as my anxiety became smaller and only a distant memory, the self-doubt and low self-esteem never did. For me, no amount of therapy helped with that, it’s just something I have to change on my own, it’s something that takes so much time because it’s something that’s so ingrained in my head.
Even looking at Maddie now, no matter how much I think we’re friends, my brain is thinking about a hundred things she might hate about me. I don’t exactly have a lot of friends back in New York and I guess I’m always scared of opening up to new people. Past experiences told me it was better to keep to myself. I was bullied a lot in middle school, for one thing or another, so eventually, I kinda lost track of the list of things people didn’t like about me. My therapist told me that played a big part in my low self-esteem and self-doubt.
“Okay, good.” The perfectly curated smile works on Maddie. She blows out a breath as the bartender comes over. “Two of your sweetest and strongest cocktails please.” The bartender winks at her as he walks away and it’s like déjà vu from my last night with Bella. Then she turns back to me as we wait. “I know it’s not easy to make friends here with everything going on, so I thought it might be nice for you to meet some of my girlfriends. I hope you don’t mind… ” Just another reason why Maddie has a soul of gold.
“Thank you, Maddie.” My smile this time reaches my eyes and even more so when she passes me my new cocktail, this time it’s yellow and orange and smells of pineapple and rum. As we start to walk back to the table something dawns on me. “Wait, did you pay for this one too? I can get my own.” I’m all for a free drink here or there but I don’t want Maddie to think she has to buy my friendship.
She waves her free hand in the air. “It’s fine, don't worry about it.” I go to protest again, getting ready to take some cash out of my bag, but she grabs my hand again before I can.
After the yellow cocktail, there was an orange cocktail, a purple one and a weird blue one. I’m well on my way to being the most unselfconscious version of myself. One of the girls, Becca, has her hand in mine thrown up in the air as we jump around the dance floor to a song I don’t really know but it feels good, it helps me feel free a little. To think I could be anything, anyone I wanted in this bar because no one really knows me here.
“Kat, you’re the best!” Becca yells in my ear as she pulls me in for a hug as she sways on her feet almost taking us both down in the process. For a bar, this place is pretty club-like, it’s midnight now and Sydney Siren could give some of the best clubs in New York a run for their money. There was even some drink throwing going on at one point.
“That guy is definitely checking you out.” She points over to the railing near the bar and she’s right, I think. My visions not quite on point right now. God, am I happy I stayed in my Nike’s before coming out, otherwise I’m sure I’d be falling over like Becca. I drop her off at the booth that some of the girls are still sitting in.
“I’m just going to get her some water,” I tell them as I make my way over to the bar, a harder feat than it was a few hours ago. There are a lot more bodies pushed on the dance floor, I’m happy for my small size so I can squeeze pass, but I don’t take my eyes off the blonde still watching me. He’s got a familiar look but so do most of the guys in this town. There’s a couple of guys who seem to be talking to him, or at him. He doesn’t look away as his lips move, I assume answering them.
He’s cute from what my eyes let me see, broad shoulders and strong arms flex as he moves off the railing. He turns to watch me walk up the stairs to the bar platform. I have to stop looking at him when I reach the stairs just to make sure I don’t fall on my face or ass. I don’t look back again, not wanting to look like a total creep. I might be here for my soulmate, but I am not opposed to some harmless flirting or making out with a guy at a bar. Hey, for all I know, he could be my soulmate.
“Can I get two bottles of water please?” I ask the girl behind the bar when she comes over to me, nodding her head before walking away.
“No big date then.” The voice comes from behind me and I don’t need to turn to know who it is. His mouth is so close to my ear so I can hear him over the noise, and I can feel his breath on my face. There is an involuntary shiver that travels down my spine.
“I never said I had one, you just assumed,” I tell James as I pay for the bottles and turn to look at him.
God, he’s so close, my breasts almost touch his chest when we’re face to face. I move slightly out of the way to let someone else get to the bar. Then I roll my eyes at his stupid gorgeous smile on his stupid beautiful face. Has he always been this beautiful?
Then I’m looking at the rest of him, looking down at his shirt. I have a sudden revelation and he watches as I work it out.
It was him.
It was him looking at me, staring at me. It was him I fucking considering making out with, I almost want to throw up at the thought.
“So, did you just happen to be here, or did you follow me here too?” The alcohol I’ve had does wonders for my ability to talk to him like I actually want to, and maybe now he’s had a drink as well, he’ll actually give me an answer.