29. Chapter 28
Chapter 28
Katherine
“ A nd then what?” Bella was the first person I thought of when I got back from the wedding. She’s been saying ‘and then what?’ for what feels like the whole conversation and my social battery is about to run out at this point.
“And then we kissed.” It comes out so fast I’m almost hoping she didn’t hear it, because seriously, what am I meant to do?
“WHAT?!” she screeches and I pull the phone away from me to try and save my poor ear drums. “You saved that for the end! You should have started with that.”
“Yeah, well…”
“Tell me everything.” God, I wish I was with her right now; we’d be sitting on my bedroom floor with a glass of wine and pizza laughing and crying about the whole thing. Like we’ve always done—like we’ve done for every crush, every school drama, every time we needed each other we’d be here in a second. Granted, in high school, it was Gatorade.
It’s not the same without her, and it makes my heart hurt.
“Nothing to say, it was a kiss.” I don't know why I'm playing it so cool with her, I know my tone gives me away before I have a chance to catch it. I guess maybe I’m just embarrassed of how much I’m screwing this whole thing up, of how my feelings have changed so much. But still, she knows even if I don’t tell her every little bit.
“Bullshit. Katherine, I’m not sure who you think I am, but I’m your best friend.”
“Yes, Bella, I am very aware.” I let out a long sigh. God, I’m exhausted, physically and mentally, and maybe a little emotionally.
I hear a scoff at the end of her line and my ability to read her hasn’t wavered since moving. I'm in for what I fear is a lecture or some truth I don’t want to hear. “That kiss meant something, and you know it.” She pauses and I hold my breath. “You like him, don’t you?”
I’m especially exhausted of this question. Because I know the answer. But I can't even admit the truth to myself let alone to Bella. Not right now, not when I’m still trying to wind my brain down from today.
My best bet is to lie, and sleep on it.
“No! That would be ridiculous, it’s obviously just some kind of physical thing. He doesn’t even believe and I don’t think he’s the kinda person who’d be my soulmate.” I know it for a fact because of the stone. But I can’t let her know I took the stone back.
Did I honestly think I liked him enough to check with my stone? Did I really think the physical feeling I’d been having towards him was really enough? Enough for me to think we could really put everything aside, that this could be anything more than it is right now? The thought makes my stomach twist and I think I might be sick, or maybe cry, I don’t know.
My heart squeezes when I think of it. When I finally find my soulmate, will I forget how I felt with him today? Will all these feelings simply disappear and I’ll forget how painful they feel right now. I’ll forget how I felt when he opened up and told me things about himself, I hope in a way I won’t, how messed up is that. That I want to remember my time spent with him even if he’s not the one.
I’ve spent all this time here thinking I’d just fall upon my soulmate or they’d just walk into the shop one day. I let myself get too close to someone I knew deep down wouldn’t be my soulmate, I’m not even sure he’d want to be mine. I let myself get attached to him and start to think of him in a way I shouldn’t have and now I know it’s not real. How sad that my heart felt like it was. Do I even know what I want, or what I need? Because for a minute tonight, it felt like I needed him, I felt safe with him in a way I haven’t in years.
I’ll think about it in years to come and probably cry at the thought.
“I don’t think that’s how it works, Katherine. I don’t think you know what kind of person is meant to be your soulmate. I think the universe decides that for you.”
The words she says makes me think I’ve just said all that out loud because they hit me harder than I think she meant. I fall down on my bed kicking my shoes off.
The silence stretches longer than I intend it to because I have no response to that at all.
“Have you answered Tommy’s email?” she asks, changing the subject to something just as confusing.
If I had gotten that email a few months ago back when I was in New York I wouldn’t have even thought twice about it. I would have been knocking on his office door in a heartbeat, but now, now I’m here and my heart and head are so confused that I’m not sure what’s the best choice any more.
I hate not knowing and I hate surprises. I hate not knowing the path I’m meant to take. I like lists and planning and knowing. I was a curious kid, always wanting answers. Never settling for a simple ‘because I said so’ from my parents or teachers. Journalism was such an easy career choice; digging for things, understanding the things that have happened, the reason people have chosen to do things.
I also know from years of therapy that it’s a side effect of my anxiety. You can’t be anxious about events if you know what's going to happen. If you know the outcome of everything happening to you. I can control the outcome if I know all the angles. The problem usually stands with the emotions that follow, and other people don’t always play along with that.
My biggest fear is and has always been making the wrong choice, I always think I’ll make the wrong decision. It’s another reason why my soulmate is so important to me, not just the legacy I feel I have to keep up or just the love I know I’ll get from that person, but because it takes the decision away from me completely. The right choice has always been made for me.
“No, I will tomorrow. Thank you again.” I try to make my voice sound as happy as I should be. She stuck her neck out for me, and I should be over the moon about it and yet something inside me feels so sad.
“Kat?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you want it to be more than a kiss?”
God, I wish I knew the answer to that.