30. Chapter 29
Chapter 29
James
“ A nd then what?” I’ve been standing waiting to walk into my bedroom for twenty minutes and my dad is acting like a teenage girl at a sleepover.
I’ve been reliving my day at the wedding with my dad since I got in, minus the kiss of course. I managed to get into the house and to my bedroom door, and then I was trapped. He’s like a dog, and worryingly, I’m the bone.
The most surprising thing about it all is that not a single one of the questions has been about Mum. Every one of them has been about Katherine.
I can’t tell if I should be worried or not.
“And then I drove her home.” I’ve managed to get my jacket, tie and shoes off during this interrogation. While being very careful with my words to not give too much away.
“Oh, son.” I can’t tell if it’s the alcohol in his system or if it’s actual concern in his eyes; I haven’t seen that in a while, normally it’s the other way around. I finally scan the living room only just registering the rest of the house.
It’s tidy.
I don’t see a single beer bottle or box of pizza. Now, I’m glad I’m leaning on my door frame or I might fall over. I think about asking him about it and then I decide against it. I don’t want to push him one way or the other. I’ve learned over the years that with him it’s best not to acknowledge these kinds of things because it’ll only last a few days. Also like if I bring it up it ends up pushing him further the other way, if that is even possible. Like if I voice it, out loud, not in my head, the universe just wants to laugh even harder at me.
“James, do you like this girl?” Yeah, that one does knock me back a little.
I blink at him like I’ve misunderstood what he’s said. “What?”
My dad’s not a tall man, I got my height from my grandad, not my parents. I passed my mum in height when I was about eleven, and then my dad when I was fourteen; I pretty much stopped looking up to him in more ways than one because I had to become the adult in the house. But the way he’s looking at me now, it’s the most fatherly look I’ve gotten in years, I feel like I’m a preteen all over again.
“Do you like her?” He’s sat back down again now, his arms crossed in a ‘don’t lie to me’ kind of way.
I guess the truth is my only option in this one, something that’s not easy for me. Not when it comes to feelings, anyway.
A long sigh leaves my month. “Yeah I do. I don’t get it at all but it doesn’t matter. She’s here for her soulmate, I’d just be a placeholder regardless.” I blink again at him, shocked at my own total honesty about it. I don’t think I’ve admitted to myself that I do like her, or how I feel about the way I know we’ll have to leave things. Do I really think that these physical feelings we clearly have towards each other are really enough for her? Are they enough for me to put aside everything I think about people like her? People who put all their faith into something I think only ruins things.
Will I ruin her? Her well laid out plans, her goal…
My hands slide into my pockets as I think about the way she looked at me tonight. Like maybe all of this could be enough for her. The way we danced together, the way our lips moulded together .
His eyes linger on my face for a minute. “And you know for a fact you’re not hers?” he questions.
I let out a dry laugh. It’s not like the idea hadn’t crossed my mind before but considering my feelings about soul stones compared to hers how could we be. Soulmates are meant to be people who are compatible, not people who almost tore each other's heads off the first time they met. “Her soulmate? I don’t think the mysterious universe wants me and her together.”
The universe hates you, the little voice in my head tells me, I’m not sure it’s wrong. How cruel of it to put this girl in front of me and yet so far away at the same time. To once again put someone in my life who’ll walk away from me in the end.
“And you’ve had a conversation with this mysterious universe, I’m assuming, because in my mind that would be the only thing that would stop my determined son from going after what he wants.” He’s right, because in any other situation, I’d be putting everything in it. Ready to prove everyone wrong but this is different, this isn’t a job or an accomplishment. Those things, I worked for them. I hold onto these things and work, and work, until I’ve made it. Prove I deserve them to people who’ve been questioning me the whole time. That's what it was like when we got to town. People talking about the drunk and his no good teen boy who moved to town. That we’d only bring down the town's vault. My dad, maybe he played right into their hands, but me, I stood tall. I worked hard and I made them eat their words.
I teach most of their kids how to surf now.
But this is Katherine.
She’s not something I can just take, or train for. People like Katherine, if I believe there's anyone else out there like her, you can’t prepare for them. You can’t be ready for the whirlwind that they are. They stir you up in ways you’ve never known, leave you questioning every belief you’ve taught yourself, and then leave again. Maybe I could work for her too, prove to her I’m worth more than what she thinks.
“She doesn’t want me.” I spit it out like the words might eat me alive if I keep them in my mouth too long. There’s so much self-pity strung through the words it feels pathetic but I can’t help but think it.
Why would she?
“And I’m also assuming you’ve had a conversation with her about this then? Or are you just taking a guess?” His eyebrows go up and I shake my head at him. “Because Kat, she’s changed you, you seem different somehow. You’ve been changing since she got here and I don’t think that's a coincidence. I can’t think of a single reason why you wouldn’t be good enough for her.”
I have nothing more to say. It’ll just be a back and forth with him, I can tell. He’s been thinking about this for longer than I thought.
“Your mum and I, we—we made a lot of mistakes,” he admits and I feel like all the air has been sucked out of the room, and knocked out of my chest too. “I made a lot of mistakes. You, all on your own, made yourself the hard working, accomplished, handsome young man you are today.”
It’s hard to tell who might cry first, me or him.
“James, tell the girl you like her.” And that’s all he says before he gets up, pats me on the shoulder, and walks off to his room.
I stand in that doorway for at least another ten minutes, staring at the spot he was sitting. Even after everything he’s been through with Mum it seems mad for him to be pushing this. My head is swimming too much for me to think about how this makes me feel about maybe having a relationship with my mum.
My father has always been a man of few words, always saving them up for important moments like these. Giving the truth, advice, you don’t want but know is right. Saying things you didn’t even know you already knew, it makes me frustrated that I can't have him like this all the time. I shake my head not wanting to speak him drinking again into the universe.
Maybe he’s right.
Maybe I’ll fall flat on my face.
Maybe it’s worth it.
The last time I had a sleepless night like this, my mum was still here.
When I couldn’t sleep, she would open the curtains in my room, the room in the house she was part of, and we’d stare out the window at the sea and I’d watch the waves until I fell asleep in her arms.
I can’t stop thinking about all the things she did. Maybe I do believe she did love me or still loves me, but I’m still not sure I can fully forgive her—at least I can’t for a while.
Given everything, that should be what’s keeping me up, seeing my mum today, but it’s not.
It’s Katherine.
I haven’t stopped thinking about her since I dropped her off at Ella’s hours ago. It’s almost 2 a.m. now and I can’t do this. I can’t sleep or really breathe until I talk to her.
Talk to her about what this means now, how she feels about it all. I need to know if it’s just me staying awake at night thinking about the way her soft skin feels against my callused fingers. Talk to her about what I meant the other night about not hating her. Talk to her about how it made me feel to see her like that, broken and falling apart and how I just wanted to scoop her up and hold her till she felt whole again. Talk to her about how fucking scared I am by these feelings and how I’ll feel when she leaves with another guy.
Will he understand her? Will he believe in the things she does? Will that make her happy?
How am I meant to leave things like this when she kissed me that way. What are we meant to do? Pretend it never happened like we did last time? I can’t do that, I could barely do that last time. Not this time, not when it’s all I can think about, consuming my brain, and my dick, too, apparently as it twitches at the thought of her on that countertop.
I need to talk to her. Not tomorrow, or the next time she’ll let me, because god knows she’ll be avoiding me for days.
Now . I have to see her now.
Sitting up from my bed, I get dressed and leave.