31. Chapter 30
Chapter 30
Katherine
A s if I thought I’d be able to sleep after a night like that, it was like something out of a movie or romance book. I touch my fingers to my lips remembering the way he kissed me only hours ago and my mind goes blank at the thought.
How am I meant to ever function again after that? It was passionate and sweet and soft and furious all at the same time and I feel my body buzz at the memory. I squeeze my thighs together as the images of him standing in between my thighs flash through my mind.
Sitting with my laptop in my lap, I stare out my French doors into the dark garden as I sit on the floor. The air is still warm even though the sun disappeared hours again, the thick air doesn’t help the tight knot in my throat.
A knot only made bigger by the soul stone now in my bed side table drawer. God, I couldn’t tell Ella I had taken it when I got back, I felt too awful about going through her room. After everything she's done for me, it feels like I’ve betrayed her.
Yet I couldn’t bring myself to actually put my necklace back on, not after tonight, I feel betrayed by it. I can’t look at it without feeling like it’s been lying to me all these years, like it was always telling me how happy it would make me, just to rip my heart out of my chest instead. So now it’s burning a hole in my drawer .
I stare at the blinking cursor on my screen, thinking about how Tommy Mitchel might very well see this blog post and it’s the mad ramblings of a confused sleepless girl but I still haven’t replied to his email or thought about what to do.
But right now, I seem to have too much to think about and this is the only thing that helps. This is the only thing, short of spilling my guts to a real person, that helps. That lets me sort my thoughts in front of me, lets me see the things that are swirling around.
When I was little, my nan used to tell me a story about a man. A man who travelled the world in search of his one true love. The woman who would make him happy like no other, someone to share his dreams and hopes with. This man sailed from country to country looking for her, but he had no luck.
She told me that one day he woke up in a country he’d forgotten the name of with a tight feeling in his chest. He was worried he was dying, so the man stepped out of the house he was staying in to find a woman all of ten feet away from him with a basket of flowers and crystals. They took one look at each other and knew.
Love at first sight.
Right there in a little village in a country he couldn’t remember the name of, he had finally found her. Nan said they fell in love instantly and that they were the first soulmates, as legend goes anyway.
I like that story, I like that two people who never would have found each other, against all odds, did. Now the likelihood of that being the real start of soul stones and soulmates is thin but it gives me hope. They didn’t have a stone helping them and yet they found each other anyway. He didn’t have an old lady in DC telling him what country to look in or a glowing stone to tell him when he had it right. He only had himself and a belief that he would find the one.
I’m not sure if I have that belief. I have it for soul stones, I’ve seen first hand the kind of love they bring together, in my nan and grandad, and in my mom and dad but I don’t know if I have that belief in myself. I don’t know if I’ll know when I find them. I don't know if I’ll trust myself to believe it might be real without that stone.
I never thought I’d wish this in a million years, it’s all I’ve ever known, but right now I kinda wish none of it existed. I wish that I could fall in love again and again and believe it was true love. Wish that I’d have to put myself back together again and feel that pain. I’ve only ever felt that once, when I lost Dad, the feeling that someone had physically ripped my heart out and stomped on it, it was the most real thing I’ve ever felt in my life.
That thought scares me.
I save the blog post and watch as it loads onto my front page. The feeling of tears rolling down my cheeks reminds me that this is all so real and not a legend or campfire story told to children about love and faith.
My heart speeds up as I hear a rustle coming from the back gate round the corner of the house.
I hear the back-gate open and then footsteps. “Shit.” The voice is quiet as I hear a low grumble like they tripped on the decking.
Then James in full view of me squinting at the light.
My heart stops and then speeds up again. I have to stop myself from just throwing myself at him and asking him to hold me.
“Katherine,” he whispers again and I don’t know when it happened or when it changed, but listening to him say my name is something different. It lights something in me. It’s like he’s singing a song just for me and it’s intoxicating. I think about all the times he said my name before and how irritated I was, how insufferable I thought he was, and now here I am practically swooning over him saying it.
“Katherine?” he says again, bringing me back to the place I actually am .
I close my laptop, lifting it off my legs and place it on the floor as I stand. “What are you doing here?” I ask, trying my best to lace it with some anger or irritation to make all this go back to how it was but I’m too happy to see him.
He just looks at me with a small smile on his face as I step out onto the porch right outside my door, he stays on the grass just in front keeping some distance between us, that I’m both happy for and sad about. “Nice pjs,” he tells me and my cheeks flush knowing I’m wearing the Taylor Swift t-shirt Nick got me and a pair of shorts. He only smiles more as my cheeks glow. God, that smile.
I try to keep my lips thin as I take a step closer to him. I'm very aware that Ella is only a few rooms over from me and I’d never hear the end of it if she saw him here like this. “What are you doing here?” I ask again, hoping to get a response this time.
His eyes linger on my lips for a second before he speaks. “I just…” He runs a hand through his hair, the curls fall all over the place and all I can think is how I want my fingers in it. “I couldn’t sleep,” is all he says. I know what he means, I know how to read the words in-between what he’s saying. It doesn’t make me understand the situation any more but at least I know he’s in the same boat as me.
“Me, either.” My arms come up and cross over my chest, like it’s the only defence I have, the only kind of barrier I have. The truth is admitting that to him makes me nervous.
It’s only then I notice I’ve made my way over to him. The porch giving me a little bit of extra height but not enough for me to be the same height as him.
The way the light hits his face only makes him more beautiful, his jaw looks even sharper and his cheek bones even higher and his blue eyes sparkle with something I’m sure is not good for me as he looks down at me .
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he tells me and I think my heart melts right there on that back porch and if not my heart, then my legs definitely do. I know deep down it’s probably just a line he tells girls but it sure does work on this girl right now.
I can’t stop thinking about him either or at least that kiss, or any of our kisses, but I can’t tell him that I can’t be that open with him because I only see it ending with me broken into pieces. “James.”
“Katherine.”
“I’m not sure what you want me to say.” My arms fall back to my sides.
He doesn’t say anything back and all words in the English language seem to leave me as he moves his hand around to the back of my neck.
“Tell me you want me to kiss you again. Tell me you want to feel my hands on your skin as much as I do. Tell me this isn’t all in my head, that it’s not totally one sided. Tell me I’ve not completely lost my mind showing up here cause it kinda feels like I have.” His face is so close to mine but I see it, he’s being honest. There’s not a hint of confidence, he’s nervous, too. I don’t know what I’m meant to do, I could tell him ‘no’ and he’d let me go and leave.
The words are at the tip of my tongue, they’re right here. I’m basically playing with my own heart. If we do this again, I know it’s not just going to be a kiss, I know it’s going to be so much harder to walk away, because we’ll have to.
Maybe just try and let life happen for a change.
Ella’s words ring in my head as I go back and forth with mine. Is this what she meant?
“I think losing your mind might be contagious.” I look over at his face. My ears ring and I can feel my heart beating in my head as he watches me. The ball is in my sweaty hands and I don’t want to drop it. “Kiss me, James.” His eyes light up before his face is too close for me to see them and his lips are on mine again and it’s like the world goes quiet around me.
It’s not like last time, it doesn’t take my brain a whole minute to click in gear. I’m ready this time. He kisses me like he’s been starved for weeks and I’m the only thing that he wants. It feels different to be wanted like that, wanted in a way that feels like a need.
His hand near my neck loses itself in my hair, pulling my head back lightly so he can kiss me deeper and his other arm wraps around my waist, basically keeping me from falling over. He’s in control here and I love it, it’s like he’s taken all the worry about me doing the wrong thing away from me. My hands go straight to his hair so desperately, wanting to know what his hands feel all the time when he’s nervous or stressed.
I stumble back pulling him closer to the doors and I can’t help but moan as he runs his tongue along my lips biting so I’ll let him in.
My brain doesn’t think as I pull apart from him and I just look at his face for a second making sure I’m not imagining it all. “What are you thinking Katherine?” he asks, his voice heavy and his lips wet, but his eyes are soft.
My lips find their way back to his as I kiss him with more urgency than I’ve ever had before. It’s easier to go back to kissing him then telling him what I’m really thinking. I want to know what it feels like to have his hands on my bare skin when we’re alone. I don’t want to think about how temporary this all is when it feels like the most solid thing in the world right now, I want to fossilise this moment to have it forever.
Finding the bottom hem of his top, my hand slides under it, pausing when they touch his skin for the first time. As if he’s reading my mind, he breaks our kiss, leaving me to mourn the loss of his lips on mine. All so he can lift his sweater and t-shirt off over his head in one swift movement.
I just look at him and a smile warms my face, the humour in the moment is not lost on me after telling myself there was nothing between the two of us, yet here we stand. I bite my lip so I don’t laugh at how past us would be so pissed right now.
“Oh, so me being shirtless is funny, Katherine?” His voice is so thick from the kissing, my laugh is instantly lost in the intensity of his eyes and how the moonlight sharpens his features. He's like a Greek god and I’m suddenly so self conscious I can hardly breathe. I’m nothing compared to him, nothing compared to the guy he actually is under all of his layers.
My layers are so mixed up and ripped, I’m not sure I know how to organise them any more. I’m so confused by the girl I am right now, how can he possibly understand it?
He grabs my hands and lays them on his chest, my fingers instantly finding the octopus tattoo tracing the tentacles that spiral around the muscles—so many muscles—on his chest. “If you don’t want to do this, Katherine, we—”
“No.” It comes out so fast I can only guess it sounds desperate and I guess in a way maybe I am. “I mean, I want to,” I say as my fingers run along the waistband of his shorts, only now noticing the bulge at the front of them. Any question over whether he wants me or not seems to answer itself.
I can feel him watching me and when I look back up at his face he doesn’t even try to look away, his eyes are so dark I should be scared of what he’s going to do next but as the warm feeling between my legs gets stronger and my breathing gets airier, I’m not scared. I’m excited to see what he’ll do.
“I think we should make this even first.” His hands go to my top, and I don’t stop him. But before he does anything, he grabs me by the waist, lifting me and carrying me back into my room, shutting the doors behind me before pushing me up against them and kissing me again. Everything after that seems to happen so fast. His hands work quick as they get me out of my top and then his hands are on my chest the same way mine are on his. I want to be able to pause the scene to take everything in, knowing this is only a one time thing.
“Katherine, you look…”
“What?” Everything in me wants me to cover my chest with my arms but he stops me before I can do that.
“The things I want to do to you.” The smile pulling on his lips is wild and untamed. When his lips find my nipple, it’s already the best feeling before he’s even got me out of my pants and I wonder if all the other times I’ve had sex, I’d been doing it wrong.
“Oh, god.” My head falls back as he swirls it with his tongue biting lightly before pulling it with his teeth.
He lifts me again and I wrap my legs around him without even thinking, I feel his hard dick rub where I desperately want him the most. My arms go around his neck and I pull at his hair while he kisses me again just so I can feel him moan into my mouth.
Turning us around, he walks to the bed and lays me down on it, never stopping his assault on my lips, my legs still locked around him. That doesn’t seem to stop him crawling on top of me, his forearms resting on either side of my head. The weight of him, even if not all of it should make me feel restricted but it lights something in me, a need I hadn’t realised I had for him.
He pulls away from me when I think we might both need to take a breath. But I don’t get a chance to catch mine when he works his way out of his pants. “I’ve wanted to do this since the first time I kissed you.”
I watch as he slides his fingers into the waistband of my shorts, looking back up at me like he’s asking permission. I nod my head at him and he pulls my shorts down, throwing them somewhere in the room. “That was two months ago?” I manage to say before he parts my legs, sliding two fingers up my slit; I let out a soft moan at the relief of him finally touching me where I want him, the idea of him thinking about me for that long confuses me and yet it makes me feel better about my thoughts of him.
He doesn’t break eye contact with me as he finally plunges them into me, moving far too slowing for my liking. “Seven weeks to be precise.”
“Oh.” My brain stalls and the only thing I can see and feel is him lowering his face and those damn long fingers moving painfully slow. I’m not sure what I should be concentrating on more, that piece of information he just dropped, or the scene in front of me right now. Why has he kept track of that? And what does that even mean!?
“Seven weeks of pure torture. Thinking about you.” Then he’s not talking any more. His lips are wrapped around my clit while his fingers finally pick up speed and I need nothing but him in between my legs. I suppose we can circle back to that other stuff later.
My hand clings to his hair pushing him closer to me if that’s humanly possible, but I can’t stop looking at him. I'm not sure why watching him causes me so much bliss, it seems to turn me on even more. When he curls his fingers hitting a spot I’m sure only I have before the room goes white and I can’t stop my head falling back on the pillow as I fall apart. I try to muffle my moans as much as possible but as I come down from my orgasm, he doesn’t stop completely until my back is flat on the bed and I’m able to look at him.
He crawls back up my body as my brain tries to reconnect with my body. “So sweet, Katherine, just how I thought my Sunshine would taste.” He rocks his hips, grinding on me as his mouth works its way along my jaw and down my neck, sucking on it, making every part of my body light up. I can’t do this, I can’t go slow and do all this foreplay. It seems like all the tension in my body from every fight I’ve had with him has nestled itself between my legs and I think if he doesn’t finally get inside of me, I’m going to melt away.
“Can you just—”
“What?” He pulls his head up from where he was kissing my breast.
“Just—” I say gesturing down to where our hips are pushing into each other, I can see on his face how much he’s restraining himself too and I don’t know why. I just want him to take me in anyway he wants.
“Words, Katherine, use them. Tell me what you want.” I stall, my mind having to catch up again, he just keeps saying things to me I’m not ready for. Things I don’t expect from him, things that make me attracted to far more than just his body. My heart picks back up again and I dont think it’s from the orgasm.
The lines are getting blurry, quicker than I can keep up with. Quicker than I can make clear again. I want to keep this just physical, I think. But when he looks at me the way he is, like I’m some magical being lying in front of him, I don’t know if that is what I want. Because when I look at him with his hair falling around his face, he is. He’s the elusive unicorn or merman. He’s magical. “Fuck me anyway you want.”
“Much better, Sunshine. Condom.” He doesn’t ask, he’s telling me. He backs off the bed finding his shorts again, I watch him as his naked body stretches and flexes as he finds his wallet, opening it and pulling one out. Seeing him like this should be strange, it should feel crazy but it isn’t. As I look over his body, every part of it, it’s like seeing a piece of artwork. The kind they keep behind a velvet rope, one I shouldn’t be this close to, one that’s going to pull me in and transport me to somewhere beautiful. He’s back again before I can wrap my mind around every thought I’m having about him.
I watch him sit on his heels as he rolls it on himself. “Just to be sure, this is a one time thing right? Just to get it out of our systems?” I want to take it back, it hasn’t even happened yet and I know my body will want him again even if my brain knows better.
“Just once,” he tells me moving back on top of me again, his face is so close to mine I can’t read it and I think that might be a good thing, I don’t want to know if he really means it or not. I’m not sure if I want him to. The pain in my chest tells me I don’t.
He lines himself up with me and rubs the tip over where I’m most sensitive, gaining a moan from me I can’t help let slip. “Tell me you want it Katherine, tell me you want me,” he whispers into my neck he’s kissing, as he lets his tip slide into me.
I’d tell him just about anything to get him to fill me but as the words leave my lips I know I’m not lying. “I want you, James.”
That’s enough for him; he thrusts the rest of him into me letting out an animal-like groan. I feel full, all over, in every way I’ve never felt before. Stretched and yet fitting him perfectly all at the same time. He doesn’t move for a minute, his breathing is heavy on top of my head and I assume he’s giving me a second to adjust.
I let out a breath now needing him to move more than anything, I circle my hip against him giving myself some relief. But he grips my hips stopping me. “You need to give me like a second.”
“If you’ve changed your mind—” I start to move away from him.
“No.” He stops me. “Katherine… you feel so good that I’m worried the minute I move, I’m going to explode like a real dickhead, and considering I’m only getting one chance at this, I’d rather that not happen.”
My heart is beating faster than I think is humanly possible, I look up at him, bring his face down to mine and I kiss him like the world around us is burning down and this is the last moment we’ll have on earth, cause that’s how it kinda feels all of a sudden .
He kisses me back harder and I feel as he starts moving his hips against me. Pulling out slowly and pushing back in fast. His muscles flex under my fingertips as he pushes into me harder and harder.
“James… oh, god.” Nothing I say is fully audible in-between our moaning and heavy breathing.
That way he groans my name and runs his hands over my body, makes me feel desired. Makes me feel brave.
I push his body over, laying him on his back with me on top of him. His dick still inside of me, and when I throw my head back rocking my hips on him at a speed I didn’t think I could muster, I somehow feel even fuller.
He reaches forward, pitching my nipple in-between his fingers, gaining another moan from me. “If I’d realised you’d look this good on top, I would have started with it.”
“Shut up,” I say laughing and I wonder when the last time was I felt free enough to laugh while being completely naked with a guy. I lean my hands onto his chest, lowering my head enough to kiss him deep, his tongue getting lost in my mouth. I try to fight him back but I’m completely lost in the feeling of my hips swirling down onto him.
I pull away from his mouth, bending my back as he grips on to my hips moving me faster and my hands fully back landing on his thighs.
The familiar sensation starts to build in my stomach and I know I’m close and from the look on his face I think he is too.
Moving forward, I place my hands on the head board, my breast inches from his face, which he takes full advantage of taking one in his mouth. God, that feels so good. He lifts his knees giving himself the right angles to buck into me at a focus that makes my eyes water in the best way.
My nipple comes out his mouth. “Does my Sunshine want to come?” he asks gripping onto my waist giving himself all the leverage to fuck me at speeds that should be killing me. Placing my forearms either side of his head, I can’t help kissing him to muffle my moans in his mouth.
“Please, James.” I’m not able to say much else as he grunts and moans into the space between our faces.
“Come for me, Sunshine, come on my cock.” I’m very happy to follow his commands. Pushing down on him even more, hitting all the right places as one of his hands travels pulling at the hair at the nape of my neck. Moving my head back so he can kiss and bite at my sweet spot.
Then the room goes white and I’m sure I’m moaning his name, who really knows considering I can’t really hear anything except for the ecstasy that rushes through my body—into my veins, clouding my brain. When I’m coming down, his thrusts get erratic and his eyes are watching every part of me. I get closer to his ear, kissing his neck.
“Come for me, James, show me how good I make you feel.” As the words leave my lips, his grip on my hips gets tighter and he moans my name as I feel him finish into the condom, his dick twitching inside me, his thrusts getting sloppy and unrhythmic.
“Shit,” we say together as we both stop moving.
Now that the pleasure, the passion and the moment is over, I’m not sure how to be with him.
I roll off of him and onto my back on the bed. Already cold, not having his hands on me. I’m too tired to even think about what this means now. I feel the weight shift on the bed, I don’t watch as he gets up and moves towards the bin in my room. A tight feeling in my chest now, one I’ve not felt before, one I don’t know how to describe.
When he comes back, he’s got his boxers back on and is holding my t-shirt for me. He lays back down on the bed and I feel like he doesn’t know what to do with himself as much as I don’t know what to do with myself.
“Well…” he says like he’s going to get up and leave but he doesn’t .
“You don’t—I mean, you can stay if you want,” I almost whisper as I lay next to him. It’s strange now it’s all over. I don't know how to touch him. I want to feel his hot skin against mine and I want to run my hands across his face while I just look at him. But I don’t know how, like if I do, he’ll burn me alive.
He lets a soft sigh out and once again I think he’s going to climb out of the bed. But as he turns towards my bedside table, he flicks the lamp off and rolls back into bed, curling an arm under my back and pulling me toward him, while he fishes around the bottom on the bed pulling the cover up over us.
My hand settles on his chest and my head seems to tuck perfectly into the crook under his chin, while his arm lifts wrapping itself around my shoulder pulling me flush to him. My breathing turns into something that would resemble normal now that I can smell him again, a normal mix of salt and sunshine.
“Night, Katherine.” He places a gentle kiss onto my forehead and my heart melts right here, the way he holds me like I’m going to float away or disappear and the way I run a lazy hand up and down his side like I’ll never get the chance to again.
“Night, James.”