Chapter 36
MIA
I’m sorry I’m not strong enough to see this through, Angel. I said I had you and I’ve let you down. Please know I don’t do this lightly. I’m making it okay with your family. I’ll tell them work called me back. Take care. S.
Tears blur my vision as I stare down at Swayze’s Post-it, reading it for the hundredth time so far and I only woke up fifteen minutes ago.
If you can call it waking up after the worst night’s sleep ever.
I’m pretty sure I slept like shit because he wasn’t wrapped around me.
Ha, I might as well get used to never sleeping again then.
When I woke in the middle of the night and didn’t find him next to me, I assumed he’d slept on the sofa, but now I wish I’d checked. But even if I was awake to see him leave, what could I have done? It’s not like I can take back what I said.
Nothing’s changed.
He’s still too perfect to be trapped with someone as broken as me.
He doesn’t deserve that.
He should be with someone who can love him with her whole heart, not just the fragments that were left behind in the wreckage.
A hammering at the door makes me jump out of my skin. What the fuck? The sun’s only just creeping over the horizon.
Barely breathing, I creep towards the front door, icy fingers crawling up my spine. What if Pete’s found out Swayze’s gone and he’s come to take another shot.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
“Mimi, open up, baby. I know you’re in there.”
Niko.
“Yeah, hurry up, I need coffee.”
Mario.
Fuck. Did Swayze text them? If he hasn’t, they’ll expect to find him here.
Oh god, I can’t talk to anyone dressed like this. I literally only just tossed my bridesmaid dress aside, swapping it with Swayze’s PD T-shirt, before putting his now very rumpled suit jacket back on.
I look like a dumpster fire.
Not unlike the state of my love life.
“Mia, don’t make me kick open the door. I know something’s going on.”
Well, fuck. Apparently, our twin-dar isn’t broken.
I open the door a crack and he takes hold, the pair of them walking in, scanning the room before narrowing their gazes on me.
God, their faces are so loud.
“Mia, what happened? Why’d Swayze leave?”
Shaking my head, I crawl back onto the bed, tucking my legs up under the T-shirt. I don’t trust myself to say a single word. If I do, I’m probably going to start wailing like a banshee.
“Given your attire, I’m guessing it wasn’t your choice?” Mario nods toward my admittedly questionable fashion choices.
Ummm, yes, but no? I wish it wasn’t the case, but Swayze leaving is entirely my fault. And I hate myself for it.
How’s that for a response?
Staying silent, I twist the hem of Swayze’s T-shirt around my finger.
“Mimi, talk to us, please.” Nick tugs my hand away, gripping it tightly.
“Nicky, it’s your first day as a married man. Please go back to Layla. I’m fine. You don’t need to be here right now.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on. Consider yourself lucky I didn’t bring Mom with me too. Am I to assume it has something to do with Pete sporting a black eye this morning?”
Uhh, what now?
“Well, funny story… no, that was me.” Mario holds his hands up with a grin. “Fucker had it coming.”
Both Nick and I stare at him slack-jawed. What? When? Why? How? I don’t think I’ve seen Mario get violent with so much as a gym bag.
“Jesus Christ, what the fuck went on between the time I said ‘I do’ and this morning?” Nick stares between the two of us.
“Yep, start talking, little cuz. I saw Swayze last night and the dude didn’t look so hot.”
Sighing, I pick up his note and give it to my brother.
“Okay, well, this clears up exactly nothing. What’s going on? Have you broken up? If he’s hurt you, Mia, I swear to god, I’ll kill him.” He crushes the note in his hand.
“No!” I quickly snatch it back, unfurling and smoothing it on the bed.
“Ooookay, she’s precious over the Post-it and she’s wearing his clothes. Mia, baby, you wanna hurry up and tell us why the guy you love, who clearly loves you, disappeared in the dead of night?”
My skin itches under Mario’s concerned gaze, his face is set in a rare serious expression.
Sighing heavily, I shrug off Swayze’s jacket, cradle it in my arms and hold it to my face, like it’s my baby. The boys shuffle impatiently in front of me.
“She’s sniffing his jacket, Nick. Fuck me, girl, you’ve got it bad. I know it’s too early for ouzo, but if you don’t start talking soon, I’m buying and you’re drinking.” Mario throws his hands up in mock exasperation, his theatrics almost making me crack a smile.
Almost.
“Mia, come on, we’re worried about you. What the hell is going on?”
Closing my eyes, I stroke the material, inhaling the woodsy scent of him while I muster up the courage to tell them.
“Okay, before you flip out, just know I was always gonna tell you the truth after the wedding.”
“What truth?” Nick growls out. “Has the fucker knocked you up? If he’s done that and run out on you, I’ll kill him. I swear to god.” Nick fists his hands at his sides, standing up to pace the room.
“What the fuck, Nick? No. Sit down, please. I can’t think when you do that.”
He runs his hand through his hair.
“Mia, I'm allowed to worry. You’re so broken, I sense it right here.” He thumps his fist to his chest, his eyes sad before sitting down with a heavy sigh. “Then what the hell happened, Mimi. You both looked so happy. I don’t understand.”
I look down at my hands twisting into the fabric of Swayze’s jacket, my eyes filling with tears.
“He deserves someone better than me.”
“Excuse me, Mia? The fuck—”
I don’t need to look at Mario to hear the shock in his voice. But he doesn’t know. Not all of it.
None of them do.
“Swayze’s perfect. He deserves someone whole, someone who isn’t this fucked up, with so much baggage, she could fill her own storage unit.”
I hiccup out a sob.
“That’s not why he left, is it?” Nick's voice is tight. Measured.
“No. That’s why I pushed him away.” I angrily swipe away at the tears that aren’t getting the memo to stay in my head.
“Mia, baby, no…” Sadness laces Mario’s tone.
Finally dragging my eyes off Swayze’s jacket, I risk looking at them, their faces set in matching concern.
“Besides, Swayze and I were never really together.”
Their jaws drop and they stare at each other for a beat before looking back at me.
“Bullshit,” they shout at the same time.
See, told you they could be brothers.
“We weren’t. It was only supposed to be a fake thing to get through this trip. Moral support so I didn’t face the toad alone.”
“Mia, we’re twins. I know you’re lying. You can’t hide things from me. You weren’t faking shit these last two weeks. I’d bet my life on it.” He crosses his arms, a stubborn set to his jaw, but his eyes look devastated.
“I might not have your weird twin voodoo, but I do have eyes, Mia. I know love when I see it. Trust me, you can’t fake the real deal. What you two have… God, I wish I had something that real in my life.” Mario shakes his head sadly, a dark curl falling onto his face.
“It was fake… but I guess somewhere between the airport and goat yoga, I forgot to pretend and started to believe our lie instead. It doesn’t matter now anyway. He’s gone.”
“Mimi, it does matter. Of course it matters. You can fix it.” Nick grabs my hand in his.
I shake my head, eyes dropping to Swayze’s jacket again.
“Mia. Do you love him?” Mario’s voice is quiet. Measured.
“No. I’m too broken to love anyone.” My voice cracks on the words I force out of my mouth.
“Love doesn’t care if you’re broken, Mia. It finds a way to seep around all those broken pieces and force you to feel it anyway.”
My eyes connect with Mario’s and I can see something bubbling under the surface. Something he’s not telling me.
“You love Nick, don’t you?” he continues.
I nod.
“You love me, I hope?” His lips tip up in a smile.
I nod again.
“You love your friends back home, right? Pinky and the rest of your band of merry men?” Mario smiles wider.
I let out a sob laugh before nodding.
“So why are you so sure you don’t love Swayze?” Nick asks quietly.
“That’s different.”
“How?”
“I don’t know. It just is, okay? I can’t love him.”
“Can’t or don’t? Those are very different words, Mimi.” Mario prods.
“Can’t.”
“Well just because you say you can’t, doesn’t mean you don’t. Baby, look at yourself right now. You’re wearing his T-shirt, white-knuckling his jacket. You haven’t let it go since we got here.” Mario covers my hand with his.
“Why are you so quick to push him away? It’s not going to make you love him any less, watching him from afar. You can hide behind the painted smiles, the jokes, and the sarcasm, but you and me, Mia, we’re the same…” he squeezes my hand in his.
“We’re showmen. We don’t want the world to see the face beneath the makeup because we’re scared it won’t love the real us.
The person who isn’t perfect every second of every day, who has baggage, or wants something they’re too scared to ask for.
So we act. We joke, we work, we carry on.
But baby, you know where you and I are different? ”
Shaking my head, I hold his gaze.
“You found your person. The man who’s seen you without your battle paint on and didn’t shy away.
Who wasn’t afraid to stand by your side and push you out of your comfort zone while simultaneously letting you lead.
He proved that time and time again on this trip.
I didn’t see a man faking love. I saw a man so head over heels for his girl that he’d go to war with the world if it meant he’d keep her safe.
I don’t even know the guy well and that slapped me right in the face. ”
Nick nods at Mario’s words.