Chapter Six
ALICEBARELYSLEPT. Every time she closed her eyes, she could see Sebastián’s face in the darkness behind her lids. The carved lines of his features harsh and fierce with desire, pleasure glowing bright in his eyes. Pleasure that she gave him. And then everything he’d given her in return...
Her body pulsed with the reminder of the passion he’d poured into her. The way he’d ripped her dress away and her underwear too, as if he couldn’t wait to get his hands on her. Then his kiss, the blinding heat of it...
Restlessly, she turned over in bed yet again, aching, unable to stop thinking, too, of the aftermath. After all of that wonder and pleasure the first words out of his mouth had been ‘I didn’t use a condom’. As if he hadn’t shared any of that wonder and ecstasy with her. As if the only thing that had mattered to him was the possibility that she might be pregnant.
Perhaps she shouldn’t have flung the truth of her miscarriage in his face, but it had felt as if he’d taken something special and precious and thrown it in the dirt. She’d felt a momentary sense of satisfaction at the look of shock on his face when she’d told him, and it had been enough to help her walk from the room with her head held high. But then that satisfaction had vanished and all she’d felt was sick guilt.
She’d showered before she’d gone to bed, even though part of her hadn’t wanted to wash away the scent of him on her skin, desperate to hold onto the physical reminders for as long as she could.
But nothing could wash away what he’d said to her and how cheap she’d felt afterwards. Or the knowledge that he’d felt that same guilt too, because she’d seen it in his eyes.
The only way forward, it seemed, was to pretend it hadn’t happened. They still had the situation with Diego to negotiate and she couldn’t afford to let something as meaningless as sex get in the way of that.
You made a terrible, terrible mistake.
Alice turned over yet again. Yes, so she had made a mistake, but it needn’t be catastrophic. If they pretended it hadn’t happened, they could move on. They didn’t have to let it get in the way of what they needed to do with Diego. It would be fine. In fact, it might even have been a good thing. Perhaps without the sexual tension in the air between them, their negotiations with Diego would go more smoothly.
It was a comforting thought, and yet still she didn’t sleep.
Eventually, when the first light of dawn showed around the edges of the curtains, she hauled herself out of bed, gritty-eyed from lack of sleep. She grabbed a white robe from the bathroom and put it on, then went out into the kitchen in search of coffee. Only to find Sebastián already up and leaning against one of the kitchen counters, sipping an espresso.
And it wasn’t until that moment that she realised it was going to be impossible to pretend the night before hadn’t happened, that all the blazing sexual tension that had always been between them didn’t exist. Because it did.
In fact, it seemed to have only increased, because seeing him standing there, dressed in a pair of worn jeans and a loose white shirt, his black hair damp from a recent shower, the shirt open at the neck to reveal the smooth brown skin of his throat... God. He was still just as gorgeous as he’d been the night before.
Now, though, it was even worse. Because now she knew what his mouth tasted like, and how hot his skin felt under her hands. That his eyes glowed bright when he was aroused and when he pushed inside her, it had felt as if he’d been made for her alone.
She didn’t know what to do or what to say. The breath had been completely ripped out of her.
Sebastián didn’t move as she met his gaze and her mouth dried, her heart once more galloping around in her chest the way it always did when he was near.
‘Good,’ he said. ‘You’re up. We need to talk.’
A little shock went through her, though she tried not to show it, resisting the urge to adjust her robe in a nervous movement. ‘About Diego, I assume?’ she asked with what she hoped was her normal cool.
‘About Diego, yes.’ He turned, put his cup down on the counter, then went over to one of the cupboards and took out another. ‘Among other things.’
Her hands clenched into fists at her sides. ‘What other things?’
Sebastián went to the stove and picked up the stove-top coffee maker, pouring some of the thick black liquid into the cup he was holding. Then he glanced at her, the look in the smoky gold of his eyes utterly unreadable. ‘Milk?’
‘I...uh...yes, please.’
He poured some milk into the cup from a small jug on the counter. ‘Sugar?’
The electricity in the air was building again, the tension making her want to tear her skin off or scream, or do something equally inappropriate.
‘What is this all about?’ she asked instead, struggling to keep her voice even. ‘And no, I don’t take sugar.’
He came over to where she stood and held out the cup, and her mouth went even drier at his nearness. She could feel his warmth, smell his delicious scent—soap and that musky, masculine spice.
Her hand trembled slightly as she reached for the cup, the way he was watching her not helping. There was something intent in his eyes, something she didn’t understand.
She took a desperate sip of the coffee, the hot, strong hit of caffeine settling her nerves a little. ‘Well?’ she asked after a moment. ‘Stop being so irritatingly mysterious and tell me what things you want to discuss.’
He folded his arms across his chest, seeming somehow even taller and broader than he had a second ago. The intensity in his eyes didn’t falter.
He seemed...changed. Not angry the way he’d been before, more as if he’d made a decision that he was very, very certain about.
Her heart began to beat even faster.
‘There is the matter of Diego, of course,’ he said. ‘But there is also the matter of you and me.’
Instantly her face heated, which was annoying in the extreme. ‘Oh?’ She hoped her voice sounded as cool as she wanted it to be. ‘Weren’t we going to pretend that didn’t happen?’
‘No. You were going to pretend it didn’t happen.’
A strange panic filled her. ‘But we both agreed that it was a mistake and we were—’
‘I’ve changed my mind.’ His eyes glinted in a way that made everything inside her contract.
‘What do you mean you’ve changed your mind?’
The sharply carved lines of his face shifted, his hard mouth almost curving, as if he knew a secret she didn’t. ‘Drink your coffee. You’re going to need it.’
The strange panic inside her began to gather momentum, though she didn’t understand what she was panicking about. He was being deliberately vague and it was as annoying as hell.
‘What are you talking about, Sebastián?’ she demanded. ‘Don’t be so bloody aggravating.’
‘I thought you’d prefer to be fully caffeinated before we have this discussion.’ His voice was mild but that glint in his eye was anything but. ‘You look like you haven’t slept a wink.’
Alice gritted her teeth, trying to hang onto what little poise she had left. ‘I slept fine,’ she said shortly. ‘Just tell me, for God’s sake.’
‘Drink your coffee.’
She wanted to refuse and perhaps throw his stupid coffee back in his face, but that would be to admit he was getting to her, and she didn’t want to do that. He already had far too much power as it was. Besides, she was also desperate for the caffeine. So she downed the small cup in one go then held it up. ‘There. I’ve had my coffee. Happy?’
His mouth curved again for reasons she couldn’t guess at. He took the cup from her hand and placed it back on the counter. ‘Emily always told me you were stubborn,’ he said. ‘That will make things...interesting.’
‘What things?’ Alice glared at him. ‘Explain, please.’
‘Very well.’ He was all calm. ‘You remember I told you yesterday that I wished to remarry, that Diego needs a mother?’
‘Yes. What’s that got to do with anything?’
He leaned back against the counter and folded his arms, his gaze very direct. ‘How would you feel about becoming my wife?’
Shock rippled through her, and it was a good thing she wasn’t still holding onto her coffee cup otherwise she would have dropped it. ‘Be your wife? What?’
‘As I said, Diego needs a mother and I need a wife. You want to keep Diego. Getting married would seem a logical solution to both our issues.’
The shock moved slowly outwards, making her stomach twist, and she was aware that beneath the shock, there was also an instinctive thrill of joy. As if being his wife was exactly what she wanted. Which it wasn’t. At all. In fact, she was horrified by the suggestion.
‘Are you insane?’ She stared at him. ‘I’m Emily’s sister. And she’s only two months dead.’
‘I realise that. We can wait six months if you prefer.’
‘You can’t be serious.’
His jaw hardened. ‘Oh, I am. Very serious. I want Diego to have a proper family and that includes a father and a mother. I would also like more children.’
Alice struggled to get hold of herself. ‘I can’t have more children. I told you that last night.’
He lifted one powerful shoulder. ‘Not biological children, no, but you can certainly have children in other ways. As you can imagine, blood ties aren’t much of a concern to me.’
Of course. He hadn’t been his father’s biological son, either, as he’d told her the day before. Interest once again flickered through her, belated questions crowding in her head, but since they were the least of her concerns right now, she ignored them.
‘You don’t need me for adoption,’ she said. ‘Or surrogacy.’
‘The children will still need a mother,’ he pointed out.
‘What about Sofia? Or another nanny?’ She’d told him earlier that Diego needed a mother, and he did, but panic was clouding her thinking.
‘A nanny they will certainly have,’ he interrupted, relentless. ‘But a nanny is not the same as a mother.’
Of course, it wasn’t.
Alice swallowed, the panicky feeling intensifying. She couldn’t marry him. It was a ludicrous idea. She barely knew him. And she was only just a widow. Why would she rush into marrying someone else so soon, especially him? She didn’t love him, and he certainly wasn’t asking because he loved her.
‘Why me?’ she demanded. ‘You could have any woman you wanted. It doesn’t have to be me.’
He didn’t even blink. ‘I don’t care much about blood ties, as I said, but you do. You’re Diego’s aunt, his only blood relative. You want to be in his life, yes?’
‘I do, but—’
‘If you and I are married, you can formally adopt him as your son. All the legal complications will be resolved. There is also one other reason it must be you.’ He paused a moment, the intense light in his eyes glowing even brighter. ‘I have no intention of divorcing you, and, since I will never be unfaithful, physical desire is vital.’
This time the shock that went through her was hot, making her face flame and her skin tighten. Making her very aware of the night before, of being in his arms, of screaming his name...
‘Yes,’ he murmured, watching her, reading every single one of her thoughts. ‘That is why it must be you, Alice. You and only you.’
Sebastián could barely stop himself from reaching for her, but he managed it. Control at this delicate stage was of the utmost importance.
He knew this would be a shock to her and she needed time to come to terms with it, to think about it.
Marrying Alice...
The solution had come to him in the middle of the night, as he’d lain alone in his bed, every part of his body aching, tormented by thoughts of her and what had happened in that library. Him, losing control. Her, reaching for him, welcoming him. The feel of her better than any fantasy.
She’d wanted to pretend it had never happened and he’d agreed that it had been a mistake. Then he’d started thinking about having to negotiate potential custody issues with her and what they were going to do about it, and how he’d manage to keep resisting the temptation of her...
It had come to him in that moment that there was an answer to all his problems. Their problems. He’d known after Emily had died that he wanted to marry again, to give Diego a loving mother at his side.
Sebastián himself hadn’t had one and, with nothing to soften Mateo’s resentment or to provide even a loving counterpoint, it had been terribly lonely and isolating. And since neither he nor Javier, his biological father, had known of their relationship to each other, because Mateo had kept it secret, he’d felt as if he’d had no one at all to whom he’d truly belonged.
No, he wanted to make sure Diego never felt like that. That he grew up never knowing how painful love was. That he would be accepted, regardless of who he was. That he belonged.
Sebastián knew his own nature all too well, that his emotions were strong and had to be ruthlessly contained and controlled. Which meant Diego would need someone who didn’t have to constantly hold themselves back and that someone would be Sebastián’s wife. That person would be Alice.
You want her for yourself...don’t use Diego as an excuse to justify it.
He was doing nothing of the kind. He knew the dangers of following his heart, of wanting things too desperately, and he kept his passions firmly confined. Yes, he’d lost control the night before, but making Alice his wife should take care of his physical desires. After all, what better solution was there? Alice was Diego’s aunt and she wanted him, had been desperate enough to take on a legal challenge to have him. She would be the best mother for him. A lioness to protect him and love him, give him the family he deserved.
Yes, marrying her was the perfect fix for all their issues. Which meant the only issue left he had to deal with was Alice herself.
It was difficult to tell what she truly thought of the idea, because while she’d certainly been outraged, her face had also been flushed, and he could tell that she’d been thinking of the night before. She hadn’t slept either—the dark circles under her eyes were proof enough of that.
Those beautiful eyes were very wide now and still full of shock and outrage. Yet not only that. The embers of the passion they’d shared last night were smouldering there too, banked coals just waiting to burst into life again.
It hadn’t eased for her as it hadn’t eased for him, either. One night would never be enough to satisfy his hunger and, after all, passion was allowed in marriage. He’d shared it with Emily, although he had to admit that what he’d experienced with Emily paled in comparison to what had happened between him and Alice.
You’d give Alice what you could never give to her sister? How is that fair?
But he wouldn’t be giving Alice anything more than physical passion, so it was completely fair. His heart would never be involved. That wasn’t what he wanted. Love was mean, it was punitive and demanding, and he was done with giving everything he had and it never being enough. Besides, Emily was gone now, and surely she’d forgive him spending physical passion with her sister. After all, she hadn’t been faithful and it was too late now anyway. He’d crossed the line already.
‘But I... I don’t even know you,’ Alice said faintly. ‘Not really.’
‘You know me. You’ve known me for five years.’
‘No, I don’t. I don’t know the first thing about you. How could I? When you basically treated me as if I had the plague the whole time you and Emily were married.’
Irritation caught at him. While he’d expected her to be reluctant, after last night he’d thought she’d be more receptive to his proposal. Emily’s and Edward’s deaths were always going to be an obstacle, but still. It wasn’t as if he and Alice were in love.
‘Are you surprised?’ he said shortly. ‘It’s not as if you welcomed me with open arms yourself.’
How can you say that? When it was you who held her at arm’s length? You were cold and distant to her for a reason.
Her chin came up, the light of battle in her eyes, making the dark circles beneath them fade and warm colour stain her cheekbones. Even having no sleep and wrapped in a white robe, her hair tangled over her shoulders, she was so beautiful she stopped his heart. ‘You’ve only got yourself to blame for that, Sebastián. I was ready to welcome you the day we first met. I couldn’t wait to meet you, even. Then you looked at me as if I were dirt.’
He shouldn’t admit to what he’d felt for her even back then. It felt wrong. A betrayal of the marriage he’d had with Emily. Yet if he wanted her to accept his proposal, he was going to have to give her the truth. He could see that now.
‘Surely,’ he said, ‘you have some idea about why that was.’
She frowned. ‘No, of course I didn’t. Why would I?’
Perhaps she hadn’t known. Perhaps she hadn’t been completely conscious of the electricity that had been between them, what had always been between them. Or maybe she had been, but she hadn’t understood what it was. Then again, could she have been that blind? Or that innocent?
Sebastián took a step closer to her. ‘I think you do, Alice. I think you know damn well.’
Her cheeks had gone a deep red and he could see her struggle with the urge to step back and away from him, to put some distance between them. Yet she didn’t move. She was a fighter, this woman. He liked that very much.
‘So, you were attracted to me.’ Her chin was held high. ‘Is that what you’re saying? That’s why you were so cold and distant? For five years?’
There was accusation in her voice and admittedly it all sounded petty and ridiculous when she said it like that. Yet...he hadn’t been able to do anything else. Not when he knew how susceptible he was to his own reckless heart.
He’d always been drawn to the stables, the gentle acceptance of the horses soothing something in his wounded soul. Mateo had forbidden him to speak to any of the stable hands, but Javier, the stable manager, had watched him and noted his easy way with the animals, and had told him he had a gift. ‘Come to the stables any time,’ Javier had told him. ‘I can teach you.’
Sebastián had been taught to ride by Mateo as soon as he could walk, but Mateo had been as harsh and exacting with him as he was with the animals. Javier had been different. He’d been gentler, kinder, intuitive and Sebastián had found him a much more knowledgeable and sympathetic teacher than his father had been.
He’d known it was wrong to talk to Javier; his father had forbidden it. But he’d been so desperate for a connection to someone, for attention that wasn’t resentment and anger, that he hadn’t been able to help himself.
Of course Mateo had found out, and when he had, he’d been furious. And he’d taken out his anger on Sebastián by telling him two secrets that he hadn’t known, flinging them in his face like knives.
Firstly, that Javier was his biological father. And secondly, that he’d killed his own mother. She’d died having him.
Then he’d rounded out his vindictive tirade by firing Javier on the spot, then accusing Sebastian of being as faithless and disloyal as his mother and his biological father.
Sebastián had had no answer to that. He’d felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest, as if Mateo had simultaneously given him something precious before taking it back in the most brutal way possible. And later, in the furious aftermath of the confrontation, watching from his bedroom window as Javier had walked away from the job he’d loved, all he’d been able to feel was the most intense sense of failure. That he’d failed his mother, that he’d failed Javier. And somehow, he’d felt as if he’d failed Mateo too.
When Mateo had died years later, he’d picked up the mantle of the dukedom, determined to make up for his failures, and marrying Emily had felt as if he was firmly putting them in the past. Yet...he’d ended up failing her, too.
He’d given her everything she asked for, attention, physical pleasure, a house in Paris... Yet it still hadn’t been enough.
You’d given your heart to Alice. You can’t deny it.
No, this wasn’t about his heart. His heart couldn’t be trusted and he wouldn’t listen to it, not again.
‘It wasn’t mere attraction,’ he said, because attraction was too tame a word for the physical hunger he felt for her. ‘It was almost obsession, Alice. And you know it. You felt it too. Or was there some other reason that you never let yourself be alone in the same room with me?’ The red in her cheeks deepened, her eyes getting darker, and he stared at her, searching her face. ‘Or were you afraid of me? Perhaps it was that? Did you think I would do something to you that you wouldn’t want?’
‘No,’ she said quickly. ‘No, of course not.’
He knew that wasn’t it already. She’d never been afraid of him, only of the electricity between them, but he wanted her to say it. ‘I couldn’t get close to you, Alice. You must have known that. And I think you couldn’t get close to me for the same reasons.’
She glanced away. The pulse at the base of her throat raced and he was close enough to feel her warmth. She smelled of lavender and sex and, though he wasn’t even touching her, he was hard. But he’d already decided one thing: the next move was hers. He’d crossed the line the night before and she’d welcomed him. But now he needed it to be her turn. If this was to work, she had to show that she wanted him every bit as badly as he wanted her.
‘I didn’t... I never...’ She stopped, her fingers fussing with the tie of her robe. Then she looked back at him, her gaze fierce. ‘I was faithful to Edward. I always have been.’
‘I wasn’t implying otherwise. And I have always been faithful to Emily. But you changed everything. You must have known that.’ He saw the admission in her eyes. It had changed for her too. ‘Say it, Alice. I want you to say it. Out loud so I can hear it.’
He took a step even closer, so there were only inches between them. She wasn’t as petite as Emily and he didn’t have to look down as far. She didn’t give off that air of fragility either, the delicacy that Emily had that he’d been so afraid of breaking. He could feel himself get even harder. Sometimes Emily had found his physical passion too much and, certainly in the last year, she’d kept putting him off. Kept telling him she had a headache, that she wasn’t ‘feeling it’, that she was too tired.
But last night Alice had put her hands on him, and she’d been so hungry. He’d almost forgotten what it was like to have a woman desperate for him and he wanted more. He needed it. He wanted a woman whose passion matched his own and the night before Alice had certainly done that. Her body had been all luscious curves and soft skin. A feast he could spend days devouring.
She stared at him for a long moment, and he could see fear in her eyes. She was afraid of admitting what she felt, afraid of admitting what she wanted.
Well, he wasn’t going to help her. She either wanted him, wanted this, or she didn’t. There was no middle ground. And he wasn’t going to force her into an admission. She had to choose it for herself.
‘Edward’s dead,’ she said. ‘It’s been two months, Sebastián. Just two months.’
‘Oh, I understand, believe me. I know all too well how many months it’s been. But if you hadn’t felt as I did, you wouldn’t have reached for me last night the way you did. You wouldn’t have kissed me back, and you certainly wouldn’t have spread your legs for me so desperately.’
Her jaw hardened, anger leaping in her eyes. ‘I would never have—’
‘They’re both dead, Alice,’ he interrupted. ‘You don’t have to pretend any more.’
Her mouth opened then shut and she swallowed. Took a breath.
Then, before he could move, she reached for him.