Spanish Marriage Solution

Chapter Eight

TWOWEEKSLATER, Alice sat in the cool of the hacienda’s courtyard, under the shade of the bougainvillea, Diego nestled in the crook of her arm. She’d just given him a feed and he’d settled down happily. He was such a good baby.

Alice felt much more comfortable with him now and it eased something in her heart just to sit here like this, in the heat of a Spanish summer with her nephew sleeping peacefully in her arms.

Pity the rest of it isn’t so peaceful.

That was an understatement.

In the two weeks since they’d got back from Madrid, Sebastián hadn’t wasted any time. He’d taken her to Seville where they’d got married in a quick register office ceremony. She’d felt uncomfortable marking the occasion in any way since it was only a purely legal affair, but had decided at the last minute to wear one of the dresses she’d bought in Madrid, a deep blue silk number that flattered her skin and her figure. She’d wondered initially what the point of wearing the dress was and then seen gold flare in Sebastián’s gaze the second he’d laid eyes on her and knew then that that had been the point.

The ceremony had been quick and before she knew it, she was Sebastián’s wife. Lucia had then cooked them a special dinner that night and they’d eaten only half of it when Sebastián finally lost patience, pushed his plate aside, pulled her up from her chair and took her to bed.

That was the only part of their relationship that seemed to function on any level. At night they explored each other, learned each other. She found out what he liked and, as it turned out, he liked everything and there was nothing about his body that was off limits to her. She gave him back the same, which he took full advantage of, learning all the things that gave her pleasure and then showing her new ways to experience it. She lived for their nights together.

During the day, though, it was a different story. He was almost a stranger to her, spending most of his time in his office or down in the stables. Mornings and evenings he reserved for Diego and she loved watching him with the baby, seeing him all patient, gentle, and caring. Protective too.

It made her hungry for him, made her want more of him, though she knew that the nights they spent together should be enough. She was almost shocked to find herself a little envious of her nephew, wishing that Sebastián were that way with her, which was ridiculous. She didn’t want him to be. He’d been very clear in Madrid that their marriage would be only a physical and legal one, no emotions would be involved, and she’d agreed to it. She couldn’t say she hadn’t known what she was getting into when she’d said yes to his proposal.

She tried to ignore the feelings though and it was easy at first, since she was busy dealing with transferring her life from Auckland to Spain. She had help from Sebastian’s staff, though she knew she was eventually going to have to go back to Auckland to deal with some of the practicalities herself. In the meantime, she’d decided to take a couple of weeks off to spend them as she’d originally planned, getting to know Diego and recovering from Edward and Emily’s sudden loss.

Sofia came out to take Diego to put him down for his afternoon nap and, afterwards, Alice sat there in the quiet, listening to the cicadas, knowing she had a mile-long to-do list and that she’d better get onto it, and yet not moving.

It was always like this after Diego was asleep and there were things to do and yet she didn’t do any of them. She couldn’t stop thinking about Sebastián. About whether this was going to be her life now, living with the stranger who was her husband, about whom she knew very little. Each of them with their separate lives and meeting only at night, in bed, where their hunger for each other remained fierce.

It seemed ridiculous that she knew his favourite sex positions, yet she didn’t know how he liked his coffee or whether he preferred movies to books, or what he’d wanted to grow up to be when he was a child.

Remind you of anything?

Alice shifted uncomfortably in her chair then leaned forward to stir her cold tea yet again. She didn’t want to be thinking of Edward right now, but she couldn’t deny the similarities. They’d stopped talking to each other in the year before he died, becoming virtual strangers to each other, and she hadn’t known how to bridge the gap she’d sensed opening up between them.

It had been lonely, and she’d been so unhappy.

And now you’re heading down the same path with Sebastián.

Yes, and if she wasn’t careful, she was going to end up having the same life and the same marriage that she’d had with Edward. Only with Sebastián it would be worse, because while she had some of him at night when they were together, she didn’t have the whole. Not that she was asking for the whole, but she’d like a lot more than what she had now.

Emily had found living in the hacienda isolating and lonely, Alice remembered, and now she knew why. Because if this was how Sebastián had treated her, no wonder she’d been lonely.

You agreed to the marriage. You knew what you were getting into.

Sadly, true. Emily had solved her issues by staying in the apartment Sebastián had bought her in Paris and then, of course, by having an affair with Edward. But then Emily had always wanted to be chased. Alice was different. She already knew no one was going to chase her and if she wanted to solve this problem, she was going to have to sort it out herself. Clearly Sebastián wasn’t going to.

Edward had never wanted to talk, he’d brushed her off every time she’d tried to discuss what was happening in their marriage. And she hadn’t pushed. She’d been afraid he’d simply decide she was too much trouble and leave.

She had that same fear with Sebastián. They didn’t love each other. Also, he’d made his position clear. He didn’t do divorce and he would never be unfaithful, and she believed him. He was very much a man of his word and had strong convictions, and she was certain he wouldn’t just up and leave if she pushed him.

Deciding that sitting around thinking about it wasn’t going to solve the issue any faster, Alice shoved her chair back and got up, making her way through the gardens to the stables.

Sebastián was with one of the mares, standing outside her stall and talking to Tomas, the stable manager. The mare had her head over the gate and was nuzzling at Sebastián’s shoulder. As Alice watched, he lifted an absent hand and gave her long nose a stroke.

Alice shivered, a prickling excitement settling down low in her belly. He was so affectionate with the horses. That was what she’d been drawn to when she’d used to come down here initially, his gentleness and kindness with them so at odds with how cold he was to her. How they would come to him as if they knew he was someone they could love and trust.

She’d never had that, she realised with a sudden lurch. Even with Edward. Emily had been his first love and even though he’d chosen Alice, she’d always wondered if he’d regretted it. If she’d merely been a poor second choice. That doubt had lingered and she’d never been able to shake it. Especially after the miscarriage, as he’d withdrawn from her even more, taking her trust in him along with it.

Of course he regretted it. Why do you think he went and had a child with your sister?

Emily had always been the first choice, the better choice. Even when Alice had been a kid, her parents had prioritised Emily’s appointments and play dates, school performances and sports days, and sometimes they forgot about hers. She could never trust that they would think of her first. She’d asked her mother once why that was, and her mother had replied that Alice could look after herself. Emily simply needed more than she did. And it was the truth. Emily always did.

Even now, though, you’re not Sebastián’s first choice.

No, but she didn’t need to be. He, at least, had been honest with her about what he could give and what he couldn’t, and, to be fair to him, he’d given her exactly what he’d promised. He’d certainly gone a long way to healing the hurt Edward had dealt to her physical and sexual confidence, so there was that. And as to more, maybe that would come in time.

What about love?

Perhaps she’d find love with someone else at some point. Or maybe this would be enough for her. Somewhere inside her something went stiff with denial at the thought, but she ignored it.

Instead, she waited until Sebastián had finished speaking with Tomas then, after the other man had left, she walked slowly over to the stall.

Sebastián eyed her, his expression guarded. ‘Alice? Did you need something?’

Her heart was beating a little too fast, though she wasn’t sure why since all he could do was refuse to talk to her and she didn’t think he’d do that.

You want more from him than a mere ‘talk’.

She ignored that thought too.

He was gorgeous today in casual jeans and a T-shirt that showed off his magnificent physique, and she found it difficult to concentrate on what she wanted to say. It seemed unfair that even after two weeks of gorging herself on him every night, she still struggled to string words together in his presence.

‘I think we need to talk,’ she finally managed.

He lifted one black brow. ‘Talk? Talk about what?’

Alice took a steadying breath and folded her arms over her thundering heart. ‘Our marriage, Sebastián.’

His expression betrayed nothing. ‘What about it?’

‘It’s just... Is this how it’s going to be from now on? You and I living completely separate lives except at night?’

He frowned. ‘I’m not sure quite what the issue is. That’s what I told you would happen, and you agreed.’

‘Yes, I did. I just didn’t realise I was expected to live here and be happy with you completely ignoring me.’

The mare nickered and nudged at his shoulder, and he reached up once more to stroke her nose. His gaze was dispassionate as he stared at her, and Alice was reminded yet again of what Emily had said about him seeming to care more for the horses than for her. Perhaps he did. Why that thought should feel so very disappointing she didn’t know.

Are you sure you don’t know? You want him to care for you and you always have.

No, she didn’t want that. Why would she? She’d already been in love with one husband who’d seemed indifferent to her and she didn’t want to fall for another. Sebastián wasn’t indifferent at least, but she knew that was all about their physical chemistry, despite what he’d said back in Madrid about it being more than that. If it had been more, he wouldn’t have distanced her, so clearly he’d been mistaken.

‘You can live somewhere else if you’d prefer,’ he said. ‘You’re not a prisoner here, Alice. You can go wherever you like.’

The inexplicable disappointment deepened into hurt. So not only did he not want to talk to her, he was also completely happy for her to leave.

He told you what to expect.

A physical marriage, that was all. And back in Madrid, on a high from the sex they’d had, she’d been fine with that. But now the reality of her situation was becoming apparent, she realised that actually she wasn’t fine with that.

But there was no point in telling him she was hurt or making a fuss about it. That was what Emily had done. Either that or running away, and she wasn’t going to do that either. Instead, she reached for her anger, because that at least made her feel strong.

‘And if I did?’ she asked shortly. ‘What would you do at night without me in your bed?’

A muscle ticced in the side of his jaw, a sure sign of his own temper rising. ‘I would survive.’

So, after the intense passion they’d shared and then insisting on a full marriage, he was now completely happy for her to move out?

The hurt inside her deepened, a knife twisting in her gut. It was so much a reminder of her marriage to Edward that it was painful. Edward might have chosen her, but he hadn’t fought for their relationship, and he hadn’t fought for her. When he’d been unhappy, he’d turned around and gone after her sister instead.

‘Okay, so you’re absolutely fine with me living somewhere else, then.’ She knew she was starting to sound shrill and yet she couldn’t help herself. ‘And you don’t apparently care whether I’m around or not. I get it. But I did think the whole point of this marriage was to create a family for Diego.’

The muscle in his jaw leapt again. ‘It is. I’m not the one threatening to live somewhere else.’

Her anger twisted hard. Did he really not understand? Perhaps he didn’t. Yet that would mean having to tell him that she was lonely. That she wanted more than this. More from him. How could she though, when she didn’t even know what more she wanted?

Then again, if she didn’t tell him, how would he know?

‘It’s isolating, Sebastián,’ she said, trying not to sound as pathetic as she feared she might. ‘And it’s lonely. I uprooted my whole life to come here and yet for the past two weeks I’ve been alone with nothing but Diego for company. Which is fine, but he’s a baby. He can’t exactly have a conversation with me.’

Something shifted in Sebastián’s eyes, a flicker of what looked like surprise, but it was gone before she could read it. ‘What do you want, then?’ he asked. ‘I’m busy during the day and you get plenty of attention at night.’

‘I’m not talking about sex,’ she snapped. ‘Some adult conversation might be nice.’

‘Fine. What do you want to talk about?’

He didn’t want to talk to her. He really couldn’t be clearer.

The needle of hurt dug deeper. Again, this felt like what had happened with her and Edward, her constantly pushing and him retreating, giving her what she wanted and yet always in ways that felt placating. It had always felt false. She hated it.

Suddenly her appetite for argument vanished, leaving her with a bone-deep emotional exhaustion that had nothing to do with lack of sleep and more to do with spending two weeks fighting grief and an intense desire for a man who apparently wanted nothing from her but sex.

‘Forget it,’ she said, abruptly turning away. ‘I’ve changed my mind.’

The air felt tight around him, as if her entering the stables had somehow tipped the oxygen right out of it. She had on one of the loose summer dresses she’d taken to wearing around the hacienda, this one in a deep golden yellow, and it made her skin look gilded, her eyes like the darkest espresso, and her hair as if there were threads of gold running through the glossy black strands.

She was so beautiful. She was also hurt and angry, and all thanks to him.

He should let her walk away, let her take that hurt and anger with her, but while he could stand her temper, he couldn’t bear to hurt her. Emily had told him the same thing about life at the hacienda being lonely and isolating, yet it hadn’t been time with him that Emily had wanted. She’d wanted to go back to the city, to shop and eat at fancy restaurants, and go out to nightclubs and parties. Oh, she’d wanted him to come with her and he’d gone a couple of times, but those things weren’t to his taste. He preferred the quiet of the countryside, spending time with the horses, going riding and hiking in the mountains, or simply sitting in the hacienda courtyard with a good book.

Alice wasn’t asking for any of the things Emily had. All she’d wanted was some conversation. It wasn’t much, and yet she couldn’t have asked for anything more dangerous. Mainly because he’d been trying to set boundaries around their marriage for the past two weeks.

He’d realised not long after they’d returned from Madrid that he was on a precipice. That the more time he spent with Alice, the closer to the edge he got and if he wasn’t careful, he was going to let his desire for her carry him straight over it.

The fantasies he’d had of being able to have her whenever he wanted and no one to stop them this time had been heady and intense, and also too much. So he’d decided that keeping himself distant during the day and only letting the leash off at night, in bed, was the answer. Made sure it all stayed about sex and nothing else.

There had to be clear boundaries. His emotions always led him astray and then he’d end up failing the people who mattered to him, the way he’d done with Mateo and Emily, and he wasn’t doing that again. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to give Alice any false expectations either.

So yes, he should let her walk away and yet he found himself reaching for her all the same, his fingers closing around her bare arm and holding on tight, stopping her from leaving. ‘Wait,’ he said in a low voice.

She halted and turned back to him, and, even though she was trying to hide it, he could see the hurt glinting in her dark eyes.

Dios.He’d been a bastard to her.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said, hating her hurt and wanting to give her the truth, because she deserved it. ‘I know what you gave up to come here and marry me, that it was a sacrifice. You did it for Diego and I appreciate that. He is the most important thing in the world to me, and knowing you will be a mother to him is the best outcome I could have hoped for.’

She stared up at him, her lush mouth losing the hardness around it, the glint of hurt in her eyes easing. Her skin was so warm beneath his fingertips, and he could feel his desire for her begin to coil like thick smoke in his veins.

‘But I’ve been deliberately putting distance between us these past two weeks, Alice,’ he went on. ‘And yes, it’s because of you.’

Surprise flickered over her face. ‘Why?’ Then the surprise faded, leaving yet more hurt behind it. ‘What did I do?’

Look at you. You failed Emily and now you’re failing Alice.

No, he wouldn’t. He couldn’t hurt her the way he’d hurt Emily. He tugged her closer. ‘You did nothing,’ he said. ‘The problem is me.’

She gave him a searching look. ‘How?’

It was going to be difficult to articulate the complicated need he had for her. The strange compulsion that had gripped him the moment he’d first seen her, that had caused him to constantly crave her presence even though he was married to her sister.

He knew it wasn’t love. He’d already experienced love and it was cruel. Love had made his mother betray her vows and caused his father’s bitter resentment. Love had made him a target for Mateo’s anger and been the reason Javier had lost his job. Love wasn’t something he’d ever wanted to give anyone else, though he’d tried to give Emily a facsimile of it and it had caused her nothing but heartache.

He couldn’t make that same mistake with Alice.

‘When you’re around I...can’t think,’ he said slowly. ‘I can’t do anything but imagine you beneath me and it’s...consuming. It interferes with everything. I told you, it’s an obsession, and there has to be some boundaries, understand? It’s easier to keep my distance.’

‘Easier for you, you mean?’

He could deny it, give her some lie and then walk away, but he couldn’t do that. It wouldn’t be fair, not to either of them. ‘Yes,’ he said bluntly.

‘So what about me? Am I supposed to...what? Just accept that I can’t even talk to you? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘Alice—’

‘How is that fair? I’m not asking for your heart on a plate, Sebastián. Only a conversation.’

His fingers tightened on her arm, frustration coiling through him. ‘It will never be just a conversation, that’s what I’m trying to tell you.’

‘So? What are you so afraid of?’

‘You,’ he said before he could stop himself. ‘I’m afraid of falling for you.’

The words crashed into the silence like stones through a window, shattering the nice little lie he’d told himself that this was all about physical obsession.

He didn’t want to fall for her. His first wife was only two months dead and he’d failed her.

Just as you failed your father. Just as you failed Javier.

And that was the truth, wasn’t it? He hadn’t been his father’s son and he hadn’t been Javier’s, even though he was Mateo’s by adoption and Javier’s by blood. He’d been nobody’s. And so nothing he’d done had ever been good enough.

It won’t be good enough for her either...

Alice pulled her arm from his grasp and took a small step back, her eyes still wide and dark. The flickering emotions in them made his breath catch.

She shook her head. ‘That’s...not... I can’t...’

‘Of course not,’ he said, so she didn’t have to explain. ‘It’s too soon after Emily’s death and now I have Diego.’

She glanced away, lifting a hand to her mouth, her fingers trembling. ‘You said it was nothing more than sex.’ Her voice was slightly hoarse. ‘That’s what you said in Madrid.’

He’d shocked her, he could see that. And it was clear that love wasn’t something she wanted either. A part of him was satisfied by that and yet another part found it...

No. He couldn’t think about that. It would lead him one step closer to the precipice and he wasn’t going to do that. ‘Yes,’ he said reluctantly, ‘I did.’

Her dark eyes came to his again. ‘So maybe...we need to find out once and for all. Maybe if we have no limits, no boundaries, we can...keep doing whatever we want until this...obsession is all gone.’

The idea had merit. In Madrid, she’d said that perhaps part of the appeal had been how forbidden each of them had been to the other, and even though he’d denied it at the time, maybe she hadn’t been wrong. In which case putting limits on his hunger would of course make her even more appealing to him.

So...perhaps if he took the limits off completely, indulged in every single one of his fantasies whenever and wherever he liked, not just at night but during the day too, that would make his own hunger less intense. It was worth considering.

Maybe if he spent time with her, if they lost themselves totally in each other, they’d discover that what this instant chemistry between them had been all along was only physical attraction and the allure of the forbidden. An illusion giving the impression of a depth that wasn’t there.

‘Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ he asked.

Slowly Alice lifted her chin. ‘I don’t want to fall for you any more than you want to fall for me, because you’re right. It’s too soon. I lost my sister and Edward, and Diego is more important than anything. How can we give him the family he needs when we’re so consumed by what we feel for each other anyway? We need to know. We need to find out. Or at least get rid of the...want. Neither of us want love, Sebastián, so perhaps it will work out.’

She was right, especially about Diego. This constant uncertainty when it came to her and what he felt wouldn’t be a good foundation on which to build the kind of family he wanted for his son. They needed to burn out their need for each other and do it without distractions, so they could then decide what their marriage would be like going forward. And with Diego front and centre.

His heartbeat was suddenly loud, desire rising inside him, relentless and all-consuming. Her, with no boundaries, no limits... They hadn’t had a honeymoon—he hadn’t thought they’d need one, but perhaps that had been a mistake. Perhaps a honeymoon was exactly what they should have, and away from the hacienda. Away from the memories of Emily and Edward and the Christmases they’d spent here. Away from the ghosts of his own marriage and his failure.

A honeymoon where there were no memories. Where they could find out what their marriage looked like in a place that was theirs and only theirs.

‘If you could go anywhere in the world,’ he asked abruptly, ‘where would you go?’

Alice blinked. ‘What? What’s that got to do with anything?’

‘We didn’t have a honeymoon and I think that was a mistake.’

She gave him a wary look. ‘So, you’re saying we should have one?’

‘Yes. Away from the hacienda and the memories here. Away from everything. If we know what we don’t want, then we can decide what we do.’

She nodded slowly. ‘Okay. But we do it together. You don’t make decisions like putting distance between us for me and I don’t make them for you.’

That was fair. He should have said something to her about that, he should have been clearer.

Already you’re failing.

No, no, he wouldn’t, not this time. Not with her.

‘So,’ he said, allowing the need that was strangling him to deepen his voice. ‘In the interests of making decisions together, tell me where you want to go.’

Something lit slowly in her eyes and he felt warmth settle just behind his breastbone in response. It had been a long time since he’d put that light in anyone’s eyes, in fact the last time had been when he’d bought Emily her Paris apartment. Then there had been a bitterness in him at the gift, because what he’d actually been giving her was his absence, and that was what had made her look so pleased. Not with Alice though. A honeymoon meant time spent in each other’s presence and it was clear that was exactly what she wanted.

She wanted to spend time with him.

Her mouth curved and the warmth deepened. This was the first time he’d made her smile. ‘Okay, well, I like sun and I like swimming. Nice food obviously. I also love beaches and being on the ocean.’

Good. He liked all of those things too. ‘No sightseeing?’

‘I don’t know if that’s the point of this, is it?’

No, it wasn’t. The point was seeing each other, not other things.

‘Fine. Will you leave the decision to me?’

She tilted her head slightly, her mouth curving even more. ‘I like how you’re not really giving me the option.’

There was a teasing note in her voice, only slight, but it was there, and it made the warmth spread through him, thawing parts of him that had been frozen for a long time. Perhaps even since his father had made it very clear just how wide the gap between them was and how it was up to him to bridge it. He wasn’t actually Mateo’s son after all, so he had to be the one to do the work.

And suddenly he couldn’t stand the distance between them. If there were no limits and no boundaries, if they were going to test what this thing actually was between them, then he didn’t have to fight any of his urges. In fact, it was better if he actively indulged them.

So he crossed the space separating them and pulled her into his arms. ‘Do you want the option?’

‘No,’ she said without hesitation, her palms coming to rest on his chest. ‘In fact, you can arrange everything if you like.’

The warmth was changing now, becoming the kind of heat it always did whenever he was touching her, whenever he was even near her. A fire, a blaze, all-consuming, devastating.

‘Good,’ he said. ‘And this honeymoon? It starts now.’

Then he bent his head and took her mouth like a man starving.