Spanish Marriage Solution

Chapter Ten

ALICEWALKEDSLOWLY over pristine white sand still warm from the heat of the day, her hand held securely in Sebastián’s as he walked beside her. They’d taken to having evening strolls along the beach to watch the sunset, sometimes talking idly about their day, sometimes not speaking at all and just enjoying each other’s company.

It was peaceful and usually she relished this time with him. But tonight was their last night on the island. Tomorrow they’d be returning to Spain, and she couldn’t shake the tension that coiled inside her.

All this would be ending and she didn’t want to think about how it would be between them once they returned to the hacienda. Back to her life as Sebastián’s wife in every way, except one.

Abruptly, he came to a stop and let go of her hand, bending to pick something up off the sand. ‘For you, mi cielo,’ he murmured and held it out to her.

It was a shell, polished by the sea and the sand, gleaming in the light of the setting sun, its smooth white surface stained pink and gold and red.

‘Oh,’ she breathed, taking it from him and turning it over in her palm to examine it. ‘It’s beautiful.’

He smiled, genuine and warm, his eyes full of the familiar heat that always stole her breath clean away. ‘Yes,’ he said, ‘it is.’

But he wasn’t looking at the shell. He was looking at her.

Her heart ached in her chest and her throat closed. She’d never get enough of the compliments he gave her, never. And when he gave them, she always felt as beautiful as he told her she was. For the first time in years.

Will he say those things to you back in Spain, too? Will he still look at you the way he’s doing now? Or will that heat in his eyes grow colder? Will he stop looking at you at all...?

Alice tore her gaze from his, directing it out over the ocean instead, the agonising pressure of all that love in her heart like a weight, crushing her.

It had become even worse after that day on the beach when he’d told her about his father and the terrible things he’d said to Sebastián. How he’d made a lonely little boy feel as if he’d failed. She’d hurt for him so much. She knew what it was like to believe that you weren’t enough, to feel as if you’d disappointed people.

It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t right, and she’d wanted more than anything to help him understand that he hadn’t deserved it and that nothing he did was a failure. That he couldn’t blame himself for his mother’s death or his father’s inability to accept him.

He hadn’t brought up the subject again, so perhaps she hadn’t succeeded.

‘If I didn’t know any better,’ she said with forced lightness, shoving the drag of grief away, ‘I’d say you were a romantic, Sebastián Castellano.’

He didn’t seem to notice the effort in her tone, his fingers threading through hers and drawing her close with gentle insistence. ‘Apparently, there are many things you don’t know about me.’ He leaned forward to brush his mouth over hers. ‘Perhaps a few lessons will be in order.’

The ache inside her intensified. She’d love to know more about him and not just the pain of his childhood, but about the things that brought him joy. That made him happy. That made him laugh. She wanted to know everything.

‘And perhaps I might even like that.’ She leaned into his warmth, trying to concentrate only on this moment with him and not on the fact that they’d be leaving the next day. ‘I’d very much like you to teach me to ride, too.’

‘Of course.’ He stroked his thumb over her knuckles, a wicked glint in his eyes. ‘Though you don’t appear to need much teaching. You have a natural talent for it.’

Despite the ache and the tension clutched around her heart, she couldn’t help smiling. ‘That’s the most blatant double entendre I’ve ever heard.’

‘I could be more blatant if you like.’ The wickedness in his eyes gleamed brighter, hotter, his mouth curving. ‘I could even give you your first lesson here and now.’

She wanted to. Wanted to lie down with him on the hot sand and let his touch take away the knowledge of their impending departure, if only for a brief time. Wanted to keep teasing him, keep flirting with him, since being able to was new and special, and she liked it. But that would only make things worse. Deepen her longing for what she couldn’t have, what he’d already told her he would never give her, and quite frankly she wasn’t that much of a masochist.

‘Hold that thought,’ she whispered, going up on her toes to give him a quick kiss back in promise. ‘For when we have a mattress instead of sand.’

‘That didn’t seem to bother you yesterday.’

She leaned against him, her hand on his broad chest, feeling the strong beat of his heart, relishing this peaceful moment. ‘Maybe I just like saying no to you.’

Amusement lit his eyes. ‘You have a natural talent for that too.’

Her chest tightened even further. She liked him teasing her in return and she couldn’t resist responding to it, spreading her fingers wide to feel the heat of him through his T-shirt and the hard band of muscle beneath the fabric. ‘And you like it.’

He laughed, the sound travelling through her like sunlight, turning her knees weak with want. And he lifted his free hand to push a lock of hair the wind had blown over her face behind her ear. ‘I do, my lovely wife. God help me, but I do.’

Looking up into his beautiful face she almost said it, almost let slip what was in her heart. But at the last moment she bit it back. She wasn’t going to ruin this night by giving him a truth he didn’t want to hear, no matter how desperately she wanted to tell him how she felt.

Instead, she went up on her toes and brushed his mouth with hers. ‘Good,’ she whispered. ‘Because I do too.’

Later, on the rooftop terrace of the villa, her hands on the pale stone of the parapet, Alice watched the rest of the sunset flaming over the ocean. The air was still warm and scented with salt and jasmine, and the turquoise of the lagoon looked as if it had been turned to flame by the setting sun, all reds and pinks and golds.

She should be enjoying the spectacle, but the ache in her chest that had begun during their evening walk had settled in. She was so tired of it. For the past few days she’d managed to push the fact that they were leaving aside, trying to exist only in the here and now, because the here and now was so wonderful. Yet as the hour of their departure loomed, she couldn’t fight the pull of grief. And not, this time, for her sister or Edward, or even the baby she’d lost.

It was grief for the present that she was losing. Him, available whenever she wanted him. Ready to touch her, talk to her, hold her. Walk beside her along the sand and give her seashells. Show her some new delight in the rock pools near the beach or at her side as they snorkelled in the lagoon. His thoughtful, incisive conversation as they discussed politics and the state of the world, books and movies and everything in between over dinner. His strong arms holding her when the grief hit as it sometimes did, letting her know that she wasn’t alone, that he was right there beside her.

And grief for the future that she wanted so badly and would never have.

Somehow her heart had known the moment she laid eyes on him that he was perfect for her in every way, and he was. A true soulmate. Except for the fact that he didn’t feel the same way. He’d been very clear about that.

And it hurt, the thought of leaving here, of going back to their life and the reality of their marriage. He’d told her that day on the beach, when she was in his arms, that their connection was deep and emotional, that her happiness was important to him, and she’d tried to tell herself that that was enough.

But it wasn’t. They’d promised to be honest with each other and yet she was terrified of telling him her deepest truth: that she was madly, passionately in love with him. Which was the one thing he didn’t want. Telling him would change things between them irrevocably, because once that secret was out, she could never take it back. How it would change things, she didn’t know, but she was very sure it wouldn’t be for the good.

Besides, he might distance her and she’d already had that once before, and she’d hated it. She couldn’t go back to it, especially now, after having these past two weeks with him. It would be like going from having everything to having nothing at all.

Still, she was tired of holding onto her secret. Tired of pretending she didn’t feel it.

A footstep came from beside her and Sebastián was there, putting down a flute of champagne. He’d gone to open a bottle so they could toast their last night here.

She glanced at him and, as it always did, her breath caught. He was as gorgeous as ever in a loose white shirt and black trousers. His black hair looked as if there were threads of amber in it from the light of the setting sun, his eyes molten gold.

Her heart clenched and reflexively she looked away in case her heart was in her eyes.

‘So,’ Sebastián said. ‘To our last night?’

Alice took a silent breath then reached for her flute and forced herself to meet his gaze. ‘Our last night,’ she echoed, her voice huskier than she wanted it to be, and raised her glass.

He toasted her, the glasses making a soft chiming sound as they knocked together.

She took a larger gulp of champagne than was probably wise, trying to moisten her dry throat and control the intensity of her emotions that suddenly felt choking. She wanted to leave right now, get this over and done with so she could get on with trying to figure out how to be in a marriage where she was desperately in love with her husband, while he wanted no part of that love.

‘Something’s wrong,’ Sebastián said after a moment, watching her. ‘What is it?’

Alice took another gulp of champagne, trying to resist the urge to drain her glass completely. ‘Nothing.’ She tore her gaze from his and stared out at the sunset. ‘Sad to go home, I suppose.’

Sebastián was silent a moment. Then she felt his finger beneath her chin as he turned her face relentlessly towards him. The deep gold of his eyes held hers. ‘It’s more than sadness, Alice. What is it? Are you having doubts?’

His gaze was difficult to hold and she was desperate to pull away. But he’d know something was definitely wrong if she did, so she stayed where she was. ‘I suppose so. Is it going to be like this when we get back home? I mean, are we going to be together like we are here back in Spain? Or are you going to put me at a distance again?’

His black brows drew down. ‘No, of course I’m not going to distance you. We both decided that wasn’t a good idea. The whole point of this honeymoon was to decide what kind of relationship we did want.’

‘So what did we eventually decide?’ She was sounding demanding and she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to let her doubt ruin their last evening, and yet she couldn’t help it. ‘I don’t think we actually discussed it.’

‘It’s going to look like this,’ Sebastian said. ‘Like what we have here.’

‘And what is that?’ She was getting shrill now, and she hated that too.

Remind you of something?

No, it wasn’t the same as her marriage to Edward. With Sebastián it would be different. He talked to her at least and he definitely wanted her. He cared for her too, that was clear. He said he would do anything to make her happy...

Anything except love you.

She could cope with that. She would have to. He’d promised her everything else so why make a drama out of it? She wasn’t her sister to weep and pout if she didn’t get what she wanted.

But you want more and it matters.

She hadn’t thought it would, but now... Her heart twisted. Would her marriage turn into the kind of marriage she’d had with Edward? Where there was doubt and lack of communication, and one-sided uninterest?

‘Isn’t it obvious?’ A thread of tension had entered Sebastián’s voice. ‘We have passion, mutual respect, interest in each other, and caring. You’re important to me, Alice, you know this. I told you this. I want to make you happy. It won’t be the same as before.’

She should say it was okay, that that was enough. She wanted to smile and kiss him, and make their last night a night to remember. To not ruin it by making a big song and dance about their relationship, or by pushing him into something he didn’t want to give. Yet she had promised him honesty.

‘I know,’ she said, her voice husky. ‘We do have all those things.’

His gaze turned sharp, scanning her face. ‘But that’s not enough, is it?’

She swallowed, her throat aching. He was too close, his scent around her, the warmth of his body a fire she wanted to warm herself against. He had become so familiar to her, so necessary...

Don’t be a coward. Tell him no, it’s not enough, that you want more. Tell him that what you want is his heart.

That terrified her. Every time she’d asked, she’d been refused or rejected, or simply ignored. Her parents had always prioritised Emily, and Edward had simply refused to engage. Why should Sebastián be any different?

Yet... He’d spent two weeks taking care of her, giving her pleasure, holding her when she cried and giving her little pieces of himself. He’d told her she was important to him, and he’d made her feel it too.

He was important to her. He was everything to her. She had to be honest with him. She had to. And she couldn’t pretend that she was okay the way she had with Edward, the way she had with Emily and with her parents. Pretend that he didn’t matter to her and that she didn’t feel anything for him. Pretending was all she’d been doing for years and, yes, she was tired of it.

She didn’t want to do it any more and maybe the time had come to stop.

They could have more than this if only she had the courage to ask for it.

Alice pulled away from him and took a couple of steps, putting some physical distance between them.

He frowned in puzzlement, his beautiful face lit by the setting sun, turning his hair glossy, gilding him with amber.

Her heart beat hard against her ribs. She couldn’t not say it. She owed it to him and to herself. ‘No, Sebastián,’ she said. ‘No, it isn’t.’

He didn’t move and yet his whole posture tensed, his face hardening. ‘What more do you want?’

It was too late to back down now. She’d said the first words and now she had to say the rest of them.

Alice swallowed and lifted her chin. ‘I know back in Spain I said that I didn’t want love, but... I lied. I lied, Sebastián. Because that’s when I realised I was in love with you.’

Something bright and intense leapt in his eyes, then it was gone. His expression hardened even more, becoming set. ‘Alice. That’s not what we agreed on.’

Of course he wouldn’t want this. She’d known that already, but his response was proof. The small, precious hope she’d been nurturing for longer than she could remember shrivelled up and died. It was strangely freeing.

He didn’t want this. He didn’t want her. Which meant she could say anything she liked to him without fear of upsetting the delicate balance between them. Because it wasn’t just upset, it had been destroyed.

‘I know,’ she said and lifted a shoulder. ‘But it happened anyway.’

He stared at her, his mouth a hard line. ‘This changes things. This changes everything.’

‘Really?’ Anger was starting to rise up inside her and she let it. ‘And how, exactly, does it change things?’

He took an abrupt step forward. ‘You know I can’t hold you to our marriage now, don’t you? You know I can’t keep you.’

‘Why?’ Her anger leapt higher. ‘Why does it make any difference at all?’

‘Because I don’t want love, Alice. In fact, I specifically said that our marriage would not feature love in any way.’

‘So?’ she flung back. ‘That sounds like a you problem, Sebastián. And it certainly doesn’t mean I can’t love you.’

‘So for how long?’ he demanded, his own temper glittering in his eyes now. ‘How long will this last if love is any part of it? You’ll get tired of it. You’ll get tired of me withholding something from you that you want. Then you’ll stop wanting our marriage and you’ll go behind my back with someone else.’

Hurt knifed through her. ‘No,’ she said furiously. ‘That’s not going to happen. How dare you think that I’d ever do something like that?’

‘I thought Emily wouldn’t, but she did,’ he said flatly. ‘Because I couldn’t give her what I can’t give you.’

‘Couldn’t or wouldn’t, Sebastian?’ She took a step towards him too, staring up into his furious amber gaze. ‘Be clear on which it is, because that sounds awfully like a choice to me.’

He stared at her. ‘Yes, you’re right. It’s a choice. I couldn’t give her what she wanted, because I’d already given it to you.’

There was shock in her eyes, and she was staring at him as if he’d just started speaking Greek. She looked magnificent, as she always did, especially when she was in a fury. Her eyes deep and dark and full of hot temper, her hair wild and dark down her back. She wore the sexiest white dress, a halter neck that cupped her breasts and hugged her hips before swirling out into full skirts. The ends of the halter tied behind her neck and fell down her back, just begging to be pulled.

She was so beautiful and yet everything inside him was clenched tight with disappointment.

She loved him. Even though he’d told her that love could never be a part of their relationship. Even though he’d warned her. And now he could give a name to the feeling that clawed at his own heart every time he looked at her.

He loved her too. He had loved her the second he’d seen her. And he’d been telling himself lies all this time, because he’d already had a wife and he’d made promises to her. He’d wanted to be a good husband just as he’d wanted to be a good son. Telling himself that it wasn’t, couldn’t be love, that it was something else, something powerful and compelling and passionate, butdefinitely not love.

It was love, of course.

When he’d told himself he wasn’t going to fall over that precipice, he hadn’t realised he’d already fallen.

That was why it was so very disappointing. Why, even if he didn’t want it to, it changed everything. Why he couldn’t hold her to their marriage and wouldn’t.

She’d told him it was a choice, and it was. She’d taken his heart, there was nothing he could do about that, but he could choose not to take hers in return.

‘What do you mean you’d already given it to me?’ Alice said softly, her anger giving way to surprise and a dawning hope.

But he couldn’t allow that hope. It would be better for her if he crushed it completely, if he failed her now before he failed her at some later stage, when it would hurt her even more.

And he would fail her. He’d failed his mother, his father, and Emily, and he didn’t see how it was possible not to fail Alice. Diego would take everything he had to give, and he didn’t have anything left for anyone else. His son would have to come first; he had to.

She never wanted to be anyone’s second choice.

No, and it killed him that she would be. But it had to be this way. With any luck, she’d understand.

‘My heart, Alice,’ he said roughly. ‘You had it the moment I saw you and so I had nothing to give Emily.’

‘What?’ She’d gone pale. ‘So it’s my fault? Is that what you’re saying?’

‘No, mi cielo, that’s not what I’m saying.’ He wanted to hold her, but he couldn’t allow himself that. He could never allow himself anything, that was clear. He’d thought he’d be able at least to have her in his life and at his side, but he couldn’t, and he’d been selfish to think so. ‘You weren’t to blame for anything. As you said so eloquently, it’s definitely a me problem. Because I loved you, I couldn’t give Emily what she wanted, what she needed, and what I should have done was let her go. But I didn’t. Selfishly, I wanted to prove that I could be a good husband, but I ended up proving the opposite.’

Mean and petty and cruel. Just like your father.

‘No,’ Alice breathed, the colour rushing back into her face. ‘No, that’s not true. You were a great—’

‘I was not,’ he interrupted flatly. ‘Just like I wasn’t a good son. My father was jealous and vindictive, and I made him worse. I got Javier fired. I didn’t love Emily the way she should have been loved and ended up causing her so much pain.’ His jaw ached but he made himself go on. ‘Love is cruelty and pain. And everyone I love I fail. So I’m choosing now not to fail you. Do you understand?’

She was shaking her head, still staring at him in shock. ‘No, Sebastian. No, I don’t understand. You haven’t failed anyone.’ She took another step, getting close to him and he had to take a step back. He didn’t want her near. She was too much of a temptation to him already and he was too weak when it came to her.

‘I love you, Alice,’ he said, allowing himself the luxury of saying the words once, out loud, because he would never say them again. ‘But I’m not letting my heart make my choices for me, not this time. I’m going to give everything I have to Diego. Everything. He is the one person I have no choice about and he’s only a baby. You will find someone else, another man who—’

‘Are you serious right now?’ Bright sparks of anger leapt in her eyes. ‘Are you really saying that I need to turn around and look elsewhere?’

‘I’m not choosing you, Alice,’ he said roughly. ‘That’s what you always wanted. You wanted to be someone’s first choice and I can’t give you that. I can’t give you anything but hurt and disappointment.’

‘Do you really think I want to be put ahead of Diego?’ Her voice was fierce, hot. ‘Do you really think I’d demand that you put me ahead of my four-month-old nephew?’

‘No, but I—’

‘You’re damn right, I wouldn’t,’ she interrupted furiously. ‘And you’re a coward for even thinking that I would. A coward for using Diego as an excuse.’

He stiffened in outrage. ‘I’m not using him as an excuse!’

‘Aren’t you?’ Abruptly she stormed up to him, her dress sweeping out behind her, all the fierce passion of her soul blazing in her eyes. ‘You’re using him as a reason not to even try, Sebastian. And all so you can avoid the possibility of failing.’

His own temper leapt high. ‘I’m not afraid!’

‘You are!’ She drew herself up to her full height, magnificent as a goddess in her anger. ‘You’re afraid. And you’re afraid because even now, even after all this time, you’re still trying to make it up to your father.’

‘No,’ he said furiously. ‘That was years ago.’

‘So why are you still doing it? Why is failure the only thing you can think of when you look at me? Do you think I’m demanding? Is that it?’

‘No, love is demanding, Alice.’ This time he took a step, getting close to her, letting her feel his hopeless rage. ‘It’s vindictive and cruel and it expects everything from you. And I have nothing to give. Nothing.’

She didn’t back away, she just stared right back at him. ‘You’re wrong,’ she said flatly. ‘It’s not love that’s vindictive and cruel and demanding. That was all your father. He was the issue, not love. And not you. Never you. I don’t know why you get the two confused, but what I do know is that it’s not me you’re protecting, it’s yourself.’

‘I’m not—’

‘I don’t want to hear it.’ The darkness of her eyes stared into his, the strength of her spirit shining through. ‘I waited five years for you, and I’ll be damned if I let you fall at the first hurdle, just because you’re afraid. I’m also not going to leave so you can take the easy way out.’ Her expression blazed with something passionate and intense. ‘I love you. I loved you the day I met you. And now I’ve spent time with you, got to know you, I love you even more. You’re the most amazing, intelligent, caring and passionate man I’ve ever met and what we have together is special, Sebastián. What we have is unique. I let my first marriage go without a fight, without a protest, but I’m not going to do it with you.’

She lifted a hand to his cheek, rooting him to the spot. ‘I will fight for you. I will fight for what we have, because you’re worth it. We are worth it. We deserve it.’ Then she dropped her hand and stepped back. ‘Let me know when you change your mind because I’m not leaving this place until you do.’

Then she walked right past him and off the terrace.