Chapter Eleven
ALICESTORMEDDOWNSTAIRS, absolutely furious. She’d bared her heart to him, told him what she wanted, and all he’d given her in return were excuses. He had good reasons to believe them to be truths—his experience of love had been terrible, after all—yet they were excuses all the same.
He was afraid and she understood that, but she’d hoped that what they had would be greater than his fear. She’d hoped that he’d give love another chance, yet it seemed he wasn’t going to overcome this.
By the time she got downstairs though, all her anger had evaporated, and as she stepped into the lounge, the tears she’d been fighting all this time finally streamed down her cheeks.
A part of her wanted to run, find the boat they’d been using and turn it out into the open sea and let it go. Let it take her far away from the island where she’d been so happy, and far away from him.
But she knew if she did that she’d be losing yet one more thing. She’d lost her baby and her marriage, her husband and Emily. She couldn’t bear to lose Sebastián too, and she damn well wasn’t going to.
She couldn’t force him to look at himself and what he was doing, to see what she saw in him, which was a loving, generous, passionate man who’d been told nothing he could do would ever be enough to be accepted and loved. No wonder he thought love was a terrible force. No wonder he didn’t want it. It must feel like mountains crushing him.
Still, she wasn’t going to walk away from this. She wasn’t going to accept whatever scraps he was willing to give her and she wasn’t going to do what she’d done with Edward and let him withdraw from her either. She wanted to fight for him, fight for the relationship they were just starting to build, and if that meant waiting for him to be ready, to face his fear, then she’d wait.
But she wasn’t leaving.
She wanted him more than she wanted her next breath and so she was going to stay here to fight for him whether he wanted her to or not.
Sebastián stood for a long time on the rooftop terrace, watching as the sun disappeared beneath the horizon. Every muscle in his body was tense and his heart felt as if it had shattered in his chest.
He couldn’t give her what she wanted. He couldn’t. He didn’t have it in him. He had nothing left.
She’s right. That’s the excuse you use because you’re afraid and you’re protecting yourself.
What was wrong with wanting to protect himself, though? His father’s terrible revelations had gutted him, and even though he’d tried hard afterwards to be a good son, nothing he had done had made any difference. Mateo had resented him until the end.
Could she really blame him for not wanting to open himself up to that kind of pain again? For not wanting to visit that pain on anyone else? Especially after what had happened with Emily.
When he’d married Emily, he’d been determined to be a good husband. He’d pushed aside his longing for Alice, tried to forget about her, tried to channel his passion into his wife instead of into his obsession with her sister.
But he’d failed and he’d hurt her badly enough that she’d gone looking for someone else. She’d broken her vows to him, yet he couldn’t blame her. He hadn’t loved her the way he should have.
He didn’t love anyone the way they should be loved, because it was such an intense, powerful emotion. It caused great harm and he only had to remember Alice’s white face and her dark eyes full of passion and fury to know that.
She loved him and it had brought her nothing but pain.
Yet she’s still going to fight for you, for what you both could have together. Why aren’t you fighting for her in return?
Why would he? When love was a never-ending grind of keeping your emotions tied down and held back, of trying to give someone enough to make them happy and failing?
The shattered edges of his heart ground against one another, pain spreading through him.
A coward, Alice had called him.
It’s true. You don’t want to try, because you don’t want to fail. And you don’t want to fail because she was right when she said you were still trying to make it up to your father. That’s all you’ve been doing for years...
His muscles ached, everything ached. The sun was sending up its last flaring brilliance and he couldn’t drag his gaze away. But he wasn’t looking at it. There was only Alice standing in front of him, throwing the truth in his face, because it was the truth. He could see that now. That was exactly what he’d been doing and for years now, letting his father’s anger and resentment colour his life. Still trying to prove himself to a man who’d died years ago.
A man who wasn’t his father, he knew suddenly, because a father wouldn’t do that to his son. He could see that now, because he wouldn’t do that to Diego. He loved Diego.
And you love Alice too.
He did. And the past two weeks with her hadn’t been a grind. They’d been the happiest he’d ever had and she had been happy too. Turning towards him, her face shining, smiling at him, her dark eyes full of light.
You made her happy.
Yes, he did. That was all him. And she made him happy too. Diego also made him happy. Was it as simple as that?
‘It’s not love that’s vindictive and cruel and demanding. That was all your father...’
That was what she’d told him and...maybe she was right. Alice loved him and she’d never been cruel or petty. No, all she’d given him was happiness. So...was love happiness? Was it...acceptance?
She accepts you. She always has. She got to know you and she’s still here, fighting for you. Wanting you. How can you give her nothing in return?
He couldn’t give her nothing. That was it, wasn’t it? That would be repeating his marriage to Emily, and he knew abruptly that the answer wasn’t to walk away. Alice wasn’t walking away, she was standing and fighting, and he couldn’t let her be the only one. He had to fight for her too, because she deserved it. She deserved everything he could give her and that meant giving her everything.
His mind. His body. His heart and his soul. They were all hers.
Sebastián pushed himself away from the edge of the terrace and turned, striding down the stairs and into the living area. She wasn’t there.
He went through the sliding doors and out into the front garden that sloped down to the sea and there she was, standing staring at the horizon, the last rays of the sun outlining her in gold.
‘Alice,’ he said quietly. ‘Mi cielo.’
Slowly she turned and their eyes met the way they had all those years ago, and he could feel it then. He let it in, fully and completely.
It was what it had always been. Love at first sight.
‘What did you choose?’ Her chin was still lifted and he could see that she was still prepared for a fight.
But she didn’t have to fight now, not any more.
‘You were right,’ he said. ‘When you said it was my father who was the problem, not love, you were right. These past two weeks with you have shown me what love truly is and it’s...happiness, Alice. And it was you who showed me that.’
Her eyes were liquid with tears and the expression on her face put the setting sun to shame, but he went on, because nothing was going to stop him from saying the rest now. ‘So, Alice Castellano, my beautiful wife. I have made my choice, and my choice is love. My choice is you. It was you five years ago and five years from now it will still be you. Those years we spent waiting were too long and I want more. I want everything. I want for ever.’
‘Really?’ She took a shaky breath, staring at him as if she didn’t quite believe it. ‘As simple as that?’
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘As simple as that.’ And then he opened his arms and she ran into them, and she was finally there, where she should have been right from the start.
In his arms.
Close to his heart.