Chapter Thirteen
Maeda
My attachment to Nikki had been starting to concern me.
I spent so long wondering if her confession of love all those years ago had been genuine or just the moment taking over. But now, there was no denying it. This was more than just fake dating.
We sat down in Bottomless and had brunch.
It felt like a real date. Not for show, just us.
We split an appetizer, and she let me have the rest of her country potatoes.
Then, we went down by the gazebo and laid on a picnic blanket under the shade of a tree.
I had a notebook to work on some scene ideas for my novel, and Nikki had a word search book.
We stayed there, cuddled next to each other, each working in our little booklets, for nearly an hour.
Then, it was time to go to work.
The bowling league continued its matchplay towards the finals. Near the end of my shift, Tristan arrived to take Dolly for the weekend.
“Maeda, can I talk to you. Outside?”
I looked over at Nikki, and she nodded.
“What, you need your girlfriend’s permission to go ten feet away?” He scoffed as we exited Lucky Lanes.
“No, I need to let my boss know that I am walking away during my shift,” I argued. Then I focused on buckling up Dolly. “Have a good time, sweetheart. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mama,” she said. Her voice small and tired, her eyes were heavy lidded. She would be asleep before Tristan turned off the main road.
“Don’t you hear how fucked up that is? It’s like she’s manipulating you,” Tristan said.
“She’s not,” I laughed.
Tristan wasn’t laughing. “It’s a power dynamic thing. I learned about it in these workplace sexual harassment trainings we are required to do. She’s using her position of being your boss over you.” He folded his arms. “I don’t like it.”
“Well, she’s not doing that, and she wouldn’t. Plus, it’s none of your business. If you don’t like it, then it’s not your place to say anything.” I laughed again. “Sexual harassment in the workplace, how are things with Dom going?”
“She’s just a friend,” he pleaded. “I can have her move back out no issue.”
My stomach was in knots. “How could you still be asking me that? You haven’t changed. You’re doing the same thing to Dom that you did to me.”
Tristan brushed his hands through his hair. “I have changed. I would never want to hurt you. You’ve been gone, and I was lonely.”
“You were lonely even when I was living there. That’s why you slept with your co-worker.”
“You keep shutting me out, but we are a family. You, me, and Dolly.”
I sighed. “We are co-parents. We are not romantic partners or anything more than two adults raising and cheering on our daughter. Because of that, we will always be in each other’s lives.
” I thought about Nikki and how she was waiting for some kind of assurance from me.
How could I give her that while I was in a constant defensive mode, keeping Tristan at bay?
“I cannot keep having this conversation. You need to accept that you and I are never going to be a couple again. We are co-parents, our relationship begins and ends with Dolly. I don’t want to hear about Dom, and you don’t need to have opinions about Nikki.
” Then, I gave him a hug. “I care about you because you are the father of my child. You are a great dad, but we are not compatible as a couple. And, that’s okay. ”
When I pulled back, I saw he had tears in his eyes.
“I think I’ll always love you, Maeda,” he said, but I could sense his acceptance of the situation.
I held back what I wanted to say, it was never about love between us, just lust and responsibilities and expectations.
If he thought what we had was love, then he didn’t know much.
The best day between he and I was nothing compared to Nikki.
He had gotten in his car and drove away, Dolly was already asleep.
When I went back inside, Nikki grabbed a cleaning kit and said, “I’ve got to go clean out the bathroom.” She walked away without eye contact or even a glance at me.
After work, I had planned to stay late since Nikki had to fill out the manager binder, but instead she was standing by the door. “I think you should go home,” Nikki said. “I need to focus on work. And you should maybe write or something tonight.”
“Oh, okay. Do you want to come by after?”
Nikki rubbed her neck with her hand. “Maeda, I think I need a break for a little bit. I’ll check in with you maybe tomorrow.”
I felt like the ground under me disappeared. “What do you mean?”
“I saw you.” Nikki’s face was pained. “I saw you and Tristan hugging. I know you don’t owe me anything, but it really sucked.”
“That wasn’t… Nikki, it wasn’t like that.”
“I don’t know if I believe you, Mae. You tell me that you want to keep him from bugging you, and I don’t deserve to be the fodder for your revenge against Tristan. I told you that this wasn’t pretend for me anymore.”
I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. My throat was dry. “I want you in my life, Nikki. You.”
I couldn’t help but hear the echo of Tristan asking me to come back.
“How do I know that? Maybe you’re just trying to explore your sexuality. Maybe this is a big experiment for you because every time I get vulnerable, I find you back in his arms. I need you to be done with him.”
“He’s Dolly’s father. He will always be around, but that doesn’t mean I have any desire for him at all,” I pleaded, and I hated myself for it. When had I become someone who begged? Isn’t that why I left Tristan too? I was tired of begging to be cared for. Nikki had never made me beg before.
“Maybe that’s your justification for it, but, dolci, you have to understand.” She let out a heavy sigh, her shoulders dropping. With defeat, she softly said, “I deserve to be pursued in equal measure to the love I give out.”
“I can’t promise anything long-term right now, I’m trying to stay standing on my own two feet. I have to take care of myself and Dolly, and that’s all I can manage right now.” My head was spinning.
“You don’t have to do it on your own!”
I took a step back, wiped my tears away, and straightened my spine. “You want to shut me out? Fine, but I don’t need you to play the hero.” But inside, I was screaming, Just love me, I’m at the end of my rope with nowhere to land.
“Mae,” Nikki started, as if I had hurt her all over again.
It would keep happening, I realized. Tristan would always be in my life and it would always hurt Nikki.
I couldn’t do that to her. I didn’t deserve her.
So I decided that she would be better off without me.
“If I let you save me, then I will be dependent on you,” I said, my voice cracking with the welling emotion coating my throat, “I promised myself I wouldn’t let myself fall into that trap again. ”
Nikki looked angry; a look I had never seen in her eyes before.
It killed me. “Well, I wouldn’t want you to feel trapped.
” The air was holding its breath. The only sound in the room was the slow ticking of an analog clock.
It was a moment before Nikki spoke again, her words firm and final.
“You don’t have to worry about our arrangement anymore. Clearly it was never real anyway.”
“Nikki,” I said, but she had already closed the door. I watched her through the glass as she walked back toward the office and out of sight. What could I even say? I wanted her to fight for me, but maybe I had pushed too hard.
I had always been the one to walk away before getting left behind. Turned out, I had the right idea. Being the one left standing sucked.