28. I Couldn’t Keep Him Safe
I Couldn’t Keep Him Safe
ELLIE
He stayed. Just when we needed Sam the most, he didn’t go.
I didn’t understand how huge that was until I got Henry to bed.
I tried one more time to get Tommy to come out of his room—not even to talk to me, just to get some food.
But I gave up when he stopped ignoring me and yelled through the door to Leave me alone!
I trudged upstairs with a knot in my throat, and found Sam had cleaned up the kitchen, right down to mopping the floors.
He’d made dinner too, while wearing Henry in the baby carrier on his back.
Now he was moving around the kitchen with a towel over his shoulder.
He wiped the last bit of the counter, his expression like this was the most important job in the world, before looking up and seeing me standing there staring at him.
“Hey,” he said. “Any luck with Tommy?”
Earlier, he’d told me everything that happened. Right down to how my son had attacked him. I’d cried, feeling not just devastated for failing Tommy, but ashamed that he’d try to do that to Sam, after how kind Sam had been to him.
“You could have been hurt!” I’d said. “He’s almost as tall as you.”
“He wouldn’t have hurt me, El. I promise.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I wouldn’t have let him.”
He’d said it confidently, but also so gently.
Ron would have been cocky saying something like that.
He’d been a lot like Anthony in that way.
Tough guys in bluster only. Sam, on the other hand, had training.
Something called a coral belt in Jiu Jitsu.
I’d gotten it out of him in one of our text conversations.
But all he cared about was Tommy’s well-being. “I wouldn’t let him do anything in anger he’d regret for the rest of his life.”
Now, I shook my head. “He still won’t come out of his room. Which is fine, I just…” I folded my arms, unsure what I wanted, besides Tommy to open his door and accept my hug and tell me everything that was hurting his heart.
“Thank you for staying,” I said to Sam.
“Of course,” he said. “I just wish I could do more.”
My throat tightened again. “You’ve done the most.”
Sam’s eyes met mine for a long moment, and for a second, it looked like he was going to move toward me. But he dropped his hands again, shoving them into his pockets.
“Sam, I—”
“It’s okay, Ellie. We don’t need to talk about anything tonight. I should go, give you guys your space.”
An hour ago, I was ready to tell Sam that maybe what had happened between us at his parents’ place didn’t have to be a one off. That maybe we could have some fun together.
But everything felt too real now. Too raw.
I pressed my lips together. We were still standing in the kitchen several feet apart from one another. It felt so wrong after his earlier tenderness.
“Sure. Yeah, you should go.”
I wasn’t shocked he’d want to leave, not after bending over backwards for us all day. But I didn’t want him to. I wanted to beg him to stay. To make me forget about this awful day.
“What are you going to do?” Sam asked. “Right now, I mean.”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. Go to sleep I guess.”
I looked to the tiled floor as I said that.
“Are you going to be able to?”
My lips tilted slightly, then dropped. He could read me so easily now.
I ran my hand through my hair. I’d already messed up the curls I’d so carefully styled earlier. “Will you sit down with me for a minute?”
He nodded, and we moved to the dining room, where Sam turned two chairs out. We both sat down, our knees a few inches apart.
“When this used to happen in Sacramento,” I said, “I would wake up to find Tommy gone. He snuck out so many times. Once Henry was here, I wasn’t as good at catching him.” I swallowed. “I couldn’t keep him safe.”
I pressed a thumb into my hand. This had me looking down at my lap, at the pink dress I’d put on earlier. It was good I hadn’t made a pass at Sam, even with no strings attached. Why would he want to be a part of this mess? I was nothing but strings.
“You don’t have to tell me about it,” Sam said. “If it’s too hard.”
But I could tell he wanted to know what Tommy had been through. He deserved to know, given what had happened today.
“Tommy was assaulted,” I said. “Pretty badly.”
Sam’s face fell. “I’m so sorry, El.”
I nodded, swallowing the thorny knot growing in my throat.
“He was such a sweet baby. Did I tell you that? A shit sleeper compared to Henry.” I laughed, but I felt no humor right now.
“Tommy was so observant. He loved the world around him. As a kid he was soft and sweet and even silly when you got to know him. He loved to draw. But he was shy. He had a hard time making friends. And where we lived, he ended up going to this massive high school. From day one, these kids, these fucking wannabe gangsters, they honed in on him. Looked at him like fresh meat.” My eyes welled. “My sweet little boy.”
I felt the tear streak down my cheek. I caught it with the heel of my hand, as if I could stop the memory from happening.
Sam had leaned toward me, but he looked so conflicted, like he didn’t know what he wanted me to do. Or like he didn’t know what I wanted him to do.
I didn’t either.
So I kept going. “These kids had this initiation ritual where they physically attacked new members. They told Tommy to meet them in this industrial area with no one around, in the middle of the night. He told me later he thought they’d just sent him to this lonely, scary neighborhood at night.
Like the initiation was just to show up, because when he got there, he was alone.
” I pressed a flat hand to my mouth, then let go.
“He shouldn’t have gone, of course. But he did, because he was just happy to be included in something.
Isn’t that fucked up? But he wasn’t alone, of course.
They were hiding. And after they’d made him wait, they came out of nowhere. ”
Sam reached for me then. No more hesitation. He took my hand and gathered it into both of his, leaning in close as he tucked my hand under his chin.
I remembered the cops’ words. It’s pretty brutal, ma’am.
“He hit his head on a curb and passed out,” I said. “Ironically, they think the concussion saved him from worse injuries, because after that, they all ran. There was a lot of blood, apparently.”
“They left him?” Sam was incredulous. He sat back, but didn’t release my hand. “Who were these kids?”
“That’s the thing.” I scoffed, pressing the heels of my palm of my free hand under my eyes, wiping away the tears. “They were all rich kids. Spoiled brats thinking they were doing something revolutionary.”
“Ellie, I’m so sorry,” Sam said.
I nodded. “Yeah well, that’s why we left.
As soon as he was better. We went to my mom’s for a couple months until our place sold.
I bought a camper, put all our stuff in it, and moved us out to the flower farm.
She took care of us. Saved our lives, honestly.
” I swallowed. “Along with the therapy both Tommy and I went to. I wish she was here now.” My voice cracked.
But I couldn’t dwell on that thought or I’d lose it again.
“When I was deciding where to go, I remembered Sarah had asked me if I wanted to join Heartbreaker. But Vermont was so far. Mom wanted me to move close to her.”
Sam had shifted my hand so it was upside down, and he was pressing gently on all the tender parts, massaging my sore spots like he knew exactly where they were. I’d never told him. “So…why did you move here then, Ellie?”
His voice was curious. He didn’t know. Of course he didn’t.
“Because of you, Sam.”
Sam’s eyebrows furrowed, his hands going still on mine. “What?”
“That night, you told me about this sweet little town you came from. You said it was safe and quiet and a great place to have grown up. You told me about the river and the way the trees looked so bright and green when the leaves started coming out in the spring.” My gaze shifted out past the balcony, to where I could see the top of one of the oaks lining our street against the nearly dark sky.
“Also Sarah was here, and she told me her sister Kit had moved here too. We were already friends. But you’re a big part of why we’re here, Sam. So, thank you.”
I never thought he’d be here, of course. It made me a little ill when I used to think about it, but now I couldn’t imagine being in Quince Valley without him.
“Well, you’re welcome,” Sam said.
I laughed. That felt so good, I laughed again, and when I stopped, Sam was staring at me with such wonder, my chest seemed to melt.
I closed my eyes, imagining what would happen if I crawled into his lap right now. Asked him to hold me.
“Sam,” I said, still not opening my eyes. “Do you think you could stay here tonight?”
Sam didn’t say anything. He was still cupping the back of my hand with both of his, but he didn’t move.
I blinked my eyes open. “I just mean… I’m worried about Tommy trying to leave. If he does, I’ll need to deal with him, and there’s Henry and—”
“Of course, Ellie,” Sam said. “Of course I can stay. There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
After some debate about the best set-up, somehow we ended up with Sam sleeping on the couch with both the baby and front door monitors next to him, volumes high. I was going to sleep downstairs with my door open.
“This still doesn’t seem fair,” I said.
I knew he’d set it up this way so I could sleep.
“Since when do we need to make things fair? You’ve been doing everything yourself long enough, Ellie.”
I couldn’t even allow myself to acknowledge how soft that made me feel.
“You sure you have everything you need?” I asked him. We’d put a sheet and blanket down and I’d dug up some extra pillows. He had water and chargers for the monitors. I’d opened the balcony door for the breeze. It was a soft night. Outside and in.
I couldn’t think of anything else to offer him, but I was still lingering.
“Yes,” Sam said. “I promise I’m good.”
I pressed my lips together. “Okay. Well, thank you.”
“Stop saying that.”
I smiled. I half wondered if he would hug me again, but he'd already sat down on the couch.
I liked seeing him there.
“Go to bed, Ellie,” Sam said softly.
I nodded, then headed down the hallway. “Goodnight, Sam” I whispered into the dark.