Chapter 30
Harper
Ican’t decide if I’m more angry or hurt that Luke went grocery shopping with Cassie. Though after confronting him about the text, it’s nice to have a little privacy to wipe my memory of what happened.
Once they drive off together, I find the nearest pillow and scream into it until the screaming turns into a sob. At some point, I shift from crying about how he said his “feelings” for me were a joke to crying over the fact that he’s spending time with Cassie again.
If Cassie is so mad at him, why did she want to park in front of our Airbnb? And if she’s the one who broke things off, would Luke be willing to start things up again? Apparently the two of us sleeping together in a bed is no longer a threat.
I pull myself together enough to hop in the shower and wash all the humiliation away before Luke gets back. I’ve just finished getting dressed when he comes through the door.
“Where’s Cassie?” I ask, eyeing the door as I help him put the food away. He didn’t get much for groceries, just a few snacks for when we’re on the road. Did he really need to go with her to the store, or was it just an excuse?
“In her van. She mentioned that tonight might be another good night for the northern lights.”
I have to suppress a groan at the thought of spending more time with her.
“I don’t really feel like going hunting for them with Cassie, but you can if you want,” I say.
He pulls out a box of hot chocolate mix and hands it to me.
“She’s going on her own. So this is just for you and me.” He looks at me, the words sitting in front of us like he’s trying to tell me more.
“Oh,” I say, a bit too pleased to hear that he won’t be seeing Cassie tonight.
“Yeah, so bundle up and we can head out once it gets dark.”
§
We drive back out to the beach we were at earlier in the day and set up a blanket in the sand, sitting far away from the rocks where the birds nest. The night sky is clear tonight, stars already peeking through.
When I check the app on my phone, the KP index isn’t high, but I’m hoping it’s still enough to see the lights streak across the sky.
I sit on the blanket we laid out, and Luke wraps me up in another one he’d taken from the Airbnb. He also pulls out a thermos that he’d prefilled with hot chocolate and offers it to me.
“How”—I stop myself. I was about to say how romantic, which is definitely not something you say to your best friend, even when it’s true—“thoughtful,” I finish, probably a little too late to sound natural.
Luke’s gaze lingers on me for a moment, and I wait for him to say something, cringing inwardly and wishing I could rewind and say just about anything else.
He lets it go and comes to sit next to me, leaving a healthy gap between us.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tempted to scoot over on the blanket until we were touching.
I want to sit the same way we’d been earlier in the day, my head leaning on his shoulder.
But that was when the sun was bright and he was trying to comfort me.
The darkness feels too intimate for him to wrap his arms around me, no matter how badly I want it.
“Where did Cassie go to search for the northern lights?” I ask.
I was initially relieved to hear she wouldn’t be with us, but once the relief passes over, I start to wonder if Luke wanted to go with her and just felt bad leaving me behind.
She had been the one to break things off, after all. Am I just getting in the way now?
“The lighthouse that we went to earlier. So right over there, technically.” He points over my shoulder to the lighthouse that blinks a dim light above our heads. It looks a bit ominous from this distance, with the faintest haze between us.
It makes me wonder if Cassie knows we’re down here. If she’s supposed to be sitting next to Luke on the blanket instead of me.
Luke’s a good friend. Too good, even if it means putting me above anyone he dates.
It makes me feel selfish, but even so, I can’t get myself to say anything to stop him.
I don’t want him to stop putting me first. I want Luke in a way that feels dangerous.
It’s like the feelings have been festering in me, unknown, for years, and now that I’ve acknowledged them, they’re impossible to ignore.
“I’m sorry about how I ruined things for you and Cassie,” I say, my eyes looking toward the ocean. I know if I look at Luke, I won’t be able to say the words.
There’s a long silence, with the crashing of the waves the only sound. A salty breeze comes through, blowing my hair across my face. It’s a fierce cold that blows through, a sharp reminder from the universe that Luke isn’t mine to claim.
“You didn’t ruin things,” Luke says softly.
A long, rolling crash from a wave fills the void.
Does that mean the two of them worked things out while they were at the grocery store? And if they did, should it be Cassie sitting here? If she were here, would Luke have his arms wrapped around her rather than keeping a gap of space?
I glance back at the lighthouse on the hill. If Cassie’s up there, then she must have her van turned off, just sitting in the darkness. The valiant part of myself wants to offer to leave, to let Luke go join her.
I open my mouth to say the words, but I can’t. I need him here.
“Harper,” Luke says.
I turn to look at him. His face is serious.
“You had nothing to do with what happened between me and Cassie.” He says the words carefully and slowly, making me listen.
But it can’t be the truth, because I’m the reason it didn’t work out. Things seemed perfect between them until Cassie found out we were sharing a bed every night.
She is, of course, correct in her concern, because here I am pining over my best friend, awkwardly sharing a bed with him every night.
“It’s just. . . messy,” I say, because it’s the closest thing to the truth.
“The sharing one bed thing, or the fact that you insisted I date a random person you found at Blue Lagoon?” He seems to be trying to lighten the mood.
“You picked her out yourself,” I point out.
He laughs, and the sound of it feels like home. It makes me long to touch him, just lean into his warmth, but I don’t allow myself.
We sit for a long time, waiting under the stars for some color to form. Luke lies back on the blanket, and eventually I join him. The ground is cold, even with the blanket offering a thin barrier.
I shiver involuntarily, and Luke shifts next to me.
“Alright, come on,” Luke says, beginning to scoot closer until we’re touching from our thighs up.
There’s so much clothing between us that there shouldn’t be anything intimate about it, but he’s so close to me that I feel an instant reaction in my body. I’m not sure whether to curl myself against his chest or pull further away to stop myself.
Luke settles back down, lying on his back with our arms touching.
“Comfy?” I ask, making sure my voice stays steady, though I feel more nervous than I’ve ever been on any date. We both have our full winter gear on and are now sharing the blankets, piling everything on top of us to keep warm.
“I didn’t imagine waiting for the northern lights to be this cold.”
When he talks, I can see little puffs of steam from his breath.
“No pain, no gain,” I say.
“That’s for workouts.”
I shrug. “Or people too cold to wait out the northern lights.” I squint my eyes toward the sky.
There are dozens of stars peeking out through the blanket of darkness, some brighter than others.
In the corner of the sky is the moon, a perfect crescent floating above us.
It gives a faint glow, just enough light to make out the features of Luke’s face when he turns toward me.
He shifts until he’s lying on his side, his gaze on me.
“Thanks for inviting me to come on this trip,” he says gently.
My gaze feels pinned to him, and I take a nervous gulp. “Of course.”
“It’s kind of magical here,” he practically whispers. His eyes bore into mine with a type of kindness that only comes from love. But for Luke, it’s more like a sibling love. It’s not the type of love I want from him.
“It’s a whole other world here,” I agree. I’m not just talking about Iceland. I’m talking about him. How ever since we’ve arrived, I’ve seen him differently than I have for the past twenty-two years. It’s messy and confusing, but in my gut, I know that it’s the thing I’ve wanted all along.
I keep my back firmly on the ground, afraid that if I turn to face Luke as well, I won’t be able to stop myself.
Even now, looking at him, our faces so close, all I would have to do is lean forward to kiss him.
I want to kiss him. It would be as simple as breathing.
With the air cold, our breath hot, we’d complete each other.
Or I’d fall into the sand while Luke darted away.
Luke lets the silence hang too long, and I swear he scoots even closer, leaving just mere inches between our lips. All I would have to do is turn my head.
If the text was a joke, why torture me? Why let me get so close, why imagine kissing him, for a joke?
I panic and sit up, pulling the blankets up with me. Cold air brushes against my back and side where Luke’s warmth had been.
“Harper?” Luke asks, sitting up next to me. He puts a hand up, like he’s going to touch my back, but then he drops it. Our legs are tangled with each other’s. Luke notices at the same time I do, and he pulls away until all I’m left with is a cold echo of where he’d been.
“Sorry, I thought I saw something.” I point to the sky.
Luke looks up, studying the dark expanse, but there’s nothing to see. He moves to pull his phone out of his pocket.
“How long do you want to stay out here?” he asks.
It’s like a spell has been broken.
“What time is it?”
“One a.m.”
It’s later than I expected. We’ve been talking on and off all night. I had no idea how much time had passed.
“We should probably head back,” I say, but it feels like admitting defeat.
Luke nods in agreement. The silence feels heavy.
As we work together to fold up the blankets we brought out, neither one of us speaks.
A few moments ago, it felt like we were closer than ever, but now there’s an expanse of unspoken words between us.
It feels like something has shifted, but I’m not sure if it’s for the better.