12
Waking up with an arm heavy across my waist, I roll my eyes, finding Stevie in the bed with me despite his promise to stay on the couch. Shoving his arm off and throwing the sheets back, I sit up.
Looking over, I see he’s got a growing morning erection pushing against his boxers.
Feeling that old part of me that wants to just grab it and ride it, I hesitate.
Ordinarily, I would, but being too worried about King, I hold back.
Then again, King is out there probably fucking someone else if he was making out with that woman in the photo.
It’s something I never imagined I’d see him do. He’s probably only doing it because he’s drunk out of his mind or whatever the hell is going on.
He’s completely fallen off the wagon, and usually, when people do that, they fall back harder than they were before. I don’t even know how that’s possible with him, because the man was an absolute madhouse to begin with.
Feeling something stroking my back, I look over to my right to find Stevie lying on his back, staring at me. He definitely wants to smash.
"I didn't touch you," he states.
"But you want sex?" I ask him.
"I wouldn't say no to that. Especially, you know… it's been a long time and... I've always liked you," he expresses.
My eyes roll and get up, reaching for my pants..
"People who like people don't put them on blast and fuck them and ditch them just so they can impress their friends, Stevie."
"You didn't even see me. You only loved Ty," he replies.
I look at him then, incredulous. "You were sleeping with a different woman every day. And now you're acting as though you liked me the whole time?"
"Yeah, I did. I was kind of jealous of the both of you."
I laugh. "Sure you were."
"Just because I slept with a lot of women doesn't mean I loved any of them," Stevie says.
"That's the life you chose to live, Stevie," I tell him.
"Yeah, but it gets really lonely," he expresses.
"You can be drowning in bodies and still feel lonely, like you want someone to be there with you at the end of the night, outside of just for your fame and money.
Ty had that. There was a part of me that was rejoicing when you guys broke up because I was jealous. "
I just stare at him. "You’re a piece of shit friend, Stevie."
"Never claimed to be anything else. I'm a pretty selfish guy, but I did really want to make amends," he replies.
"Regardless of whether I was with Tyler or not, you and I wouldn't have worked out," I tell him.
"You only think you like me because I was unattainable to you. If we had started dating, you would have just cheated on the road because that’s what you people do.
People who are all about that life care about nobody but themselves.
The bigger and more famous you get, the more selfish you become. "
"Maybe that's true," Stevie says. "But that sounds a lot like the guy you're looking for."
"You don't know anything about him!" I snap, getting defensive.
"I know enough," Stevie tells me as he starts to put on his clothes. "Since the only places you seem to be looking for him are bars and clubs. So what does that say about you, Erica?"
He doesn't wait for an answer before he goes into the bathroom and locks the door.
I know King.
I know the side of King that is a good man, not this person who is running wild and lost.
A memory surfaces, back from when things were better.
~ "I believe God will bless you," King had told me.
"Not if I don’t believe in Him," I’d replied.
He had smiled down at me so sweetly and said, "Well, we’ll have to work on that, won’t we, Little Lost Lamb?"~
I start having more memories of King being such a bright light, and how he always tried to encourage everyone around him.
All at once, the memories crash in, and I'm back in that moment with him:
~ “No. I don’t mean any offense at all, seriously, but any God that would put his loving creations in hell for liking sex, which is the result of the hormones HE put in us. I don’t want to be there anyway with Him,” I had yelled at him.
“Forgive her, Father, she doesn’t know what she’s saying. Regardless of how you feel, God still loves you, Erica.”
My only response to him was to roll my eyes.
“He does. You said you left Scranton to start over. I don’t even think you fully understand why, but He put you in my path, and mine in yours, for a reason.
And… I just… I can see that you need Him and your spirit is calling out for Him and you’re fighting.
You’re fighting because the flesh is weak and I understand. I’ve been there.” ~
Sitting on the edge of the hotel bed, I realize I should have listened to him.
If I had known what he was really struggling with beneath the surface, I would have understood his intensity.
It's not like I suddenly believe God is the end-all-be-all, but when King told me that God was all he had, I see now that it was the only peace he had been able to find. Without it, he’s just adrift.
Then another memory surfaces, more vivid and painful than the last:
~ "Do you care about me?" he asked me.
"Of course I do."
"You're basically saying I should just believe you because you say so. How do I really know you care about me?" he replied.
"My actions show that, I hope," I answered.
"Yeah, but... you could have an ulterior motive, like wanting me to lose my faith." ~
My heart shatters at the memory.
He trusted me. At the time, I acted like I wasn’t over the moon about him trying to "save" me.
The truth is, I was trying to get him to lose his faith because I thought it was stupid.
I was selfish.
I just wanted him to enjoy life and to see the beauty in it the way I did, but I believed he was captive by his religion.
Or at least, that’s what I told myself to justify chipping away at his foundation.
~ "It’s almost like you’re asking me to have faith—to take your word for it that you mean what you say, even though you’ve done things to show me otherwise.
You repeatedly cussed in front of me, taking the Lord's name in vain, tried to get me to sin along with you even though you knew I didn't want to... " ~
My heart burns with the same shame I felt then when he told me that.
~ "But… I believe... It's crazy... but I do believe you care for me. Past your selfishness."
"Well... you shouldn't just believe me because I say so," I said
"No... That’s only part of it. It’s because I can feel it, Erica. In here." ~
As if he's right in front of me, I can see, once again, King balling his left hand into a fist and pressing it against his heart.
~ "That’s how I know… Erica, I feel that you and I have a special bond and that God put us in each other's path. You can't deny that bond but... you can't see it either.”~
I sit on the foot of the hotel bed, my body heavy and sinking into the mattress. I lean forward, burying my face in my hands. The tears burn as I sob silently for him.
“King, where are you?”