13
ZOSHA
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I am working on the cafe, but my hands feel like anchors are on them, like I'm moving through deep water. Ever since I had sex with King, I’ve been feeling completely heartbroken.
What’s worse is the silence, the news that he’s just gone.
I hear people talking, saying he up and left, and I know it's because of me.
He feels guilty because of what we did, and now I feel like I am the one responsible for ruining him.
Caleb mentioned he was coming by later.
He’s been such a big help with the cafe, even though I don’t really feel like talking to him much. Surprisingly, he’s cut down on the aggression and those mean comments he used to make.
He’s actually been very sweet to me lately, which is why he manages to come down here between his other jobs.
He texts me often to ask how I’m doing, but most of the time I just feel under the weather and want to shut the world out. He’s supposed to be stopping at his hotel first, probably staying over in Brackenridge for a few days like he usually does.
But there is this crippling burden growing in my soul. This fear. This...
There’s a sudden loud knock on the cafe door.
I’m surprised to see Sister Madysen standing there.
Oh no.
I open the door, and she looks me over.
“Sister Zosha? Are you okay? You look… worse for wear.”
“I-I’m okay,” I lie.
“Have you heard anything about Brother King?”
The guilt is so crippling I can barely breathe. I can't keep it in anymore.
I have to tell her…
I have to tell someone.
So I do.
Everything.
Before I even completely finish my last sentence of, “... And I wasn't expecting to have sex with him,” Madysen’s hand flies out and slaps the breath out of me. My cheek burns, and my head rings. She takes a deep breath.
"Calm down," she speaks slowly, calmer than her sudden outburst. "We’re all going to be fine."
"I'm scared," I whisper in a trembling voice, knowing I deserved that slap.
"Why are you scared?" Madysen asks.
"I… I um… haven't gotten my period."
Madysen looks toward the ceiling, her face twisting. "Dear Lord, what has that woman done to everyone?"
"I'm so sorry," I apologize, the tears starting to fall.
"No, it’s not you! It’s that woman! Erica! You seem like a good girl who wouldn't do stuff like this normally."
"She wasn't even here when it happened," I murmur.
"Did you do a pregnancy test?" Madysen asks.
"No," I reply. "I didn't want anyone seeing me buy it. I was too scared."
"Why would he have sex with you?" she asks, her voice hardened into a line of seeming disgust.
"I don't know... I tempted him. I'm sorry."
"You were trying to trap him," Madysen states. "Did you use protection?"
"Well, he didn't finish inside," I answer.
"It doesn't matter! You can still get pregnant, you idiot!" she snaps.
Then, her face softens slightly and she pulls me into a hug.
"Everything will be okay. We’ll find Brother King and bring him back to his senses. And if you’re pregnant, we’ll take care of that."
I pull back, confused. "What do you mean?"
"Well, you can't have it," Madysen tells me, as if this is supposed to be super obvious.
I stare at her, shocked. "That’s murdering. God says not to murder."
"Yes, well, God also told the Israelites to go and smite their enemies," Madysen tells me. "This child is an enemy of God because it’s not supposed to be inside you. Think about what it will do to Brother King’s life."
"No," I say firmly. "I’m not going to terminate my baby. I’m not doing that."
"Then fine. Get a test then," Madysen states.
I shake my head; I don’t want to know. Not yet.
"You can just get the test to find out," Madysen says, her voice carrying a bit of frantic and impatient energy.
"Even if I get the test and it says yes, I’m keeping it," I tell her.
"Okay… ooof…. Okay. All right," Madysen says. "I’ll drive you. I might actually have some old tests at my house. They’re not as accurate, but do you still want to try? At least to know for sure."
"Yes," I reply.
She's right. My instinct tells me that I am, but I would like to know for sure.
Madysen drives me out to her place. It’s a lot of land, acres of beautiful woodland right in the rural country. The house is huge. Three floors.
"Your house is beautiful," I tell her as we get out.
"Thank you," she replies.
As we walk down the driveway, I notice a pond with turtles and ducks. It’s peaceful here.
It feels good that Madysen is trying to help me keep my secret, even if a part of me knows she likes King herself.
"Would you ever consider leaving Brackenridge if you turn out to be pregnant?" she asks once we’re inside.
"No," I say. "This is my home."
"You're going to have to leave, Zosha" Madysen states. "At least until you have the baby, if you choose to have it. If King comes back—"
"Yeah, if he comes back," I interrupt. "But wouldn't he want to know his child?"
"No," Madysen tells me. "King doesn't want a child out of wedlock. You would be damning his soul by doing that."
I don't agree with her, but I don't say anything. I sit down at her island counter, and Madysen gives me an apple from a fruit basket. She rolls her eyes and mumbles something about "harlots" as she goes to find the test.
I must have drifted off. I wake up as Madysen stirs me awake. I’m a little bit confused because I’m no longer in the kitchen, and through the window, I can see the sky.
Madysen smiles at me, but it is a cold, ghoulish thing. "Congratulations. You’re pregnant."
I stare at her, my head swimming. There is no window. It was my own half closed eyes I was staring through. I don’t understand. I was asleep.
"You pissed yourself, so I had to get the result that way," Madysen lets me know in a cold and uncaring tone.
"But God help you. I’m not going to let you destroy a member of our community. You whorish women think you can just come in here and destroy God’s men and women and just get away with it? It keeps happening over and over again. I tried to give you an out, but you just kept making the wrong choice."
I try to speak, but the words won't come as she stands over me, her voice rising with a terrifying sort of fervor.
"Do you think your 'love' excuses you?" Madysen asks, her eyes wide and bright. "In the Bible, God commanded the Israelites to smite their enemies completely. He even sanctioned the ripping open of pregnant women in Samaria because they rebelled against Him. It’s about holiness, Zosha. It’s about purging the rot before it destroys the whole garden.
This child is a rebellion against everything Brother King has worked SO hard for. "
I start to cry, my head ringing with a dull, throbbing pain that makes it hard to focus.
Looking around, I realize we aren't in the house anymore. I’m lying on the damp forest floor, and I can see her ATV parked nearby, its engine still ticking as it cools. We are deep in the woods, far beyond where the paved road ends.
Madysen stands over me in her boots and her blue dress. She dusts her hands off and begins pulling her hair into a tight bun. Her skin looks darker out here in the shadows of the trees.
"Please, Miss Madysen," I beg, my voice trembling. "I’m so sorry. I will never come near King again. I promise!"
"Yeah, but that baby and you are a problem," Madysen expresses. "So... unfortunately, this is how things have to go. I’m sure you understand for the sake of saving another soul, right? That’s what’s most important. Because you love Brother King, don't you?"
I scramble to get up. My body finally starts to respond, and I stumble once, then twice, trying to crawl away on all fours.
But Madysen is faster. Without even really rushing, she’s on top of me, grabbing a fistful of my hair and yanking my head back so hard I cry out.
"Just look at what you’re wearing," she snarls. "You think I haven't noticed how you've been trying to tempt him? You're no different than Erica. No different than those sluts! I'm sick and tired of you. You're the reason why my family fell apart."
"What!!! No!" I yell as she begins to drag me.
"Every TIME there’s a good man, Brother King, my husband, my father, there is some slutty, grimy demoness trying to make him fall away from Christ," she grunts, pulling me by my legs.
"Every day we lose Christians and we lose God’s children because of you disgusting, nasty, hungry sluts!!! And you just keep getting away with it. No more."
I kick out wildly, catching her in the face. She yelps, her grip loosening for a second. I scream for help, looking toward where I think the house is, but a flash of light goes through my vision and a heavy ringing fills my ears.
A shovel drops onto the dirt beside me.
"We’re out here in the sticks, you little bitch," Madysen states, breathing hard. "Nobody’s going to hear you scream, and nobody else is home. I’ll tell them what you told me...
that you slept with Brother King. Or maybe I'll blame it on that friend of yours, the baker.
I'll say you were pregnant and terrified and you took off. "
She grabs my legs again and starts pulling. I feel like I'm floating, my fingers digging into the dirt until I weakly grab onto a tree trunk, trying to hold on for dear life.
Madysen lets go of my legs and steps down hard on my fingers. I hear a sickening crunch and a white-hot pain radiates down my arm. I can't help it; I let go, sobbing.
I start to pray. I reach for the language of my heart, whispering in Polish:
"Ojcze nasz, który? jest w niebie, ratuj mnie i moje dziecko. Nie opuszczaj nas w tej godzinie."
"Go ahead and mumble," Madysen tells me. "Your Russian God isn't going to save you."
I feel my movement stop. I’m lying on my back, my left arm hanging freely.
"I'll get rid of it," I whisper weakly.
"Get rid of what?" she asks, standing over me.
I reach out with my left hand, but there is no ground. There is only air and a slight, cold breeze. I open my eyes and see that I am right on the edge of a cliff. Below us is a gigantic drop to the rocks, mostly hidden by the green canopy.
"I'll… get rid of the baby," I croak. "Please..."
Madysen just stares at me, the shovel draped over her shoulder.
"Sister Zosha!" she gasps in fake outrage. "You would murder a baby? You really have no morals, do you? You care more about your own life than your own child. Earlier you made it seem like you cared, but you sluts just can't make up your minds. You wonder why everyone wants to be rid of you."
She pushes the blade of the shovel under my body. I instinctively grab the handle, holding on.
"Well… " Madysen says as she pushes her boot onto the lip of the shovel right under my hips. "You and your baby can be together... down there where you belong."
She shoves, and I roll off the edge.
Madysen is yanked forward by my weight, dropping onto her belly as she desperately holds onto the handle. For a second, I am swinging in the air, my hands gripped tight around the metal neck of the shovel, Madysen’s arm straining to hold the weight.
I look down.
It’s so far. I won't survive this. I look up at her, weeping.
Maybe if she could see my eyes, maybe if she could see how sorry I am, she'll have mercy.
She's going to pull me up any second now.
She just wants to scare me, that's all.
She's not actually going to let me fall.
Maybe there's a trampoline down there or something or water…
She wouldn't do this.
"Please," I whimper.
Madysen grimaces, her fingers slipping, and then she grins. "This was a nice shovel. But God will provide."
She opens her hand.
The pull of gravity is instant and violent. I’m falling fast, and the feeling of the drop seems like it will never end, my breath caught, lungs holding tight to my breath.
I’m still clutching the neck of the shovel, seeing it right in front of me as the air rushes past. My left arm and my legs flail in front of me as I fall backward into the empty space, and towa...