Chapter 2
Mr. Spearman,
Don’t forget tonight’s Gala at the Civic Center.
As the guest speaker, you can’t excuse yourself and send a big fat check in your place.
On Sunday, you have brunch with your family—your plane ticket is in your Inbox.
Per your request, I wrapped your brother’s present and left it on your desk.
Monday’s calendar has been updated. Mr. Lincoln wants to meet with you early next week.
As a reminder, I’ll be off for the next three months. My maternity leave starts next Monday. I can’t push it any longer. My due date was yesterday.
My replacement knows how to access your calendars, as well as your files, and has been shadowing me—online—for the past couple of weeks. You can contact Amy Walker, your temporary assistant, via phone, chat through the portal she provided, SMS, and email.
I sent you the information for the Virtual Assistant app. Once you sign in, it’ll prompt you to change your password. I saved your VA’s contact information on the database too. Be aware that the VA won’t do in-person tasks for you, but she’ll schedule them for you.
What does that mean for you?
She won’t bring you coffee. Zoe, the receptionist, can do that. It also means she won’t deliver your lunch at eleven with a small Pellegrino water. Ms. Walker works remotely. If you need anything, you have to contact her and ask to schedule the service, or order online.
Or, you can always use the Meals-on-Demand. It’s safe, they don’t care who you are. As long as you use the company account, no one will know it’s you.
I can’t stress enough the fact that I won’t be available for the next three months.
That’s ninety days. Please, refrain from contacting me—or I’ll quit.
VA-Everyday Services is one of the most prestigious and reliable companies.
They keep your information secure, and their assistants are college graduates.
Amy Walker’s qualifications exceed my own.
Please, be aware that if you lose her, you won’t have an assistant until I’m back.
Sincerely,
Carla Jones
P. S. Your welcome package from VA-Everyday is on your desk.
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Introduction
Friday, March 4th, 6:30 p.m.
Dear Mr. Spearman,
Thank you for choosing VA-Everyday Services for your business.
I’m Amy Walker, your Virtual Assistant. You can contact me via email, text or, better yet, send me a chat request through the VAES application.
If you haven’t yet, you can download it on your phone or sign in on your desktop. My screen name is AWalk90.
A little about myself. As I mentioned, my name is Amy. I’ve worked as a freelancer for eight years and as a virtual assistant for VAES for almost four. When I’m not working, I spend time with Ramen and Sushi. Reading is my passion, needlepoint a hobby, Pilates a necessity and yoga relaxes me.
To get to know you better, I have attached a questionnaire. Have a wonderful weekend.
Sincerely,
Amy
P. S. I hope you enjoy your welcome package.
From: J. Spearman
To: C. Jones
Subject: VA
Friday, March 4th, 9:30 p.m.
Find me a new assistant. You promised she wouldn’t invade my personal life.
Please see the attached questionnaire. Why would she want to know what my favorite food is?
I don’t want to tell anyone how many times a week I work out.
Did you give her my personal address? She wants to know if my doorman will receive my dry cleaning or if I have a cleaning service that can take care of the task.
I don’t need a personal assistant to know my favorite color, my favorite movie, or whether or not I have a pet.
You can’t expect me to put up with someone as intrusive as this woman.
She spends time with Sushi and Ramen. Does she know people aren’t food?
Is that a metaphor for something else? How old is she?
Not even my grandmother needlepoints, that’s for old people.
Pilates, yoga … did you hire me some hippie from the sixties?
My mom sounds younger than her. Maybe she’s one of those hipsters whose goals in life are to go to Tibet and become vegan. Find me a real person.
I need you back.
J. Spearman
From: C. Jones
To: J. Spearman.
Subject: Automatic reply: VA
Friday, March 4th, 9:30 p.m.
I will be out of the office from March 7th to June 10th. I won’t be checking my email. This email is being forwarded by an automated system. Please allow 24hrs to receive a response. If you need immediate assistance, please contact Amy Walker, awalker@
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: RE: VA
Friday, March 4th, 11:42 p.m.
Dear Mr. Spearman,
Carla won’t be available until June 10th.
If you have any immediate questions or concerns, you can contact me during business hours.
That’s 8 am to 5 pm MST. Any time worked outside those business hours will be billed as overtime—per contract.
To answer your question, the function of the questionnaire is to be able to better serve you.
A virtual assistant is like a personal assistant.
The only difference is that I’m not on location to meet your needs.
However, here at VAES, our commitment is to provide you with the best service we can.
In order to do that, we like to learn as much as possible about you and your work environment.
Please consider answering the questionnaire so I can serve you more efficiently.
I must address the following from the email you sent to Carla, your assistant:
“She spends time with sushi and ramen. Doesn’t she know people aren’t food?
Is that a metaphor for something else? How old is she?
Not even my grandmother knits, that’s for old people.
Pilates, yoga … did you hire me some hippie from the sixties?
My mom sounds younger than her. Maybe she’s one of those hipsters whose goal in life is to go to Tibet and don’t eat meat. Find me a real person.”
My cats are named Ramen and Sushi. I named them after my favorite foods.
I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt, but you sound ageist, Mr. Spearman.
Anyone can knit or needlepoint. If you must know, I’m twenty-eight.
I’m sure your mother is a lovely woman, but I’m much younger than her.
It’d be nice to visit Tibet, but it’s not on my to-do list since traveling isn’t an activity I partake in.
I enjoy meat as much as I enjoy vegetables. I must confess that I don’t care for pork, duck or any game. I prefer to eat fish, but I love my burgers too. I’ll take a juicy steak—medium rare—any day of the week.
Though the development of artificial intelligence continues to amaze me, I doubt that there’s an A.I. as efficient as I am.
I am real, Mr. Spearman.
Regards,
Amy Walker
From: J. Spearman
To: A. Walker
Subject: RE: VA
Saturday, March 5th, 12:22 a.m.
Dear Ms. Walker,
The beauty of A.I. technology is that it doesn’t ask too many questions. They’re programmed to help users without being intrusive. I can’t wait for technology to catch up with the needs of consumers like myself.
If you’re as efficient as you claim, I expect you to do your job without asking indiscreet questions like the ones you sent me earlier today.
Who names their animals after food? That should be considered animal abuse.
Who doesn’t like to travel? My grandmother is in Patagonia with my grandfather, enjoying her life.
You should try it. I guarantee you that I’m not an ageist. No healthy twenty-eight-year-old knits as a hobby.
Is that all you do? Yoga, Pilates, work, and knit.
I assure you people older than you do a lot more than that.
Sincerely,
J. Spearman
From: A. Walker
To: J. Spearman
Subject: Judging
Saturday, March 5th, 12:56 a.m.
We live in a free country where each individual can name their pets anything they want. There’s nothing wrong with naming my cats Ramen and Sushi. Do you have pets? I bet you don’t. But if you did, you’d get a Labrador Retriever and name him something like Bear, Rocky, Chopper, or Sparky.
I’m pretty efficient. So efficient that I could research your life and find out the answers I need if I wanted to. Unfortunately, I signed an NDA and other paperwork that stops me from doing so, in other words, I have to abide by the information you and your assistant provide.
What are you hiding, Mr. Spearman?
Clearly, you’re a private person and feel uncomfortable answering personal questions. Carla warned me you’d be difficult. This is precisely why you were assigned to me. I promise you, your stubbornness won’t stop me from performing at a hundred percent.
The implications of traveling are far too complicated for me to try to visit other places. I’m not a fan of long car rides. There are other forms of transportation, trains, planes, and boats.
Did you hear about the Titanic?
Planes are on my not to-do list. Do you know that when a plane crashes, there are no survivors? Only one aircraft has ever been able to crash land without losing a passenger.
Needlepoint and knitting are relaxing activities. I can listen to audiobooks, knit, and watch television all at the same time. You should try it. Do you have some kind of maternal issue we should be working on?
Would you like me to find you a therapist?
How do you know what all twenty-eight-year-old women do during their free time?
You run a company which designs and manufactures computer parts.
Why can’t I find any pictures of you on your website?
I didn’t research you. Your website has your bio, and attached to it there’s a picture of a building. Most people add their image to the bio. Unless … you are a building?
Do you study female behavior during your free time? Maybe you’re building the next generation of A.I. technology and trying to replace twenty-eight-year-old women.
Do you even have a hobby and favorite food, Mr. Spearman?