Chapter 16
STERLING
On Sunday, after a long sleepless night, I head to the gym. Beckett and Clark, two of my bodyguards, are already working out. We don’t say much for a couple of hours but on our way out Beckett asks, “You still plan on going to Steamboat?”
No.
A smart man would stay away from a woman like Juniper Spearman. She’s dangerous. A unique subspecies with multiple layers that I’m about to peel. Apparently, Dad was right, I don’t use my head. If I did, I’d run the other way.
She makes me want a lot of things, like pushing her against the wall and fucking her until she screams my name. I should fuck her today so I can find peace and make her leave tomorrow.
Who needs a woman like Juniper Spearman?
Yeah, she’s cute. Maybe beautiful and tall enough that if I wanted, I’d only have to bend my head slightly to kiss those full, pink lips.
I’m contradicting myself every second of the day.
“No. I think the trip is a waste of time,” I answer. “It’s better if she leaves as soon as we furnish the house. Make sure that happens no later than Wednesday.”
He nods. “Call if you need us.”
I salute him and board the elevator. As I enter my place, I take a step back. There’re piles of papers on the floor. Who’s the messy person now?
After another glance, I realize there’s a pattern. I pick up one of the documents and I feel my face scrunching as I read it.
Donor No. B893028 and there’s a description of a guy.
“Is this like Tinder for people with OCD?” I ask as I step closer to where she sits. “Or maybe you’re matching your DNA instead of your personality?”
“This is a private matter,” she says, staring at her notebook and then the piles.
“What are you looking for, a mail-order husband or just their juices?”
“Again, this is private,” she says without looking at me.
“Honey, if you want a good time, I can give it to you …” I offer and walk to the kitchen counter where there’s even more stuff.
The header of a fertility clinic grabs my attention. I look at it and whistle when I see the cost for each thing listed. Semen, artificial insemination, IVF … “Free of charge,” I finish my sentence.
Hey, she’s hot and sex with her is fucking amazing.
If that’s what she wants I’m willing to start a new agreement.
Instead of one night, one month. Or we can fuck for as long as she wants.
Just, without the baby part. I’d love to fulfill her fantasies.
I bet she has never let herself go and had some fun with sex.
I put the paper down though and push away my own fantasies. She wants something serious—too serious. A kid. That’s what she’s been talking about. Her one-year plan. Well, she might want to rethink it because children take about a lifetime.
A child is a big commitment. I might hate my father—the same way he hated me—but we have so much in common.
Neither one of us can love or care for another being.
Dear old Dad was an asshole. I’m just as heartless as him.
All these men would be better suited than me. Who the fuck would want my genes?
Her list of thirty things to do in thirty days is also on top of the counter. I cringe when I see do something good for someone.
Suddenly, shit has gotten real and my blood freezes. “Wait, I thought you said you couldn’t have children?”
She finally looks at me, her eyes are red and I’m pretty sure she’s been crying.
“It’s close to impossible. I was seventeen when the doctor diagnosed me with PCOS.
That’s polycystic ovarian syndrome,” she explains.
“He said it wouldn’t be impossible, but it’d be hard to have children.
The older I get, the harder it is. I’ve been doing a lot of research and artificial insemination is the first step.
I think I have the perfect candidate. I’ve been taking hormones to ensure that I ovulate.
Still, the chances of me getting pregnant with the procedure are low.
If the first two treatments don’t work, they’ll harvest my eggs, fertilize them, and implant them once they’re ready. ”
She gives me a sad smile. “I know it sounds crazy.”
Everything she’s been saying makes sense. She’s searching for what makes her happy. She doesn’t sit down on her ass and wait for life to happen. Still, she doesn’t enjoy life either.
“Of course not, this explains so much.”
“I tried you know,” she says, and I frown. “I tried to have a family the conventional way. Mom says the words ‘you can’t’ are my motivation and my downfall.”
“What does that mean?”
“Since I was young, I had to show everyone I could do anything. I obsess so much I lose myself inside the projects and lose track of what matters. Hence, I’m taking a couple of years off to try to learn how to balance my career and motherhood.”
I grab the piles of documents she has on the floor carefully and set them on the counter. Seems like a cold way to make her dreams come true and yet, I admire her for finding a way to make it happen for herself.
Where do I fit in this project? I’m not sure, but I want to help her create that family. Maybe I can have my security team track these men. They might be anonymous but there’s always some paper trail lingering around and my men can figure out if they are who they said in the questionnaire.
“You’re not judging me for not having a husband or someone to raise a kid with,” she speaks.
“Are you judging yourself for that?”
She shakes her head. “It’d be nice to have someone.
I see my two older brothers and my twin sister with their significant others and I want it.
Of the five of us, I was the one who couldn’t be alone.
Since I turned fifteen, I’ve had a boyfriend.
My brothers called me a serial monogamist. I gave up because love seems to elude me.
The feeling of loneliness though, that follows me around everywhere. ”
“Do you think a kid will come to fill the emptiness?”
“No, but this kid would be someone I can love unconditionally, forever. That’s all I want to do you know, have a family I can love and care for. I’m done waiting for a guy that will see past my personality.”
“Sweetheart, if they can’t see how amazing you are, they don’t deserve you.” I take the papers and go for a bottle of scotch. “Let’s make a toast so you can find the right guy to make babies. Well, the right donor. We’re going to go through every one of these profiles and find you the right guy.”
She looks at me and suddenly she bursts into tears.
“What did I say?”
“What if it doesn't work out?”
I put everything down, take her into my arms, and hug her tightly. Fuck if I don’t want to fix everything for her. I lift her chin and brush her lips slightly.
“There are plenty of ways to have a child, a family. You can be a foster parent and you can adopt children; there are so many that need love. Just keep that in mind.”
“Single woman, remember?” She points at herself.
“I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it’s harder to get approved to be anything.
It’s painful enough to be let down by my body.
Adding a bunch of bureaucrats will kill me.
I couldn’t stand to hear that I’m not enough for a kid who needs me just as much as I need them.
They’d rather keep the kid in the system than give it to someone like me.
I’ve gotten too many rejections in this life, but I’ll keep it in mind. ”
“Hey, don’t cry, we’ll make it happen,” I assure her. “And you’ll be the best fucking mom ever.”
Between sobs she says, “I’ll just try to be as great as mine. She’s amazing. Even with five children, she makes us feel that we’re special. We never lacked attention or love. I’m not asking for five, I just want the one, you know. Or those little kids I saw when I almost froze.”
I move us to the dining table and sit with her on my lap. For a while, I let her cry while I hold her and assure her that everything will be fine.
“Why am I even crying?” she asks, mumbling and sniffing.