Chapter 18
HANNAH
The flight gave me a lot of time to think things through. Did I really just leave my life behind and take off without much direction?
In the process, I might have just destroyed one of my careers.
The dean told me I could leave for the rest of the semester, but he couldn’t promise to keep my position available afterward.
I’ll have to talk to him about extending my leave in April.
I have the feeling he’s trying to fill my position before he lets me go.
I argued that everyone takes a sabbatical. He argued that I sprung it on him, and I’m not that seasoned. I’m at the bottom of the tenure track. Meaning, I’m the first one to go if there are any job cuts.
Perhaps I should have fought him for my job. I just didn’t have the fight in me to remind him that my classes have a big waitlist. Not to mention, I’m one of the few professors who everyone likes. What am I going to do if I lose my teaching job?
As I left behind everything and everyone I care about, I realized that I didn’t have a real plan or a board to guide me. My life is gone…and I’m not sure what I’ll come back to once this sabbatical is over.
The scariest question is if I’ll still fit in everyone’s life when I’m back. It’s happened with my parents and my younger siblings. They have inside jokes I don’t understand because I’ve been away for too long.
The everyday calls and texts aren’t enough when you’re not a part of their daily routine. It doesn’t mean they don’t love me; I’m just not part of the core. My gut fills with terror. What if I can’t put myself back together?
I suck in a deep breath and pull my laptop out of the case. The convenience of letting Tucker send me on a private plane is that I can have as many panic attacks as possible. I need a strategy, urgently. My first order of business is to become emotionally stable.
But can I do it?