Chapter 19 Finding Yourself in an Ocean of Uncertainty
FINDING YOURSELF IN AN OCEAN OF UNCERTAINTY
By Hannah Bell
When the year started, I wasn’t sure how things would go for me.
I made only one resolution. By mid-February, I broke it.
My plan failed because I didn’t take into account my habits.
See, repetition develops into a habit. A habit repeated frequently becomes a reflex.
That’s why my resolution went out the window.
By reflex, I mean, I had sex with the same guy who I’ve been with on and off for some time.
I claimed it to be an accident. But, it’s evident that after the second time, it wasn’t.
It’s a habit. A bad habit. We’re a reflex.
It’s now clear that no matter how many times I make a resolution, I won’t follow through until I act with conviction.
All these years, I’ve been discouraged by the results of what doesn’t happen in my life. The thing is, I realized I have to take real action. There’s a difference between writing down my life plan and acting to create a better future.
Change is an action, not a wish.
My life can’t continue like this. You know that saying, ‘those who can’t, teach’?
Every semester, while I’m in front of my students, I try to teach them more than literature. I also try to open the world to them, teach them to think for themselves and to take charge of their lives.
But that’s something I haven’t done for myself in a long time.
I’ve been hiding from the world in plain sight.
My life has become so stagnant that it flat out terrifies me.
It's not as bad as pushing me to the point of losing my identity and sense of direction. But if I’m not careful, it might happen.
I won’t let the past stop me from achieving my dreams, fulfilling my hopes, and finding a future I can enjoy.
After receiving some news that pushed me emotionally into the ground, I’ve decided to pick myself up, dust off the dirt I picked up during the fall and move on.
I’m in a transition period. A stage of self-discovery.
And I hope that during this time, I can learn something, not only from myself, but from nature and everyone I meet.
The most important thing I want to carry with me after all is said and done are the lessons I learned about loving myself above everything.
Until Next Time