Chapter 25 Healing Is A Process
HEALING IS A PROCESS
By Hannah Bell
“Pain reminds you that you’re still alive.” A. Spearman
We try to avoid pain the same way we try to avoid Mondays. Although it’s impossible to dodge, either—even when you try hard.
I’ve been trapped in denial and anger for years. I haven’t acknowledged my feelings. Rehab only helped me control my anxiety and my depression. Still, after I left, I didn’t continue to heal. Instead of finding a therapist, I lived in denial, pretending everything was alright.
Avoiding the places that reminded me of the people I lost and the pain they inflicted, because not feeling was the best medicine.
Wrong.
This journey has been illuminating and fulfilling, and I’m not even halfway through it. Right now, I wish someone could be here to wrap their arms around me and make me feel safe.
It was a mature step to do this on my own, but I wish Mom and Dad were close enough, just in case I needed them. I wish someone was here just to reassure me that I’ll get through this.
All I have is a purple sweatshirt with a snowboarding unicorn to remind me that I have a friend thinking of me. Rooting for me.
What’s keeping me going is what I’m learning about myself: knowing that, soon, everything will be bright again.
I’m not feeling one hundred percent well, yet.
Little by little, things are shifting inside me.
I’m holding onto this hope. I’m working hard, writing everything I am living, and learning.
Maybe I lost something important to me, but I know that there’s a lot more I can do to make this place a better world.
Last week, I was helping at a farm. I remembered how much I loved to work with Mom in her flower shop or in the greenhouse. And wouldn’t it be spectacular to go back to school and study something related to plants?
While I write in my journals, I have to remind myself that healing doesn’t mean forgetting.
It means that the memories, the pain, the people who hurt me no longer control me—or my life.
The wounds are finally closing. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll still have a scar or two.
Reminders of what I lived, what I fought, and what I survived.
It’s amazing how the words of a friend can change your life. Today, I’m healing, and I’m grateful for the people who have come into my life.
Tomorrow, when things look different, I’ll take on the world and decide what I want for my future. I know in my heart that there’s still so much to do and so much to dream. Everything will be alright. If you’re on a journey like mine, remember: I’m here holding your hand and thinking of you.
Until Next Time