Chapter 43
ALEX
This was supposed to be a foolproof plan. Granted, I didn’t think about Mom while I made the calls and convinced my brothers to keep a lid on my visit. June’s efficiency and fast delivery comes from our mother. When we arrived, Mom had already organized my birthday party.
What I thought would be a quiet reunion where Hannah and June could catch up became all about...me. I didn’t hate it, but it was anything but what I wanted it to be.
You know what’s strangely fulfilling?
Knowing that I made Hannah happy in spite of my mom’s intrusion. Don’t get me wrong, I love my mother, and I appreciate her. But did she really have to make this about me? This is exactly why everyone insists I’m a mama’s boy.
Hannah is happy yet weary since we left.
It’s like she can’t allow herself to trust me.
I feel her intense gaze, and I try to ignore her while we take off.
Once the pilot announces we’re allowed to walk around the cabin, I glance at her.
Her mouth moves, but I can’t hear over the music.
Any other day, I’d just ignore her, but tonight isn’t a good time to play dumb.
“Sorry, noise-canceling,” I declare, once I take off one of them.
She huffs. “So, you became a spectator, and I’m just making a fool of myself?”
There she is. My feisty unicorn doesn’t let things go easily until she understands them or she’s in charge. Which, let’s be honest, she is in charge of this relationship.
Can we even call this a relationship?
We’re not each other’s booty call, but when the opportunity arises, it happens. What are we? I’m hoping that by the end of her experiment, we’re more. There’s always our history to factor into the outcome, though. She might just write me off and push me away—forever.
“I get it, it’s hard to trust me after everything that’s happened between us,” I say, sounding as calm and as honest as I can. “But there’s no game. You’re the one fighting the urge to kiss me.”
“You don’t know me.”
She swears I don’t know her. I do. It’s scary and yet satisfying to confess that by now I know her better than I know myself.
“Nine months writing about our mistakes, our fears, our dreams, and our history is plenty to know who we are,” I assure her.
“I’m here. Nothing has changed. I’m exactly the same guy who wrote to you about the scariest day of his life.
My battles. My passions. You know my likes and dislikes.
I’m the guy who’s been not only reading but listening to every word you write.
Because I now can read between the lines. ”
She studies me for several beats, and I hold my breath for as long as she remains silent.
“Are you helping me or trying to make me fall for you?”
My brain searches for the right answer. Any answer that’d keep me close to her. I feel like I’m standing in quicksand, and there’s nothing I can hold onto to pull me out of it. If I move too fast, I’ll drown; if I don’t move, I’ll eventually drown as well.
I’ve got nothing. There’s no right answer for Hannah. She’s trying to pull away from me, and anything I say will do the trick. She looks at me expectantly.
“What do you want?” I ask, hoping it’ll buy me some time.
Resisting the urge to just avoid the words and give into the attraction, I realize that’s what she’s expecting. To be the same guy she left behind. She’s afraid of who I became during the time she was gone. The guy who gives a fuck about her feelings more than he cares about himself scares her.
She’s terrified.
I know because I’m equally terrified of her.
“It’s not a game,” I explain, trying to erase the bewilderment in her expression. “There’re no rules. Honest to goodness, I saw another side of you that I like.”
More like I think I’ve been falling in love with you.
“I thought we became friends. As a friend, I’m offering to help you. I have fun with you. If you fall for me—”
“That won’t happen,” she interrupts me. “We’ve never been good together.”
She pauses, pressing her lips together. Her eyes avoid mine, and the silence is deafening.
“Look, I like you and I enjoyed our letters. A lot. The guy from the letters and I are close. Sometimes I feel closer to him than anyone else. The thing is, I can’t put the two of you together. It’s hard.”
“Which is understandable; for years, I made an ass of myself when you were around,” I offer.
“You were fun, too,” she comments casually. “I think we have to stick to being friends, don’t you agree?”
“How many times do we have to confirm that we’re friends?” I ask curiously. “Do you need my lawyer to draw a document establishing our status?”
She rolls her eyes.
“No, really. We can always friend each other on Facebook,” I press, trying not to laugh.
“Do you have a Facebook account?”
“Nah, I don’t touch social media. I think I still have my Instagram account. June’s the one who used to handle it.”
She laughs and relaxes. “Okay then, we’ll have to trust the old way since neither one of us has an app where we can show our friendship ribbon.”
“Thank you for today. Seeing June was good. Meeting those little ones was the highlight of my week,” she says.
“I thought it was stargazing?”
Her lips part, those doe eyes stare at my mouth.
I know, it was almost perfect. If only we had kissed.
“Well, we can fly to see her anytime,” I say, changing the subject.
“I feel bad because I’ve only called my parents and haven’t seen them yet.”
“Do you want to visit them?”
She bites her lip and shakes her head. “I’m not ready. There’s the whole going back to the place where I swore I’d never go again.”
“Whenever you’re ready, we can visit them. It’s a short two-hour flight,” I offer.
“What about the kids?”
I chuckle. “They’ll be taken care of, it’s a one-day trip. We don’t need to stay.”
“Can I think about it?”
I nod.
During the flight, my sister and I are texting. More like she’s trying to satiate her curiosity.
June: Are you coming back for your birthday?
Alex: I’m not sure, June. But what’s the point, you guys already had your cake and pictures?
June: Well, Jack said you might not come. Mom wanted to be proactive. Help me prove him wrong.
These two are always fighting about who is wrong and who is right. Also, who is better.
Alex: You two are too old to behave this way. Leave me out of it, okay?
June: What’s going on between you and Hannah?
Alex: Thank you for making this day magical, brother.
June: I’m serious, Alexander.
June: Stay away from her. That’s an order.
There’re so many ways to answer this last text.
Pissing her off is fun. However, my stand with Hannah would be jeopardized if I make a wrong move.
Say the wrong thing. Anything can spook her, so I have to be careful.
The answer to her question was, I am hoping to make you fall for me. But it’s not what she wants to hear.
The one person who can fuck this and the rest of my life up is June.
Alex: You told me to keep an eye on her.
June: If you hurt her, I'll make the rest of your life miserable.
Alex: So, just another day in the life of the Spearman family.
June: She’s in a vulnerable place, and for the first time since I met her, she’s open to meeting a guy. Don’t fuck it up.
“Your sister thinks there’s something going on between us,” Hannah says, staring at her phone. “Seriously, now that there’s nothing, she’s suspicious.”
She laughs, I don’t join her.
Instead, I ask, “Was there something between us?”
“Are you playing dumb?”
“I remember you saying, ‘it’s just sex, Alexander.’”
“For starters, I don’t sound like a whiney boy,” she complains. “Second, she never caught us.”
“How did we manage to keep that away from her?” I ask, puzzled, because my sister is too intuitive.
Hannah shrugs and yawns. “I wouldn’t want her to kill you,” she says, winking at me. “You’re worth saving for the next time.”
I’m mildly terrified by her comment. Sex with Hannah is incredible, don’t get me wrong. Also, sex with Hannah is an excuse for her to write me off. If I slip, she’ll push me back to her hate list. And it’ll be a hell of a fight to work my way onto her list of friends—again.
Those big brown eyes study me, they’re waiting for me to make my move. Her strategy is turning me back into the guy she hates. God give me strength.
“Fine, you want to make this a game, let’s do it. I won’t sleep with you unless it’s for the right reasons,” I state. “We’re going on dates—planned by me. More importantly, you’re not hiding from me.”
I don’t wait for her to say a word; I put on my earbuds and ignore her for the rest of the flight.
I unclip Bruno’s leash from his collar, and as I’m about to punch the code in to open Hannah’s apartment, she swings the door open.
She’s holding a cupcake that has a lit candle on top of it.
“Happy Birthday to you…” Her singing is like a siren’s call.
I’ve heard her sing with her band but never live. Listening to her melodic voice is making my heart thunder inside my chest.
“Make a wish,” she says.
Sucked into the charm of her messy hair, bedroom eyes, and pouty mouth, I make a wish. For her to become my forever person. To share more of these little moments when she sings just for me. When I’m the only person she sees.
This moment is everything I need for my birthday. Her, breathing light into my life. I wish we could stay like this. The two of us, sharing everything.
“Blow out the candle,” she whispers.
She smears frosting on top of my nose before giving me the cupcake. I try to catch up with her because all I need today is to have her in my arms. Before I do it, she gives me a big box.
“It’s a little thing, but I thought you’d enjoy it.”
When I open it, it’s a framed picture of me flying through the air. The caption reads Alex Spearman, Men's FIS Snowboard Slopestyle World Cup.
“Where did you get this?”
She shrugs. “I have my people.”
“This is rad, you know?”
“What do you want to do today?”
You. All I need is you and my bed—or any surface.
But I don’t say anything because the real wish wouldn’t come true.
“What are you up to?” I respond with a question.
Her eyes seem to blaze at me. Yep, we’re both hungry, and there’s a lot at stake that I won’t jeopardize.
“Wine?” she asks.
“It’s my birthday, not yours.”
She chuckles. “Tahoe is only a few hours away. The season is still on.”
My heart slows its beating because we wanted something more. Though fresh powder is the second best thing after Hannah in my arms.
“Get ready, I think Steamboat might be a better idea.”
For my birthday, we had an unspoken agreement. Hannah wasn’t trying to seduce me. I chilled while enjoying the slopes. She’s pretty good at keeping up with me. That was a week ago, though. The day after, she began a full-blown campaign to make my life miserable.
Hannah doesn’t care much about clothing. She’s happy in comfortable clothes. Except for the past three dates, she’s been wearing skintight dresses and high heels.
Last night, it took all my self-control not to touch her. She’s bringing her A game. Her attire when she’s at home isn’t any different. When I come back from my daily run to drop off Bruno, she’s doing ballet warmups.
“Did you search for the word torture in the dictionary?” I ask Hannah, as I unhook the leash from Bruno’s collar.
She turns to look at me with a triumphant smile. “Tor-ture. Noun. The action of making someone’s life a living hell or punishing that someone, for the pleasure of the person inflicting the pain.”
“At least you know what you’re doing,” I say.
When she turns around, my eyes bulge. My dick becomes granite.
“Can you at least put some clothes on? That shirt barely covers your torso.”
I lick my lips. I want to lick her flower tattoo as much as I’m dying to suck on her tits.
“This is my house,” she announces. “The fact that you think you can come in and out at your leisure doesn’t change a thing. I can dress or undress because it’s my place.”
Her challenging smirk pushes me to control myself. She’s my worst enemy.
“You’re underestimating me,” I tell her. “I’ve won medals under worse conditions.”
She shrugs. “I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, you do. I get it, you’re trying to show me I’m weak and haven’t changed. Do I want to tear your shirt, strip you bare, and push myself inside you?”
After a couple of deep exhales, I march toward the door. “If the circumstances were different, yes, I would love to do that and much more. But I want something different.”
“Different?” she asks, confused. “It’s sex, Alex.”
“The next time we’re together, it’ll be because we recovered the magic we shared in Paris.” I keep a steady voice. My gaze doesn’t release hers. “A girl and a guy baring everything, including their souls. If I let the need win, I’ll never get you back. I had you that night, Hannah.”
“You never had me,” she claims.
“Let’s not lie to ourselves,” I say. “You’re pissed because I fucked up our first time. I learned from that mistake. There’s a slight possibility that you might let me back in again. I won’t fuck this up.”
“You should give up while you’re ahead,” she advises.
I fume. “No matter how many times I apologize, you won’t forgive me. I get it. The point is that I won’t jeopardize losing you. If this doesn’t work, at least I want to preserve our friendship.”
She gives me a startled look. I could walk away, but instead, I wait for her next move. We stare at each other for several minutes. Neither one says a word.
“It’d be easier if you just leave me alone,” she insists. “We know this won’t work.”
I smirk. “Giving up so soon?”
I like games.
I like to play.
Most of my life, I’ve excelled at everything because I find the right strategy to win and make things happen. Now, I realize things with Hannah have been just like that.
We play, we both win and lose. This time, I want us to win. She made me want to give her the partner she deserves. All I want is her heart, to spend the rest of my life with her.
She shakes her head. “You’re impossible.”
“See you at six,” I announce. “My day is swamped with meetings, but once I’m done, it’s just the two of us.”
“Where are we going?”
I smirk. “Wouldn’t you like to know.”