Chapter 44
HANNAH
I brace myself before I make the call. It’s been a long time since I talked to my maternal grandmother. My grandfather died when I was seventeen. Grandma called me. We had a pleasant conversation, but the conversation ended with, “Call your mother. Above all, she’s the one who gave you life.”
I’ve avoided her for years. Now that Alicia is gone, I feel like we can reconnect. We should reconnect. Tess and I are all the family she has left. But when I dial her number, there’s an automated message saying the phone has been disconnected. I try a couple more times before I contact Tucker.
Hannah: Can you check my grandmother’s phone? It’s been disconnected.
Tuck: One of these days, my uncle is going to take away my credentials, and I won’t be able to access this kind of information.
Hannah: Sorry, I just need to know where to reach her.
It takes a couple of minutes for him to answer.
Tuck: Where are you?
Hannah: At home.
My phone rings, Tuck’s name appears on the screen along with his picture.
“Hey.”
“I’m sorry, Nana,” he says, with such a soft voice, it almost breaks my heart. “She died a couple of years ago.”
“No,” I sniff. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, sorry,” he says. “Do you need me?”
I wipe the tears with the back of my hand. “No, that’s fine. I...can you find out where Alicia buried her?”
“You got it, I’ll send you that later, I need to step into a meeting,” he says annoyed.
“Everything okay?”
“My parents are on my case. Apparently, I’m partying too much.”
“You are partying a lot,” I agree, chuckling. “You just went to Cancun this weekend.”
“It wasn’t great. You should’ve come with us.”
“Alex and I…we’re working on my dating article,” I explain without going into detail. “Next time you guys want to party, come over to visit me.”
“You don’t want us near Alex.” He laughs. “Rocco is having a hard time. I’m just keeping an eye on him.”
“That doesn’t sound good. Please, behave, okay? I’ll try to call him later today to find out what’s happening. I might be able to help.”
After hanging up with him, I call Sadie.
“Hey, sweetie, how are you doing? I was just rereading your series on East-Bali. You need to tell me more about it,” she greets me, and I’m stunned by her voice.
I’m not sure what to tell her because it sounds like she wants happy, cheerful Hannah.
My heart is breaking, and I can’t be who she wants me to be.
My grandmother died, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.
Even when her daughter was terrible, she was kind to us.
She cared for Tess and me when my mother didn’t want to look after us or would decide to take off because she couldn’t deal with us.
“Hannah?”
“Mhmm,” I say, not knowing where to start or even if I should tell her anything.
“What’s happening?” Sadie asks.
Everything?
Alex, the dating nonsense, I can’t find a job…suddenly, I have too many thoughts inside my head, and I’m not even sure where I want to start. I thought this trip would help me be better in ways I haven’t been in a long time.
Now that I’m back, I’m not sure how to apply what I learned. There’s also Alex. He changed so much and I…or maybe he didn’t change and I’ve just noticed he’s an incredible guy. I wrote him off because he hurt me during our first night together.
I touch my lips because I can still feel it, our first kiss. It was unexpected, but everything a kiss should have. Tenderness, sweetness, drive, need… I trusted him and gave him so much, but he turned the fire into ice within seconds after we...
“Thank you, this was great,” he said with a cold voice. His eyes vacant.
I felt used, hurt, and empty. He destroyed the little humanity I had left. Tossed it away like it didn’t matter. Now he wants what we shared in France.
France was make-believe. A fairy tale with a never again ending.
“Hannah?”
“I just wanted to see how you’re doing,” I say, trying to hide the pain in my voice.
“Well, I’m just about to head out to the flower shop,” she says.
I recall what Alex said last night, that we could visit them anytime I want. It’s a two-hour flight. Today, I wish I could just jump on a plane and spend the day with her, making flower bouquets, talking about everything and nothing.
Spend time with her the way it used to be when I was nine. I want to turn back time for one day, to a time when things were less complicated, and I only had to worry about getting good grades.
“I miss you, just wanted to say hi. Maybe I’ll call you later when…I have a few other calls to make. I still don’t know what I’m going to do the next semester.”
“I’m always here for you, okay? Call me.”
When the call ends, I cry even harder. I’m not sure what to do, and this time, I can’t blame my parents for fucking up my life. It’s all on me.
I feel the need to call Tess, but she’s always busy with her kids, her job, and her husband. What do I have?
Avoiding life for ten years—almost eleven--- has given me nothing. I lost my job. I don’t have kids—not that I want any right now. The only guy who seems interested in me might get tired and walk away once he reaches his goal. Alex never sticks to one thing.
Suddenly, everything that I need to fix feels like a wall of bricks crumbling around me.
My head spins. I need to shut everything down before I do something stupid.
Maybe I should try therapy again. I went, dissected my life, discovered myself, but I don’t see how I can apply what I want to my future.
My future… Alex? He’s so patient, and wouldn’t it be amazing to have him in my life permanently?
Hannah: No games?
I pace around the apartment, looking at my phone. He’s not responding.
Alex: …
My hand clenches the phone. Is he kidding me? What does three dots mean?
Alex: …
“What the fuck, Alex?” I grunt when he does it again.
Hannah: I need an answer.
Alex: Are you okay?
“Of course, I’m not okay.” Bruno and Draco walk over to where I stand and stare at me.
“I’m not losing my shit,” I defend myself. “You two wouldn’t understand.”
I shake my head and stare at the phone. Why am I texting him? Because I want that girl and that guy to have a real chance.
Hannah: No. I just realized I’m stuck. I left, and when I came back, everything changed.
Alex: What happened?
Hannah: I can’t connect with people. My parents are far away, and I don’t think I’ll ever get them back. When we visited June…she’s gone.
Alex: Both of them are only two hours away. You say the word and I’ll fly you to your family or to June.
Hannah: That’s not the point. June’s going to make friends with other moms and then there’s my family. We…
Alex: You’re one of June’s favorite people. She chose you over Jeannette to be her maid of honor. That’s huge. You’re like a sister to her—family.
Hannah: I can’t connect with Sadie. I called her, and I froze.
Alex: What happened?
Hannah: I wanted to talk with her the way we used to when I was younger. We’d be in the greenhouse talking about the guys I liked, or the subjects I hated in school. She knew everything about me and now…also, my grandmother died.
The door of my apartment swings wide open, and Alex is right there, looking at me with a worried face.
“I’m sorry about your grandma,” he says, shutting the door and reaching me. “What can I do?”
I toss my arms around his neck and let him hug me tightly. When he hugs me back, I feel the tension dissolve, melting as he embraces me. This is what I needed all along, his arms. I close my eyes, stand a little closer, and take him all.
“Fuck, I missed you, unicorn,” he whispers, almost swallowing me with his steel-like arms. “What happened to your grandmother?”
“She died a couple of years ago, and I didn’t get to say goodbye.” I cry, and between sobs, I tell him about her and my grandfather.
“I tried to call Sadie, but I couldn’t tell her. It’s like I just can’t connect with anyone,” I repeat. “There’re so many thoughts chasing around my head. You and I…”
“No games,” he whispers, leaning forward.
His lips are so close to me, I can almost taste them. I know what he’s waiting for. For me to lean into it, and I do it. I tug his head down and give him a slight peck, our lips barely touch.
“I missed you,” I whisper.
“Missed you more,” he mumbles, and his hands come to my waist.
Our mouths fuse. His hand travels up and down my spine, sending small shocks of electricity through my bare skin. Suddenly, he stops.
“Alex,” I whisper, missing his lips.
He leans his forehead against mine. “Are you finally giving us a chance?”
“You want something different,” I say weakly.
“No, I need you. Just you. If you’re not ready, that’s okay. I’ll wait. You don’t see it, but you’ve become the biggest part of me. I want every part of you.”
“And here you had me thinking all these years that you don’t believe in the whole romance thing.”
He shrugs, releasing me. “Are we trying to divert attention from the moment?”
“Alex, did you read your last letter?”
He crosses his arms.
“It was intense. You want… what if it’s not possible?”
“You’re possible,” he says, leaning forward. “Don’t push me away.”
As I’m about to talk, my phone rings and then buzzes.
“Leave it, you can check it once we’re done discussing this,” he orders.
But my phone continues its relentless ringing and buzzing from the coffee table.
“At least let me check who it is,” I request and reach for my phone.
Zeke: I fucked up!
I grunt because when he fucks up things get out of control.
Ethan: 9-1-1
Rocco: Shit hit the fan.
“Hey,” I answer when Ethan calls again.
“I need you here.”
“What happened?”
“We had an active volcano,” he says, making no sense whatsoever. “I knew it was going to erupt. I was just hoping that it wouldn’t happen. Thousands of active volcanos remain quiet for decades.”
“Who’s the volcano?”
“I’m not sure…Rocco, maybe Zeke. Does it matter? We need you.”
“Okay, let me pack my things and book a flight,” I say. “Unless you can send me a plane.”
“We don’t have access to the Deckers’ assets anymore,” he states, and I gasp.
It’s not like we need them, but that means Tucker had a fight with his family.
“Where do you need to go?” Alex asks.
“Seattle,” I sigh, because I don’t want to go, but I have to be there.
“See you in a couple of hours, Eth,” I say, before hanging up.
I text the one person who hasn’t reached out. He’s either bottling things up or doing damage control.
Hannah: Are you okay?
Tuck: I’ll be fine, just not sure what I’m going to do.
Hannah: What happened?
Tuck: Google my name. It’s bad. Fucking bad.
“The plane will be ready when we arrive at the airport,” Alex announces. “How long are we staying there?”
“You have meetings.”
“I’m coming, Hannah. It’s your first-time back home.”
Clasping his forearm, I say, “Thank you. This means a lot to me. We should pack for a couple of days. Let me text my parents. We’ll drop the kids off with them as soon as we arrive.”
Hannah: Coming home, I’m bringing Bruno and Draco with me. Attaching Bruno’s pic, so you can meet him.
Dad: How involved are you with this fucking mess?
Hannah: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dad: Tucker and company. That’s why you’re coming, right?
Hannah: They only told me things are bad, and they need me.
Mom: We’ll make sure Duncan gets you a helicopter, so you can land on our helipad. The last thing you need is the paparazzi knowing you’re back home.
Hannah: Thank you, Mom. Did you guys know my grandmother died?
Dad: No, I haven’t heard from Alicia’s family since your grandfather died.
June: Do you need me?
“Your sister is texting me. Did you tell her something?”
Alex shakes his head but shows me his phone. “I’m so fucking glad you didn’t go to Cancun. Drugs, prostitutes, and Tucker’s mom was a wild child actress?”
I grunt because they never miss a chance to bring his mom into his bad publicity.
Hannah: Why are you asking?
June: Your friends are trending and not in a good way. A few places are adding the question, is the famous Nana involved?
I grunt.
Hannah: I’m not involved, though, I’m on my way to Seattle.
June: That’s scary. Is Alex around?
“She’s asking me if you’re around?”
“Just answer with the truth, Hannah.”
I sigh.
Hannah: Yes.
Before I hit send, he’s on the phone with her. “What do you need, June? Yeah, I saw it. She is, and I’m going with her. Of course, we’re taking my jet. I’ll call you when I know more, I promise. I’m taking care of her, okay?”
He smiles and pulls me into a hug. “I’ll protect her with my life, June. No, there’s nothing between us because your friend is stubborn.” He laughs. “You can do your best, little sister. Bye.”
June: Stay safe…we’ll talk about my brother when you get home. He has a girlfriend, you know.
Hannah: No, he doesn’t. I haven’t said yes. Thank you for worrying about me. Love you.