Chapter 16
Kennedy
For the rest of the week, I spoke to both Elijah and Jasper on the phone, and the more we talked, the more certain I was that I wanted a relationship with them. Excitement bubbled in my gut, and a part of it felt like being back at the cabin again.
They made me braver. Every conversation reminded me I didn't have to live in fear.
On Friday at dinner, I decided to tell my dad that I would seek work elsewhere and wouldn't be joining his firm. I decided to wait until he got back from work and share the news over dinner.
For the entire day I was uneasy, anxious as I thought about his reaction and what he'd have to say about it all. I played a hundred scenarios over in my head, and with each one, I felt even more nervous.
None of them ended well. In all of them, he looked at me the way he'd looked at me after Kate read my diary. Disappointed and disgusted.
I left my room to take a swim in the pool and found Kate there. This was probably her favorite spot in the house, though I wasn't counting on her being there today.
She was lying across a lounge chair, her eyes closed, a comic book resting on her leg. I had half a mind to head back up to my room but knew I couldn't always be intimidated by my little sister.
I stepped down into the pool and did a few laps before I came up and sat on the edge. Kate watched me closely now.
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, knowing something was coming. "Whatever you have to say, say it."
"Reading minds now, Kennedy? I have nothing to say to you."
I raised a brow. "That's a first."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You always have something to say to me. Usually something mean."
She shrugged. "Maybe I'm done wasting my breath."
She closed her eyes again and stayed silent, much to my surprise.
I stared at her lying there, and all I could remember was the little sister who'd been so clingy at one point in her life.
She told me I was her role model when she was around eight, and that was probably the nicest thing she'd ever said to me.
Looking back, I didn't even know when it all changed.
When that love turned into resentment and possibly hate.
When had I stopped being her hero? When had I become her villain instead?
I supposed I'd been so busy with high school and then college that I didn't stop to think about how Kate was really doing.
I felt a pang of guilt as I realized Kate was probably feeling the same things I felt in this house. I didn't feel heard or seen. I was always just doing my best to make my parents proud—my father especially.
Maybe she hadn't felt heard or seen either. Maybe that's why she was so angry and unhappy. She'd said nothing she ever did seemed good enough. My case was a bit different because I didn't feel like I could do what I wanted and be myself without the scrutiny.
We were both suffocating. Just in different ways.
Kate's eyes slowly fluttered open. "What are you staring at?"
I shrugged. "I guess I kind of just realized something."
"What?"
"That we're not so different, you and me."
"Hmm," she said, uninterested, closing her eyes again.
I sighed lightly. "Kate, I'm sorry."
She looked at me with a slight frown. "For what?"
"That I haven't been a good sister to you in a long while."
She scoffed. "Don't start with the sappy shit, Kennedy."
"I'm serious. I've neglected you without realizing it, and when you needed me the most I wasn't there. I was just so focused on making Mom and Dad proud that I just got lost in it all along the way."
She swallowed hard but said nothing.
"And I'm sorry that you never felt good enough, that you were compared and made to feel less than. I'd never purposely make you feel that way."
She shrugged as she played with her fingers. "What were you gonna do anyway? Be less smart?"
I smiled. "Maybe not, but maybe I shouldn't have been such a suck-up to our parents."
She snorted.
"When did you start hating me?" I asked softly.
Kate's eyes snapped to mine. "I don't hate you."
"You act like you do."
"That's not—" She stopped, her jaw working. "I don't hate you, Kennedy. I hate that nothing I do matters because you already did it better."
"I'm not perfect, Kate. I make mistakes.
I do things my parents wouldn't approve of, but I'm never as brave as you.
You tell everyone exactly how you feel, and you don't care about what they think of you in the moment.
For a while now, I've been struggling to do exactly that, and I just can't." I sighed lightly.
A small silence passed between us. "If you want it badly enough, the courage will come."
I smiled, thinking that was great advice.
Maybe tonight. Maybe I'd find that courage tonight.
"Are you really gonna do it?" Kate asked quietly.
"Do what?"
"Tell Dad you don't want to work for him."
I froze. "How did you—"
"You've been weird all week. And you keep looking at him like you're about to confess to murder."
I almost laughed. "That obvious?"
"To me, yeah."
"Y'know, I actually never intended to spill your secrets at our family gathering.
I was planning on using the info to blackmail you for cash or anything materialistic I wanted.
But as soon as I got downstairs, I realized the world was revolving around you again, and I was being alienated and embarrassed.
So I just snapped—and I know it was bad, but I just didn't want to feel like the worst in the group.
I just wanted you to feel some of the judgment I always felt, and I wanted that pride wiped off Dad's face. "
I swallowed the lump in my throat as I listened to her.
She'd wanted Dad to stop being proud of me. She'd wanted me to feel small. And it had worked.
"It worked, by the way," I said quietly. "I felt exactly what you wanted me to feel."
She looked down. "I know. I saw."
"But if it even means anything, I am sorry. I for sure wouldn't like my diary aired out like that, and I'm sorry I did that to you."
I climbed out of the pool and went to sit beside her on another chair. "Truce?" I asked, extending a hand.
She smiled before she placed her hand in mine and shook it.
I then pulled her in for a hug, ignoring her protests and smiling even harder when she finally hugged me back.
One ally. At least I had one person on my side.
Now that Kate and I had made amends, I felt even more confident to have that conversation with my dad.
Or maybe just less alone in facing it.
At around six, he came home from work—just in time for dinner.
I washed up and went downstairs to sit at the dining table.
Kate came shortly after, glanced at me, and smiled.
I smiled too, happy that issue was resolved.
She sat on the opposite end from me, and when Mom and Dad joined us, they sat at the two ends.
Dinner was silent for the first few minutes. All that could be heard was the clinking of forks and the soft sounds of mouths eating. I looked at everyone at the table, none having any idea about what I was about to say.
None knowing I was about to destroy everything.
I glanced at my dad. He took his last bite and then reached for his glass of wine.
Now. Do it now.
I cleared my throat then. "There's something I have to say," I began, grabbing their attention. They all looked up at me.
"What is it, sweetheart?"
I straightened in my chair. "I've been thinking about this for a while now, and firstly, Dad, I want you to know that I appreciate every single thing you've ever done for me, and I'm grateful for every opportunity you offered."
He smiled proudly, and I just hated that I had to be the one to wipe that smile from his face.
But I couldn't live for his smile anymore, couldn't keep killing myself to earn it.
I glanced at Kate, who looked more curious than ever.
"That sounds ominous," Mom said lightly. "What's this about, Kennedy?"
"Er, I... I don't want to work at the firm," I said, my heart racing.
Mom gasped, and just like I'd suspected, the smile fell from Dad's face.
There it was. The disappointment I'd spent my whole life trying to avoid.
"What in the world do you even mean?" he demanded, a deep frown on his face.
"I mean I want to work somewhere else. Build my own career."
"Somewhere else?" He set down his wine glass. "Kennedy, do you have any idea what you're saying?"
"I want my own identity. I want to start somewhere where people don't judge me as soon as they see me—where people won't see me as the kid who had it easy because her dad is a big-shot lawyer."
"People won't think that!" he argued.
"They already have!" I exclaimed, my voice slightly shaky. "I heard it with my own ears."
"Who said that? Give me names."
"It doesn't matter who—"
"Why do you care what people think?!" he snapped.
Tears pricked my eyes. "Funny enough, the people whose opinion ever truly mattered to me are you and Mom's. But I want to live life unapologetically, and I don't want to just sit by and live the dreams you have for me. I want to live my own."
He shook his head and pulled back from the table. "I gave you an opportunity. Not because you're my daughter but because of your work and potential, and I truly believe you have what it takes to be better than me."
"I know you believe that—"
"Then why are you throwing it away?"
I blinked back tears. "I just want some space. I'm sorry, Dad, but I can't reach my full potential if I'm scared of taking every step because I'm afraid that if I fall you'll be sorely disappointed."
It all came down to fear. Fear of failing him. Fear of being less than perfect.
He scoffed. "This is ridiculous."
"This is how I've felt for a long time, and if Kate hadn't spilled my diary, I maybe wouldn't have done some deep reflection and decided what was truly best for me.
For all my life, I've lived with one intention, and that was to make both you and Mom proud.
My true desires were hidden away in a book because I was afraid of living the life I wanted, but not anymore. "
"Kennedy, sweetheart, I think you're getting ahead of yourself," Mom finally chimed in.
Tears rolled down my face. "I'm not, though.
I've felt suffocated in this house long enough, and I want to finally live life on my own terms—not because I want to please you guys.
I took a week away from this house, and I was the happiest I've ever been in my life because I wasn't judged and I finally felt heard. "
"Felt heard?" My mom frowned. "I thought you went alone."
My heart thudded at the slip-up, but I supposed there was no better time than now to break the other news to them.
If I was burning bridges, might as well burn them all.
"I did, but while I was there I met two people who made me feel the best I've ever felt."
"In love?" My mom's eyes went wide.
Dad's eyes were wide as he stared at me in complete horror.
Horror. That's what I was to him now. Something horrifying.
"You met someone at the cabin?" Mom's voice climbed. "Kennedy, you said you were going alone!"
"The cabin was double-booked. They were already there when I arrived."
"They?" Dad's voice was dangerously quiet. "Who were you there with, Kennedy?"
"Two guys," I said.
My mom's eyes went wide as she clutched her chest. Dad said nothing. I think he was just trying to process it all. And Kate? Even she looked shocked, which was something that didn't come easy for her.
"Two men," Mom repeated faintly. "You spent a week with two strange men?"
"They're not strange. They're good people—"
"You don't know that!" she exclaimed. "My God, Kennedy, anything could have happened to you!"
"But it didn't. They treated me with respect—"
"I just want to be happy, and the first step is by making my own decisions—" I said.
"Enough!" My dad shouted, slamming his hands on the table.
I flinched. I'd never heard him yell like that. Not at me. Never at me.
"Dad—"
"I don't know what's gotten into you, young lady, but I don't want to hear another word of it." With that, he got up from the table and stormed out of the room.
I glanced at Mom, who looked at me with scorn and distaste.
"Mom, please—"
"I thought we gave you everything," she said, her voice cold.
"You did—"
"Clearly not, if you're running off with strange men and throwing away your future."
Without saying another word to me, she picked up her plate and headed to the kitchen.
Not a single word after that. Like I wasn't even worth speaking to anymore.
I wiped my eyes. Kate was still there. She had a smile on her face.
"I don't know, but that was pretty badass."
"They hate me."
She scoffed as she stood. "They'd never hate you."
"Did you see their faces?"
"Yeah. I also saw you finally stand up for yourself." She paused at the doorway. "For what it's worth? I'm proud of you."
But it felt like hate. It looked like hate.
Shortly after, I was alone in the room. It was like a calm after a storm. My heart was still beating fast, my body was shaking, and my thoughts were frantic.
But through it all, I felt relieved. Relieved to have finally gotten the words out. It felt as though I could breathe easier, that life was going to be okay after all.
I'd done it. I'd actually done it. Said the words out loud. Chose myself.
And the world hadn't ended. Not yet.
That morning, I woke up to a knock on my door. I scrubbed the remaining sleep from my eyes and dragged myself to open my bedroom door.
Mom stood there with a stern expression on her face.
"Mom, what's going on?"
"Your father wants you out of the house."
The words hit me like a slap. "What?"
"You heard me. He wants you gone by the end of the day."
"Mom, you can't be serious—"
"I'm very serious, Kennedy."
"Where am I supposed to go?"
"That's not my concern. You made your choices last night."
"So that's it? You're just kicking me out?"
Her expression didn't waver. "Your father has made his decision."
"What about you?" My voice broke. "What do you want?"
She looked away. "I want my daughter back. The one who had her priorities straight."
"I'm still me—"
"No. You're not." She straightened. "Pack your things. Your father will be home at six. He expects you gone before then."
"Mom—"
"I have nothing more to say to you, Kennedy."
She turned and walked away, leaving me standing in the doorway.