Tiny Things #2
Spelling it out like that kind of forces me to picture it, and the shock of it hits me.
Miles laughing with someone else. Sharing little moments like the ones I share with him.
Collecting inside jokes and references until they understand each other with only a look or a phrase, the way Miles and I do.
My stomach twists, and it takes a moment before I can respond.
“Yeah, I’d be fine,” I manage to squeak out.
I am not fine.
I definitely do not enjoy imagining him with another woman. A single date? Sure. A girlfriend? Ouch.
I clear my throat. “So, Charlie. Did we get through your list of things we need to plan for the baby shower?”
Or, in other words, let’s talk about anything else.
Charlie gives me a long, searching look before she turns her focus to her clipboard. “Mostly. We still haven’t divvied up who is bringing a relish tray and who is picking up my grandparents from the airport on Thursday.”
“I can’t wait to meet them,” Zoe says. “From all the family lore I’ve heard about them, I’m convinced the stories they tell about the people they meet are actually coded reports, and we just don’t know the cipher yet.”
“Once, when I was little,” Charlie says, “I asked Grandpa how airplanes stayed up. He spent the next hour helping me make paper airplanes with different wings until I figured it out myself.”
Mackenzie still hasn’t taken her eyes off me. “I think Reese and Miles should pick them up.”
Mackenzie didn’t get the talk about anything else memo strongly enough. “Yeah, of course. We’d be happy to,” I say, and then turn to head into the nursery part of this giant store.
Everyone follows, and I work on breathing normally and appearing as if I’m paying attention to the cribs and bedding Mackenzie is looking at, all while trying not to think about Miles or babies or hard questions.
There’s a cute little decorated area that looks like part of a room. It has both books and bees—my two favorite things. I focus on that, and everything gets better.
Better enough that by the time we drift into the rocking chair section, I’ve dropped my guard, and we all start trying them out. Some have padding. Some have a seat formed for a very specific bum. Some are classic rocking chairs, and some are gliders. We try them all.
Mackenzie is trying to decide between two, and she sits down in one, her cute belly looking bigger than when she’s standing. After a moment, she angles her left arm like she’s cradling a baby, her right like she’s holding a bottle, testing out how the rocking chair would be with a baby.
It’s such an achingly sweet moment that it only takes a few seconds before I have to turn away. Bees. Bees and books. That’s what I need. I wander back to the cute room example.
A moment later, Charlie comes over next to me to look at them, too. In a quiet voice, she asks, “You doing okay? I’m guessing it’s hard to be here.”
Outside of my parents, my brother, and the oncology team I had as a teenager, Charlie is the only one who knows I’m never going to walk through a baby store with my hand on my own protruding belly.
“No. I’m totally fine,” I lie.
She nods. “If you need to leave, it’s okay.”
“Thanks. But I’m good.”
And I am. This is nothing new. It’s only because we’ve been surrounded by so many baby things and talking babies so much that it’s affecting me.
In fact, by the time we get to high chairs and play pens, I’ve totally recovered and can discuss whether babies actually enjoy play pens or if they’re just tiny minimum-security prisons. The conversation gets us all laughing, and the heaviness eases.
Charlie’s phone chimes with the sound that only belongs to Owen, and she whips her phone out so fast she nearly drops her shower planning folder. A smile spreads across her face. “Owen just reached Ellicott City, so he should be here in thirty minutes!”
The girl is so giddy to see her boyfriend after nearly two weeks without him that I’m worried she’s going to drop both her folder and her clipboard as she texts him back.
Zoe watches Charlie for a moment, then she says to all of us, “I’m going to propose to Ledger.”
Everyone immediately reacts. Loudly enough that shoppers all around us turn to look. Charlie squeals. Mackenzie is the first to hug Zoe, then we all pile in. I’m so happy for them that I think I might cry. It’s been a long time coming.
“What made you decide?” I ask.
“Well,” she says, “I’m the one who’s been most resistant to marriage because I hadn’t been exposed to married couples much.
At least marriages worth wanting. I didn’t really get how it worked, and I kind of…
I don’t know. Feared it.” She says that last part like it was painful to admit.
She gestures at Mackenzie. “But I’ve been around you and Jace a lot.
And I’ve spent a lot of time around your whole family.
I guess I finally realized I’m not afraid of it anymore.
I’m afraid of not experiencing it with Ledger. ”
We all hug her again.
“And since it was mostly me holding us back,” Zoe says, “I think I should be the one to propose.”
“When?” Charlie asks. Between Owen almost being in town and Zoe’s news, the girl is practically vibrating with excitement. “Do you know how you want to do it?”
“This weekend. We already have plans to go to an after-hours aerial adventure course in the woods. It has rope bridges, climbing obstacles, a free-fall drop, and a final side-by-side zip-line race.”
“So, basically,” Mackenzie says, “you’re going to propose at the most Zoe and Ledger date night spot there is.”
Zoe tilts her head. “Where else would I do it? I want to propose when we’re on the highest platform, just before the final zip-line.
There are strings of lights there, and we’d be overlooking their fun lighting throughout the woods.
I’ve checked the weather, and it’s supposed to be perfect that night.
“I have his ring, and I got a ring box designed to look similar to a locking carabiner. I’ll have it clipped somewhere on me or my harness.
Then I’ll stop Ledger and say something related to the first time I told him I loved him and that I want to marry him.
Then I’ll give him the ring, and we’ll take the final leap down the zip-line together. ”
“Oh, that is so perfect,” I say.
“Do you think so?” Zoe asks. “I’ve never really been good at the whole romance thing.”
“No, you are,” I say. “It really is perfect.” So much so that the longing ache in my chest to have the same thing is strong.
Zoe lets out a huge breath. “Oh, good.”
“Does anyone else know?” Livi asks.
“I talked to Evelyn about it first. Guys are supposed to ask the girlfriend’s dad for permission, right? I mean, aren’t they? I don’t really know. But I figured since I was the one asking, I should ask the boyfriend’s mom.”
Charlie is holding back a smile. “And what did she say?”
Zoe looks down, smiling, and I think I see a glisten of a tear. “She said she would love nothing more than to have me as her daughter-in-law.”
Charlie’s expression softens. “I’m pretty sure she already claimed you as part of the family. We all have.”
Zoe blinks rapidly, and then Charlie is hugging her again. We all join in, and for a minute, I’m surrounded by people building the kinds of futures they once weren’t sure they would ever have.
Eventually, we pull ourselves together and return to Mackenzie’s registry.
Once we’ve added everything she could possibly need for her baby and ten more, we head toward the front of the store.
Mackenzie suddenly stops walking, and since I’m the closest person, she grabs my hand and places it on her belly just in time for me to feel the baby kick.
My eyes fly to Mackenzie. “That’s her?”
Mackenzie is beaming as she nods. “She’s a strong little girl.”
“She is,” I say, leaving my hand there a bit longer to feel the magic of this tiny human moving, even though my heart is breaking a bit as I do.
Then, we continue to head toward the exit and then out to our cars, everyone chatting about everything—babies, engagements, weddings, and futures.
I keep a smile on my face and join in on the conversation, because I’ve gotten very good at pretending that everyone else’s future doesn’t remind me of the ones I’ve quietly stopped imagining for myself.