44. Scarlett
FORTY-FOUR
SCARLETT
Sound drifts through the disorienting nothingness, and helps me push back the darkness.
I can't believe that she took charge by force.
How could she do this to me? I thought we were working together, and had reached an understanding.
I told her that we would make sure the men we were hunting would face justice, but within the confines of the law, even if I had to work around them, and plant evidence to get them convicted, with Xavier's help.
She raged against that prospect, that it wasn't harsh enough, that they needed to die, and it seemed like there was no changing her mind.
You're a dreamer, little darling. They won't ever be punished enough by your laws. Only death is the appropriate answer for them. They have to pay for their sins.
One minute I was sitting in bed, next to a naked sleeping Xavier, trying to reason with Ashmaker, and the next, it was as if someone had thrown a thick, heavy blanket over me and trapped me in the darkness.
At first I couldn't even catch my breath as panic overtook me.
Only muted sounds, and semi-awareness, seemed to penetrate the void.
I quickly realized that she had forced me out and taken charge herself, to dispense her brand of justice against my wishes.
Is this how she feels when it's me in control, antsy and filled with emotions that are all hitting at the same time? I was never really aware before. It always felt like I just woke up, and didn't have the faintest clue where I'd been, or what I'd done.
Now I'm listening to the world around me, as if I have a glass pressed to my ear up against a blacked-out window.
I can feel all of her emotions, her rage, euphoria, and even the desperation to stay in control.
I know that Xavier is with her. I feel his presence close, and then another soothing presence joins it, and the realization that it had to be Jasper hits me.
In anguish, I try desperately to fight against her, not knowing if she will hurt the men I love.
"You know I love you, Ashmaker. I love both of you equally, not just Scarlett.
You belong to me just as much as she does.
We are the same, you and I. There is nothing I won't do to protect you both.
Please don't hurt her." Xavier's words and terror vibrate through, and they break my heart at the sorrow in their tone.
It's as if he fears he's somehow not enough, and that's so far from the truth.
Both of us struggle with abandonment issues, and they cut deep to the core of who and what we have become.
I want to wrap my arms tightly around him, and reassure him that I love him too, all the parts of him.
That I'm thankful for all he's done to protect me, that I would never willingly leave him.
"That struggle, the balanced scales of justice you crave, she feels it too.
That's why I hid what I was doing from her, that is, until he started leaving her clues.
" My voice sounds robotic, and from down a long corridor, but I know it's me, or rather Ashmaker.
It makes me so furious that she did this to me.
She made me believe I was losing my mind so she could kill all those men, and she would have continued to do so if Xavier hadn't stepped in.
Hush now, little darling. It was never maliciously done. I did what I had to do to keep us and the world safe. Stop fighting me; you're only hurting yourself, and you'll cause me to hurt your lovers if you don't.
You wouldn't fucking dare! If you hurt them, the next time I'm in control, I'll climb to the top of the highest building and throw myself off it. How will you accomplish your justice then?
Threats really aren't your forte, little darling. If you do that, you'll lose them too, and I know you don't want to be parted from either of them. You love these two idiots, perhaps far more than you ever did me.
Your words wound. How could you think that?
You and I are one. Yes, I do love them, and that's why I would do anything I can to keep them safe from you.
I won't allow you to use them as a bargaining chip, or to keep killing.
It has to stop. We've done enough. Our hands are so stained with blood that it's hard to function, no matter who's in charge.
"You could have really hurt her. I could have reacted badly!
Not to mention she could have lost her fucking job, and all she's worked so hard to build.
" Jasper's rage jolts through me, piercing my chest with every syllable.
I can feel his fear, but also his outrage that Ashmaker has used me, and could have cost me everything.
She hasn't been able to move past what happened to us when we were children, and I understand that completely.
She took the brunt of it while protecting me.
She suffered, while I hid like a child under the covers, from the monsters that surrounded us.
I owe her my life and sanity. Her pain is my pain, and her rage should also be mine, but she's become a cyclone, and it circles her so completely that there's very little left for me.
Perhaps that's why I was able to function in the outside world, start a life, even have a career.
She was my sin-eater, absorbing all the darkness and sins, and carrying the dirty secrets, guilt, and immoral deeds that were committed against us.
Now she wants to be free, and can I really begrudge her that, after years of living with the weight of what happened to us?
The problem is that I know she doesn't want to find a life for herself.
She craves destruction. Her thoughts are always filled with doom, bloodshed, and the moral code she lives by: that sins must be cleansed.
To allow her free rein in the world is to invite chaos and darkness to roam free.
She won't stop, and I can't allow her to continue to stain me in blood, even if the ones she's dispatching are monsters.
She has, in a way, become what she hates.
She's just like them, solely focused on what she wants, regardless of the consequences.
Let me fucking out, Ashmaker! You've gone too far! This has to end! I push harder against the barrier and feel my body sway, as pain causes us both to feel weak and tremble. Bile fills the back of my throat, and my body lurches in distress. Stop this, Ashmaker, you're hurting me, you're hurting us!
"Please, Ashmaker, let her take control. You know you can't continue this way. I promise that we will protect you, and he won't arrest you, will you, Jasper?" Xavier's pleading tone breaks through the barrier again, and I feel her hesitate.
Cocky bastard, he thinks he can use that silver tongue to charm me.
Her tone is acidic, but I also feel a spark of interest at his words.
I know deep down she doesn't want to be alone.
She doesn't want to be left in the darkness, and yearns for love and affection, just like I do.
She could have that with us, with Xavier and me, and maybe even with Jasper.
I hold my breath awaiting Jasper's response.
How much does he care about me? Is it enough to save himself and Xavier? Does he realize that if she shoots them, it will break something inside of me so completely that there will be no returning from it?
"Fuck, little vixen, I could never hurt you. I'm deeply in love with you. I would never arrest you. I don't have it in me to see you behind bars."
His words cause me to fall to my metaphorical knees as tears slide down my face.
So many emotions are circling me that they feel overwhelming, like I can't grasp onto just one thought or feeling, as they all bombard me at once.
I realize that it's a combination of Ashmaker’s and my emotions together, and that she's also trying to process what they're saying.
She wants them just as much as I do, even if she won't admit it to herself, especially Xavier.
She's in love with him, and has been since she realized that he was helping her with her mission.
"Please let Scarlett out, Ashmaker. We promise that we'll help protect you both."
Both? Do you think they'll ever let me have control again after this, little darling, or are they spewing only pretty words, like all men do, to get what they want? They want you, not me.
I think they're both being honest about their love for us, not just me.
I also think you want to believe that, that you're tired of being so jaded.
Not all men hurt women. Not all men have hurt us.
You've allowed yourself to be strong all this time, to keep us safe, but I can shoulder some of the weight, Ashmaker. Let me.
My body feels heavy and lethargic, as if all of this is becoming a weight she can't bear. I'm so tired, Scarlett, so very tired.
I know. Let me out, and you can rest. We will figure this all out together. I promise I will never leave you, nor will I try to bury you in the darkness. I understand now how lonely it is.
I just wanted to make the world a safer place for children and women. I got lost in the need for violence. I'm sorry, Scarlett. I never meant to hurt you.
I know, Ashmaker. It will all be alright now. You have them, and me, and we'll all work together to make it a safer place. You don't have to do it all alone anymore, you have us.
I feel a massive shift, as if I'm being sucked through a dark, oppressive vacuum. The air becomes nonexistent, and everything is disorienting. Lights flash rapidly behind my eyes, and it's as if my mind is tearing itself apart, and putting itself back together all at once.
I stumble forward, my body aching, as a scream dies on my lips.
My eyes flutter open, and before me stand the two men I love, with varying degrees of panic and fear on their features.
I shake my head, to try to clear the buzzing, and for a moment I'm so disoriented by the silence that it has me panting.
I can now feel wetness on my shirt, and the stinging in my neck from where she cut me.
My head pounds as if someone were using it as a drum, forcing me to blink repeatedly.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO HER?" Jasper's panicked voice breaks through some of the overwhelming sensations, and I struggle to meet his gaze.
My lips open and close, words refusing to be released.
My hand and wrist ache, and when I glance down, I realize that I'm still holding the gun, pointed at my men.
"HOLY FUCK! I got you, Garnier!" A large figure storms past Jasper and Xavier, pushing them out of the way, and my mind can't make sense of what I'm seeing. "POLICE, DROP YOUR FUCKING WEAPON, LYSSA, OR I'LL SHOOT!"
"Douglas?" I croak, my hand shaking, and my finger pressing over the trigger. I don't get another word out. Douglas fires his gun at me, and it's as if I'm trapped in slow motion, watching it come right at me and unable to move.
RUN! LITTLE DARLING, RUN!
"NOOOO! SCARLETT!"
A large blur pushes me out of the way, and I release my hold on the gun. It goes skidding away from me, as I slide across the slippery floor and fall backward, my shoulders and head smacking viciously into the wall behind me with a crack. "Ah… fuck," I cry.
"Jasper! Oh my fucking God, what have you done?" Xavier rages as he rushes forward. I force my head to rise, even though my head spins, and my stomach threatens to purge its contents.
"I… he… I was trying to stop… her. I... fuck!" Douglas' panicked words break through, and I look ahead of me, and what I see has me screaming, but it's not only my anguish, it's Ashmaker's too. The wail is soul-crushing, as if our combined heart is being ripped apart.
Jasper lies awkwardly on the floor ahead of me, his body far too still, his eyes shut, and it causes my heart to try to dart out of my chest. A large pool of blood is forming around him, soaking his clothing, and spreading towards his head. Noooo, this can't be happening. Not him, please, no!
"Jasper! Fuck, Jasper, can you hear me?" Xavier shouts as he tries to stop the bleeding from the gunshot wound to Jasper's chest.
NO! KILL HIM! HE TOOK HIM FROM US!
Douglas stares in horror at Jasper, his face ashen and body shaking as he goes into shock.
His legs give out, and he falls to the floor on his ass, dropping his weapon in the process, as his pants soak up Jasper's life fluid.
I crawl forward on autopilot, Ashmaker's rage and devastation matching mine.
I can't think; everything is one painful twister inside of me, threatening to wreck me for good.
I reach for Jasper's discarded gun and point it at Douglas.
He took him away from us! He murdered him. He can't live! Don't let him live, Scarlett. Jasper requires justice.
He killed Jasper, my Jasper. The one who loves me, and I didn't get a chance to tell him I love him back. For once, she and I are in complete agreement. He took from us, and for that his life is forfeit.
"Scarlett! Fuck! Don't!" Xavier shouts, but it's too late.
My finger presses on the trigger over and over, the bangs loud and jarring, echoing off the walls, until I can't hear a thing besides my blood rushing in my ears.
My body trembles so much that my teeth chatter and clash together, and I taste copper inside my mouth.
I feel my fingers releasing Jasper's gun, and it disappears from my grasp.
How will we survive without him?
It's over now, little darling. It will all be well now.