Chapter 31
The next morning, I woke up early to a woodpecker hammering away outside my window.
I banged on the window to scare him off, but he returned moments later, so I decided to get up from my melancholy slumber.
I was too cozy in my flannel PJs to change, so I made my way to the bathroom, glad to brush my teeth in peace.
Amy must have left for the mall with her friends, which was her Saturday tradition.
I could smell something good coming from the kitchen, so I went downstairs to find my Mom at the sink cleaning up. I had skipped dinner the night before, so the plate of pancakes and bacon sitting out on the stove for me was a welcome sight.
“Good morning, sweetie. You’ve been awfully tired,” she said, looking over her shoulder a she scrubbed the stubborn pancake crust from the pan.
“Yeah, I guess so,” I said, unsure how to tell her what I was actually going through.
We were never close enough to share our feelings with one another.
I sat down at the table, drenched the pancakes in syrup, and stuffed big bites in my mouth to avoid an awkward conversation, then the phone rang and my mom picked it up.
“Hello?” She answered. “Yes, just a moment, she’s right here,” she said, setting the receiver down, then smiling at me. “It’s James.”
“Okay, just a minute,” I said, with a mouth full of pancakes. As soon as I swallowed the bite, I picked up the phone. “Hey, James.”
“Hey, neighbor. How are you feeling this morning?” he asked cheerfully. “What do you want to do today? Feeling up for getting out of the house?” he suggested.
“I guess,” I said, not entirely sure I was, but willing to indulge him.
“Let’s go to the mall and just walk around.
I still need to buy some last-minute Christmas presents,” he said.
It hadn’t even occurred to me that Christmas was a few days away.
I had really lost track of days drifting by and I didn’t know if Amy would be at the mall, but it would be easy enough to avoid her so I agreed.
“I’ll pick you up in half an hour,” he said, and then he hung up.
I put my plate in the dishwasher, then went to get ready.
As I slid the hangers across my closet, I wondered what would be warm but still cute.
Making an effort wasn’t the worst idea, and might make me feel better.
I found a dark purple sweater to go with my favorite tight, ripped blue jeans.
Navy Gazelles seemed like the perfect shoes to tie the look together.
Standing in front of the full-length mirror, I had to admit that it was the first time I had looked decent in days.
I put on a dark green puffer jacket, pulled my wavy hair from the collar, and headed to the bathroom to put on some makeup to brighten up my face.
I added some shimmery neutral eye shadow, brown eye liner, and mascara.
I didn’t want to look overdone; I just wanted to look better than I had when I woke up. Good enough.
When the doorbell rang, my mom opened the door, and James stepped right inside like he had when we were kids.
“Allie, let’s roll. It’s time to have some fun,” he said from the bottom of the stairs. I opened my bedroom door and headed down the stairs, sliding my hand along the wood railing as I went.
“Bye, Mrs. Wyatt. I’m not sure what time we’ll be back,” he said, politely.
“No worries, we don’t have any plans today. I’m just thrilled to see Allie getting out of the house. You kids have fun, the mall should have wonderful decorations,” she said, drying her hands on a dish towel.
“Bye, Mom,” I said as we walked out the door.
Once we got to the mall, my stomach dropped to see my old crowd of friends standing around the fountain. When Chris saw me, his eyes shot open to see me with James, and he immediately looked down at the coins in the water.
“Where should we go first?” James asked, when suddenly he realized my body language was rigid and I was staring in their direction. “Do you know them?”
“You could say that,” I said, as we walked past them without acknowledging them, and I picked up the pace. I hadn’t noticed Isabelle, but she saw me and she ran to catch up.
“Allie! Wait!”
I quickly turned around, and she greeted me with a hug.
“Wow! I guess you do know each other!” James said with a laugh.
“What? Isabelle said. “Yeah, that’s Allie’s ex-boyfriend,” she said, looking back over her shoulder towards the fountain.
When I glanced in their direction, Chris was watching us with a hurt expression. Why did he look hurt? It wasn’t my fault. He was the one who ended it, and I was left to pick up the pieces. I tried to ignore it and turned my attention back to Isabelle.
“Do you want to walk around with us?” I asked her.
“Yeah, you should join us!” James said, but I couldn’t tell if he was just being nice.
“Thanks, but we are all about to head out. I’ll call you later!
” She said. “My Mom is still bugging me about when you’re coming out to the farm again.
” Then the group called to her, and she turned to hold up a finger signaling for them to wait.
“Gotta go. Nice to meet you, James.” And she hugged me again, then ran off.
“Isabelle seems really nice,” James said once she was out of earshot.
“Yeah, I’m really lucky to have her.”
“I’m glad to see you smiling again,” he said, as he put his hand on my back and we kept walking. When I turned around once more, Chris was watching me, and I wondered whether it made him jealous. I secretly hoped that it did.
We spent the whole afternoon at the mall, going in and out of stores looking for gifts, trying on clothes, eating lunch, and listening to music together.
I actually had a great time, and James took my mind off of Chris and off of what I had tried to do.
I was grateful for him. When it got dark and the mall started to close, we decided to go get some dinner.
“There’s a great Mexican restaurant nearby,” he said, as we walked to the car.
“That’s perfect. I’m in the mood for some enchiladas.”
When we arrived at Cozumel Mexican Restaurant, James held the door open, and the hostess seated us at a table.
We both ordered Cokes and beef enchiladas as we talked about our favorite movies and our least favorite actors.
After dinner, we got Baskin-Robbins ice cream and sat on the hood of the car talking about old times.
Once we got back to my house, we sat on the front steps and kept talking until midnight about memories from our past. Each of the kids from our neighborhood had caused trouble in one way or another, and James and I had been a part of it all.
There was a common thread between us that tied us together, but I still felt emotionally exhausted from the choice I had almost made a few nights earlier, and I told him I needed to get to bed.
He said he understood, and he got up to leave when I remembered that the wedding was the next night.
Remembering plans was never my strong suit.
“James?” I said as he walked to his car. “I completely forgot to tell you, but the wedding is tomorrow night. Do you still want to come?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Okay,” I said. “I’ll meet you at the church at 4:00. Thanks for today. I had a good time. Good night.”
“Goodnight, Allie. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Then he got in his car and headed home.
As I climbed the steps, I saw motion in the upstairs window. Why was Amy still spying on me? I decided to ignore it. Once I was in my room, I picked up the phone to call Isabelle. The suspense was killing me. I needed to know what happened after they left the mall.
“Hey!” she said on the first ring.
“Okay, I have to know. What happened with Chris after you left? Did he say anything about me?” She got very quiet.
“Do you really want to be opening this wound? You seem to be happy. James looks like a really nice guy. Plus, he’s gorgeous. Let Chris go,” she said. I knew she was right, and she was trying to guard my feelings as my best friend.
“I know I’m not supposed to care, but I can’t stop thinking about him, Isabelle. Please tell me,” I pleaded.
“Fine. If you really want to know, Chris seemed pretty ripped up seeing you with James. He said he wishes he could make the rumors at school stop, but that he is still upset about you turning Griffin in, but not as upset as he is about losing you.” Then she went silent.
The words cut me right back open. Hearing how he still felt about me made me drop the phone for a moment.
“Allie?” I heard, faintly, coming from the phone lying on my bed. “Allie!” it came again. I snapped out of it and picked up the phone again.
“Sorry. I don’t know what to say.”
“I told you,” she said. “Is there something between you and James? Be honest with yourself.”
“I think we’re just friends, Is,” I said truthfully. “I’m not sure I’ll ever get over Chris, but I also am not sure I can get past him abandoning me.”
“Exactly. How can you forgive him for giving up on you? Try to move on.”
“I’m taking James to a wedding tomorrow,” I said.
“Oh my gosh! He’s hot, Allie,” she exclaimed. “You don’t have to rush into anything,” she said, and I knew that she was right. I didn’t have to move on; I could just have fun.
“You always know what to say.”
“I hope you have fun tomorrow. That’s all you have to do, but you have to call me and tell me all about it. Promise?”
“Promise.”
“How are you and Watson doing?” I asked.
“He finally kissed me after Homecoming!”
“No way! That’s so exciting, Is!”
“Well, it’s nothing like you and…” Then she stopped herself. “Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Love ya,” she said.
“Love ya, too.” Then we both hung up.
I grabbed my journal and decided to write about what I had almost done a few nights prior. I wondered if putting it into words would help me process the emotional rollercoaster that I have been on.
Dear Diary,
A few nights ago, I almost stepped in front of a train because everything was just too much. I wanted the tormenting to stop. I wanted to die. James saved my life. I’m still in love with Chris. I wish he still loved me, too.
-Allie.
After I shut the journal and put it back between my mattress, I ran through my nighttime routine and climbed into bed as my mind replayed the look on Chris’s face that afternoon at the mall.
I savored his devastation. It comforted me to know that he was suffering, too, but I knew that Isabelle was right.
The best thing I could do for my heart to heal was to try to move on.