Chapter 30
“Allie?” I heard someone say, as my eyelids fluttered open. It was James, kneeling beside the couch with a tray full of breakfast.
“What time is it?” I asked as I looked around the sun-drenched room.
I sat up and pulled the blanket over my lap, then James set the tray down on the coffee table and sat down beside me.
“My mom makes the best breakfasts. You have to try the blueberry muffin,” he said, as he handed it to me. I peeled back the wrapper, took a bite, and my eyes rolled into the back of my head.
“This is unreal,” I said, with a mouthful of muffin.
“Told you.”
As I worked my way through breakfast, we talked about what it was like attending boarding school and if he had kept in touch with any of our old neighbors. Most of them had since moved away, and neither of us had heard from them in years.
“Remember that one time we cornered Desmond and emptied our Super Soakers on him for locking us in his crawlspace?” James asked, and we both laughed at the funny memory. “Can I ask you something, Allie?” he said, with a serious tone.
“Okay,” I replied sheepishly, assuming what his question would be.
“Do you really feel like nobody cares about you? Surely that can’t be true. Maybe it feels like it, but I’m sure you have people in your life who would be devastated if you weren’t in it.” Then he was quiet while he waited for my reply.
“It doesn’t feel that way right now,” I said quietly.
“Okay. Does anyone else know that you feel this way? Maybe you need to talk to someone. Your mom? A counselor? There are people who can help.”
“No, and I’d appreciate it if we could just keep this between us.
My mom and I don’t have the type of relationship where we share deep emotions and she would never understand how I feel.
She doesn’t believe in therapy, anyways, so it would be pointless.
” Then I barreled into him with a hug. “I owe you my life, thank you for caring” I said, then he wrapped his arms around me and just held me, but this time I didn’t cry.
When I let go, I sat back up, and he smiled a friendly smile, just like I remembered from when we were kids.
Maybe I did have more than one friend in the world.
“Ready for me to walk you home?” he said, as he got to his feet.
“Okay,” I said. “Hey, do you think we could hang out again sometime? I could really use another friend right now, and I’m on Christmas break,” I said.
“I was going to ask you the same thing. I’d love the company since all my friends are at home from boarding school and I don’t know anyone in town anymore,’ he said, as we headed down to the kitchen.
Mrs. Barr was at the sink washing up from breakfast when we came down the back stairs.
“Good morning, Allie. It looks like you needed some sleep. Feeling better? James said you had a long day yesterday,” she said with a warm smile.
“Yes, I did. Thank you for breakfast. Your blueberry muffins were delicious,” I said, and she smiled at the compliment.
“Come back any time, dear. You know where we live,” she joked.
“Sure do,” I said, offering her a smile.
“Bye, sweetie,” She called as I walked out the front door.
“Your mom is so nice,” I said, as James walked me home.
“Yeah, she is,” He replied. “Do you remember when we used to climb up that trellis and jump off your roof?” He said, pointing up to the roof outside my room. “We really did some crazy stuff, didn’t we?” He said, reminiscing. “We sure had some fun.”
Once we got to the back door of my house, he pulled me in for one more hug, then let go and looked at me.
“You going to be okay?” I shrugged. “Will you promise me something?” he asked.
“Will you promise to always call me if you need me? I mean it.” And then he produced a pen from his pocket, grabbed my hand, and wrote his number on my palm.
“There. Now you have no excuse. Call anytime. See you later.” Then he turned to walk home to his light blue house.
Once inside, I headed to my room, where I wrote down James’s number in my journal before it faded from my hand.
I was glad to know that I had a friend next door whom I could talk to.
James was someone who was connected to my past, with whom I shared common memories.
It was nice that we could share stories without having to stop and explain people and places to each other.
With James, everything was effortless. It still hadn’t quite sunk in what I had tried to do last night.
I climbed into bed and collapsed into a mental place of nothingness.
Just then, I heard a light knock on the door.
“Hi, sweetie,” Mom said as she opened the door. Did you have fun last night? I always liked James; he was such a sweet kid,” she said, with a tone that suggested perhaps we were more than friends.
“It was fine. We just watched a movie. It’s nice to have another friend besides Isabelle.”
“So, I don’t want to push you, but do you remember when I asked if you would sing in Kirsten’s wedding?” I nodded, but wished she knew that this was terrible timing. “Well, they’ve asked me to confirm whether you’re willing to do it,” she said, then she waited for my answer.
“Fine,” I said quietly, hardly caring about anything at all. She looked elated, completely oblivious to my state of mind. “But only if I can bring a date.”
“I think that seems like a perfectly reasonable compromise. So who are you going to bring?” she asked with a smirk.
“Maybe I’ll ask James,” I said quietly.
“That’s a nice idea,” she said, probably hoping it meant I was out of my Chris slump. Little did she know, I was pining for him more than ever.
Once she walked out of my room, I pulled the covers up around my face and peeked my hand out to switch my stereo on.
Dave Matthews Band’s Grey Street came through the speakers.
Then I pulled my hand back into the cozy cave of covers and closed my eyes, still in shock at what I had done.
Last night, I was willing to give it all up, and I hadn’t quite left that state of mind.
The afternoon passed by under my covers, and my mom either didn’t seem to notice or she didn’t seem to mind. Either way, I grew roots into the bed until the phone rang early in the evening. Amy must have answered it because she screamed my name from down the hall.
“Allie! It’s James!” she yelled, slightly annoyed. Clearly, she was still mad at me, but I didn’t understand why, now that she finally had a shot with Chris. I rolled over and picked up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hey neighbor, I’m just checking on you,” James said calmly.
“Hey.”
“What are you up to?” he asked.
“Nothing. I haven’t left my bed all day.”
“Okay. Do you want some company?” he asked. “Not in your bed, I just mean, in general,” he quickly clarified, but he sounded embarrassed by the implication of his initial suggestion.
“I’ll be honest, I’m not sure if I can move.”
“How about moving five feet out onto the roof, like old times, just as long as you promise not to jump off of it,” he joked. “We can just sit out there and talk, or we don’t have to talk at all if that’s what you want to do.
“Ha. Ha.” I fake laughed, pretending to be amused, but understanding why he said it.
“I’ll be on the roof in ten minutes. See ya.” Then he hung up the phone.
I set down the receiver and turned up the stereo volume as the song had changed to You Never Know.
I peeled the covers back, deciding it would be pathetic for him to see me lying in bed through the window. When I went to unlock the window to slide it open, I could already see James making his way up onto the roof.
“Look who’s alive,” he said, then he paused, embarrassed.
“Sorry, I swear that wasn’t supposed to be a joke.
It just came out. I’m glad to see you’re up and moving,” he recovered, as he extended his hand to help me out onto the roof.
I grabbed his wrist, and he pulled me through.
Grabbing his wrist brought back a flood of memories, but I tried to push them down deep.
I wasn’t willing to deal with them right now.
James sat down on the roof, and I sat beside him. Then I looked up at the stars.
“Thanks for calling, otherwise I might have stayed in that bed for the rest of Christmas break,” I said, as I admired the hint of the moon in the sky.
“My Mom suffers from depression, I know it’s not something you can just snap out of. Give yourself time, Allie,” he said, as I saw him look over at me out of the corner of my eye. I held my gaze on the constellation and didn’t reply. I was glad that he seemed to accept my silence.
I lay back on the roof and clasped my hands together on my chest. He followed suit, and we just lay there as the needles of the pine tree waved above us in the breeze. I don’t know how long we lay in silence before I remembered what my mom had asked me.
“Hey, James? What are you doing on the 23rd?” I asked as I turned to look at him.
“I don’t know. Why?”
“I have to go to my cousin’s wedding here in town, and my mom talked me into singing in it, but I told her I would only do it if I could bring a date. Would you want to come with me?” I asked, hopeful that he would say yes, but fully prepared for him to decline.
“Heck yeah, that sounds fun,” he said, enthusiastically.
“Okay, cool, I’ll call you with the details. Can we just lie here for a while longer, if you don’t mind?” I asked, looking over at him again.
“Sure, whatever you need,” he said, offering me a gentle smile, then looking back up at the sky.
We lay out there on the roof until the dusk loomed, and I was startled by the whistle of the 6:00 train, fully aware that twenty-four hours earlier, I was about to take my last breath.
Thanks to James, I was still here, breathing beside him.
As the train drew closer, I reached out, grabbed James’s hand, and squeezed it tight until the last car passed.
Once the sound of the train on the tracks went quiet, I let go of his hand, let it fall to the roof, and started to sob.
“I’m sorry that you found me like that last night, James.
I never should have put you in that position,” I apologized through sobs as I turned to look at him, hopeful that he wouldn’t have resentment in his eyes.
“Thank you for caring enough to come check on me. I’m not sure how I can ever repay you,” But he just smiled in reply. I’m sure he didn’t know what to say.
As the time grew closer to midnight, James headed home so that I could get some sleep.
My head was still fuzzy, and the covers were calling, so I quickly did my bedtime routine and crawled back into bed.
As I lay under the blankets, I wrapped my arms around my waist, but my thoughts drifted to Chris.
I wondered what he was doing at that very moment and if he still thought of me.
How could he move on so easily after everything he had said to me and all the moments we had shared? Something didn’t add up.
I reached for the remote, changed the song to Stay or Leave and quietly cried myself to sleep.