Chapter 29 #2
The path along the pines was pitch black as I made my way by moonlight, only stopping to touch the tree where Chris and I once kissed.
For a moment, I swore I felt our ghosts there, against that tree, and I quickly moved away.
I made my way to the base of the loose gravel slope, gazed up at the tracks, and began the climb.
At the top, I reached for the tracks to steady my last step.
The rusty metal of the rail was ice cold to the touch, so I recoiled my fingers and began searching for any lost coins.
In that moment, I had never felt more alone, more ridiculed, or made to feel like I was the worst person on earth.
My eyes filled up with tears again as I considered the alternative to living.
I raised my hand to my cheek, hoping that the frigid feeling of my palm against my face would snap me out of this dark trance.
It didn’t, so I placed my hand back on the rail, remembering the time when Chris and I laid coins here, now no longer a memory that I loved.
Part of me still hoped that maybe this was all a bad dream, or maybe that Chris would come save me from these tracks.
I looked around, but no one was there. It was just me, alone, below the faint yellow light that now flickered.
Maybe my Dad’s prophecy was true that I would never amount to anything.
I could end my suffering now, and nobody would notice.
I could just quietly disappear into the fog.
That’s when I felt the track begin to rattle.
I looked up and saw the headlight in the distance.
I could make this choice. I was ready to let go. I stood up and stepped onto the tracks.
“ALLIE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING! THE TRAIN IS COMING! GET DOWN FROM THERE! NOW!” I heard someone say from behind me, but I wasn’t in a headspace to react.
I froze on the tracks as the train got closer, and I was blinded in the headlights like a deer.
Just then, someone grabbed me from behind and jerked me backward as the train blew its whistle and flew by.
We went tumbling down the gravel hill together, the jagged rocks cutting us up along the way, until we finally stopped at the bottom, and I opened my eyes. It was James.
“James? What are you doing here?”
“Allie, what the fuck were you doing? Trying to get yourself killed?” he shouted at me over the roar of the passing train, but I didn’t reply.
That’s when he realized what I was actually doing, and he put his hands on my shoulders.
“Wait. What’s wrong? Allie. Talk to me. Did you want that train to hit you?
Come here,” he said, and then he pulled me in for a hug and didn’t say another word.
I don’t know how long he held me on the ground in the clearing between the pines.
He just held me and didn’t let go as I buried my face into the neck of my estranged childhood friend and uncontrollably sobbed.
I hadn’t really seen James in years, since he rarely came home from boarding school, but we exchanged waves and hellos when he was in town.
I don’t know how he knew that I was out here, but at this very moment, he seemed to be the only one in the world who cared. Well, he and Isabelle.
“James?” I finally asked. “How did you find me?”
“I saw you when you passed my house, and I figured you were just going down to the old airplane hangar, but when you didn’t come back, I got worried.
That’s when I noticed you turned into the path out here, so I thought I would just see what you were up to.
What’s wrong?” he asked again, as he looked me deep in the eyes.
Unlike Chris, James had dirty blonde shaggy hair, and I didn’t remember his eyes being so blue.
“Everything.”
“Okay,” he said with a look that said he wanted to know more.
“I turned this guy in at school for cheating, and now everybody hates me, and my boyfriend broke up with me because of it. I’m being tormented at school, and someone wrote stuff on the bathroom stall, so now there are rumors flying around.
Just everything, it won’t stop. On top of it all, I still can’t get my Dad’s last words that he said to me before he left out of my head.
He said I’d never amount to anything,” I said, our heads still resting on the cold, hard ground. I was still in too much shock to move.
“Well, that guy shouldn’t have been cheating, and it’s that other guy’s loss for breaking up with you over something so stupid,” he said. We both finally sat up and were facing each other. I drew my knees to my chest.
Do you remember my Dad?” I asked James, who nodded as he listened intently.
“Well, I told my ex-boyfriend, Chris, about my Dad, and how he abandoned me. I told him that I was hesitant to date anyone because I was terrified of ever being abandoned again, and that I had trust issues. This guy promised to never break my heart, he begged me to trust him, and what did he do? Abandoned me for doing the right thing. I’ve just been dealing with a lot, and my world has fallen apart.
The only good thing that happened to me is that Wake Forest offered me a full ride to play field hockey there in the fall.
” He had a look of being both happy and sad for me on his face.
It was an expression I had never seen before.
He pulled me in for another hug, then let go and offered me a hand to help me to my feet.
Once standing, I realized how much taller he was than me.
I was 5’-7” and he was easily 6’-0”, same as Chris.
“Congrats on the scholarship!” he said. “Come on, let’s get you home.”
“I really don’t want to go home,” I said, looking up at him in a daze.
“Well, you can’t be alone, not after that stunt you just tried to pull, so let’s go back to my house. We can hang out while you unwind. How does that sound?” he said, as he smiled down at me and squeezed my shoulder. It was just nice to have someone who cared.
When we got to his house, Mrs. Barr greeted us at the door, having no idea that her son had just saved my life.
“Allie! So nice to see you!” she said, as I followed James through the door.
“Hello, Mrs. Barr,” I said, trying my best to act normal.
“Can I get you something warm to drink? I just made some hot apple cider.”
“Sure, that sounds nice, actually,” I said, as she ladled two cups and handed them both to James.
“Come on, Allie, let’s go up to the den,” he said as he made his way to the back stairs, and I followed.
James’s house was an almost identical layout to mine, so I could see his bedroom window from my own.
When we were kids, we would flash the lights to greet one another.
Once we got upstairs, he set the cups down on the coffee table and flopped down on a giant beanbag.
I climbed onto the couch and closed my eyes.
“What do you want to watch?” he asked. “I have tons of movies.”
“Whatever you want, I don’t really care,” I said, my eyes still closed as he walked over to the shelf and picked out Billy Madison.
“This is hilarious, have you seen it?”
“Yeah, it’s good,” I said as he put it into the DVD player, and I sat back up. He turned around to look at me, hit play, and then went to sit back down in the beanbag.
After the first ten minutes, I quickly fell asleep and then felt James nudging me awake.
“Hey, it’s probably time for you to go home, Allie,” he said, “Unless you just want to sleep here on the couch. Your sister does that sometimes. I can call your mom and let her know where you are.” I pointed at him to signal that I chose the second option.
He laughed and then went to call my mom.
“She said it’s fine,” he said as he set down the receiver, walked over with a blanket, covered me, and turned off the lights.
Before he left, he sat down on the couch for a moment and nudged me awake again. “Hey, Allie?” he asked.
“Mmm?” I replied at the edge of sleep.
“Please don’t ever try that again, okay?” he said quietly. “You scared the shit out of me. I’ll see you in the morning. Get some sleep. Good night.”
“Goodnight, James. You’re my hero.” I murmured, as I reached up to grab his hand, kissed it with thanks, and then promptly fell asleep.