Chapter 31
Chapter Thirty-One
Auster hesitated; she’d said yes, but it hadn’t been eager, or even happy.
It sounded like she was only doing it because she had been told to.
Auster had his pride; he wasn’t going to go to her until she actually wanted him there.
But he wanted to, void he wanted to. Maybe it was all right?
Maybe she was just coming to terms with everything that she was feeling, and he needed to be there.
Or maybe it was too soon; maybe he was forcing things to go places she truly wasn’t ready for them to go. He hadn’t meant for Boreus to tell Autumn what he’d said, but the words were out in the open and she had agreed, which left what happened next squarely in his hands.
“Is that what you want, Autumn?” Auster went to her, taking her hands. “Or is it something you feel you have to do?”
“It’s both,” she said after a silent moment. “Eleni feels better when you hold me, more stable, and I need that. But I’m scared of what I feel and what I have to do. I don’t know how to be alright with that. It’s nothing you need to worry about; I’ll figure it out.”
“How do you feel?” Auster asked, flicking a look over to Boreus.
“I still love you,” she whispered, tears gathering in her eyes, that she blinked away as fast as she could. “You don’t care for me, and I am trying to put the feelings away, so you don’t need to worry that I will hang on you or be ridiculous.”
Auster reeled. After everything that he’d done to harm her, everything that he’d said, and the way he’d acted. She still loved him. He shut his eyes and tried to think without the sight of her tear-filled eyes looking into his soul.
Did he love Autumn?
He wanted to, but was that enough that he could look her in the eye and tell her he returned feelings that were years old and more powerful than he knew. Or should he be honest and tell her that he cared for her, but that he didn’t love her yet?
He opened his eyes, moving to tell her the truth. He owed her that, had to tell her he wanted to try, that he still didn’t know her as well as she deserved, and that he was going to keep trying.
But when he got his eyes to focus, she was gone. Her golden eyes were no longer staring into his soul; sorrow and the crushing hope that he would care for her.
Boreus was still standing there, his hand on the door that led into the room she had been sleeping in, sorrow large on his face as he turned to look at Auster. “It is good that you wanted to be honest.” He pushed the door open and looked into the dark beyond, into the starlight that lit the room.
There was a window open on the far wall, and Autumn was gone. Auster shook his head, looking at Boreus, who looked distressed.
“Go after her,” Boreus turned to look at Auster. “She’s probably gone to the spring.”
“I don’t think she’s going to want to talk to me,” Auster said ruefully. “I keep doing this wrong. I want to tell her I love her, but I don’t want to lie to her.”
“You did it right,” Boreus looked at the window where the curtains were wafting in the breeze. “You don’t love her, but you care and that’s the first step.”
“I want to,” he whispered. “I want to tell her I love her and mean it, but I don’t yet, and I can’t lie to her.”
“Go find her,” Boreus turned to him again. “She doesn’t want to force you into anything, but she’s going to pick the past back up now. She’s going to try to find a way to move forward alone, and if she’s alone for too long, she’ll try to find the step back.”
Auster was so confused, but he didn’t have time to think about it. He needed to find Autumn and try to explain himself.
He left the villa; Boreus had said she would be at the spring, so he headed down the slope to what used to be the grotto. It was open now, and Boreus had told him about the trap that had nearly killed Autumn.
There was no music coming from the grotto. No silver notes, no sorrow or joy, just a strange silence that made him hurry faster to get to her. She was sitting with her back pressed to the wall, eyes closed, forehead on her knees. Slumped and defeated.
He didn’t know what to say. How did he find it in him to tear her world apart just as she’d started to find balance? She’d rested in his arms, had let the past go, and then she’d asked and he couldn’t lie to her.
He crossed the grotto, sitting down next to her and reaching out. She edged away from him, dodging his reach and letting out a tiny sob.
“I already knew,” she told him in a broken voice. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
“You didn’t ask,” he said. “I won’t lie to you, Autumn. I promised you the truth, even when it hurts.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I’ll just stay here. You can tell Boreus I won’t try anything stupid, but I need to be alone for a while.”
“I’m not leaving you alone.” He said, reaching for her again, watching her dodge him again. “Autumn, come here and let me hold you. I care for you, and I’m sorry I can’t say the words yet, but I’m still here, I’m still trying.”
“If you have to try, it’s wrong.” She told him, nearly silent. “Love shouldn’t have to try to exist. You still don’t see me over Eleni, and I can’t keep hoping that you will someday. It’s best if we just stop. I’m sorry I can’t give her back to you, I’m sorry, Auster.”
She was crying again, soft tears from a broken heart on the verge of giving up. Auster wasn’t going to let her give up, not on this.
“Love has to try,” he said. “Always.”
She didn’t say anything further, just sat in the dark.
But if she was going to sit here with her sorrow, he was going to sit with her.
Auster just sat there, listening to her cry until the sun started to rise.
It hurt him, each soft sob ripping into him like talons.
But he owed it to her to witness, to not let her cry alone.
When the sun came up, she raised her head and looked into the golden rays. The same color as her eyes. She nodded and stood up, moving to the side of the spring and looking down into the water.
And then she was gone again. Auster followed, back to the villa where she washed and changed her clothing. She gave Boreus a shaking, false smile. “I have to go and see the Highest.”