Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
His arms were nice. Auster’s arms felt nice, as if they were supposed to hold her this way.
It was a lie, but Autumn was so tired of running and trying not to care that what he was offering was false at best, and a bid to get close enough to kill her at worst. Or maybe it wasn’t; maybe he was being honest and sincere.
Maybe she could just let go for a little while. The Highest had ordered her to put the past down, and void she wanted to. It was so heavy, so painful, but if she put down everything that she had ever carried, who was she after that?
Who was she without being broken?
That was a ridiculous question. Autumn shook her head, trying to get the good sense that she had from Eleni to actually do something. Just because she was afraid was no reason to act like she didn’t have a brain in her head.
“I am being a fool,” she said quietly, hoping he didn’t hear. “If you were going to kill me, you would have done it by now.”
“I am not going to kill you, Autumn.” He said quietly. “I will not excuse what I did, and I will spend forever making sure you know that I see you.”
She nodded against his chest. “I am trying to put the past down, but I don’t know who I am without it.”
“Can I help you figure it out?” He asked. “As we get to know each other, I can help you find who you are.”
She nodded against his tunic, shutting her eyes and trying not to think about what she was doing. She shouldn’t be here like this; it felt like she was betraying Eleni, who had been mourning this entire time.
But the mourning had faded a little. The tears had slowed now that she was in Auster’s arms, and that made Autumn pause. Maybe it had been her the entire time. Had she been the root of their sorrow?
Probably, it was very likely that whatever had happened was all her fault, anyway. It usually was?—
“Autumn, stop.” Boreus’ voice cut into her thought spiral. “You are not at fault for any of this.” He pressed in at her back, wrapping her in his arms where she was still being held by Auster. “If you keep going down that road, where will we find ourselves?”
“I can go by myself.” Autumn said quietly. “It might be better if I was alone.”
“Do you want to be?” Auster asked gently.
Autumn wasn’t going to cry, not again, even though she could feel the tears bubbling up behind her eyes. Instead, she just looked down at her feet and tried to catch the fraying ends of that peace she’d found for a moment.
“Don’t think about it.” Auster said. “Not right now. For now, just be with us.”
They took her out into the night, out to the terrace where there were couches to sit on and enjoy the night air. Sitting with her on the one that overlooked the meadow they’d stood in last night, where the fireflies blinked on and off.
Autumn sighed, trying again to put the past behind her. To dismiss her mother’s voice in her head that said she would never be noticed. She’d taken some kind of perverse joy in forcing Autumn to be small, quiet, to want to melt behind others, because she was convinced that she went unseen.
Because her mother wanted her unseen.
But why would Theria not want the accolades that came with her children? Why shut Autumn out? Why force her to go alone? Why punish her for things outside her control?
It didn’t make sense.
She curled down into their arms and sighed. “I don’t know what to do.” She muttered.
“Just be with us,” Auster replied. “For right now, there is nothing else you need to do other than be with us.”
She nodded, sinking further into them, into their arms and the care they were showing, and tried not to worry that it wasn’t real.
It was real in this moment, so she would stop trying to see the future and exist in this moment. Autumn shut her eyes and set the weight aside, let the past fall from her shoulders and breathed through the loss and the pain of a weight she’d carried for so long it had made grooves in her mind.
“That’s good,” Boreus crooned in her ear. “So good for us, Autumn.”
Autumn wrapped herself around those words, closing her eyes tighter and letting herself drift.
* * *
She was in bed, but that was not the ceiling of the Bastion. That was the ceiling in the villa, the stars locked into their dance, older than time. She was in the bed at the villa and she was alone.
But there were voices coming from the living room, and Autumn rose, pushing the blankets back to go and see them. To see Boreus and Auster, and tell them what she’d decided.
They were sitting on one of the sofas, almost close enough to be touching, and Auster had his head down on Boreus’ shoulder. She stopped in the doorway, not wanting to disturb them. They had loved each other for long before she had even been a thought, and she should let them talk.
The morning would be soon enough to talk to them again.
“Did we wake you?” Auster turned his head to look at her.
She shook her head. “I was dreaming,” Autumn turned back the way she’d come. “I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“You didn’t,” Boreus said, rising from the sofa and walking in her direction. “We were just talking about before, when we left, and what happened after Auster went to Charan.”
“I have to go to the Highest tomorrow.” Autumn said, watching him get closer. “I should try and get some more rest.”
“Can I ask something?” Boreus tilted his head at her. “Something important, and whatever the answer is, I want you to speak honestly.”
“Alright?” Autumn nodded slowly. “What do you need to know?”
“I was wondering if you would allow Auster to rest with us?” Boreus looked hesitant, almost reluctant.
Autumn wanted to say no, wanted to say she wasn’t ready to take that step. But she had been commanded to put the past down, to take him as her second protector and if he was to be in her head, then what was so difficult about allowing him to sleep in their bed?
She looked past Boreus, to where Auster was still sitting on the sofa, looking at her with pained hope and made herself smile. “Alright.”