Chapter 70
Rosie
Nothing compares to a home crowd. Silverstone is resplendent as thousands wave British flags.
The livery of Niki’s car—or, as Tabi called it, “the new cover”—is red and blue. Teams plan a new one for special occasions, and because this is Coulter’s thirtieth British Grand Prix, they designed their cars months ago.
Niki’s parents stand with me as we watch the end of the formation lap.
“Is Tabi okay?” Niki’s mum asks as the cars line up at the grid. Niki’s starting in third, and racing gossips have suggested he could win this one.
“Yes, she’s with my parents today. Austria was a bit overwhelming.”
“I remember bringing Niki and Senna to their first grand prix when their dad was team boss. It takes some getting used to.”
The lights are red, but the race will start as soon as they turn green. My palm stays pressed to my heart as we wait. This part is so much more terrifying when it’s my boyfriend at risk.
“She’ll have lots of time to get used to it if Niki goes to Vessa,” Niki’s dad says.
My head snaps. “What?”
“If he drives for Vessa next season, like he suggested to Senna, he’ll race for nine months of the year. You and Tabi will see him in lots of races.”
Niki’s mum touches his dad’s arm as the lights turn green. The cars are too loud for me to ask what he means, and I pull on my defenders.
Niki’s making moves to drive professionally again?
Of course he is. It’s the person he’s worked to get back to, the man who focuses on his career and becomes number one again.
But I’ve seen the life of a racing driver. It won’t be two or three days away like when he’s an advisor. It will be five or six days a week at least every fortnight. Why didn’t he tell me? Is it because he’ thinks driving is the only thing that matters to him again?
The group of cars reach the first corner.
Suddenly, Niki spins, his car rotating uncontrollably.
Spun out, one of the pit crew mouths to another, pointing at the screen we’re all focused on.
My body shakes as cars come within an inch of hitting him. Niki’s mum presses her hands to her face, her mouth agape. Senna grips her desk and says something on her headset. My breath comes in rasps as another car flies towards him. The driver yanks it out of the way just before hitting him.
Two cars smash into each other, trying to miss him. Debris litter the track, and a safety car is brought on while it’s cleared. All the cars follow each other slowly. Niki straightens his car and joins the back of the group.
The pit crew and Niki’s parents calm quickly, but I can’t stop trembling. I desperately wet my lips. Everyone else is so used to seeing something like this that, within seconds, they’re only bothered by his track position. He could’ve been seriously injured!
Thoughts swarm my mind as Niki’s mum grabs my hand.
The track is slightly quieter due to the safety car, and she pulls down her ear defenders, encouraging me to do the same.
“Niki’s okay,” she says. “These things happen all the time.”
I offer a weak smile.
“And don’t worry about what his dad said. Niki hasn’t signed for anyone yet. He wanted Senna and their dad to know he was considering driving for another team. Nothing is agreed. These discussions take months.”
Her kind words don’t have the desired effect. In September, Tabi will start school. She needs a consistent life with someone who’s there for her.
I force a smile as Niki’s dad adds, “I’m so proud of Niki. With everything he’s been through, he could be racing for the biggest team in the world. It’s what he’s always wanted and what he deserves.”
My stomach aches with indecision. I need to talk to Niki. He fought hard to be here, and over time, he’ll resent us if we take him away from that. Since we met, I’ve known he’s passionate and where he wants to be.
I want him to be happy.
I experienced losing my dreams. I can’t stand in the way of his.
If I have to force him to walk away, I will.
Niki climbs the leaderboard and ends the race in ninth. He’s lost his swagger. The way he secures his cap as he walks to the team area after press interviews proves he’s unhappy.
He waves, but he’s quickly monopolised by a group who giggles at him. One of them opens their top and thrusts a thick pen at him so he’ll sign her chest. He doesn’t take it and rolls his eyes. He winks at me before smiling.
He deserves the attention. He drove well and was awarded Driver of the Day by voters.
“He’s a cocky bugger, isn’t he?” Senna says, joining me. “I keep seeing aspects of the old Niki. His counsellor and others got him here, but a lot of it is because of you.”
I shrug. “It’s all him. He was desperate to get back to who he was.”
“Dad told me he let it slip about Niki racing for a team again. The race in Austria reminded him how much he missed the adrenaline. He was going to tell you,” Senna says. “Are you coming to Hungary next weekend for the last race before summer break?”
I fiddle with the hem of my racing top. “Maybe. My parents are going on holiday tomorrow. I’ll check if Sasha’s free to babysit Tabi. How do parents manage the season with children?”
“As you can see, most of them don’t travel.
Some of them only come to races while others have tutors as part of their entourage.
That’s what Dad did with me and Niki. Before we were ten, when he was team boss, we sometimes travelled with him, especially to the European races, but he was away a lot. That’s the racing life.”
Niki makes it about two metres before another group accosts him.
“Was your dad extra attentive when he was home?” I ask.
Senna’s laugh makes me jump. “Sorry. You couldn’t have described Dad as attentive unless we were karting or racing.
That’s one of the reasons Niki got involved in karting—so that he’d get Dad’s attention.
I did it to get them both to notice me.” She chuckles.
“But Niki isn’t Dad. Dad always came home stressed and grumpy. That’s not my brother.”
“Yeah,” I say, but he’s been distant over the last week.
“Finally,” Niki says as he reaches us. He kisses my cheek. “Sorry, Senna. I can’t believe Billy tapped me early on and made me spin. I’ll do better in Hungary next week.”
He doesn’t seem angry. They chat about the race as I stand beside them. Niki says he wants to give pointers to Tawny. He was behind her during the race and knows she can achieve more. His eyes light when he talks about helping her.
I fiddle with my phone as a man elbows me out of the way so Niki will sign something. Niki’s so focused on discussing the race that he misses it.
A young fan runs over, and Niki laughs as they talk about racing. Niki even offers to watch him race one day.
My life is rushing past me. My skin’s clammy. I need to speak to Niki about what he wants in the future and if there’s a Tabi and me–shaped space in it. I need to decide if I should walk away.
I’m jumping the gun, but I’ve had my dreams crushed. I can’t watch that happen to him. He deserves the world.
Jacs and Tawny call me over.
“Rosie,” Tawny says. “Jacs and I owe you a night out. Are you free tonight?”
I shake my head. “I need to get home to keep Tabi’s routine so she’s okay for preschool tomorrow. Another night for sure.”
“We’ll hold you to that,” Jacs replies as Billy Nister joins us.
“Hey. I need to apologise to Niki for tapping him. I was showing off for my stepbrother. I think you’ve met everyone,” Billy says to someone, but I’m distracted by how Niki looks warily at me after Senna says something to him.
I watch her mouth as she says, “Dad told her you’re hoping to sign with Vessa.”
As Niki strides toward me, Billy says, “You’re not an F1 fan, are you, Scott? Rugby is his thing.”
“I’m still proud of you,” a man replies, and suddenly I’m transported to a beach in Australia on the night Tabi was conceived.
I turn to Scott.
His eyes meet mine.
“No,” I whisper. “It can’t be you.”
His mouth drops as he stares at me. “Rugby girl. I didn’t think I’d recognise you, but you look exactly the same.”
Tabi’s dad is Billy’s stepbrother.
I swallow the golf ball in my throat, but it won’t go down. Sweat rolls down my back, and my body shakes.
“Can we chat?” Niki asks me.
I can’t get my words out. I grit my teeth as Scott’s brow furrows. The black curls. The bright green eyes. So much of her is him.
“Niki, sorry about the tap, mate. It was your fault, though,” Billy says.
“Typical Billy, unable to take responsibility for shitty driving.” Tawny rolls her eyes.
“She’s got your number, Billy,” Scott says, but his laugh is strained. He stares at me before nodding at Niki. “Well done for your race.”
Niki threads his fingers through mine, but it doesn’t calm my frantic pulse. “We need to chat,” he whispers in my ear.
“You called Rosie ‘rugby girl,’” Jacs tells Scott. “When did you two meet?”
“Australia, five years ago,” I stutter.
Niki glances at my face, then Scott’s. His hands shake as he slowly stares at Scott’s black curls and bright eyes. His mouth drops, and I’m torn between grabbing him for comfort and telling Scott he has a daughter.
“Oh my god, you’ve got her eyes,” Jacs adds.
“Whose eyes?” Scott and Billy say at the same time.
The group falls silent. Everyone stares at me.
“Niki Coulter, come speak with me,” Filip, Vessa’s notorious team boss, demands.
My breath comes out in rasps, and vomit scales my throat.
“One second, Filip,” Niki says, his voice tight.
He eases me away from the group, my foot catching on a stone. He grabs me to stop me from falling.
“It’s him, isn’t it?” he pants. “I can’t believe I met Tabi’s dad months ago. I had no idea.” Niki pulls a hand down his face. “Fucking hell.”
“I know. I can’t think straight, but I need to speak to Scott and tell him about Tabi away from everyone,” I stammer. My heard thuds, and I wrap my arms around myself to stop my body tremors. “I never thought I’d see him again.”
“I can’t even process this. You’re coping so well, Rosie.” He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. “Okay, so you’re going to speak to him. Do you want me with you when you do?”
I glance at Filip, who taps his foot in frustration. Filip is the team boss of the most successful Formula One team. If Niki drives for him, he’ll be back on top as the man he deserves to be. I can’t stop that chat. It might be his big break into becoming who he was before.
“No.” I shake my head. “I should do it on my own.”
It’s not what my heart tells me. I want Niki’s support, but he must chase his dreams.
He grabs my hand. Is his hand clammy, or is that mine? “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about racing. It’s an idea at this stage, and I’m not—”
I squeeze his hand, and he laces his fingers with mine. “It’s okay. You’ve got to do what’s best for you.”
He freezes. His mouth turns down as he winces at Scott. “Okay.” It comes out as a whisper. “And you’ve got to do what’s best for you and Tabi. I’ll find you later?”
I nod, and he pecks my cheek before walking to Filip.
My heart is torn. Niki and I are moving in different directions. He must chase his dreams without anyone getting in the way. I won’t let me and Tabi be someone’s future regret.
I’m seconds away from catastrophising. It’s like a ball of fire is rolling across our relationship, and everything’s on the cusp of igniting.
I glance at Scott. I need to put my girl first. Always.
I rejoin the group. “Scott, I’ve something to tell you, but can we do it away from everyone?”
Before we have a chance to step away, Senna and Connor stride towards us.
“He’s got the same eyes as Tabi,” Connor shouts, and everyone blanches, except Senna, who’s nudging Connor to keep quiet.
“Who’s Tabi?” Scott asks.
Connor looks around the group but doesn’t pick up on the awkwardness. “Rosie’s daughter. She’s the most adorable child. How old is she? Like three?”
“She’s nearly five,” I reply, and Scott’s eyes widen. “Scott, can we talk over here?”
I drag him away from everyone. He stumbles as he follows behind me. “You have a daughter that’s nearly five?” he splutters. “Shit. Am I…I can’t be. Am I her dad?”
I nod.
My heart won’t stop racing, and my lips tremble. “I didn’t want you to find out like this. I’ve got a lot to tell you.”
He looks dazed as he presses his palm to his forehead. “Yeah, I guess you do. Let’s find somewhere to chat.”