Chapter 71
Niki
“If you want to drive for me, there’s a space if the price is right,” Filip explains. The news should make me shout with joy, but sickness floods my belly.
I fist my hands as I consider Rosie. Scott’s and Tabi’s faces spin in my head: their black curls, green eyes, and even the cheeky smile they share.
“Niki,” Filip barks.
“Let me think about it.” I can’t process everything. I pull my lips into my mouth to stop from saying anything I shouldn’t.
“You’re an exceptional driver, but this space is available for a week. You’re not the only person we’re talking to.”
I nod. “Who’s leaving the team, and do they know?”
Formula One is cutthroat. My sister runs her team with kindness and respect, but many teams ditch drivers after several bad races. I can’t even process this news in front of a man like Filip in the way I need to.
“If someone loses their edge, I have to consider other options. Let’s keep our conversation going this week.”
I stumble to the Coulter Team debriefing, remembering something Jacs once said about Filip. He’ll ditch someone as soon as they’re a problem. She was a mechanic for them years ago, and I believe something happened, but she’s refused to say more.
Coulter Racing supported my health anxiety and mental health, even when they didn’t know the reasons for my behaviour.
I wouldn’t have survived at Vessa.
My heart races. There’s so much to consider about the future. But is it just my future now? My memories waver between giving Tabi a glow stick to help her with her fears of the dark to her giggling in my pool. My life is out of control.
The young fan I talked with about racing earlier waves, and I remember my promise to attend his race. I want to do that, but becoming a racing driver might make that impossible. Somehow, chatting with him made me happier than the entire Silverstone race.
My skin chills. Do I still want to race in Formula One?
I loved racing, but I’m not sure I want to return to this pressure when I’ve learned what else life can be.
But you’ve worked so hard for this.
I must speak to Rosie. She’ll help me process my worries, and I’ll help her process hers. Maybe I’m not thinking straight because of Scott and what that could mean for the future.
I check my phone, but there’s nothing from her.
It’s okay that I’m not her priority right now, but I still miss her. I want to find her. I promised Tabi I’d read Beauty and the Beast to her tonight. I practised the Beast’s voice while preparing for the race. She’ll giggle so much that Rosie will tease me for riling her before bed.
Imagining it makes my heart lift.
But Scott is her dad.
“Well done, darling,” my mum says, squeezing on sanitiser before holding her hand out for me to shake.
She squeezes some into my dad’s hand, too.
“You drove well considering everything,” Dad adds. Bless him. He tries to be encouraging, but he’ll always be that grumpy boss who rules with a stick rather than a carrot.
“Thank you.”
I’m not like Dad, and as much as I love him, I’m proud of that. I’ll always support Tabi with praise and heart, or at least I will for as long as I’m in her life. My dad never played dolls with my sister, but it’s one of my favourite things to do with Tabi.
“How did it go with Filip? Are you joining Vessa after the summer break?” Dad asks.
I shrug. “I’ve got a week to decide.” I peek through the door to the room for the debrief. “Where is everyone?”
Dad pats me on the back. “Connor and Senna are inside with Jacs and Tawny. The engineers are on their way and—”
Mum cuts him off. “He’s searching for Rosie. She left half an hour ago with Billy’s brother. Is he who I think he is?”
I nod.
“It’s the eyes, isn’t it?” she says, dumbfounded.
“Yeah.” My shoulders slump. “I’d better get to the debrief.”
“Okay, darling. But don’t fret. You’ll know what to do about Vessa and other things,” Mum replies. “Some things take time to sort themselves out.”
“Sure.” I hug both my parents from behind, making them jump.
I step into the debrief and huff. I want to be with Rosie and Tabi.
I flip my cap backwards as Tawny’s engineer talks about the improvements in her driving, especially regarding not crossing track limits. She turns to me and gives me finger guns as she beams. “A big thank you to Niki for helping me.”
A bubble of joy replaces some of my frustration as she adds, “He’s an incredible teacher.”
Others nod, suggesting I’ve helped them. The rise in my chest surprises me. This feeling is better than any I experienced during the race. But I love racing. Driving at the aerodrome and in Austria last week was incredible. I don’t understand what this means.
I run my fingers across Rosie’s bracelet. I grabbed it as soon as the race was done. She’s what I want, but with Tabi’s dad returning, maybe I’m not what she needs anymore. If he’s the best thing for Tabi, I must walk away. Connor’s trainer sneezes, and I recoil.
“Allergies,” he says, wincing at me from across the room. He pops a tablet.
I bet Scott doesn’t react to an allergy sneeze. Tabi needs someone level-headed.
I recheck my phone. There’s still nothing from Rosie. I tap out a message.
Niki: I hope everything is going okay. Tell me if you need anything.
I wait for three dots to show she’s replying, but there’s nothing. I shouldn’t be surprised, yet a rock the size of a car engine lodges in my stomach. My life is changing, and I need to embrace that. I can achieve what I’ve worked for.
So why does it feel like I’m losing everything?
As soon as the debrief finishes, I run to my car.
Rosie messaged me during the meeting to say she and Scott were taking Tabi and Graham to the park and that I should join them.
My pulse thrums as I drive the hour’s journey home. It’s eight p.m., and Tabi should be in bed, not at the park, but it’s not every day you meet your dad.
I remember the new Princess Belle bag and lunchbox sitting in my closet for when she starts school. Should I pick that up and give it to her tonight? No. Tonight isn’t about me.
I don’t know what to do. Thoughts about racing next year keep finding their way into my consciousness, but I shake them away. My priority is getting to the park and being there for Rosie and Tabi in whatever way they need me.
I park quickly and jump out of the car.
Tabi’s giggles reach my ears. Scott pushes her on the swing. She’s too high, and I make fists to stop from rushing over and stilling the swing. She’s happy, and that’s all that matters.
Rosie, Scott, and Tabi are laughing. Rosie’s hair floats on the breeze, and I’m watching the things I love the most fly away with it.
Graham waddles to me, his stubby tail wagging.
I scratch him behind his ears. “How are you doing, boy? Better than me, I’m guessing.”
Scott nudges Rosie as he pushes a squealing Tabi. They’re a family. A voice tells me I don’t fit in here. I’ll never be Tabi’s dad. My heart falls, and I can’t grab it quickly enough to fix it in place.
“Hey,” I say as I reach the three of them.
Rosie smiles at me, but it’s tighter than her normal one. “How was the meeting with Filip?”
I shrug. “He’s given me a week to decide what I want.” I can’t tell her too much because whoever Filip is considering replacing doesn’t know yet. It could be Marco. Scott will tell Billy, and Marco will find out.
“And what do you want?” Rosie asks.
I want to be enough for you and Tabi, and maybe becoming a successful racing driver will help me achieve that.
I shrug again. “Hey, Tabi. Are you having fun?”
Tabi’s a bit green. The swing was too high. “Mummy and Scott took me out for ice cream, and I had the biggest one ever.”
Her T-shirt is covered in it.
“That sounds fun.” I turn to Scott. “Did you enjoy the race today?”
Rosie’s side-eyeing me. Tabi is giggling while Scott makes animal impressions.
She’s attempting to guess the animal, but he’s doing the wrong ones on purpose.
She looks really happy. Rosie once said if Tabi’s dad ever returned, she’d make room for him in Tabi’s life.
There won’t be enough room for me, but that doesn’t matter, because Tabi will have her dad.
Tabi jumps off the swing and comes to me for a hug before freezing. “Mummy, have you got the san’tser?”
Rosie rummages through her pockets. “I forgot it. We came straight out so we could skip the awkward conversations with my parents. I can’t believe I did that.”
I shove my fists in my jeans pockets. “It’s okay.” I’ve got some in the car, but I suddenly don’t want to be the burden of the group.
“Niki, Scott said me and Mummy have to see his house in Australia. He showed us a photo, and it’s nearly as big as yours, and it’s on the beach, and Scott doesn’t like the dark like me.” She bends down to stroke Graham as Rosie winces at me. “Sorry, Graham, you can’t come. It’s too far for you.”
“Cool.” It’s like I’m watching myself get replaced.
Graham woofs at me.
“I’ve had a long day. I might head home soon.”
“You could stay,” Rosie says. “It’s nearly Tabi’s bedtime.”
“Can I read her a bedtime story? Do you like stories, Tabi?” Scott asks.
“I love stories. And I love princesses. My favourite is Belle.”
Scott beams. “Shall I read you Beauty and the Beast? I bet I can do a great Beast voice.”
“Niki and I need to chat. Take Scott to the slide,” Rosie says to Tabi. She’s barely finished her sentence before Tabi grabs Scott and drags him away.
My chest hurts at the way she grips his hand. He doesn’t need sanitiser to hold his kid’s hand. Realising I’ll always be a burden to Tabi, I say, “Rosie, we need some time apart.”
Her face drops so briefly, I question what I saw. She stills her features. “Because of Vessa.”
“No, because…” I stutter. “Why did you say because of Vessa?”
“Because you need to follow your dreams,” she replies matter-of-factly.
“My dreams include you.” I’m supposed to break up with her for her benefit. Her cool tones and relaxed stance suggest she seems fine with letting me go. “But don’t turn this around and say it’s about my dreams. We both know I can’t be the man you and Tabi need.”
“What? When have I ever said that?”
“You don’t need to. One hour with Scott and you’re like a family.”
Her eyes burn, and her limbs shake. “No, Niki. Don’t make out I’ve done something wrong when you’re using this as an excuse to return to your old life.
You love racing. It’s your dream and passion.
It also means you focus less on other things.
They matter less to you. This is about the thing you love. ”
My heart stumbles. “I love you. I’ll always love you. I’m setting you free.”
“I don’t need to be set free. I need commitment for me and Tabi. I need you to show up.”
“Exactly. And I can’t be that guy.”
I reach out to grab her, but she pulls away. “I need sanitiser. I dealt with gross stuff earlier.”
“This is my point. I can’t be the guy who—”
“Rosie,” Scott shouts, “Tabi’s throwing up.”
“That would be all the ice cream and the swing,” I mumble, which earns me a glare from Rosie.
Rosie and I rush to where Tabi vomits. “Oh no. There’s a stomach bug going around Tabi’s preschool. I thought it had missed her. It’s a contagious little bugger,” Rosie whispers. “You should go.”
I freeze. “I want to help. I’ve got PPE in the car. Or maybe it’s at home.” I pant. It’s like germs are crawling across my clammy skin.
I keep my distance as Rosie picks up a sobbing Tabi and holds her close.
“No, Niki. I can’t have you getting ill before Hungary. Missing that race will impact your future career and damage Coulter’s position in the construction championship.”
“You’re always caring about everyone else.” I sigh.
“It’s my job, the same job I’ll have even though we’re not dating because you said you need space.”
Before I can tell her I’m a prick who doesn’t know what he wants, she carries Tabi to what I presume is Scott’s car.
Tabi weeps and is sick against Rosie’s top. Scott strips his shirt off and gives it to Rosie to wrap Tabi, who grips his fingers like a little girl desperate for comfort.
As she shakes, he says, “It’s okay. Mummy’s got you.”
I follow far enough behind that I’m not at risk from the germs. I want to be there for them. The smell of sickness reaches me, and I wretch.
“I’ll message you,” Rosie says, not looking at me as she cradles Tabi into Scott’s car.
I can’t see them when the door closes because the windows are blacked out, but I still wave as Graham stands by my side.
She’s not yours anymore. She has Scott.
I grab my phone and scroll through contacts. My finger hovers over Filip’s name. Maybe it’s time to grab the only future left for me.