Chapter Twenty-Two
Fuck me. She was holding nothing back, and it was a fucking relief, because I wanted to hear these things, but I also needed to hear them.
Not assume them. Not wonder about them. If there’s one thing I learned from TV and movies, it’s that communication is fucking everything, and since that’s my biggest failing, it’s why it scares me the most.
“Stag?”
I nodded, knowing that I had to try and do this. To get it right. To not fuck up or upset her. Not offend her. Not break this thing we were building, because it felt like the most important thing that had ever happened to me, and I couldn’t lose it. Not now. Not ever.
“Uh… I guess being chosen is something I’m not used to. I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that you had other options, and still picked me. I get that it’s not a long term promise or anything, but I’m so fucking relieved you gave me a chance.”
I’m already sounding like a pussy here, but I don’t know any other way to say this stuff.
“Being a virgin at my age is fucking embarrassing. It’s not like I’m a leper or something, but I’m not an easy person to be around, I get that.
The guys give me shit for it all the time.
The amount of times I’ve pissed them off, or offended their women or something.
I don’t mean to. I guess I think I’m being funny or whatever, but they take it…
I guess I always thought of it as them taking it the wrong way, like not how I mean, but maybe I just said it the wrong way every damn time. ”
Claudia smiled, nodding at me to keep going, which seemed like a risky prospect, when we both knew my mouth was where all the bad things waited to escape.
“The first second I saw you, I was blown away. I wanted to talk to you, but now I realise if I had, you’d never have looked twice at me again.
Maybe we needed to meet in little moments first, so you could see I’m not just the prick I appear to be.
Your sister’s reaction is the one I’m used to.
Maybe not to her extreme, because she’s a fucking whackjob, but you know what I mean.
Rejection, that’s where I’m usually at. I don’t know how to do any of this, not because I’m inexperienced with women, but because I’m inexperienced with people in general.
Nobody gives me a chance, so how could I know how to do stuff like this? ”
I sipped my coffee, which even almost stone cold tasted too good for a guy like me, and Claudia took over, thank god. When she talks I can just do what she tells me, and then I don’t fuck it up. I can just be what she wants me to be. Maybe that’s where I belong.
“You’re doing just fine right now, Stag, in fact you’ve never upset or offended me.
You get it all right, so whatever people take offence for, that’s probably a them problem, and not you.
It’s okay though, if you mess up, or think you have.
I may be deaf but I’m a big advocate for talking things out. ”
I grimaced, because that meant we had to talk about things, and I already know I fuck those up, regardless of whether she thinks she won’t be upset or not. Besides, we hadn’t addressed the thing I did to her in the shower.
“I came on you.”
She giggled, biting her lip as she squeezed my hand gently.
“Yes. I wish I’d seen it happen. I find it so hot that you did that. You know women have fantasies and urges too, right? Being covered in your cum is like being claimed by you. It’s something I want to be aware of next time, so I can watch it happen.”
Holy hell. Was this conversation supposed to have me sporting a boner too?
“It didn’t feel demeaning?”
She lifted a shoulder, a careless grin on her face.
“What’s demeaning to some is sexy to others.
Stag, you aren’t doing anything wrong with me, do you get that?
How you react, when we’re doing sexual things, is never going to be wrong.
If you come early, that’s fine. I might do that too.
You’re very good with your fingers, which makes me wonder if you’ve really been out there fingering women everywhere. ”
Laughter wasn’t what I expected during this conversation, especially when I accidentally snorted the mouthful of coffee I’d just taken, coughing harshly as I tried to breathe.
I got up and ran to the kitchen counter, grabbing some kitchen roll to mop up the spillage from my cup, and feeling like the most pathetic twat ever. She’s talking about sexy stuff, and I’m inhaling and spitting out coffee. Classy.
“Stag, it’s okay. I should have waited until you swallowed.”
“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?”
What the fuck! I closed my eyes, groaning at myself. Don’t talk to her like that, man. Fuck’s sake. But wait, she was giggling. She liked it?
“I do have a sense of humour, Stag, plus I’m hilarious, trust me. Sit your sweet ass down, please. I’m not done.”
I dropped back onto the seat with a grimace.
“Well, you already tried to kill me, so what’s left?”
She grinned widely. “Let’s talk about sex.”
Claudia
He looked like he’d just been slapped. Actually, I think he looked a little afraid of what I’d come out with. It was actually pretty empowering, although I didn’t want my empowerment to be at the expense of his comfort or sanity.
“What? I thought we already did that.”
I shook my head, wondering how the hell no woman had snapped him up yet. He was just adorable.
“We touched on it, but we didn’t talk about likes and dislikes. I like sex, Stag. I like being kissed and touched. I enjoy oral, giving and receiving. I enjoy it rough, and I like it sweet. I’m very easy to please.”
“Uh…” he stared at me in wonder, struck completely dumb.
“I’m sure you’ve watched plenty of porn, we all do these days. Are there things you want to try?”
He shoved his coffee aside and dramatically slammed his head down, like he’d passed out, the thud making the table shudder, and my mug wobble. I reached out and stroked the back of his head.
“If this is too weird, we can stop. I just want you to feel safe to say what you want. Chances are I’ll want to try it, unless it’s really really weird. Probably.”
If he spoke, I had no idea, because I couldn’t see his face, and that was a frustrating situation to be in for such a vital conversation, so I gripped his hair in my fingers and tugged hard. His head shot up, and he cupped the back of it as my fingers slipped away.
“Ow. If it helps, pain isn’t my jam. Not that I’m a wuss. I just don’t find it sexy.”
Now he’s communicating! I grinned at him.
“I’m okay with it. If you want to spank me, I’ll be into it. Now, before you freak out again, I haven’t tried anal yet, but we can discuss that at a later d… Stag? Come back.”
He’d got up and left the room in a rush.
I’d pushed him too far, and I hadn’t meant to, but it’s important to have boundaries in place for sex, and he needed to understand I barely had any, which meant that he wouldn’t need to fear breaching them.
I wanted him to be free to explore things with me.
To learn his likes and loves with me, and only me.
He’d been so worried about messing things up, but I was the one doing that. I was coming on too strong. I was pressuring him. How weird to be on the opposite end of such a situation. I’d certainly been where he is right now, and maybe that’s why I felt like hell for it.
I wandered the house, eventually finding him upstairs in the room he’d put some of his things in, because he hadn’t assumed we’d share.
“I’m sorry.” I approached him by the window, where I’d found him staring outside like he was trapped in here with me.
He shook his head, turning to look at me.
“I’m the one wussing out here.” I think he said wussing, but it wasn’t an easy word to read. I could tell from his face that it was the most likely option though.
“You’re not. I’m sorry. I’m too direct sometimes, more with you than anyone else, because I feel safe to speak up, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for you.”
“Any other man would love that right now. I’m not saying I hate it, but I’m just realising that I’m not as comfortable talking about this stuff as I make out.
I spent so much time bantering with the guys, and making out I’m the shit, but I’m a clueless pathetic asshole, who’s fucking up the best thing that ever happened to him. ”
Oh my. I wanted to hold him, and smack him upside the head, all at once, because he wasn’t fucking anything up. If anything, he just kept endearing himself to me.
“The only way you could fuck this up is by holding back what you’re feeling, Stag, or what you want. You can’t scare me away by saying something, anything, so just say what comes to you. And if you’re done talking, and want to do something else, that’s fine too.”
He sighed, glancing outside at the mid-morning sunshine, finally turning to me with a grin.
“Wanna go for a ride?”
Oh. My heartbeat sped up instantly at the thought of another thrill ride on the back of his motorcycle.
“God yes! Let’s go.”
The words seemed to settle him, the tension leaving his shoulders as he reached for my hand, his face relaxed and smiling at the thought of doing what he loves. He glanced at my clothes and nodded.
“You’ll be fine in those jeans. Let’s get your boots on, and a jumper and heavy jacket. It looks warm, but I wanna go fast.”
Oh my god, that sounded perfect! I nodded and hurried to the room we’d stayed in, grabbing my boots from the corner, and digging a hooded jersey out of the drawer. By the time I reached the hallway downstairs, he was booted up, with his leathers on, his cut sitting on top, and two helmets in hand.
He looked nothing like the uncertain boyish man from upstairs. He was back to being the man I met, confident, smiling, relaxed.
“I’ve got an idea of somewhere to go for lunch, since we didn’t eat yet, especially since I seem to have a bit more cash than I thought. Ready?”
I pulled my coat on over the hoody and nodded, following him to the door as he opened it, letting me out first. He wore those hot leathers, and it made me wonder if I should get some sexy leathers to wear too. Would he like that?
He tapped my shoulder and I turned to look at him over my shoulder.
“Let’s go have fun, love.”
Fun sounded perfect, so I waited while he fastened my helmet for me, and then we were on his ‘ride’ as he called it, and moving.
This time as we rode, I lifted my head more than before, watching the world flying by as we headed out into the country and past fields and trees.
It was beautiful, even when I couldn’t focus on anything properly.
It was all just green and beautiful, and all too soon we were slowing down again, stopping at a country pub.