Chapter 16
I find Lucas waiting in front of my room when I come back in the evening.
His face is half swallowed by the dark, eyes downcast.
And that’s when I know he’s snapped out of whatever mood he was in this morning.
“I’m sorry,” he says as I unlock the door. “I thought you and Kieran were … I didn’t know he treated you like that.”
He doesn’t.
And Lucas isn’t wrong—not entirely.
I didn’t agree with his choice of words this morning, but I understand where he was coming from.
I open my door wider, a silent invitation for him to come in.
“Look,” I start, taking off my coat and scarf, before closing the door once Lucas steps in.
“You’re my friend, and I don’t want to lie to you, so I’m just going to tell you whether you like it or not …
this morning was an act. Kieran put on a show because I told him last night that you guys wanted me to stay away from him. ”
“What?” Lucas frowns, sinking into the armchair.
I nod. “He doesn’t treat me like that, and before you get mad again—I’m not sleeping with him.”
Yet.
Lucas keeps his mouth shut, blinking at me like he’s waiting for me to continue.
“I know you don’t like him, and I don’t expect you to, but … just know that he isn’t hurting me,” I say, setting down onto my bed. “Kieran is … not like what people think.”
“He killed Tessa, Cass.”
Anything I say after that will sound like I’m trying to make an excuse for Kieran, I realise that.
And maybe it is true.
I don’t even fully understand what the trials were actually designed for. It contradicts his whole “no one kills humans in this Court” rule.
Then there’re the thing about us being bound to them.
Maybe I’m that na?ve or blinded by whatever charm he’s got over me.
“He’s my friend,” I mutter, voice barely a whisper.
Even I know that’s not true.
We don’t kiss our friends.
We don’t think about taking them to bed.
“Tessa was our friend.” Lucas groans, his voice cracking as he looks at me like he doesn’t even recognise me anymore. “What the hell is going on with you, Cassandra?”
I scoff, bitter and empty.
Where do I even start?
A shit ton is wrong with me.
“Can we please not?” I exhale, burying my face in my hand. “I’m exhausted.”
“But this isn’t you,” he says, rising to his feet and stalking closer. “I want to help because it’s killing me seeing you like this.”
“Like what, Lucas?” I glance up at the man standing before me. “Just because I spend some time with Kieran, that means I’ve lost myself? You do realise I’m also using him, right?”
“So you keep saying,” he snaps. “But it looks like there’s something else.”
I don’t say anything.
I don’t know what to say, because it’s true.
“For fuck’s sake, Cass,” Lucas growls, dragging a hand through his hair like he can’t believe we’ve become this.
And honestly, neither can I.
A few weeks at the Court and we can barely remember who we were, or why we even came here.
“Are you angry because I got too close to him, or are you angry for your best friend?” I ask quietly.
He shakes his head, fury still flickering in those eyes, but his worry seems to win out. “I just don’t understand … and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Look around, Lucas. We are participating in deadly trials.”
Getting hurt is a guarantee.
He exhales and turns away. For a moment, I think he’s about to leave—but instead, he grabs the coat that I just hung up and throws it next to me.
“Get up,” he says, firm, tense, unlike him. “We’re getting a drink. And one way or another, we’re going to sort this shit out.”
I doubt it.
It’s not like Lucas can will me to stop being attracted to Kieran.
But I put the coat on anyway.
Lucas doesn’t say where we’re going, and I don’t ask. I just follow him quietly. I have never left the Court after dark before, but clearly, he has. He moves with certainty, turning down alleys and side streets like he’s walked them a hundred times.
Ten minutes later, we reach a tavern with glowing amber lights and pulsing with live music. Laughter spills into the street like it’s Solstice night.
“The guards come here after shift sometimes,” he explains like he can read my mind.
I didn’t know he was that close with them.
But I guess we all cope with this madness in different ways.
I’ve been tangled up with Kieran.
He does it with company and alcohol.
I don’t realise how much of Lucas’s life I’ve missed until we step inside and one of the Fae at a nearby table immediately turns to greet him. In fact, the whole table seems to know him, and not just one table—several.
And strangely enough, no one looks at us like we don’t belong because we’re humans. No stare. No side-eyes. This tavern might be the most human-friendly place I’ve ever seen since arriving here.
I’m not sure if it’s because of Lucas … or they’re just too drunk to care.
And he thought he didn’t know me anymore?
We’ve both changed.
We find a quiet table at the far end, and I stare at Lucas in confusion.
“I didn’t know you were that familiar with them.” I blink.
“When you spend all day and all night with the same group of people, you do get to know them.” He shrugs. “Wait here. I’ll go and get us some drinks.”
I nod.
I glance around the tavern, full of different kinds of Fae, and realise that I’m not scared of them like the first days anymore. Somehow, in such a short amount of time, we’ve grown used to this place. And bit by bit, we’ve become part of this Court.
Like it or not, the Court of the Fallen is our home. For now.
We haven’t just waited around to compete in the trials. We’ve all taken jobs, involved ourselves in a whole new community, and even made friends with the Fae.
This isn’t just a place we’re passing through.
This is a part of our lives.
Lucas comes back with two giant mugs of golden liquid. It smells slightly of honey and something else I can’t quite put my finger on.
He sets one in front of me with a small nod.
“Cheers,” he says, clinking his mug with mine.
Well, if everyone is drinking it, it’s probably not poisonous.
I take a careful sip—and immediately cough in regret. It’s sweet at first, then hits the back of my throat like fire.
“Fucking hell,” I wheeze. “That’s … intense.”
He chuckles into his mug, drinking like it’s nothing. We went out drinking a few times when Declan was still alive, but I don’t remember him being this good at it.
Lucas asked what was going on with me—I think maybe the real question is what’s going on with him?
“Now, tell me.” He pauses, settling down his mug. “What is it with you and … you know who.”
Great pivot.
I’m eternally grateful that he’s still not insane enough to accuse me of sleeping with the Fae King in the middle of the tavern. These Fae might not be looking, but who knows what those pointed ears will catch.
“I’m trying to get him to tell me about the trials,” I say, lowering my voice.
It’s the truth.
Does he need to know the rest?
If Kieran were a human, I wouldn’t go around announcing that I’ve been making out with him.
That part’s mine, private.
I don’t need to tell him anything.
“But so far he hasn’t given anything up?” he asks, brow raised.
“No, and I would’ve told you if he did.”
Lucas drums his fingers against the wooden table, then takes another sip of the horrible golden liquid. “Anything else you want to tell me?”
I take another sip too, bracing myself.
Huh.
Actually, the second one tastes a bit better.
“Why?” I ask, narrowing my eyes. “You know I swore an oath with him and can’t tell you anything about the Court business.”
“No, it’s not about that. I just—” He exhales, rubbing his face like he doesn’t know how to explain. “I feel like you constantly choose him over us.”
I pick my next words carefully. “Over you, you mean?”
There’s no “us” anymore.
Tessa is dead, and I don’t consider the rest of the contestants my friends.
A pause.
“Come on, you know what I mean,” he mutters, crossing his arms. “Tessa used to warn you. And Laia?”
“Tessa also thought he’s incredibly hot.” I roll my eyes. “And Laia doesn’t know me.”
And now Lucas is shaking his head, jaw tight. “Sounds like whatever I say, you won’t stop seeing him.”
“You can’t tell me what to do, Lucas.”
Friend or no friend, that’s a line we don’t cross. I don’t force him not to spend time with the Fae guards I know nothing about. Sure, I might warn him if I think someone’s dangerous, but whether he listens or not is entirely up to him.
That’s what I do as a friend.
We’re all adults. We’re free to do whatever we want.
“I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just worried.”
I know he is.
I can see it in his eyes, and I understand it.
“You don’t have to take care of me because you think it’s your fault Declan died,” I whisper. Lucas looks away, shifting in his seat. “It’s my fault, not yours.”
“How?” he snaps. “I’m the one who wouldn’t go out with him. How is it your fault?”
I take another sip of the drink.
Then another.
And another.
Because I need it.
I need the bitterness of the liquid to drown the guilt. I need the alcohol to make me brave enough to admit the thing I haven’t been able say to since it all happened—not even to myself.
“Because …” I swallow, eyes lowering to my mug as I finally let the truth rise for the first time. “I … tried to break up with Declan that night.”
Lucas doesn’t say anything.
He just sits there, the silence growing heavier with each breath, until he finally downs his drink in one long gulp. Then he sets the mug down—too hard—and presses his hands to his temples, like he’s trying to keep his head from exploding.
“Fuck,” he curses. “Fuck, Cass. That’s—”
I know.
I know.
It’s ugly.
It’s unforgiveable.
And the guilt is mine to carry—mine alone.
“I didn’t—” He pauses, a long breath shaking through him. “I didn’t know.”
I shake my head. “I never told anyone … not until now.”
In the beginning, I thought maybe Declan might have told Lucas when he went to see him that night, but Lucas never said anything about it.