Chapter 16 #2
And I was too much of a coward to bring it up—even just to comfort Lucas that it wasn’t his fault.
For a while, we both just sit there in silence, drowning in the guilt we share.
Lucas is the first to speak.
“Why?” he asks quietly.
Good question.
One I only have cruel answers for.
Declan was kind, smart, and good-looking.
And more than anything—he loved me. Completely, deeply.
We had our whole lives ahead of us. He always included me in his passions and dreams—whatever they were and however far they’d take him.
Declan talked about the future like my name was written at the end of it.
He saw it all. Us.
The problem is, I didn’t.
Somewhere along the line, I just … stopped.
I fell out of love.
Just like that.
Everyone would think I’m out of my mind. And maybe I am.
It was easy and safe with Declan. He was good to me, and I think I liked that—having someone to take care of me. I cared for him deeply, but I was never that in love with him.
I’m a wreck. I never deserved him in the first place.
So, I decided to tell him the truth.
I wanted to be honest. To let him go.
Because he deserved so much more than me.
But we never had a chance to discuss what was going to happen to us before he was murdered.
I should have been more grateful for the love he gave me. Should have just snapped out of whatever blind hole I was in, and maybe, someday, it might have all been okay … maybe I might have started loving him more, the way he deserved. The way he wanted.
Plenty of people fall in love after they’re already tied together.
Who was I to deny him that future?
Who was I to take Declan from this world?
From everyone that loved him?
“Does it matter?” I reply, my voice breaking.
Lucas might hate me for breaking his best friend’s heart. For coming here to bring him back, only to jump at the first chance to betray him with Kieran.
He should hate me.
I never planned for this to happen.
And I don’t even know what I’d say to Declan if we win.
‘Hey, sorry for trying to break up with you. Welcome back to earth. By the way, I might’ve fucked a Fae King.’
I haven’t.
But I wouldn’t put it past me—to ruin everything, to destroy myself and follow Kieran into the darkness, even after all this.
I don’t know anything.
I don’t trust myself.
I just know that Declan would still be alive if it weren’t for me.
Even if it kills me, I want to save him.
“So … what now?” Lucas asks after a while. “It’s kind of awkward to bring him back just to break his heart, don’t you think?”
I chuckle, even though I’m in tears. “I honestly don’t know … but he didn’t deserve to die.”
A beat.
“Yes, but you also shouldn’t be with him just because you feel guilty about what happened,” Lucas mutters, his eyes dark. “It’s not fair to you, or Declan.”
I was expecting some insults and judgement.
But they don’t come.
Lucas doesn’t call me a monster, or selfish.
He just meets my eyes, exhales, and reaches for my hand.
“I know the guilt you’ve been carrying, Cass, because I’m carrying it myself,” he admits, and my heart breaks into pieces. “And I know saying that it’s not your fault doesn’t make you feel any better. I just hope you know that I’m still your friend … no matter what.”
I’m not sure I deserve this either, but I nod. “Thank you.”
“Let’s just take a step back,” Lucas offers, gently brushing a tear from my face. “I won’t cross a line about Kieran. If you tell me there’s nothing to worry about, then I’ll trust you. And we’ll focus on bringing Declan back.”
Gods.
There’s a reason this man is Declan’s best friend.
He’s also good and kind—the same kind of people I hope to be—but never will be.
Why people like them are cursed to care for someone like me, I’ll never know.
I don’t know what to say, so I just bite my lip and nod, trying not to break down completely.
And Lucas doesn’t say anything else. He just leans in to kiss my forehead and murmurs, “I’m going to get us another drink.”
I think I need that, too.
It takes me a minute to calm down. I survey the tavern again to pass the time. There are new faces at the table across from ours, but I recognise a couple of them.
Jordan.
And … Florence?
I tilt my head. What a strange combination.
Jordan is rarely at the Court. I’ve never been sure if he actually works at one of the brothels, or somewhere else entirely, but I definitely never pictured him and Florence, the blacksmith, sharing a drink with a few other Fae I don’t recognise.
Whatever they’re talking about, it’s nothing fun.
They drink, but there’s no laughter, no smiles.
Just hushed voices and grim expressions—locked in a conversation that looks far too serious.
“Don’t look,” a voice murmurs beside me. “Look at me.”
Oh Gods, Atticus.
I blink at him as the High Commander slides into Lucas’s seat like it’s his own.
“Where did you come from?” I whisper, eyes darting back toward the table.
And what does he mean, don’t look?
“I should be flattered that I can still slip into places unnoticed.” He smiles, not really answering my question. “I’ve been following a lead about the rat.” Atticus lowers his voice, leaning in closer. “And I think that group might have something to do with it.”
A cold ripple runs down my spines.
“You’re serious?” I whisper. “Jordan and Florence?”
“I don’t have any proof—yet,” he adds, voice low and sharp. “But Jordan’s a contestant, which means you and Lucas are close enough to keep an eye on him. You two are the only ones I trust. If anything seems off—anything at all—you come to me. First thing.”
I clamp my lips together, tight.
Way too much is going on tonight.
“Atticus?” Lucas appears behind him, brow raised at the unexpected guest in his seat.
Atticus rises smoothly. “She’ll fill you in.”
Oh, great.
I’m a spy now?
“On what?” Lucas frowns, gaze flicking between me the High Commander.
“Ask Cassandra,” is all he says before disappearing in the crowd, then out the door a few seconds later. Lucas turns to me, still holding the drinks. His confusion mirrors mine. “What’s he talking about?”
I swallow hard.
Lucas isn’t ready for this.